Last week, I posted Letters to Lovefraud: Who we used to be, written by the reader who posts as “Panther.” She called herself a “new survivor,” having just left the sociopath and gone “No Contact” less than a month ago. She wrote:
Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this.
To Panther and other Lovefraud newbies: The only difference between you and the veterans is time. We’ve been on the healing journey longer than you have.
I left my sociopathic ex-husband in February of 1999. That was more than 12 years ago! I’ll tell you what I was like when the wounds were raw. Here’s what I wrote on page 287 of my book, Love Fraud How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. In this part, I’m describing my state of mind, and state of being, when I discovered the treachery of my ex-husband:
James Montgomery proclaimed his love to me—just as he had proclaimed his love to 20 or 30 other women who had discretionary income and access to credit. I was just another pawn in a long line of women who heard the words “I love you” and believed them.
Why had this happened to me? All I ever wanted was what everyone wants—companionship, happiness, love. I was a good, considerate person. I worked hard. I treated people fairly. I did not deserve to be so exploited.
I paced up and down the hallway, my thoughts tumbling over each other, building into a mountain of pain and confusion. I leaned my back against the wall and slid to the floor, talking to myself. I felt like I should cry, but I could not. My dog, Beau, worriedly licked my face.
I was angry. I was outraged. Yet all I felt was numbness. I decided to call my therapist, Elaine Anderson. Luckily, she was available to do a session with me right then, over the phone.
I lay on the bed in my spare room, the meditation room, and told Elaine what I had found in James’ papers: Correspondence to his business associates that was full of lies. Letters from women asking for their money back. Stock certificates made out to many of these women. Proof that the corporation issuing the stock certificates was defunct.
The dam within me began to crack, and then it burst. I cried. I groaned. I choked. Emotional pain rose from deep within me to the surface of my awareness, like pus rising from a deep infection. Painful energy traveled to various parts of my body—my hands, my eyes, my heart. My hands clenched. I struggled to breathe.
I don’t know how long it went on. But slowly, the pain dissipated.
That was the beginning of my journey to recovery. I spent many, many hours curled up on the floor, crying. I also spent many hours envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow and pounding it with my fists, pounding until I collapsed. I spent many hours with my therapist, coaxing the anger and bitterness out of my emotions and out of my soul.
The betrayal of the sociopath creates deep, deep pools of pain and disappointment within us. To recover and regain ourselves, we have to drain those pools. It takes time.
And then, as we drain them, we find more pain and disappointment in the pools, left over from injuries that we experienced before the sociopath. In fact, it was those injuries that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Those emotions must also be drained.
Healing doesn’t just happen—we have to make a conscious decision to face all of the negativity head on. If we don’t make the decision to heal, if we just try to put the experience of the sociopath behind us without dealing with the pain—well, then it was all a waste, we didn’t learn anything, and we’re likely to repeat it by finding another sociopath.
Recovery is possible, but it takes time and commitment. Here the words I said to myself time and time again: “Just keep going.”
So to all of you who are just starting out, just keep going. I promise you, you can overcome, you can recover, and you can find peace.
That’s an interesting article BBE, and I would think it would make sense as well (from what we already know about psychopaths).
The mention of the thinking a woman is preg when she is not is something that happened to me once….and I have now decided that UNLESS I SEE A BABY’S HEAD EMERGING FROM BETWEEN THEIR LEGS I WILL **ALWAYS** ASSUME A WOMAN IS **NOT** EXPECTING– unless SHE says something about being preg.
The public flatulence is also something I think many if not all of us have experienced at one time or another. I could also name some other instances of being very embarrassed. I do think that it is difficult for me to distinguish between “embarrassment” and “shame” though, where does one stop and the other begin? I sort of always thought of “embarrassment” as sort of “mini-shame.”
Ox;
I had the opposite thing once happen and I was mortified. I sat down in the lunch room at work and joined a conversation late. This one woman was talking about how this was her last day and she was going to be out for a couple of months.
I politely asked if everything was OK and she told me it was maternity leave. She was a very, very large woman and I had no idea she was pregnant…
Zim- thanks for sharing. I had never heard of Kim rickey before but loved it!! Just what was needed tonight. Couldn’t open first link but will u tube pavement cracks! Thank you honey!
Bbe- very interesting article! Thank you!!
Zim and others,
I know this sounds silly but I believe music can be a wonderful healing tool.
I want to create a cd of “healing songs”. There are of course the basics”I will survive” ect., but as we all come from different places and are of all ages I would love any suggestions to songs that have affected or touched you… As they may not only touch me but others as well. Techno, country, Latin.. It’s all good.
If anything hits you as powerful please share… If not today, tomorrow or next week. Sometimes the right song on the right day can be so powerful, and enlightening if it’s something you’re not used to or have never heard before.
Lol… Inspiration and healing can take place in the strangest ways…even if it sounds like an angel is singing your song. 🙂
Good night all… And god bless.. May tomorrow be better. One day at a time..this shit can’t last forever.
Dear Coping,
I agree that music helps to heal the soul. This cracks me up: this shit can’t last forever. LOL Let’s celebrate it’s demise shall we?
Coping one year for Christmas son D and I made a “leaving your lover” CD for my son C after his wife went to jail for trying to kill him. We started out with “50 ways to leave your lover” and “thank God and Greyhound she’s gone” and “these boots are made for walking” and I can’t remember all the others, but we played it for him and I thought he never would stop laughing. He was HOWLING with laughter! So you can have several different CDs with THEMES.
Panther
I was where you are not long ago. It is a process we have to go through to get as strong as oxy and the others. We go through many different feelings and emotions at first. Some of these emotions you did not think you had them in you.You feel angry hurt disappointed confused empty just for starters. You can not believe you were so blind for so many years you think you can fix things but you can not. Sociopaths do not communicate or reason they just control. You love these people and realize there love for you never excited you were used. It is very hard to comes to terms with this easily because admitting that you were that far wrong about some one you loved. You know and realize how quickly you would have forgiven then and did forgive them over and over again,yet the spath is not even willing to compromise or communicate with you unless you completely let them have there way and control you and everyone around you. They are all right about no contact it is the best.I think there will always be some involvement with me because of my grandchildren but do intend not to say anymore than I have to. It took me a long well to get this far and still I am not as strong as some of the people on this site.
Distressed Grandmother,
I haven’t seen you much lately, but I think of you sometimes.
You have one of the most heartbreaking situations, because you are watching your grandkids suffer and your hands are tied. Anything you do will just aggravate the situation, at this point. So it’s good to hear that you are understanding what you can and cannot control. If you take really, really good care of yourself and focus on your own growth, you can be there for your gkids when the time is right.
I had to deal with my parents today. It’s a bit better than it was. Not because they have changed but because I have accepted what they are. It is so apparent now.
My N-dad had gone outside. My psychopath mother says, “Now that I know what psychopaths are, I see that they are everywhere!” So then we start to have a conversation about spaths. I’m explaining to her that they feel nothing, no emotions or empathy and she starts projecting about my dad. She often does this if he’s not around when I start describing spath-traits (most of which she has). She said, “I’m worried about your father. I’m noticing that he really likes to watch the violence on the news. I will watch the news, but not the violence. But he seems to really ENJOY the most violent news….blah, blah, blah.” Basically accusing my father of being a spath.
The psychopath mask includes pointing fingers and scapegoating the nearest narcissist. Poor dad, he is her favorite supply. He crys and hugs me when I leave, even though I don’t hug him back. Mother just says, “God be with you.”
Skyler
It is great that you can do that and I hope one day I will be able to do that with my daughter. I have excepted that my daughter is who she is and I can not change that. I still have a hard time excepting that a mother can not protect there children yet thinks she is the best mother in the world. I always thought no matter what she would protect her children but instead goes along with it all. I can except who she is but still have not been able to except what she does. I am learning just to keep my big mouth shut that if I haven’t taught her anything by now it is time to give up. I am tired of hurting ,crying and trying to get her to understand. All I accomplished is more drama. No more drama for me because I have seen the light and will avoid it like the plague. I do understand how you feel about your mom and dad but I also know we can pick and chose our friends but our family is ours no matter what.It is also OK to love your family but it is also OK not to like what they do but except it and move on. I am sure God is with you, But one must pray God is with them because they may not realize it but they are the ones that need all the help and forgiveness they can get.
Distressed Grandmother,
It is a situation that is hard to describe but I can tell you that once I accepted what they are, I got my power back.
I won’t deny that the tears come to my eyes, but I don’t let them see them. I gray rock like there’s no tomorrow. I express ZERO EMOTION. Not even when my cats died at their house.
Accepting what they are comes AFTER you accept what they did. It is only by accepting the fact that they are capable of evil and that they have perpetrated evil and that they will continue to perpetrate evil in the future, then you are free to label them and feel no fear.
With my parents, it is so difficult because they are model citizens. Perfect facade. The pinnacle of success, hard working, long suffering, praying catholics.
It’s like being the daughter of a couple of saints who are actually filled with evil. cog/dis is so hard, until you finally let go of the illusions.