Last week, I posted Letters to Lovefraud: Who we used to be, written by the reader who posts as “Panther.” She called herself a “new survivor,” having just left the sociopath and gone “No Contact” less than a month ago. She wrote:
Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this.
To Panther and other Lovefraud newbies: The only difference between you and the veterans is time. We’ve been on the healing journey longer than you have.
I left my sociopathic ex-husband in February of 1999. That was more than 12 years ago! I’ll tell you what I was like when the wounds were raw. Here’s what I wrote on page 287 of my book, Love Fraud How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. In this part, I’m describing my state of mind, and state of being, when I discovered the treachery of my ex-husband:
James Montgomery proclaimed his love to me—just as he had proclaimed his love to 20 or 30 other women who had discretionary income and access to credit. I was just another pawn in a long line of women who heard the words “I love you” and believed them.
Why had this happened to me? All I ever wanted was what everyone wants—companionship, happiness, love. I was a good, considerate person. I worked hard. I treated people fairly. I did not deserve to be so exploited.
I paced up and down the hallway, my thoughts tumbling over each other, building into a mountain of pain and confusion. I leaned my back against the wall and slid to the floor, talking to myself. I felt like I should cry, but I could not. My dog, Beau, worriedly licked my face.
I was angry. I was outraged. Yet all I felt was numbness. I decided to call my therapist, Elaine Anderson. Luckily, she was available to do a session with me right then, over the phone.
I lay on the bed in my spare room, the meditation room, and told Elaine what I had found in James’ papers: Correspondence to his business associates that was full of lies. Letters from women asking for their money back. Stock certificates made out to many of these women. Proof that the corporation issuing the stock certificates was defunct.
The dam within me began to crack, and then it burst. I cried. I groaned. I choked. Emotional pain rose from deep within me to the surface of my awareness, like pus rising from a deep infection. Painful energy traveled to various parts of my body—my hands, my eyes, my heart. My hands clenched. I struggled to breathe.
I don’t know how long it went on. But slowly, the pain dissipated.
That was the beginning of my journey to recovery. I spent many, many hours curled up on the floor, crying. I also spent many hours envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow and pounding it with my fists, pounding until I collapsed. I spent many hours with my therapist, coaxing the anger and bitterness out of my emotions and out of my soul.
The betrayal of the sociopath creates deep, deep pools of pain and disappointment within us. To recover and regain ourselves, we have to drain those pools. It takes time.
And then, as we drain them, we find more pain and disappointment in the pools, left over from injuries that we experienced before the sociopath. In fact, it was those injuries that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Those emotions must also be drained.
Healing doesn’t just happen—we have to make a conscious decision to face all of the negativity head on. If we don’t make the decision to heal, if we just try to put the experience of the sociopath behind us without dealing with the pain—well, then it was all a waste, we didn’t learn anything, and we’re likely to repeat it by finding another sociopath.
Recovery is possible, but it takes time and commitment. Here the words I said to myself time and time again: “Just keep going.”
So to all of you who are just starting out, just keep going. I promise you, you can overcome, you can recover, and you can find peace.
“I keep thinking I’m moving forward, but then I take one step back”
My very thoughts. Plus I am my own worst enemy.
Thank you LF for posting the right article at just the right time. It has been 3 1/2 yrs since my marriage ended. I have spend a lot of time feeling like I got kicked in the gut. I have not had professional therapy but I’m thinking at this point I need it. I can’t move forward. I can’t stop feeling angry and ashamed and victimized.
I am trying to do everything I can to raise my son right & don’t spend any time on myself. I will be forever guilty for giving my son a father with no emotions. Just allowing him to know his father exposes him to being a pawn in the big game of lies as I used to be.
I do not see loving and trusting someone again in my future at all. The thought scares me terribly. I was recently told that I will never be happy. Those words made me cry because I’m afraid they’re true. How do I find the courage to step out of the darkness and take the steps toward healing?
New Day – The first thing to do is to decide that you want your life to be different. You want it to be better. You want to feel happiness and joy.
Then, you allow yourself to feel happiness and joy, even in very small doses. If you like flowers, allow yourself to enjoy flowers. If you like ice cream, buy a dish of your favorite flavor. Anything that makes you happy at all, do it, and allow yourself to enjoy it.
Then, do it again. And do something else that makes you happy.
Even little bits of happiness and joy can grow. Give yourself permission to feel it.
HI Ox Drover
I think I know that (now) about the police not pursuing me,,,but I believed SO many of his lies that this was just one more that I believed…and truth be told, I wasn’t willing to find out the hard way that it was just a lie. Packing him up- stolen goods and all, was the safest way to acheive getting it and him out of the house. I was so scared of the “what if’s” cause he was right about ONE thing…he had nothing to lose and I had everything to lose.
YES…AMAZING that the cake didn’t work out because of having what he lacks – A CONSCIENCE! I love having a conscience and I pity the fact that he will never feel the love, joy, sorrow, empathy and all the wonderful emotions that God gave us!
Thanks for your words – on my post and on others!!! I get SO much for your wisdom!
Many many blessings to you!
Jeannie,
ANYTIME you make “contact” with them, it is always a LOSE/LOSE situation for YOU….please believe me on that.
You may think you have nothing to lose by going to the party while he is there, but I can almost guarantee you (without a crystal ball) that it will NOT be a good evening. That is why we here at LF STRESS NO CONTACT at all. But each of us have to learn our own path to healing.
Jeannie,
Your neighbor cannot be trusted. I’ve suspected this before but now I’m sure of it. She is one of his minions.
A normal person would not invite a spath to her home after what you have told her. But she keeps doing it. And now she is inviting both of you to the same party… THEY ARE SETTING YOU UP.
Don’t go and GREY ROCK YOUR NEIGHBOR. She is feeding off your emotions.
Jeannie:
Skylar is so right…listen to her.
And Oxy is also right…if you go, you will end up only deeply upset…trust me; it happened to me. I know. Please don’t go and object yourself to all that drama. It will only end up badly. Hugs to you.
Here is something which resonated with me and perhaps it will make others here feel better about themselves:
Easily Embarrassed? Study Finds People Will Trust You More:
“If tripping in public or mistaking an overweight woman for a mother-to-be leaves you red-faced, don’t feel bad. A new study from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that people who are easily embarrassed are also more trustworthy, and more generous…”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110928180418.htm
BBE, I think it is because people who are “easily embarassed” have a conscience, a moral compass and they CARE what others think. The psychopath cares not a whit about what others think except to keep up their mask, but it isn’t “embarassment” they feel if it slips, it is rage. LOL
BTW the link does not work.
Here is the full text:
If tripping in public or mistaking an overweight woman for a mother-to-be leaves you red-faced, don’t feel bad. A new study from the University of California, Berkeley, suggests that people who are easily embarrassed are also more trustworthy, and more generous.
In short, embarrassment can be a good thing.
“Embarrassment is one emotional signature of a person to whom you can entrust valuable resources. It’s part of the social glue that fosters trust and cooperation in everyday life,” said UC Berkeley social psychologist Robb Willer, a coauthor of the study published in this month’s online issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Not only are the UC Berkeley findings useful for people seeking cooperative and reliable team members and business partners, but they also make for helpful dating advice. Subjects who were more easily embarrassed reported higher levels of monogamy, according to the study.
“Moderate levels of embarrassment are signs of virtue,” said Matthew Feinberg, a doctoral student in psychology at UC Berkeley and lead author of the paper. “Our data suggests embarrassment is a good thing, not something you should fight.” The paper’s third author is UC Berkeley psychologist Dacher Keltner, an expert on pro-social emotions.
Researchers point out that the moderate type of embarrassment they examined should not be confused with debilitating social anxiety or with “shame,” which is associated in the psychology literature with such moral transgressions as being caught cheating.
While the most typical gesture of embarrassment is a downward gaze to one side while partially covering the face and either smirking or grimacing, a person who feels shame, as distinguished from embarrassment, will typically cover the whole face, Feinberg said.
The results were gleaned from a series of experiments that used video testimonials, economic trust games and surveys to gauge the relationship between embarrassment and pro-sociality.
In the first experiment, 60 college students were videotaped recounting embarrassing moments such as public flatulence or making incorrect assumptions based on appearances. Typical sources of embarrassment included mistaking an overweight woman for being pregnant or a disheveled person for being a panhandler. Research assistants coded each video testimonial based on the level of embarrassment the subjects showed.
The college students also participated in the “Dictator Game,” which is used in economics research to measure altruism. For example, each was given 10 raffle tickets and asked to keep a share of the tickets and give the remainder to a partner. Results showed that those who showed greater levels of embarrassment tended to give away more of their raffle tickets, indicating greater generosity.
Researchers also surveyed 38 Americans whom they recruited through Craigslist. Survey participants were asked how often they feel embarrassed. They were also gauged for their general cooperativeness and generosity through such exercises as the aforementioned dictator game.
In another experiment, participants watched a trained actor being told he received a perfect score on a test. The actor responded with either embarrassment or pride. They then played games with the actor that measured their trust in him based on whether he had shown pride or embarrassment.
Time and again, the results showed that embarrassment signals people’s tendency to be pro-social, Feinberg said. “You want to affiliate with them more,” he said, “you feel comfortable trusting them.”
So, can one infer from the results that overly confident people aren’t trustworthy? While the study didn’t delve into that question, researchers say they may look into that in the future.
University of California – Berkeley (2011, September 28). Easily embarrassed? Study finds people will trust you more.