Last week, I posted Letters to Lovefraud: Who we used to be, written by the reader who posts as “Panther.” She called herself a “new survivor,” having just left the sociopath and gone “No Contact” less than a month ago. She wrote:
Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this.
To Panther and other Lovefraud newbies: The only difference between you and the veterans is time. We’ve been on the healing journey longer than you have.
I left my sociopathic ex-husband in February of 1999. That was more than 12 years ago! I’ll tell you what I was like when the wounds were raw. Here’s what I wrote on page 287 of my book, Love Fraud How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. In this part, I’m describing my state of mind, and state of being, when I discovered the treachery of my ex-husband:
James Montgomery proclaimed his love to me—just as he had proclaimed his love to 20 or 30 other women who had discretionary income and access to credit. I was just another pawn in a long line of women who heard the words “I love you” and believed them.
Why had this happened to me? All I ever wanted was what everyone wants—companionship, happiness, love. I was a good, considerate person. I worked hard. I treated people fairly. I did not deserve to be so exploited.
I paced up and down the hallway, my thoughts tumbling over each other, building into a mountain of pain and confusion. I leaned my back against the wall and slid to the floor, talking to myself. I felt like I should cry, but I could not. My dog, Beau, worriedly licked my face.
I was angry. I was outraged. Yet all I felt was numbness. I decided to call my therapist, Elaine Anderson. Luckily, she was available to do a session with me right then, over the phone.
I lay on the bed in my spare room, the meditation room, and told Elaine what I had found in James’ papers: Correspondence to his business associates that was full of lies. Letters from women asking for their money back. Stock certificates made out to many of these women. Proof that the corporation issuing the stock certificates was defunct.
The dam within me began to crack, and then it burst. I cried. I groaned. I choked. Emotional pain rose from deep within me to the surface of my awareness, like pus rising from a deep infection. Painful energy traveled to various parts of my body—my hands, my eyes, my heart. My hands clenched. I struggled to breathe.
I don’t know how long it went on. But slowly, the pain dissipated.
That was the beginning of my journey to recovery. I spent many, many hours curled up on the floor, crying. I also spent many hours envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow and pounding it with my fists, pounding until I collapsed. I spent many hours with my therapist, coaxing the anger and bitterness out of my emotions and out of my soul.
The betrayal of the sociopath creates deep, deep pools of pain and disappointment within us. To recover and regain ourselves, we have to drain those pools. It takes time.
And then, as we drain them, we find more pain and disappointment in the pools, left over from injuries that we experienced before the sociopath. In fact, it was those injuries that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Those emotions must also be drained.
Healing doesn’t just happen—we have to make a conscious decision to face all of the negativity head on. If we don’t make the decision to heal, if we just try to put the experience of the sociopath behind us without dealing with the pain—well, then it was all a waste, we didn’t learn anything, and we’re likely to repeat it by finding another sociopath.
Recovery is possible, but it takes time and commitment. Here the words I said to myself time and time again: “Just keep going.”
So to all of you who are just starting out, just keep going. I promise you, you can overcome, you can recover, and you can find peace.
Hello everyone!
I’ve been struggling for 2 years to recover from my marriage to a sociopath. I wanted recovery so badly but couldn’t find the way past all of the destruction. I would have brief moments of optimism, but they were short-lived. As a self-proclaimed queen of ineffective coping, I stumbled around in a pit of bad choices … drinking, smoking, avoiding responsibility … just making circles in the mud pit of despair.
I really don’t know what happened this week. Suddenly I was tired of feeling tired. I was tired of feeling hopeless. I was tired of feeling overwhelmed. I was tired of being in the pit.
I started reading the posts about recovery on LoveFraud again. I started listening to music that has optimistic and empowering lyrics … like “Firework” by Katy Perry. Here are the lyrics. Can you relate?
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep, six feet under, scream but no one seems to hear a thing?
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you? Cause there’s a spark in you!
You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine! Just own the night, like the Fourth of July!
Cause baby you’re a firework! Come on show ’em what your worth!
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!”, as you shoot across the sky-y-y!
Baby you’re a firework! Come on let your colors burst!
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!” You’re gonna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space. You’re original, cannot be replaced!
If you only knew what the future holds, after a hurricane comes a rainbow!
Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow, and when it’s time, you’ll know you just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine! Just own the night, like the Fourth of July!
Cause baby you’re a firework! Come on show ’em what your worth!
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!” as you shoot across the sky-y-y!
Baby you’re a firework! Come on let your colors burst!
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!” You’re gonna leave ’em fallin’ down-own-own!
Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon!
It’s always been inside of you, you, you! And now it’s time to let it through!
Cause baby you’re a firework! Come on show ’em what your worth!
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!” As you shoot across the sky-y-y!
Baby you’re a firework! Come on let your colors burst!
Make ’em go “Oh, oh, oh!” You’re gonna leave ’em goin “Oh, oh, oh!”
Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon!
Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon!”
Anyway … I am listening to this song over and over again, trying to focus on recovery and remembering who/what I was before the sociopath came into my life.
Cross your fingers that I make it out this time! Thanks for listening.
“Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” G. K. Chesterton
Thanks for sharing. Those lyrics represent exactly how I feel. I still have a spark in me. Not only to make my life better but that of others as well.
Too Late: Thank you. Love listening to the song but reading the lyrics brings it home.
Hi Donna,
It has been more than 1 year of living expath for good, and 5 months since divorce. I used ot come on this site a lot and it has helped me a lot, but then stopped, because thought I need to get away from negativity and try to live a normal life.
But today I am here again, because, though I am living a normal life, I have sleep full of dreams, disturbing dreams, and I wake up cranky, doc is testing me for sleep apnea, but I think it is obssesive thoughts I have about exspath in my unconcious mind, and I try very hard not to think about him, but every thing goes on in life takes my mind there, I try to pull my mind back, it is very tiring job.
An I damage forever?? It scares me, people who see me, think I have moved on and am happy, people convince me, I am better without him, I know I am, but this intense sick attachement I have with his memory is killing me. He put his add in online metromonial site and calling himself a “widower”, showing his big salary, the money he didn’t want to share with his wife and wanted divorce to protect his money.
What kind of person I was married to, and why am I alone even though I was a good wife??? All these things go through my mind, even now, people say learn not to think about it…. But betrayal is so big that wound seem to be very raw still……
Any suggestion will be highly appreciated.
.
Thanks Constantine
You are right, and I didn’t look for his ad, one of girlfriend and she send me the email asking, is this your ex, since he put all hsi creadital correctly. Otherwise I would nto have found out about it.
Yes it made me feel worse, but it was ntounexpected, he has done similar stuff before….
It is just a confrimation and what a big fool I was to fall in trap of a professional.
My delima includes everything, feeling sorry for myself, not being able to share my feeling with friends and family.
But on the other side there are many good things are happening in my life, which were not there before.
My mind compares these differences as well, I want to stop comparing then verses now, Now is my reality. I need to have more patience. I need try to change things, instead of thinking about past, it is easier said then done, but only I can make a change, nobody else can for me. Thanks again
I am glad I came back here, after a while we always need a new dose of reality check. I know being here, many times feel like we are disecting the person, whom we should just forget and move on, but in the process of analysis, we end up remembering the pain they cuased us more.
Thanks for this site.
My comments keep disappearing. :O0
Aloha, let donna know. there have been ongoing issues with the blog, and she needs our feedback when things go awry.
Dear My heart,
I”m glad you are back too….and if people try to give you information about him, just politely say “I’d really rather not know anything about him.”
You CAN come here and talk about your feelings and anything you have to process because we DO UNDERSTAND what it is like to have been betrayed.
It take TIME and work to truly “move on” that is more than just an ordinary “break up” but not everyone understands what it is like, that it is a DIFFERENT kind of “break up” when you are BETRAYED.
The journey to healing starts out about THEM, but becomes about US. So learn about yourself. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Welcome HOME!