By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
babe,
I do. That’s not rocket science, it’s GASLIGHTING. My spath did the exact same thing, almost word for word. Uncanny really.
My ex also has a son. He’s turning HIM into a spath. What is it about the tv? Mine had like three or four in his house and his son is always right there, watching movies or whatever. no incentive to do more but sit on his ass and play video games, get on the computer or play his guitar in his room. Son is ex’s TROPHY!!! Sounds like your ex’s son is a bit younger than mine. WATCH OUT, because my ex’s son is now thirteen and is a NIGHTMARE!!!! He has the same empty expression in his eyes. He is COLD and SPOILED. Ex LOOOOOOOOVES priming him to be JUST LIKE HIM. There are so many oddities in similarity, it’s UNREAL. I would have KILLED that kid had I ever had to live with BOTH of them. ex was ALWAYS defending his son, no matter what. NEVER made him responsible for shit. He’s a diabetic and ex would sabotage OTHERS about how to properly maintenance his son. A week into this school year, son joined choir. Son was also responsible for making sure he got his insulin from school at the end of the day, EXCEPT for when ex had him for HIS week. So son “Misses” choir because he didn’t get on the bus. He also forgot his insulin to take home that day from school. Ex was pissed off, not at pretty boy, but AT THE SCHOOL STAFF……….so what does he do? He marches his ass down there and bitches out the principle for not getting his son on the RIGHT bus to get to choir, as well as his son FORGETTING to bring his insulin home. POINT? NOT THE SON’S RESPONSIBILITY BUT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE SCHOOL!! WTF?
Thank God you’re out babe, because what you saw was nothing compared to what you’d put yourself through if he had stayed. He’s grooming his son to be just as rotten and nasty as he is and that’s sad, but not YOUR responsibility. He could give a rats ass about encouraging his child’s growth because then it’s NOT JUST LIKE HIM.
As they get older, they treat them worse to if the child dares to defy the spath parent. NOT pleasant!!!
OMG, I feel so sorry for new gf! The games my ex will surely play, pitting new gf with perfect trophy spathy son and his ex wife will surely bring about LOTS of drama!
Thank God you’re out!!
This guy is a loser Babe and he’s GROOMING HIS SON TO BE THE SAME!
LL
Oxy – they can only get us where there is desire and attachment in our hearts, but to lose these qualities would be to lose some of our humanity.
This is why i think we will always be susceptible to spaths. doesn’t mean we don’t learn more and more about their traits and our Achilles’s heals, and therefore learn to end run their cons – but i think, thank god, we will always have things we reach out to.
for you, it is obvious, that your love for your husband and step dad will always be with you, and that’s a good thing. your egg donor manipulating that, is bad thing.
Oxy, she is certainly a sly one.
If you ever do have to move, you’ll have to come back to your old stomping grounds
out here in CA!!! Then we can go bug EB!!
Chic – when are you going to drop that shabby?
Babe,
you gotta one-up that old spath by using the gift he gave you to meet a new guy.
Take the dog walking or jogging at a local beach or park. You’d be surprised what an ice breaker a puppy can be for meeting people. My spath used to use his dog for that – that’s how I know. Later, he just used pictures of my cat on his laptop.
But you know, we can take a play from their play book if we do it in good conscience and be CAREFUL not to meet ANOTHER spath!
one/joy, yeah!!! I’ve been thinking about it!!!
Funny you should mention that.
Originally it stood for “slightly used, but still beatuiful”
hahahaha. But I am sick of it at this point.
I read the other night about the conference you are putting together,
it sounds fabulous!! Congratulations!
I seem to get to this site most of the time…
late in the evening, after most are asleep!
and i have been getting here at odd hours – usually while everyone is still asleep.
Thanks about the conference, it’s in a caouple of weeks, and much left to do. I am not well – got pneumonia last week, whoopie. i lost a couple of days work and will just have to take it really easy – which means prioritizing and delegating and letting go of whatever others won’t pick up. my body is determined that i not over do it.
they put me on an antibiotic that is making me dizzy as sin – i wonder what it messes with in the system to cause that? i am really glad that i seem to be tolerating this one (only 2 pills in, but usually by second i will have reacted.)
one of my away from here friends sent me an ipod. i can’t tell you how much this small device is making me feel rich – it’s beautiful #1 (RED!) and it’s so nice to listen to music on it when i walk. There are not many things i need to make me feel rich, what i have heard termed,’ an elegant sufficiency’.
I am so sorry to hear you are not feeling well…
what a terrible time to feel this way… .with the
conference in a couple of weeks. I know some of the people
you work with are half crazy, so that doesn’t help much!!!!
Can you get a different type of medication?
I had an ipod, I put it somewhere for safe-keeping,
and never saw it again, that was about 3 years ago!
Hope you get well fast and that the dizzy feeling goes away NOW!!!
Hi everyone. I read your comments above. I felt better that I was not the only one here. I have been tramatized by deaf spath for 3 years. I am deaf too. I have talked to friends. Bad decisions because friends did not understand at all. I talked to my therapist. She is wonderful but she learned a lot from me. I told her about lovefraud.com etc in case if next client came to her with similar problem. I felt stronger little by little each day. Some day I fell through blaming myself, angry and all. I am sure it is normal. I am sure you felt the same way too. One of reasons why it becoming difficult for me is because deaf spath’s deaf son is still going to my deaf school where I am teaching right now. Thank god different departments whew.
Anyway yesterday and today I find myself being very angry with myself and at my good friend who was with him (deaf spath). She gave him a lot of money. OUCH. Same with me I gave him a lot of money OUCH too. She used to be furious with him about not giving back the money as promised. She talked about filing small claim court against him. But but but then few weeks she met a wonderful man. She completely forgot about the stupid court like nothing has happened. I asked her how was the process of filing the small claim court. She said, “hmmm maybe March or April because I am too busy.” That was few months ago. Yesterday we went out to eat lunch. I asked her if she heard anything from deaf spath. She quickly said, no” then busily herself with food on her plate. I was not satisfied with her answer. I asked her again as I changed the question, ” did you ask him about money?” She said, “well he not actually aimed me. I was the one who aimed him. I asked him about the money. He asked for address. I gave him my office address instead of my home address. That was it nothing more.” Deep inside me I felt boiling mad. Am I overreacting? I feel that she was a lucky bitch who was in a mess then met a nice guy few days later. I was the one who kept suffering ups and downs. I just joined zumba class. I bought a book, “Idiots guide to Buddhism”. I contacted yoga class to join for the first time. I contacted few mediums (spiritual healers) so I can improve my self esteem, emotionally and health. I like to hear from you if you have similar experiences.
One more thing I learned that deaf spath has blocked me on aim I know you said that is good good good good but i am surprised that my friend and deaf spath can see each others on aim. Am i being childish?
Thank you for listening to my steamy vent.
hi chic – i am thrilled to have an intibiotic that i can take at all. so my remedy is to not stand up! 🙂
yah, the timing sucks – but if this is my worst problem…..
and yah, some of my workmates are half baked, but i have A LOT of power right now, so i say no, and it’s gonna be ‘no.’ (I called a moratorium on ‘good ideas’ last week. No one has another good idea, unless they want to carry it out themselves…i love me some boundaries. :))
haha about the ipod – i can sooo see doing that, they are so small. Weird, the ipod holds as much music as i have on my computer right now….and i can barely lug my laptop to the bus, the damn thing is heavy.