Last week, I posted Letters to Lovefraud: Who we used to be, written by the reader who posts as “Panther.” She called herself a “new survivor,” having just left the sociopath and gone “No Contact” less than a month ago. She wrote:
Through reading various Lovefraud articles, I’ve realized that the veterans have so much invaluable advice to offer. However, at times I wonder how the voice of a survivor sounded right after the break. The reason this matters to me is because the veterans seem so much stronger than I feel right now. I cannot help but wonder, as I read through their wise words, if they have something I don’t have, which enabled them to get over this.
To Panther and other Lovefraud newbies: The only difference between you and the veterans is time. We’ve been on the healing journey longer than you have.
I left my sociopathic ex-husband in February of 1999. That was more than 12 years ago! I’ll tell you what I was like when the wounds were raw. Here’s what I wrote on page 287 of my book, Love Fraud How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan. In this part, I’m describing my state of mind, and state of being, when I discovered the treachery of my ex-husband:
James Montgomery proclaimed his love to me—just as he had proclaimed his love to 20 or 30 other women who had discretionary income and access to credit. I was just another pawn in a long line of women who heard the words “I love you” and believed them.
Why had this happened to me? All I ever wanted was what everyone wants—companionship, happiness, love. I was a good, considerate person. I worked hard. I treated people fairly. I did not deserve to be so exploited.
I paced up and down the hallway, my thoughts tumbling over each other, building into a mountain of pain and confusion. I leaned my back against the wall and slid to the floor, talking to myself. I felt like I should cry, but I could not. My dog, Beau, worriedly licked my face.
I was angry. I was outraged. Yet all I felt was numbness. I decided to call my therapist, Elaine Anderson. Luckily, she was available to do a session with me right then, over the phone.
I lay on the bed in my spare room, the meditation room, and told Elaine what I had found in James’ papers: Correspondence to his business associates that was full of lies. Letters from women asking for their money back. Stock certificates made out to many of these women. Proof that the corporation issuing the stock certificates was defunct.
The dam within me began to crack, and then it burst. I cried. I groaned. I choked. Emotional pain rose from deep within me to the surface of my awareness, like pus rising from a deep infection. Painful energy traveled to various parts of my body—my hands, my eyes, my heart. My hands clenched. I struggled to breathe.
I don’t know how long it went on. But slowly, the pain dissipated.
That was the beginning of my journey to recovery. I spent many, many hours curled up on the floor, crying. I also spent many hours envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow and pounding it with my fists, pounding until I collapsed. I spent many hours with my therapist, coaxing the anger and bitterness out of my emotions and out of my soul.
The betrayal of the sociopath creates deep, deep pools of pain and disappointment within us. To recover and regain ourselves, we have to drain those pools. It takes time.
And then, as we drain them, we find more pain and disappointment in the pools, left over from injuries that we experienced before the sociopath. In fact, it was those injuries that made us vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. Those emotions must also be drained.
Healing doesn’t just happen—we have to make a conscious decision to face all of the negativity head on. If we don’t make the decision to heal, if we just try to put the experience of the sociopath behind us without dealing with the pain—well, then it was all a waste, we didn’t learn anything, and we’re likely to repeat it by finding another sociopath.
Recovery is possible, but it takes time and commitment. Here the words I said to myself time and time again: “Just keep going.”
So to all of you who are just starting out, just keep going. I promise you, you can overcome, you can recover, and you can find peace.
LPMarie13
Grey rock is code to remind ourselves not to feed the spath. Spaths live on drama. No drama and they get bored and leave us in peace. So when you see an spath, rather than giving them what they want, be bland, gray, stonefaced, and boring. Then when they are no longer around, celebrate a wee victory jig for not letting them feed on your soul.
Marie, hopefully, he will not be able to afford the supervised visitation costs. If at all possible, have him only know how to contact you via your attorney, not your “address” or where you work. Also, there is a program called “family wizard” where all communication is via that site and RECORDED, time and date stamped….there’s an article here about it. YOu can have the court order that communication be via wizard so if he verbally abuses you, you have a record of it.
I would also be very careful if you are afraid he will be violent or if he has been violent with you in the past.
SAFETY FIRST. Good luck and God bless.
I would like to thank you, Darwinsmums for reading my two blogs yesterday, I know you read it and really felt ry my pain,and like I said you ladys, and a few men, only seam to know what Im going through. I am going to try the gray rock advice. Thankyou also to Oxy Drover, she is always there for me and just about everyone. Yesterday when I read your answers back I cryed and cryed, because I know your right, like I said I will cry till I cry no more, today this is the first cry I’m having as writing this to you, I got that sick last night, that I had to just talk myself into relaxing, may eyes were so sore, I couldnt cry anymore, belive it or not and I have never experenced that before. I have been feeling like my legs would give way, and telling myself I dont like feeling like this. never ever again will he have me, I never ever want to feel like this again.
listening to the t.v tonight, a woman 66 years old, lost her son a few years back, then lost her husband to cancer, she made friends with the baker man down the rd, she fell in love with him, 6 months that all it took him to take her money, and her to sell her house, and con her into giving him thousands. She may be lucky as she has found out were he is and is taking him to court. bloody hell, 66. I really feel for her.
You Oxy, I havent foynd out all your story yet, getting bits, you have gone through alot too. But you seam, well to me, like a strong team leader on this blog now. Love you all, gloria.xx
LPMarie,
I read your post and am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so difficult to raise a young child alone…trying to heal from the spath… let alone have a spath involved making it worse and more complicated. It’s additional fear and anxiety that simply seems unbearabe, especially when all you want is to love and protect your little one.
Gray rock..as Skylar says is the way to go. I realize it is easier said than done.
Hoepfully the cost of supervised visits will deter him. In my case they are free so my spath even gets a free ride on that one. He only gets 12 so I don’t know what the future holds so I can only pray he goes away after that. Sadly I do not think that is the case.
I have spent many long hours trying to peice together the puzzle as you put it. Sometimes doing that can only make you more confused. There is an article on here called he was a lie by ML Gallager…whenever I feel doubt I read and reread. I see clearly now of what he is…however that knowledge still makes me angry and makes things seem very unjust. It also does not take away the pain.
There is a great poster on here by the name of Milo…she has offered some great advise and I think she has had allot of experience….once these visits start…stay grey…and dont let anyone see you sweat!! Even your case worker. If your spath is charming well that can make things more difficult.
Keep posting…and remember you are not alone!!
LPMarie,
People on this site are great and really do get it. If you are in doubt and have a “freak out” moment…post before reacting. Reaction is just what they want. Stay Grey!!!
God bless!!
Blondblueeyes,
I hope that foremostly you go No Contact: no talking, no meeting, no watching, no looking him up on the internet… The less you know who he’s with, what he’s doing, and how he responds to you, the more you set yourself free, give yourself a chance to heal. The more he’s a non-entity to you, the more you can discover joys in your present life that are unrelated to him. There’s no shame in avoiding a destructive person.
The Grey Rock is what you do, when a spath contacts you in the hope to cause drama-rama, when you end up in a particular situation where you cannot avoid a spath. If he were to suddenly accost you for example.
Grey Rock is not a pride thing. It’s a strategy to be rid of a spath ASAP again, so that you can go No Contact again ASAP.
If you need to cry, then you cry. You’ve been betrayed and used. You have a right to cry.
Bloneblueeyes,
I too felt so “needy” and “lonely” after my husband died, like no one would ever again love me because I was now “old and fat and wrinkled” (boy, did I ever throw a PITY PARTY FOR MYSELF!) It is TRUE that there is not a long line of potential suitors lined up outside my door….but “needy and lonely” is only a STATE OF MIND not the number of suitors outside your door. It took me hooking up with a love-bombing psychopathic suitor to find that out.
I realized that Though I am “alone” (no male romantic companion) I need not feel “lonely” and though I am not in a relationship with a man, I need not feel “needy” or “unworthy” either.
I found that NO ONE can make me happy or fulfilled, it must come from without myself. My husbnad and I had a “great” relationship, but he DIED….he didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave me “alone” but he had NO CHOICE. No matter how many people love us, ultimately, our happiness and our contentment, our peace DEPENDS ON OURSELVES.
It is just a fact of human existence that if we DEPEND 100% on others for our peace and happiness then IT CAN BE TAKEN AWAY by death, divorce, sickness, or “life”—I read Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning” that he wrote about the emotional reactions to being in the Nazi death camps, where the people lost everything.
Some people just sat down and died, others fought back and maintained their faith and love of themselves, and still others became bitter and angry and ugly to others because of their pain.
We have choice in how we REACT to what happens to us in life, but we may not be able to change what actually HAPPENS to us. Sickness and disability, death etc. are not things we can control, they HAPPEN to the best of us, but we CAN CONTROL HOW WE REACT TO THOSE THINGS. How we let them effect us in our thinking and our hearts and minds.
I’m 7 years older now than I was when I lost my husband, I’m older and still fatter, got more wrinkles, and am not “involved” in a love relationship with a man, but I am CONTENT, HAPPY, love myself, and am at PEACE with myself and the world. I only worry about controlling myself and my reactions to what happens to me. I no longer endure abuse willingly, or associate with people who are abusive, and it is amazing what a difference that makes in my life.
LPMarie,
I am so glad that you are receiving support and inspiration from this site. When you find people who have been through what you are going through it indeed gives you a sense of power. I am impressed by the reading you are doing, it is understanding and education that helps us cope with whatever is next. Your commitment to your daughter is all that is important from this point on in your life and it sounds like that is just where you are coming from.
All the advice you have received from Oxy and Skylar is wise and comes with a lot of personal experience and best of all it WORKS. I believe Coping is dealing with almost identical circumstances right now, with a very young child also.
First, I want to warn you that supervised visitation with a state agency may be at his cost, but normally it is a sliding payment scale based on his income. In other words it may cost him next to nothing and they usually are not very current with collecting.
Second, as others have mentioned, he will not be interested in the child, he will be interested in using her as a pawn to make your life miserable. This is why Sky mentioned acting as if your daughter was a burden to you. This will be very hard to do, but if he sees he can not “get” to you by using the child, he may go away.
Third, Oxy mentioned “Family Wizard” – google it today, before you need it. It is a great tool when communicating with the other parent is not something that should be done. It has automatic documentation which is a MUST for you. DOCUMENT everything prior, during and after visitations take place. Seeing the judge left how you are to communicate out of the order, you may mention you want “Family Wizard” – sometimes courts order it. The cost is somewhere around $100/year.
Fourth, follow the visitation order to the letter. Arrive on time, don’t miss any appointments and treat the supervisory staff with respect. Don’t loose your cool – EVER, or you risk looking like the “hysterical mom” and may not be taken seriously. You want these people on your side, but you want them to discover this on their own.
Fifth, keep that No Contact with him and his family, no matter how hard it is. If there are times you are forced to communicate do exactly what has been suggested “Grey Rock” – it works.
I am sorry you are isolated, but understand you have now reached out to people that CARE and UNDERSTAND. Don’t worry about not having a lot of time to post, just read and learn, but we are here if you need us.
Go give that little angle a hug, everything is going to be fine.
darwinsmom says:
“I hope that foremostly you go No Contact: no talking, no meeting, no watching, no looking him up on the internet” The less you know who he’s with, what he’s doing, and how he responds to you, the more you set yourself free, give yourself a chance to heal. The more he’s a non-entity to you, the more you can discover joys in your present life that are unrelated to him.”
I cannot agree more. Even internet discoveries can set you back, as I learned the hard way. Twice.
I had a good session today with my therapist. She agreed, after I had made the decision then and there myself, that I should not do the “evaluation of tourleading” workshop coming weekend. I was supposed to do that in order to work on some stuff of things that went wrong last trip to Peru this summer. But together with the aftermath of the ex relationship with the spath, the loss of the job and the immense pressure and insecurity I felt in the Peru trip in response to one of my tourists, I have had too many blows in a short time span. My self confidence is on the rebuild, but on shaky ground. My feelings of insecurity for my mental and emotional safety in unsure circumstances are high.
So, a workshop where the analytical spotlight would be on me on what I did wrong and how I could do it right while tourleading puts the pressure right where I can use it the least. It’s led by other tourleaders. Heck I’ve coached such a workshop myself. So not by therapists. My issues at present go beyond tourleading. And I did it as a hobby anyway, for no wages, as a volunteer. Chances are, that with how I feel and respond at the moment, that the non-therapists would end up screwing me over while meaning well. I want to heal and get better. I don’t want to be hurt more than I already am. So, I’m not doing the workshop this weekend.
And my therapist agreed. Certainly after she learned that it weren’t professional therapists doing the scrutinizing. She said, “You’re like a wounded dog at the moment. And your priority is to crawl into your safety nest and lick your wounds. You need time.”
I also told her about my “instinctive” responses to the Peruvian I spent one night with. To that she said, “The situation triggered a total recall back into the situation with your ex. That’s not abnormal. It will occur again no doubt in some situations. It may be for a short while, it may be for a long time.” I replied. “Well, the guy was ok, but I clearly was not. And I recognized immediately from it, that I’m nowhere near any intimate encounters.”
She was very supportive of me studying and looking for apartments, affirming that doing stuff that gives me a new ong term future vision will do me a world of good.
I told her about my sceptical mental glasses when I look at people now, and she commented that I will need to learn to gradually trust people again, but also that my initial caution is perhaps a gain, instead of a loss.
I do think that i seem to have an overall aura that makes people think I’m weak. From Peru on I’ve had the craziest come ons. Guys either professing love and a connection to me within 10 mins of the conversation. And the past two times I went to my usual bar, some guys asked me whether I wanted to come home with them as the first thing they ever said to me. I end up asking them very directly: “Do I have a sign on my forehead that says ‘dumb’/’cheap’ or something?” I’ve had come ons before and flirtations, often silly and stupid ones, but being approached by a pair of guys while I’m talking to someone else and asked to come home with them, while they don’t even make the effort to flirt or let alone introduce themselves, let… There’s some weird people out there. And they crawl out of the woodwork en masse it seems ever since my ex-relationship.
It’s so different from what I’m used to the 8 years before my ex relationship that I’m sure it’s something that they assume of me. Of course, my cold, direct response and putting them on the spot over it, is not quite the reaction they expect.