By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
LL,
you weren’t waiting for Romeo to your own Juliet,
you were waiting for your dad to love you.
You said you picked a man who had authority over you. his position in government gave him that. I’ll bet you he gets another one sooner than later.
My spath sister (please don’t think I’m calling you a spath), did a similar thing. My N parents trained her to believe that her power came from being able to manipulate authority.
Her first BF when she was a freshman in HS, was a senior in HS. So she got to go to his Prom. In college she broke up with him and started dating her TEACHER. Again another symbol of authority. He was a slime that came on to ME, so she dumped him at graduation and got a job with the State DSHS and started dating her BOSS. (can we say AUTHORITY?) He turned out to be an alcoholic drug addict who borrowed money from her (even after she got fired because she was too stupid), so I advised her on how to get him to pay her back (the way I got spath to pay me the first time) and then she dumped him. Next thing I know she is dating a Seattle cop. This cop has such bad credit he can’t get an apartment in seattle. He wears the same pants for work as he does all day off work. My parents, of course, notice all this and tell her. But he’s a cop so she marries him and he used her credit to get into law school. Now they are both in debt to the tune of hundred of thousands in student loan, credit card and upside down mortgages. But of course they vacation all over the world.
Sorry I got off track. He was a trojan horse that my spath found under a barrel that was under a rock, when he was selling crystal meth. Spath turned him into a cop and then into a homeland security officer. Yes, my spath, who has rotted teeth, greasy hair and stinks like a homeless person created a homeland security officer from the crystal meth addict.
LL, you talk about your spath as being so stealthy. You don’t know what stealthy is. Stealthy is being able to look like you just crawled out of the gutter and STILL being able to convince the elite wealthy millionaires/billionairse, that they should be honored to know you. That’s what my spath does.
He sniffs out their innermost secrets and shameful thoughts. He bonds. He is unfucking-believable. He doesn’t even need the trappings of wealth, just the opposite. It’s ALL ABOUT EMOTION AND HE’S GOT IT DOWN TO A SCIENCE.
The billionaire that he has bonded with loves him because he helped his wife quit smoking. spath knew that was important to the N-Billioniare. He focused on it and it was like the mouse pulling the thorn out of the elephants foot, he was bonded forever.
thanks LL<
in the clinic now. will write more later. I am nearly as young as you – 48 (smile).
yes, I have lot of friends and ways to keep busy, but sometimes there is still an emptiness in the midst of a full barrel.
I love your ways of flipping things, this is going to be my strategy from now on – my friend.
thanks
petite
Petite,
listen to LL,
she knows the truth. she doesn’t mince words. You have to work on YOU. After you get past the NC stage, where you aren’t in danger of slipping anymore, you need to look at YOURSELF. Why were you attracted to this spath? Your hooks. Petite, this is not a bad thing that happened to you. It is a wonderful thing. You have the opportunity to see yourself as reflected in the spath. It’s hard. I know.
LL is an amazing role model in her ability to just TELL IT LIKE IT IS. She speaks of herself and her vulnerabilities so openly. I’m in awe of her. I never imagined that a person like her could exist. (I HATE to see my own flaws, I avoid like crazy) Anyway, Petite, try to follow her example as much as you can. (((Petite)))
Sky,
HOLY SHIAT. I didn’t know about all of that sky. I can relate though
ExP is exactly like that as well. The last chica he wanted to give him a home (she was BEAUTIFUL AND SMART TOO!) was absolutely smitten with him. This FUGLY man, front teeth missing, baggied out eyes from years of alcoholism and drug abuse, skinny, DRUNK EVERYDAY, ALL DAY if he’s not at work, if he’s not at work, he’s smoking some pot at friends house……
Even with all of that……..she was incredibly attracted to him….
I talked her out of it. She wanted to meet my daughter and I. He was so drunk he couldn’t function that night. We went out and had a smoke and she WAS familiar with personality disorders. Her son was afflicted and in prison for shooting a cop, causing lifetime paralysis. He almost died. Her story was so sad. I felt so much for her, yet she still managed a positive attitude. Then the more we talked the more questions she asked, the LESS she liked him…..he had LIED to her…about our marriage and about HIMSELF in so many ways…he told her that when he gets out of jail he wants to stay sober and get his life straightened out. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. I told her if I had a dime for every single time I heard that story, I”D be a millionaire lol! I also told her that he told me the reason he is going to jail is BECAUSE HE KEEPS GETTING DIRTY UA’S AND DOESN”T WANT TO QUIT. A week after this, she dumped him.
But he had her goin for awhile.
you’re right, it is ENTIRELY plausible, I’d not thought of “stealth” in that way either. Stealth for me, meant pure sneaky…underhanded in motives and behaviors. I didn’t think about the rest. Always learnin from you Sky! Thanks for a different perspective. That’s amazing!
LL
((((( sky ))))))
Thank you. That means a lot to me right now. Especially right now. It’s been a really rough few weeks.
I think you’re right though. I’m beginning to see light that is just a bit brighter at the end of the tunnel now. It’s not an idiot flicking a match anymore. Last nights revelation was really huge for me in so many ways and I’m still processing more of the domino effect from that. It’s NOT pleasant, but at the same time, it’s a relief too. Finally…some answers…..
Thanks for helping me see things a bit more clearly sky.
Petitie, just hang in there! It will come. And I do understand how you feel about age and being alone. I can also tell you though, petitie, that you have done many wonderful things with your life and you have A LOT to show for that, a LOT to be proud of. I stayed at home and had six kids with a real jerk. I’m happy I have my children, but that’s sorta the politically correct thing to say, I think I need to say I LOVE my children very much…but there is a heartache there that I never chose to do or explore a career for myself. My retirement will be spent prolly at walmart (just kiddin) but anyway…..You’ve done many good things and yo’re a very smart woman. You’re still very young chica. You don’t deserve a toad, Petitie. You deserve a Prince 🙂
LL
Sky,
LL,
you weren’t waiting for Romeo to your own Juliet,
you were waiting for your dad to love you.
I forgot to comment on that, but somehow it’s very beautiful and it is nothing less than the truth 🙂
LL
Petitie,
Ya know, I understand about wanting a companion in your life to share with. That’s why I have my wiener. 🙂 But….I”m reaching a critical point now in that I’m LEARNING to be ok by myself. Yes, there is LOTS more work to be done, but I”m trying to spiritualize this in some ways because I’m finding that it’s working for me now. If God wants to bring a man into my life someday YAY! But really? I”m comfortable sleeping alone, everyone has seen me in my house with my teeth out, I can fart whenever I want, if I’m sick I can take care of myself. If I have a period (which are few and far between now) I don’t have to worry about whether or not I have an accident during the night (Spath use to get LIVID when that happen, would strip the sheets BARE, SPRAY AND SCRUB underneath ALL Of it even with nothing that had soaked through- WEIRD), in other words, I wasn’t allowed to be sick in front of him. I wasn’t allowed to fart near or in front of him. I NEVER ONCE removed my teeth in his presence. I never just sat around and enjoyed my atmosphere, candles and such the way I do now, appreciate them NOW. I could never cry openly and with depth. I could never talk about spirituality, politics, the world or others, because it was ALWAYS AND FOREVER about him. He controlled everything. Even the remote to the tv.
That’s what I dealt with for ten years Petitie. And let me tell ya, when you have THAT much gas build up, you’re going to have a tummy ache, huh? That’s what spaths are a HUGE tummy ache that never goes away, ya know?
Enjoy who you are, what you do, and those eccentricities, because someday when it’s meant to be, God, or your higher power or whatever entity YOU believe in, will bring “him” into your life if it’s meant to be. And if it’s not, then you’re going to be just fine with you, because quite frankly, from my perspective it would take one special man to put up with a good lookin 47 year old who looks 75 when getting ready for bed. 🙂
((((( PETITIE ))))
LL
Hi LL and Sky,
thank you so much.
yes Sky – I am learning and listening to LL and yes she is awesome. Not many can do what she is doing, telling us about her weaknesses, acknowledging them in public and planning a step wise logical apporach to deal with them.
Sky – you said – You have the opportunity to see yourself as reflected in the spath. It’s hard. I know.
what does this mean – sorry I cannot understand.
LL- thanks for the kind words. yes we all here deserve a prince as we are worth it and even more. we did not realsie our worth and let the jerk determine our worth.
that was our mistake. we are learning now.
I am sure you do not look 75 when you go to bed, maybe you look 25. I like your advice – flip it all, when I think he is giving my dream to the next one, think of what he is giving her is just the same lies and same fear.
like you said NO THANK YOU, NOT FOR ME .
you are one tough girl LL.
so glad that we crossed paths.
petite.
Hi Sky and LL,
here is to a peaceful weekend.
any news from Libelle, have not seen a post from her in a while.
petite
Hi Petite,
To answer your question, I meant that spaths look for our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. They can see these better than we can because they test for them. They create a dramatic scene to watch our faces and reactions.
All the things that your spath tempted you with are your hooks. These things are your longings and your values.
If you look at how he treated you especially when he was trauma bonding you, you can learn so much about yourself that will help you create a better and happier you. That is what I try to do with the information I learned from loving a spath.