Last week, I posted Letters to Lovefraud: Who we used to be, written by the reader who posts as “Panther.” She called herself a “new survivor,” having just left the sociopath and gone “No Contact” less than a month ago. She wrote:
Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this.
To Panther and other Lovefraud newbies: The only difference between you and the veterans is time. We’ve been on the healing journey longer than you have.
I left my sociopathic ex-husband in February of 1999. That was more than 12 years ago! I’ll tell you what I was like when the wounds were raw. Here’s what I wrote on page 287 of my book, Love Fraud How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. In this part, I’m describing my state of mind, and state of being, when I discovered the treachery of my ex-husband:
James Montgomery proclaimed his love to me—just as he had proclaimed his love to 20 or 30 other women who had discretionary income and access to credit. I was just another pawn in a long line of women who heard the words “I love you” and believed them.
Why had this happened to me? All I ever wanted was what everyone wants—companionship, happiness, love. I was a good, considerate person. I worked hard. I treated people fairly. I did not deserve to be so exploited.
I paced up and down the hallway, my thoughts tumbling over each other, building into a mountain of pain and confusion. I leaned my back against the wall and slid to the floor, talking to myself. I felt like I should cry, but I could not. My dog, Beau, worriedly licked my face.
I was angry. I was outraged. Yet all I felt was numbness. I decided to call my therapist, Elaine Anderson. Luckily, she was available to do a session with me right then, over the phone.
I lay on the bed in my spare room, the meditation room, and told Elaine what I had found in James’ papers: Correspondence to his business associates that was full of lies. Letters from women asking for their money back. Stock certificates made out to many of these women. Proof that the corporation issuing the stock certificates was defunct.
The dam within me began to crack, and then it burst. I cried. I groaned. I choked. Emotional pain rose from deep within me to the surface of my awareness, like pus rising from a deep infection. Painful energy traveled to various parts of my body—my hands, my eyes, my heart. My hands clenched. I struggled to breathe.
I don’t know how long it went on. But slowly, the pain dissipated.
That was the beginning of my journey to recovery. I spent many, many hours curled up on the floor, crying. I also spent many hours envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow and pounding it with my fists, pounding until I collapsed. I spent many hours with my therapist, coaxing the anger and bitterness out of my emotions and out of my soul.
The betrayal of the sociopath creates deep, deep pools of pain and disappointment within us. To recover and regain ourselves, we have to drain those pools. It takes time.
And then, as we drain them, we find more pain and disappointment in the pools, left over from injuries that we experienced before the sociopath. In fact, it was those injuries that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Those emotions must also be drained.
Healing doesn’t just happen—we have to make a conscious decision to face all of the negativity head on. If we don’t make the decision to heal, if we just try to put the experience of the sociopath behind us without dealing with the pain—well, then it was all a waste, we didn’t learn anything, and we’re likely to repeat it by finding another sociopath.
Recovery is possible, but it takes time and commitment. Here the words I said to myself time and time again: “Just keep going.”
So to all of you who are just starting out, just keep going. I promise you, you can overcome, you can recover, and you can find peace.
I feel ashamed that I am just another addict after all. I always considered myself to be strong and of good character and able to weather all sorts of mishaps. The run in with the spath has really brought me to my knees. Suppose this realization is the silver lining.
I understand what some of you said above. That you feel like a target. I am obviously horrible at reading people. And it seems like everyone wants a piece of me too but not in a good way.
People give me TMI as well. My neighbors just dumped their dirty laundry on me while I was getting out of my car. He is a pig and likes to bring home women to “have fun with.” She is on happy pills to cope with him and their four small children. I went on a first date with a heart surgeon and on that date he dumped his whole life story on me, even shed a tear, and then told me he was considering me for someone to marry and have another one of his kids. I feel like I am surrounded by zombies like Night of the Living Dead. Think I am just going to put on my headphones keep to myself for a while.
Louise,
I don’t think it’s attractive looks that make people approach me but rather a look of meekness. I’ve been told I have a docile demeanor and voice.
I think I appear to be someone who would not fight back or get angry.
That is mostly true, I’m very calm and laid back. But when I do get mad, people can’t believe it – they become afraid. A lady who was road raging at me, ran back into her car and locked it when she saw me get out of my car and walk toward her.
The president of our association thought he could bully me into doing illegal work and I just let him rant and rant for weeks. Then one day, I had it. I looked at him and said, “Joe, THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.”
This giant bully of a man, finally shut his trap. He resigned the next day stating, “I’ve come to the conclusion that I can no longer influence the members of the board.”
What I didn’t know is that he and the other board members were doing this because my spath had put them up to it. They were trying to get me into a compromising position.
Michi;
Perhaps you are not as messed up as you think you are, and the world if far more than you think.
Let’s see:
Upwards of 10% have a Cluster-B personality disorder.
10% are alcoholic or recovering alcoholic.
5% have serious drug problems.
10% more may not have a diagnosable condition but are otherwise “toxic” individuals.
Thus 1/3 of the general population can cause emotional harm. Many are highly functional thus masking their issues.
There is this one guy I have known for about three years. He is more of a “friend of a friend” but I always have had an attraction for him, since he is reasonably attractive, intelligent, nice… Thankfully, I first met him when I had boundaries and never pursued anything, as he is a heavy drinker, smoker and recreational drug user.
I just learned last week he is a Neurologist. I nearly fell over, as from his lifestyle, I found never have expected him to be a doctor…
Behind Blue Eyes,
No worries about drinking. I don’t drink much alcohol. I’ve never been more than a social drinker, and nowadays 2 beers makes me think, “That’s enough,” and hten I order a coca cola or something. There are some people who’d never order a soda or non alcoholic at a bar, but I’m not one of them. And another red flag for me are people who wish to buy me a drink, but refuse to buy me a soft drink. Then I’d rather pay my own drink.
I don’t like the influence of intoxicating substances… It makes you feel like a different person, but I don’t want to be a different person at all, least of all feel like a different person… not even when I feel bad about myself.
Dear Michi,
Welcome HOME! Unfortunately, we sort of do know what we are talking about because in our collective experience the psychopaths have shown that there is a PATTERN in their behavior, but there is also a PATTERN IN OUR BEHAVIOR.
We can’t fix them, but we CAN fix ourselves…and that’s the “trick.” We have to learn to set boundaries in how we allow others to treat us. SO, get READING….go back through the LF archives by subject and author and READ every article….then ponder it, then put it into practice. It takes time and practice, just like riding a bike does, and you will fall off sometimes, but it gets easier and better the more you READ and PRACTICE. God bless and welcome back!
skylar:
OK, you and I are beginning to sound like twins…bookworms, love cats, and now it really sounds like we have the same general demeanor. I am the same way…very laid back, etc., but watch out if I get mad. Same with me, people can’t believe it when I get mad and I think sometimes I freak people out…they think I’m crazy!
BBE:
You have made a very good point. We are dealing with a lot of toxic people and yes, the ones who are highly functional (which is a lot of them) are even more dangerous (can inflict more emotional harm) because they are more difficult to detect.
Louise and Sky,
I’m different… Laid back, but not always quiet. As long as I just huff and breeze, people are safe. When I’m really angry, then I become icy cold. No kicking around, but deadly calm rejection and then I never look back.
darwinsmom:
You sound lethal when you get angry! I mean that in a kidding way! 🙂
Good for you that you don’t look back. Looking back can cause confusion and second guessing.
Darwinsmom and Louise,
I do think I’m laid back, but other people have told me that I appear docile and meek but I don’t see myself that way at all. But then one time I let my spath videotape me examining a hummingbird nest and I was shocked by how meek I appear. And I had a little girl voice. Weird. Maybe it’s just around him, maybe not.
But that’s not how I perceive myself on a daily basis.
Then again, when I get angry, it shocks me to see people run away or cringe in fear. LOL! I don’t feel like I’m that scary either. Maybe my perceptions of myself are all screwed up…and that’s why I don’t understand people’s reactions to me.
Maybe they are all mistaking my kindness for weakness. But they aren’t the same thing AT ALL.