Last week, I posted Letters to Lovefraud: Who we used to be, written by the reader who posts as “Panther.” She called herself a “new survivor,” having just left the sociopath and gone “No Contact” less than a month ago. She wrote:
Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this.
To Panther and other Lovefraud newbies: The only difference between you and the veterans is time. We’ve been on the healing journey longer than you have.
I left my sociopathic ex-husband in February of 1999. That was more than 12 years ago! I’ll tell you what I was like when the wounds were raw. Here’s what I wrote on page 287 of my book, Love Fraud How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. In this part, I’m describing my state of mind, and state of being, when I discovered the treachery of my ex-husband:
James Montgomery proclaimed his love to me—just as he had proclaimed his love to 20 or 30 other women who had discretionary income and access to credit. I was just another pawn in a long line of women who heard the words “I love you” and believed them.
Why had this happened to me? All I ever wanted was what everyone wants—companionship, happiness, love. I was a good, considerate person. I worked hard. I treated people fairly. I did not deserve to be so exploited.
I paced up and down the hallway, my thoughts tumbling over each other, building into a mountain of pain and confusion. I leaned my back against the wall and slid to the floor, talking to myself. I felt like I should cry, but I could not. My dog, Beau, worriedly licked my face.
I was angry. I was outraged. Yet all I felt was numbness. I decided to call my therapist, Elaine Anderson. Luckily, she was available to do a session with me right then, over the phone.
I lay on the bed in my spare room, the meditation room, and told Elaine what I had found in James’ papers: Correspondence to his business associates that was full of lies. Letters from women asking for their money back. Stock certificates made out to many of these women. Proof that the corporation issuing the stock certificates was defunct.
The dam within me began to crack, and then it burst. I cried. I groaned. I choked. Emotional pain rose from deep within me to the surface of my awareness, like pus rising from a deep infection. Painful energy traveled to various parts of my body—my hands, my eyes, my heart. My hands clenched. I struggled to breathe.
I don’t know how long it went on. But slowly, the pain dissipated.
That was the beginning of my journey to recovery. I spent many, many hours curled up on the floor, crying. I also spent many hours envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow and pounding it with my fists, pounding until I collapsed. I spent many hours with my therapist, coaxing the anger and bitterness out of my emotions and out of my soul.
The betrayal of the sociopath creates deep, deep pools of pain and disappointment within us. To recover and regain ourselves, we have to drain those pools. It takes time.
And then, as we drain them, we find more pain and disappointment in the pools, left over from injuries that we experienced before the sociopath. In fact, it was those injuries that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Those emotions must also be drained.
Healing doesn’t just happen—we have to make a conscious decision to face all of the negativity head on. If we don’t make the decision to heal, if we just try to put the experience of the sociopath behind us without dealing with the pain—well, then it was all a waste, we didn’t learn anything, and we’re likely to repeat it by finding another sociopath.
Recovery is possible, but it takes time and commitment. Here the words I said to myself time and time again: “Just keep going.”
So to all of you who are just starting out, just keep going. I promise you, you can overcome, you can recover, and you can find peace.
Thanks OX,
Yes Knowledge is Power, this is my mantra. I would like to know how do I go beyond daily routine and truly feel in peace. See I love married life, when I look around all my freinds and family members are married, good or bad but are married.
Wehn I met exspath, I shared this my internal desire, and he fed on that, and feuled it with more romantic and colorful furture life.
I took a big chance marrying him, made whole against it, and I was dropped from sky to ground. Yes I know I was fortunate to get out of relationship in time, but what will happen to my single life, I am in late 40’s. I doubt everybody and actually came to a point I don’t even want any relationship….
It hurts to get my dream break in such a awful way. We live locally, I am so scared to bump in to him. I have restricted my life to basically close freinds. I don’t want to go to concert or any other thing I enjoyed, fear to run in to exspath.
So even thought I am trying to stay away from his thoughts, I am constantly thinking about him one way or other…..
How do you stop this, so he can become a bad dream from my past…..
My neighbor’s party was yesterday. I went and it was fine! Here I had made-up all these stories in my head…what if Jim does this or that. It was all stress over nothing.
Cause Jim acted like he was afraid to be within feet of me.
I was coming out of the bathroom as he was entering the house to use the potty. He looked so uncertain. He didn’t look at me. His hands were grasping at air, like he didn’t know where to look or how to act. I really enjoyed the moment and I got pretty bold as I casually said hi as I quickly walked away.
I saw his uncertainty for the first time.
He really didn’t know how to act when he doesn’t have the power and control.
He is powerless when he has to be one of the common people.
I know I am saying the same thing in different ways, but I was floored; even though at the time the whiskey make it easy for me to feel sly.
Wow, the bully really is a patsy.
I feel so empowered.
The bully is a patsy. Remember this!
I have my story on he will not let me go.
I still find it very hard to get on with my every day living, my friends are feed up with listening to me, my mother says she has had enough its time to move on. I feel I have no one to talk to. My friend that I care for 4 days a week, sees the mess that Im in, so he did a most stupeid thing and sms him that he should get in touch with me, as she is in a mess and needs you. I couldnt go mad with him as he is old, but told him before I had got on top of him(my spath) by letting the woman he is with now, (after we had been seening each other again behind her back, me being told that never say never, he will see what he could do). Then he went and moved in with her.Of course he went off his head, cos I explained to her he is onlr after your money, he has a pokie problem. Any how, I felt quite good ontil my old friend did that, I say quite good, but was still crying all the time. He of course will think I put him up to it, and now will be laughing, he is on top again,So I decided to write him a letter. I told him I know why you borrowed $500 for your car repairs, why you had no xmas presents for your children, and your Grandkids, why, you had no food, why you couldnt even afford haircuts, socks, and underwear, and why you after one year asked for the engagement ring back, and why your with the money tree down your drive way. Its because you work so hard and as soon as you can your down the pokies putting every dollar in there that you can. You have changed from the man I meet. I cannot be with you, it will never work, unless you are willing to change and get help. I do understand as I use to be there myself, its were I meet him, ( I hate those machines now). That is why I cry, and will cry, and cry till I cry no more. It took him 4 days to reply, first pretending he didnt get the letter, he said so your frind called what do you want? I replyed nothing that was a stupied mistake on my frineds behalf it shouldnt have happened, he just replyed o.k. . Next day was very different, he told me I live in a dream world, and that I am the lier and I know it. To leave him alone. I did reply, Your the one living in the dream world, the cheat, lier, gambler, and the addictions, and is so f###ed up and you know it. You have to grow up, you hurt people so much, but you dont care. One day you will when you have nothing. It will be slow as you have your money tree down the drive way, you didnt even like her, from day one, and that I got from friends we both used to know. you have used her from day one. One day she will feel the same, and try and get away from her, as she only lives down the drive way.Truth hurts!! When we stopped seeing each other and he moved in totaly with her, he was driving a different way home, and totally just didnt want to even say its over, he if he seen me would drive down another street ( we only live up the road to each other) its been now only about a week and a half, I normally walk my dog at 4pm, so now I walk my dog at around 12 lunch time, and gess who drove down my street, he is not taking that different way home anymore. You all know you walk a straight line but you can still see them in the courner of your eye, he took his arm off the window of his door, driving one handed, ontill he passed me. He was having a great look.
Now for the truth of it all. I was a real great woman to him, never did any thing to him nasty till writing to her. I loved him with all my heart, and hate to say it I still do. But I do know in my heart, one I cannot ever be with him unless he is with no one, and 2 he really does need to get help. And the biggest one is that if I can ever get over him, ( the crying, the pain in the body, being sick, losing weight, night mares, the betrayal, ) I never want to ever go through that ever ever again, I even tryed to kill myself, you ladys understand me, but others dont. Its not like we had an argument, or feel out of love, it was, as I belive, he feel in love with the pokies, loves them more than his own kids. I will cry and cry and what ever till I cry no more. He hasnt called since. I think I hit a raw note. But he will come looking, he cannot help him self. I wish he could. You think am stupied dont you.
The other thing that hurts me, you know I have bad hips, back and neck, every day is a struggle for me to keep walking, I push my self, Im afraid that when I am over him, I will be in a wheel chair, and that really makes me cry, how could he have ever done this to me. I have to have operations every 5-7 years and they take 2 years to get over. I m scared that no one will want me when I cannot walk. Thats when he will be laughing at me. God give me the strenth to stay on these legs for my life time! Im down just about every day, but I will never ever have him again, not like this.
((((((((((BBE)))))))))))
Come here, so I can give you a loving hug. Yes, you sound very raw and hurt. No wonder with what you’re going through and have been going through.
It will take time, but you will at some point come to see that it’s better to be alone than with that man.
Please read as much as you can in here, especially about spaths; how they are, and why they are as they are, and why they will never change. The more you inform yourself about this heartless creature, the more it will set you free from desire and wishes for the future that will never be.
A spath cannot be cured because he has no intrinsic beliefs and motivations to change. They believe themselves superior and everyone else a tool and toy for their own plans and pleasure. A spath’s pleasure isn’t our pleasure either. They live day in and out with just shallow emotions, and most of those are negative. They have no rich inner life. So they need daily distractions from this utter daily boredom: that’s why they play with people’s feelings, that’s why they gamble and do drugs. It entertains them.
Therapy cannot help them. Therapy only works for those who have the ability to see that they are in the wrong place in their lives, that something is wrong with them. A spath does not believe something’s wrong with them, because they lack any moral compass. They are right, and everybody else is wrong.
And if they do go to therapy it will be for ulterior motives. If they appear to “change their ways” they do it because it benefits them in a practical way.
No, you’re not stupid. You are trauma bonded to this man. He has made you addicted to him, so that you are left with the idea that you cannot live without him. We have all gone through this. They get you physically and hormonally addicted to them, by the lovebombing, where they shower you with what appears to be love all the time, as well as sex. Both the lovebombing and sex releases hormones into your brain, that makes you feel happy and bond with the man. The truth is that you get a flash flood of these hormones. In a normally developing relationship you would never be exposed as much and as often to these hormones. So, your brain that has been flooded beyond the normal with these cuddly feeling hormones will seek out the sole one who can keep the brain flooded with the hormones. That is why your mind will wander back to “what ifs”, and happy memories with him, ignoring the excess of hurt he has caused you.
You will have to actively counter this hormone addiction. The first step is to break all contact with him. Go total no contact. You can’t make him see the light. Nothing you ever do or say can make him see what he did, what he lost. You only feed his ego by communicating with him (whether you communicate angry, righteous, hurt, …). And you only give him ammunition to hurt you even more than he already has. And contact will feed your brain’s desire for the cuddly hormones. So, there is no point in having any type of contact with him.
Next, you will have to break all those associations within your mind that he is the sole person who can make you truly happy. You can do this in several ways:
1) make a list of all the bad things he has done to you, how hurt he made you feel. And whenever you miss him, look at that list and remind yourself that you do not miss the anguish over how he gambled his money away, on leaving you hanging whether there was any future with him, on playing you against another woman, by hurting your pride by making you compete over him with someone else, … And then ask yourself whether you trully miss all that crap.
2) Whenever you have thoughts of missing him or “what if” moments, go look for happy memories with actual good people who made you feel good, and better even, moments of pure joy and happiness when you were alone (it might be something you witness in nature per chance, something beautiful), and remind yourself that you have known happy moments in your life without him.
These two mind tactics are powerful strategies to break the bond, and it will get easier over time.
Also, I suggest to seek counseling with someone specialised in trauma bonding to people of the dark tryad (narcists, spaths, …) The first hurdle to take is to break the bond. Once that starts to happen, you will discover that you have been deeply traumatized in a way that if affects all of your life, not just your love life, and you may need help with that.
Hang in there, and come here for support, to wean yourself off him.
darwinsmom;
I kept firm with my physical NC but in August I was in a period of extreme stress and depression and violated “virtual” NC by looking at his FB page and the tweets of a friend of his who is a very active tweeter. I was like a year of progress thrown out the window.
I do have a counselor that I see again twice per month. I am not sure my counselor understands sociopathy but certainly views my x-spath as extremely fucked up, with some kind of Cluster-B personality disorder. My counselor thinks my continued longing for the x-spath is due to a lack of meaningful friendships and having too much time to dwell and has me concentrating on getting back to work and having a full social life.
Thanks for you advice. You are very much spot-on and frank, much like OxDrover.
It’s hard not to vent your anger at them. The first weeks I was filled with a constant range, and no outlet. In my mind I’ve flung my plates a 1000 times to his head. I’m an extravert… I need to vent somehow. Meanwhile I had had a knee operation, so it wasn’t as if I could go running around the block to let off steam. But the mental plate flinging seemed to have worked. I do say he’s a total jerk when people bring him up, but I say it calmly and don’t feel emotional. It’s a fact that he’s a total jerk.
I have virtually come across unwanted information. I know it implies he’s either married or probably marrying the OW. And for a few minutes I felt the rage come again. But then I asked myself, “So, do you really believe him to be a fine person now, and that you were the wrong person for him, and she’s the right one? Do you truly believe she’s happy?”
And the only answer I had for myself was that I’m 100% sure he hasn’t changed one ioata and abusing her as much as he abused me. I know that she’s lying awake till the wee hours for him to come home. That he’ll probably does come home just as she fell asleep, and then says something along hte line, “Be back in 10 mins,” and then stays out again. Or that he picks a fight. That he’s doped on weed all the time. That she hates it that he never knows when enough is enough, with the drinking and going out. That she is watchful of her stuff, which he either breaks or loses or steals. That she’s stressed out because she never knows what will happen the next day. That she’s worried about her own financial situation, while he recognizes no budget. That she probably already had to deal with cops because he was involved in some fight on the streets.
Then I think she’s going through all that, and I feel relieved. As long as he doesn’t come to ruin my life, I’m happy. If she wants to live on fruitless hope, then that’s her choice, and I can’t be angry over that, let alone jealous. Can’t feel pity for her either. She was warned by me and other exes regarding him.
At the moment, I’ve got little to be relieved about in my life, but I’m damn well relieved he ain’t in the picuture.
Darwin’s mom,
Good advice to BBE! Since his X probably had HIV+ status, it was good he did NOT have sex with that man—he dodged a bullet there, so does have much to be grateful for.
Counting our blessings, starting with clean water to drink, enough food (in my case more than enough!) and so on, even the BASIC things that we tend to take for granted, I think helps us to focus on what we DO have that 2/3 of the people on this earth do NOT have!
I am forever telling people to read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Dr. Viktor Frankl who wrote it after his years in a Nazi prison camp…yet he still found MEANING in life even after he had lost everything except his very life and his education. I figure if he can find meaning after that, then I sure can find meaning with all the wonderful blessings that I still have.
I spent months sitting in my recreational vehicle after I had to flee my home for my safety, after all my family but my adopted son had turned on me to force me out of my home, and the try to bankrupt me, and even kill me, but realistically I still had and have MANY MANY BLESSINGS. I’m back in my home now for the time being but know that if my P son gets out of prison (with my egg donor’s help) that I will again have to flee, but I am not going to let that hang over my head like a sword of despair.
The Bible tells us not to worry about tomorrow, that each day has enough grief of its own to think about, so just take things ONE DAY AT A TIME…and I’m doing my best to take that advice.
You’ll get things sorted out with your employment, and with your depression, I can hear the strength in your posts. Thank you for sharing that strength here at LoveFraud. Not feeling “alone” was the thing I think that helped me the most to start my own recovery. Which is an ON-GOING PROCESS, not some “point” that you reach and then it is “done.” It is a GROWTH PROCESS called “life.”
May I make an observation? I think when darwinsmom was addressing BBE, she meant blondeblueeyes, not behind blue eyes…am I correct? Blondeblueeyes had posted above darwinsmom so I assumed darwinsmom was addressing her and not the male BBE.
Louise, you are right I think! Thanks for pointing that out. A bit of confusion there on my part. With the initials BBE standing for both BBE and BBE (smile) I didn’t read up above far enough.