By Ox Drover
I got to thinking today about being stronger now than I was prior to the last experience with the psychopaths in my life ”¦ but when I really got to thinking about it, I realized I have actually always been as strong as I am now, I just didn’t know it or take advantage of it.
One of the reasons that humans are able to work horses, mules and oxen to pull heavy loads is because the beasts we use for our labor do not realize their strength. They don’t realize the absolute brute force power they have over us. We “control” them because they allow it.
Why do they allow it? The answer is because they are not aware of the strength and power that they have, so they allow us to take it from them and use it for our own benefit. We may “give back” something to them, like food and care for what they give us in the form of their obedience and labors, but the bottom line is that any time they realize that they have the power and strength to break away they could do it. Even if we were to abuse them, not feed them, they would still allow us to use their labor until they dropped over dead of starvation, because they don’t know any better. They don’t recognize that they don’t really “need” us to furnish feed, they could run away and find grass to fill their bellies and not labor for us. They just don’t know it. Even the fences I have around my farm are not strong enough to hold them if they really want through them, but merely “suggestions” for them to stay on this side of it. If they wanted through, the wire and posts would topple.
When we start training oxen, which are really nothing but baby calves (no special breed of animal just cattle), we are stronger than they are, and if necessary, we could wrestle them to the ground, and we also teach them that we are the “food gods” and that ALL GOOD things come from us, as well as some pretty painful ones if they do not conform to our alpha position in the “herd.” When you get right down to it, in many ways we (humans) control animals the way that psychopaths control their victims. The only difference is that I actually care about my animal’s welfare and am emotionally attached to them, whereas a psychopath really doesn’t care much about their victim’s welfare or health.
Intermittent reinforcement
In training animals, trainers use “intermittent reinforcement.” The psychologist B. F. Skinner wrote that this brings on a stronger “bond” with a given behavior than if you rewarded them every time they did the behavior. That’s why a “slot machine” will keep someone stuffing money into it, because gamblers are just sure that “NEXT time” it will give them the jackpot. Psychopaths also use the intermittent reward system with us, and we keep hoping that by doing what they want, the NEXT TIME we will get the “jackpot” reward from them.
We could rebel and tell them to take their intermittent rewards and shove them, that we are not going to knuckle down and be their victims, to “pull their plows” by going to work and giving them our money, but we don’t rebel against them. We are unaware that we have the strength and power to rebel, to stand up on our own. If we are earning the living and giving them the money, why do we need them? If s/he is earning the living and we are staying home taking care of the kids all the time, still, what do we need them for?
Power and strength
We have the power and strength to take care of ourselves if we will just recognize it, acknowledge it and then use it. One working parent, taking care of the children and still making a living and a home, is still a “better deal” for children than one good, nurturing parent who is stressed and depressed most or all of the time because of the drama and abuse from a psychopathic partner.
I really am no stronger today than I was back in the midst of the psychopathic chaos, when I was literally huddled on the floor in the fetal position, emotionally “sucking my thumb,” fearing I would be killed by my psychopathic stalkers any minute.
My psychopathic son doesn’t hate me any less, most of my other relatives are no more supportive than they were back then, but I feel stronger. I feel safer. I feel better, because I recognize that I am strong enough to protect myself as much as anyone can. I can live a good life, a happy life, a healthy life, and take control of my own life. I don’t have to give that control and strength and power to anyone.
I can reward and reinforce my own good behavior, I can exercise my power, my strength and my autonomy to be what I want to be, to be the best that I can make myself.
“providence of God”
Ox Drover I always get strength from your strength in your words. Thank you yet again. It’s God’s providence that has kept me going.My S left me and my two teens over a year ago what seemed like out of the blue. Now I see it so clearly as the hand of God that literally picked him up and plucked him out of our lives in one moment.
He smugly said to me a week ago that he wished I had someone. bragging that he has someone else in his life. He actually moved into another females life, her rent , her car, her money. I simply told him that I embarrassed being by myself because I never felt more alone in my life than when I was with him. He and his ego was all he needed. I literally stopped sharing feelings with him, he never ever heard me speak. So we get these sociopaths that have no social skills and they dont stop till they turn us into zombies like them. I saw it in my kids, a blank look on their faces. With my kids they opened up the second their dad was gone. I have a ways to go but I darn sure wont be rebounding into any new relationships any time soon. Thats how I ended up wasting 16 years with a sociopath. Out of no self worth. Strength is what I have gained in this year and this site is amazing for its lack of judgment. Nobody can understand what my life has been like living with a S except sadly for my friends here who feel my pain. God Bless you,Sue
Dear Sue K,
I’m glad that you are able to see what a GIFT the psychopath leaving has been to you…..even though at the time it may have felt like you “lost” something valuable….you GAINED something valuable.
I can look back and see some things that happened to me along the way that APPEARED at the time to be “bad things” (painful things) but later, I saw that it was the “providence of God” at work and if that “bad” (painful) thing had not happened a wonderful blessing that happened later couldn’t have come about.
The day my husband died in an accident here at the farm/airport, I had plans to go somewhere but that morning a cow was sick and I had to get her up and give her an injection, and in the process I broke my little finger. Not a SERIOUS thing, but an extremely PAINFUL one, and so I called and canceled my plans for the morning and was putting an ice pack on my finger and grumbling under my voice about how badly it hurt and how upset I was my plans were ruined….but….if I had not broken the finger, I would have been gone when my husband’s plane crashed and I WOULD HAVE MISSED THOSE PRECIOUS LAST HOURS WITH HIM BEFORE HE DIED that have been such a COMFORT to me in the years since.
I could go on and on with list after list of things just like that, that if something bad hadn’t happened, I would have missed a later blessing. So the thing is that we can take comfort that we aren’t in this universe alone, and that when we think that things are the worst, they can still get better.
I’m glad you are here, SueK, and glad that you are taking comfort in this wonderful site that Donna has provided for us to share and reach out to each other. The providence of God in our lives and the caring of the other bloggers here, and their understanding and comfort for us is what it is all about. We can reach out and comfort someone we may never meet face to face, but the comfort is REAL. God bless, Sue! (((hugs))))
Can anybody help me? I have been seeing my girlfriend for nearly a year. She was a victim of a sociopath about 2 1/2 yrs ago. I am a ‘normal’ guy; one who cares much about her and is trying very hard to help her through this ordeal. I have been reading as much as possible about what she is going through, trying to understand, and have been following this blog weekly.
She is, and to be expected, very traumatized by her experience. Like others on this blog, she was swept off her feet by him, lied to, and abused terribly. I won’t go into details, as most of you already know, just to explain she is living a nightmare. I listen to her for hours on end whenever she gets the need to talk; it seems to help whenever she addresses her issues.
Now, I am not perfect, by a long shot. But I am a good man, raised in a loving family, and without any of the traits common in a sociopath. I’ve never intentionally hurt, abused or manipulated anybody in my life. God is a big part of my life, and being a decent, kind person is who I want to be. That said, I’ve been very patient and loving with her throughout our relationship.
Most of the time, we were very happy together. We enjoyed each others company and got along wonderfully. We even talked about marriage; although it was obvious she needs more healing beforehand. But I was ok with the wait”..I wanted her to be healthy and happy first.
Then the ’ghost’ inside comes to haunt her. Now, it seems she is directing her fears towards me, venting on me. Lately, she has accused me of being a “psycho”, and is expecting me to start behaving the way her ’ex’ did; to lie, to cheat, to manipulate and take her for all she’s got. She has said she expect me to “snap” and to become just like him. This behavior of hers shows itself about once a month. I will give her some space and then she will call, apologize, and we will talk it out. I have to keep reassuring her that I am an honorable guy, and to keep reminding her that during our time together I have never treated her badly or abused her. Then she calms down and all is good”.until the next time.
After she divorced the sociopath, she would date to “time fill”, to occupy herself. She would go out for a short time with someone, but it would always be meaningless and unfulfilling. However, with me, she says it is very different. I have shown her kindness and patience, and she has said it is the first peace she has had since her experience. She has told me numerous times that if she “blows” this relationship, she will be very sorry. She has told me often that she truly loves me.
We haven’t spoken for a week now, since the last incidence. I know if I pursue, she will just run, and say I am stalking her. But, if I stay away too long, I’m afraid she will revert to her old habits, run away and probably damage our relationship beyond repair. I’ve been told to let her go, that it isn’t worth the time or trouble. Problem is, I adore her. Never in my life have I felt this way about a woman. And because of my love for her, I naturally want to help her heal, not to just turn and throw her away.
We have talked about therapy, but she just says few therapists are qualified to be able to help a victim of a psychopath, and that they probably couldn’t help. However, I just think she is afraid, scared to uncover and face the demons.
When we go to church or fellowship together, I sense a calmness and peacefulness in her. So, I do believe therapy, of mostly any sort, could help her cope. Is there any qualified therapist out there who might help? Or, is there any advice as to what I should do? Should I continue to leave her alone, and risk losing her altogether? Maybe call her and see if she’s ok? Or should I just give up and let her go? I just don’t know what to do. Please help.
Dear Brian,
I hear your concern and caring, but at the same time I see some VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL STUFF going on with her, this REPEATED venting, blowing up, “throwing a fit” and then pushing you away.l
I suggest that your girl friend sounds more like a BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER herself than just purely a “victim” in her previous relationship. She obviously also has some “abandonment” and “push/pull” issues that I think require some SERIOUS therapy if there is even any hope of you and she having a “normal” relationship.
I also realize that you care for this woman, but I think your best and safest bet is to let this one go and find someone who does NOT have these SERIOUS issues. It sounds to me like you are being played pretty much by someone who isn’t long term worth the effort to “fix.”
Most of us here are here because we tried to “fix” someone we felt was damaged—and we ended up being badly damaged ourselves. Many times people who present themselves as “victims” are IN FACT the abuser themselves.
I suggest you google “borderline personality disorder” and learn all you can about that disorder as well as continue to read here. BTW I am a retired mental health professional and while I can’t diagnose anyone over the internet from someone else’s description, I think BPD may ring some bells with you. Learn about it. Good luck. God bless.
Brian,
she sounds like she is manipulating you. Sociopaths OFTEN, OFTEN, OFTEN pretend to be the one being stalked by a sociopath. I was going to try to be “polite” but what the heck, I’m pretty sure – no, I’m almost 100% sure you described a very smart sociopath.
Regardless, she is unhealthy. You don’t need that kind of pity ploy in your life. She needs therapy and if she really wants to be healthy, she will get it.
And btw, you have never felt this way about a woman. THAT’S A RED FLAG. You will never feel the way about a normal person as you do about a sociopath. There is a reason for this: they trauma bond you.
That is the purpose for the wild swings of mood. First love, then lashing out. It forms an addictive bond where she provides the problem (her emotional outbursts) and also the solution (she calms down – how nice!) That is the MO of the spath and also crack cocaine or whatever drug of your choice.
Brian, you will know a healthy woman when you don’t get DRAMA. RUN RUN RUN AWAY FROM THE DRAMA! Turn away from the pity ploy, reject the charm, go GREY ROCK on the rage.
Thank you both (Ox Drover & Skylar) for your advice. It is much welcomed. I am aware she has some deep issues, but I attributed it to her bad experience. Perhaps she does have some personality disorder. I will address this and learn more. And, I am seriously considering leaving this relationship…..I’m not stupid, just optimistic and hopeful. But if it is a lost cause, I want to heal now, and not have it drawn on. But, I must first see if it is possible, her healing, that is.
As you can probably tell, this is emotionally drawing on me. I’m torn between what I am learning, and the advice I should follow, and what I feel in my heart for her. It sometimes is very hard to be objective when so much is subjective! This is one of the most difficult things I have ever done, let go of someone who I adore. But, I know I cannot be happy 80% of the time, and tortured 20%.
Thanks again for your advice….it is much welcomed.
Brian
Brian,
I’m glad you are seeing the light. I think if you were a woman, all the rest of the gang here would be screaming at you to RUN!
But it seems like women don’t think men are in danger. They are.
My BF tried to warn a guy, he didn’t listen. Later he met him at a party. The guy looked like a zombie. He just walked up, said, “you were right…” and kept walking.
Another poster here, I believe, posted about a guy who’s pushing a shopping cart. He used to be successful until he tangled with a spath woman. It’s not worth it. I guarantee it.
Brian, While reading your post I thought of an article I read while searching for my own answers. It is entitled, “Borderline men I’ve known and almost loved.” I agree with Oxy, she sounds like a borderline.
Google that article and read it. It talks a bit about borderline women, too, and the website is chock full of good information about border-line females.
I also suggest that you focus a bit on detaching emotionally from the idea of helping her. Work on yourself, and take care of your self.
htpp//gettinbetter.comarticles.html
gettinbetter.comarticles.html
Thanks for this post, Ox. I really liked it. Just what I needed.