Last week, I posted Letters to Lovefraud: Who we used to be, written by the reader who posts as “Panther.” She called herself a “new survivor,” having just left the sociopath and gone “No Contact” less than a month ago. She wrote:
Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this.
To Panther and other Lovefraud newbies: The only difference between you and the veterans is time. We’ve been on the healing journey longer than you have.
I left my sociopathic ex-husband in February of 1999. That was more than 12 years ago! I’ll tell you what I was like when the wounds were raw. Here’s what I wrote on page 287 of my book, Love Fraud How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. In this part, I’m describing my state of mind, and state of being, when I discovered the treachery of my ex-husband:
James Montgomery proclaimed his love to me—just as he had proclaimed his love to 20 or 30 other women who had discretionary income and access to credit. I was just another pawn in a long line of women who heard the words “I love you” and believed them.
Why had this happened to me? All I ever wanted was what everyone wants—companionship, happiness, love. I was a good, considerate person. I worked hard. I treated people fairly. I did not deserve to be so exploited.
I paced up and down the hallway, my thoughts tumbling over each other, building into a mountain of pain and confusion. I leaned my back against the wall and slid to the floor, talking to myself. I felt like I should cry, but I could not. My dog, Beau, worriedly licked my face.
I was angry. I was outraged. Yet all I felt was numbness. I decided to call my therapist, Elaine Anderson. Luckily, she was available to do a session with me right then, over the phone.
I lay on the bed in my spare room, the meditation room, and told Elaine what I had found in James’ papers: Correspondence to his business associates that was full of lies. Letters from women asking for their money back. Stock certificates made out to many of these women. Proof that the corporation issuing the stock certificates was defunct.
The dam within me began to crack, and then it burst. I cried. I groaned. I choked. Emotional pain rose from deep within me to the surface of my awareness, like pus rising from a deep infection. Painful energy traveled to various parts of my body—my hands, my eyes, my heart. My hands clenched. I struggled to breathe.
I don’t know how long it went on. But slowly, the pain dissipated.
That was the beginning of my journey to recovery. I spent many, many hours curled up on the floor, crying. I also spent many hours envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow and pounding it with my fists, pounding until I collapsed. I spent many hours with my therapist, coaxing the anger and bitterness out of my emotions and out of my soul.
The betrayal of the sociopath creates deep, deep pools of pain and disappointment within us. To recover and regain ourselves, we have to drain those pools. It takes time.
And then, as we drain them, we find more pain and disappointment in the pools, left over from injuries that we experienced before the sociopath. In fact, it was those injuries that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Those emotions must also be drained.
Healing doesn’t just happen—we have to make a conscious decision to face all of the negativity head on. If we don’t make the decision to heal, if we just try to put the experience of the sociopath behind us without dealing with the pain—well, then it was all a waste, we didn’t learn anything, and we’re likely to repeat it by finding another sociopath.
Recovery is possible, but it takes time and commitment. Here the words I said to myself time and time again: “Just keep going.”
So to all of you who are just starting out, just keep going. I promise you, you can overcome, you can recover, and you can find peace.
Ox;
You are right! However, some of he stuff is applicable!
Oxy and BBE:
That’s OK…I was just wondering if maybe the male BBE was a little confused by darwinsmom’s answer, but I could see how some of the advice could also apply to BBE or to any of us for that matter! 🙂
Euhm… now I’m the one getting confused… LOL!
Yes, I originally answered blondblueeyes 😉 Can’t find the other thread anymore to ceck … but I believe that this afternoon, on two threads I replied to blondblueeyes.
ETA: just managed to check the other thread (the predator stare revisited thread): yup I was twice replying to Blondblueeyes, who based on what I read had a relationship with a spath, it ended. The spath started a new relationship with another woman in the neighbourhood, then he reeled her back in, and blondblueeyes got involved for another 8 months. And now he dropped her again. The break up seemed very fresh, and she seemed a new visitor.
I got all confused when Behind Blue Eyes started to say he was a he, because Blondblueeyes, definitely mentioned “she” 😉 No more acronyms for me :p
Louise;
I was actually confused but I thought that was me, lol.
However, since some of darwinsmom’s comments were strikingly accurate to my experience, they underscore the nature of a sociopathic relationship.
darwinsmom:
Haha! Too funny! Glad it is all cleared up now.
BBE:
I thought you may have been kind of confused that is why I put that observation out there.
I hope you are doing OK.
Louise;
Actually a bit better now that summer is over thanks. You?
Folks, can somebody please tell me what “Grey Rock” means? I’ve seen it on LF many, many times and cannot figure it out.
I try to check out the new blogs at least daily. I am finding so much support and inspiration on this site. I don’t get to interact much, because I’m usually logging on at the end of my work day before I pick up my baby at daycare, but I feel “at home” here. Everyone here either “gets it” or is coming here to figure it out. My friends mean well, but they don’t “get it.”
I’ve finished “The Sociopath Next Door,” by Martha Stout and “Getting it Through My Thick Skull” by Mary Jo Buttafuoco. I’ve just started to read “Lovefraud,” Donna Andersen’s book. I try to read as much as I can with an active ten month old. She just starting standing up, so I know walking is right around the corner. I ordered “Just Like His Father” and it should ship soon. I have my concern over this child’s well being and healthy development at the very center of my being. I would do anything to give her a good life, with the proof being kicking the spath to the curb and going NO CONTACT for the past several months. This includes all of his family as well. It’s tough, I have little support and am isolated where I live, but I know it is the best thing for both my child and myself.
My spath is getting out of prison in a few weeks. I have a one year protective order, but the family court order supercedes it and he is allowed to visit my daughter (supervised by a a state agency at his cost…God, I hope that will be a huge deterrant for him!) after she turns one year old. The custody order does not state clearly how I am required to keep in contact with him regarding her. When discussing it with the judge, I told her he was unable to communicate with me without abusing me, that I wish it were different, but it’s just not. She said “I see.” She left that part of the court order blank, so it’s likely open to debate if he decides to push it. I hope he just disappears, but from what I read on here, that doesn’t seem likely. He may see this as a huge challege he would like to defeat me in.
I’m trying my best to educate myself and move forward with my daughter. I’ve recovered well enough from a surgery I had in August that I have been able to exercise again, and I find that in itself very healing for me personally. I was always a runner, though I rarely ran the entire 2 1/2 years that my parasitic ex-spath drained the life out of me. I’m really starting to feel good again…except for the obession that strikes, mostly at night or when I wake up in the middle of the night. Which is most nights. I obsess about figuring out the puzzle, putting the pieces together. I spent most of our relationship together in a dissociative state, I believe. The details were pretty fuzzy. I have been developing remarkable clarity and insight now that he is gone! But, the obsession and the anger are the major problems. Also, fears of how to navigate the future with him regarding my perfect little angel. I look into those sweet, innocent eyes and I know that he can do nothing but do harm in her life. I want to save her from that.
LPMarie13;
I really feel for you and those who not only suffered long-term abuse but have children and cannot completely cuts ties because of this.
Two thing that does not work with obsessive thinking is are alcohol and caffeine. OTHO, one supplement, N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC), has been shown in several studies to reduce obsessive thoughts and help with depression. Theanine may also help.
Both of these supplements work on the glutamate hyperactivity aspects of obsessive behavior. There may also be a noradrenaline aspect that can be effectively treated with exercise.
Marie,
You said you hope that the cost of court supervised visitation will be a deterrant to the spath. It may help. Additionally, gray rock can help tremendously.
Gray rock is a term we use that means we show no emotion at all. It means we don’t partake in drama, we don’t respond to provocation. It also means we don’t react either positively or negatively to the spaths and we don’t discuss what we value or want or hope or expect. In other words, we become so boring that the spath just slithers away.
You may have noticed that the spath likes to create drama in your life. That’s because spaths get bored very easily and they need drama to feel alive. It makes them feel important and “real”. If you don’t react, at first they will turn up the volume on the drama, but eventually we can train them to anticipate nothing but boredom from you.
Gray rock is the name I gave this “boring behavior” in order to illustrate what you need to be like. Gray rocks are everywhere, but you never notice them. They blend right into the landscape. I’ll bet you can’t remember the last gray rock you saw today. When you want to get rid of a spath, become a gray rock.
I know you love your child, but it’s particularly important that you don’t convey that attitude to your spath. When you are around the spath, behave as though the child is a burden or at best an afterthought. This is important because if you don’t, he will use the child to create drama and elicit emotions from you so he can feed on your emotions.
If, right out the starting gate, you behave as though your child is as important as a pair of shoes, he will look for another angle to focus on. NEVER EVER let a spath know what you value. Redirect his attention to something you don’t value.