By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
Hope4
hehehehehe………….I love your last sentence 🙂
Good for you!!!
LL
Hi Strong LL,
yes, I agree, we need many voices telling us at all times of the day that our excuses and reasons to stay on with the jerk do not make sense, they are seeing it from the outside, while we are viewing the mirage and still enmeshed in the fog. we get glimpses of reality and soft sounds from the gut alarm but we ignore it as we are so drawn into getting the dream to come true.
we ignore it all, until the gut feeling gets stronger and stronger and the ones who are lucky can find this God sent site and people to show us the path of sense and reality.
he cheated 6 times on the wife and I thought he would change, looking back I think – how foolish I was to believe his lies. he can sleep with whoever he wants and pretend to give the dream to her, I don’t care, I don’t want that dream, I want Me Me me, the wholesome, good ME.
your thoughts.
petite
Petitie,
The only thing I can do here, is just agree with you! Completely!
LL
Hi Petite,
I’ve been reading your posts and feeling so glad that you were able to benefit from LF. I don’t know if you read some of my posts BEFORE you joined, but Oxy had mentioned you and your experiences. I had told her that I thought you were a sociopath because you had dated a married man! (or two?)
I’m so glad to know that I was wrong and I’m glad that you have benefited from LF. It’s great to see people saved from a sociopath. I wish someone could have saved me from 25 years of hell, but the next best thing is saving someone else.
Things aren’t always what they seem, (as you have learned). the sociopath creates situations where it seems like they are the innocent victim. It’s part of their MO. If there is one thing you can count on, it is that they will destroy lives and slither away unseen and blameless. Your story has helped me learn how easy it is to get confused and blame the victim. Thank you.
HI sky,
yes, you, LL< Oxy and others did save me.
million thanks to you.
just like LL my jerk told me all the same lies, how his marriage was comatose, divorce was to be filed soon and I believed it all. He has since separated and going thru mediation, however, what troubled me by the time I came to LF was his inconsisitencies, selective memory loss when I asked him to explain or go back to his own words and above all his having cheated on the wife 6 times.
I have posted you on another thread – Spaths and charade.
please reply.
thanks
petite
So, this morning as I lay in bed with my Boxer puppy HE gave me for Christmas last year…and thinking about how I am left to care for this animal alone…which was why I hadnt gotten a dog before now-BECAUSE I DONT HAVE TIME TO CARE FOR A DOG ALONE…
I am sad.
I think back to a week ago when he came home and played with teh dog like always as he told me “Im just not in love with you.” As I heard the words, I thought to myself “…and you’re playing with her like NORMAL” Normal smile at her, normal play with her, normal kissing of her!
I thought “someone distraught over ending a 4.5 relationship would be in NO mood to play with a dog…especially in that way.” You might pet the animal, but your focus would be on the conversation.
Maybe it was this….maybe he was pleased with himself knowing he was trying to call my bluff or his decision to leave was THAT much of a relief. Maybe he was pleased with himself for beign able to PUNISH me one more time by telling me the mean things he said.
Speaking of mean things said…I want to confess, acknowledge, take responsibility for something. I TOO said mean things…but not to or about him directly. You see, he allowed his 11 year old son to be in the middle of adult interactions ALL THE TIME. I mean, his son was NEVER encouraged to ‘go play’ or ‘get out of my hair’, ect., and this was justified by him as “I only get to see him every other weekend so OF COURSE I want him around me.”
Being around us was one thing…but to have NO interactions with other kids is something else. So, one day, as I had come to my breaking point with the son running through my 900 foot condo chasing the dog, my boyfriend in the livign room watchign his son do this while watching a movie and me ISOLATING myself to my room because I was SO fed up, I said somethign to my ex.
What I said was this…”Your son is drving me crazy. He does NOTHING but sit in front of the tv. There is NO motivation or expectation taht he will do ANYTHING other than nothing. Hes lazy…and Im sooooooooo tired of this. There are toys for him to play with in his room, yet he takes NO initiative EVER to go and play. He is perfectly content sitting on the couch doing NOTHING!”
I shouldnt have said all that…my ex decided to take his son to his parents for the rest of the weekend ‘to be around people who WANT him there.” Now, this was never asked by me…what I wanted was for MY requests (past and present) to be heard, considered, and respected. THEY WEREN’T AND WE WERE IN MY HOUSE!!!
He took his son (which he historically did when things got rough…he packed his shit and left), packed him up and told his son to say ‘thank you for everything youve let me do here” as he left. My ex packed two days worth of clothes and didnt return back to my place until Monday night…with boxes in his car telling me “you know, the past two nights sleep have been the best that Ive gotten in a LONG time.” He was planning on moving out…a month after moving in!
We had a conversation in which he said “we both want different things from each other” and it was left at that.
I cant help but to wonder if he REALLY did move in out of feeling obligated. If hes wanting to move out THAT SOON after a fight…
Could I ahve ‘pushed’ him to that point?
This was an instant message he sent me yesterday regardign the phone situation…
“The phone is yours now. I got a new phone and number so the number and everything that goes with it is yours. I mailed out the bill from last month that I forgot in my bag but the rest is yours”you can just cancel it. I tried to work with you but you still want to do everything on your terms”I will call Comcast later and if you haven’t switched it out I am going to cancel it”Its been 5 days now. I wish you the best. ”
Comcast is still on at my house this morning. I did NOT respond to this at all…
What do you think?
robx – Firstly the dog. Typical spath, instant ‘present’ for you with no after thought of HOW it was going to be cared for. Let’s think for a moment….if you or I were living in someone’s house would we go out and buy a dog? NO. We would sit down discuss it, plan it, work out how we were going to pay vet bills etc.
‘he’s not in love with you’ – hey ho he probably has a better offer on the cards from his next victim – so just thank your lucky stars he’s gone. Be prepared for the boomerang effect if it does not work out with her.
He will use the dog to ‘give affection’ to make you jealous. Mine used to do that, stroke/pet my dog BUT he never fed her, walked her, gave her water etc.
Secondly his son…..spath wanted him there but at the same time he did not. Having his son stay was a trophy to him. It did not matter that his son did nothing, had no one to play with etc just a trophy.
Thirdly TV….yep they do that a lot and for ‘us’ who like to do somehing with a bit more interaction TV is boring after a while. They seem to get some stimulation from it.
He was ignoring your requests because he saw you as a statue, again not a real thing, he was viewing you as an object, so your feelings would never count for anything in his book.
You are NOT to blame. Just thank your lucky stars that he’s gone.
I talk to my spaths ex and she said she’d mentioned my name to him recently and he said ‘isn’t she dead yet?’ I gave this guy EVERYTHING and that’s what he thinks of me 3 months down the road. We are NOTHING to them.
Stay NO CONTACT – it’s bliss once you get over the initial mind fcuk. Good luck.
Roxy,
It sounds like you’ve had a rough time. I second Candy’s advice, the more distance you have, the better.
In a relationship with someone who isn’t honest about or capable even of having reciprocal feelings, you get left with all the emotional residue.
Resist the inclination toward self doubt. Whatever else is true, you need to get on with your life. And again, to second Candy, its a better situation for you with him gone.
Keep your focus on the emergent future for you which has unlimited potential.
You are going to be ok.
Robx,
Okay, sit down and listen (that’s my “mama” tone of voice/typing)LOL
1. It was YOUR house.
2. YOU deserved some consideration in how things went.
3. It was HIS kid and HE was responsible for seeing that HIS kid had companionship and supervision and proper manners in YOUR house.
4. NO ONE should buy someone else (or even themselves) a living thing without consideration for who is going to be financially and physically responsible for meeting the needs of that living thing. Remember the story of what a “white elephant” is? In India a white elephant was sacred and could not be worked, but must be fed and groomed and cared for. It was WORTHLESS but costly, so if someone wanted to RUIN a neighbor financially etc. they gave them a GIFT OF A SACRED WHITE ELEPHANT. They could not sell it, or give it away, but must keep this “gift” which was very costly to maintain and also must pretend that they thought it was an honor when they (and everyone else4) knew was actually a CURSE!
So, though you knew you couldn’t afford to care for a dog, and therefore had made a wise decision NOT to get a dog, he “gave” you the WHITE ELEPHANT DOG (a Boxer in a small house/apartment is definitely a white elephant!) Then he took the credit for a “gift” that was in fact, a curse because YOU got the care and the expense and he got to look like a “GOOD GUY” for buying you a puppppppie! (excuse me while I puke)
EVERYTHING he has done has shown that he is not committed to his own KID, much less you or the dog——so, what YOU are going to do is to write 500 times and turn in by the end of the day.
THIS MAN IS NOT WORTH THE GOO UNDER MY LITTLE FINGER NAIL AND I WILL NO LONGER KEEP TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF WHAT HE DID OR SAYS.
Then, you will no longer have any kind of contact with him. You will not read his texts, you will place blocks on any way he has of contacting you, even if it means changing all your numbers and e mail, text and messenger addys.
THEN once you are NC you will start to heal.
Okay, now that you have had “mama lecture #47” get to writing your 500 times and realize that you are in the right place, that people here DO understand what you have been through cause we have been there too! and take my word for it, you will heal! HE IS A HEEL. ((((hugs))))