By Ox Drover
Many people think of the term “judging others” in a negative way. I think a lot of this comes from the Biblical admonition found in which Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). Matthew 7:2-5 says, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” What Jesus was condemning here was hypocritical, self-righteous judgments of others.
I frequently hear others say, “Well, I’m not judging him ”¦” when they talk about how someone they know has done something that is less than morally upright. When I was a young person in this community of mostly Scots-Irish Protestants, people were frequently “judged” or compared to community standards of behavior. If a woman or girl had a child out of wedlock, she was judged for doing so. She was held up to a standard of behavior that she had publicly failed to meet. Her child, unfortunately, was also “judged” because of the mother’s behavior. In fact, I have a friend who was born of an adulterous affair, and “everyone” knew who her father was, and though no one was nasty to her face, my friend still grew up feeling “judged” as a “bastard.” She had a “rough” childhood and adolescence, which included drug use, and early, promiscuous sexual behavior as a result of her feeling judged. Fortunately, she was able to pull herself out of her downward spiral, escape the vicious psychopath that she married. (He was charged with killing his mistress’s husband in a cold-blooded, execution-style murder.) My friend escaped from this man, married a good man, and has managed to raise her own daughter as a “good kid.” She has also managed to salvage her self-esteem and her place in the community as a well-liked and respected member of this community
What is “judging” exactly? What is fair judgment, and what is unfair judgment? Well, to me, “judging” what a person thinks or “reading their mind” is “magical thinking” and it is not possible to do fairly. No matter what people do, I can’t really know what they were thinking. One of the things that frustrated me the most in dealing with this “mind reading” was the gaslighting my egg donor did when she excused herself for lying to me by saying that if she had told me the truth I would have been so upset I would have “thrown a fit” because she loaned money to the psychopath my son had sent to infiltrate our family. I was so upset at the time that she presumed to be able to “read my mind” and I swore to her that I would not have “thrown a fit.” But how do you prove a negative when someone presumes to be able to read your mind and predict your behavior?
Mind reading and behavior prediction, based upon the ability to magically read one’s mind, is unfair judgment. It is, I think what Jesus was condemning in Matt 7:1 “Judge not least ye be judged.” However, showing discernment in our observations is not the kind of “judgment” that Jesus was condemning. James 3:11-12 says (11) Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? (12) Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives or a grapevine bear figs? No spring yields both salt water and fresh. The author James is showing us here that we ought to be able to discern things that are right and good versus things that are bad by observation, not mind-reading ”¦ and that we should be able to see that a grapevine should bear grapes, and a fig tree figs, not the other way around. We ought to be able to look at a person’s “fruit” (behavior) and tell what that person is.
When we deal with a psychopath, many times they wear a “mask” to cover up what they are doing; they tell lies to throw us off the track. We aren’t perfect ourselves, and we know that we aren’t perfect, so we try not to “judge” others to a standard of perfection which we ourselves cannot reach. However, by trying to be empathetic to others and to not “judge” them, when we know ourselves not to be perfect, we sometimes go to the other extreme of not holding others to any standard of behavior at all. We calm ourselves by telling ourselves we are not “judging” this person, when in fact, we are overlooking their obvious bad behavior that repeats itself over and over and over.
While it may be comforting for us to think that there “is good in everyone” and that “even the worst person can change,” there are people who are quite satisfied to use and abuse others like objects or possessions, who actually obtain glee from using others.
Psychopathy isn’t “diagnosed” by one bad deed, or even two or three bad deeds, but is seen as a longstanding pattern of abusive behavior and an attitude of entitlement. Many times this bad behavior is masked behind a layer of “addiction” to drugs or alcohol, so that we may think that “if only he didn’t drink/drug” he would be fine, but this is “judging” in the wrong direction, by giving the person the benefit of the doubt about why they drink/drug. Judging in favor of someone (mind reading) about why they do bad acts is just as dangerous as mind reading the other direction and blaming someone for thoughts that you have magically put in their heads.
We need, as healthy individuals, to be able to discern behavior as abusive and to avoid the person who does these abusive things repeatedly, and to be able to judge/discern that person as an unhealthy individual for us to associate with. The reason doesn’t matter why they are unhealthy, and it really doesn’t matter if they qualify clinically as a psychopath or not, they are not healthy for us. The relationship drags us down.
The Biblical or social admonition to “judge not” doesn’t condemn us to being stupid to the point that we observe not, or that we fail to condemn bad behavior in either ourselves or others. We are expected to use our conscience to monitor our own behavior and when we fail to live up to the standard that we have set for ourselves we should feel “guilt” which tells us, “don’t do that again.” By the same token, we should also be able to see that the behavior of someone else is hurtful to us or others, and is not the kind of behavior that we would allow ourselves to do, so we are not obligated to tolerate it from someone else.
The bottom line is that if we don’t think that someone else’s behavior is something we would think is “okay to do,” then we do not have to allow that behavior or that person to affect our lives. If you won’t lie and cheat, don’t tolerate someone who does. If you wouldn’t steal, don’t tolerate someone who does. Stand up and say, “it is wrong to lie and steal, it is wrong to cheat. I won’t do that, and I won’t tolerate that.” That does not make you a “judgmental person,” it makes you a wise person. It makes you a discerning person. It makes you a healthy person.
SO glad to see this. Unfortunately religious abuse and the portrait of a psychopathic God has been a huge aid and tool to other psychopaths. For many years I tried to understand HOW and WHY I got in this mess. My family was very loving, I never even heard my parents raise their voices at each other, and they were ALWAYS encouraging to me, always giving me positive reinforcement. So it made no sense.
However, I WAS raised in a VERY strict fundamental pentecost church/cult that used fear of God to rule everyone.
By the age of 14 we were out of there but the effects on my psyche were devestating. I truly believed to be a good christian girl I had to forgive unending, love conquered all, blah blah blah. This was a real eye opener for me when I realized that the universe, God, higher power, whatever you wish to refer to it as BEING, is IN all of us, not OUT there somewhere and letting another being, of any kind, abuse us is NOT godly or good. They are part of the eco system I think, like a wasp or alligator. Doesnt mean we have to lay in bed with them. Their purpose is served and move on. If you want to go biblical on this, think on the verse that says how God created all THINGS, even vessels of “dishonor” for a purpose.
Hmmm.
Ox,
Of all the articles you’ve written, this one is one of the very best. Very thought provoking and balanced. I really enjoyed this one.
LL
Great Article Oxy. There is a verse in the Bible I am not going to take the time to look up that says “Judge with righteous judgment”.
My divorce lawyer helped me about as much as anyone in recent years as he wanted just the facts. I would say, “Well he hasn’t sent the check yet but it is probably because….” My lawyer would say, “Did he or didn’t he?”
I was raised with magical thinking and was also subjected to a lot of that during my last marriage. I hate the fact that people assume that they can speak for me, know my motives, act as if they can read my mind.
Manipulation is another thing I hate. My mother would play a game called “Don’t take what is offered to you.” Just recently my step-father picked up about three items from the store for me. I asked my mother how much I owed him. She said “We are not going to charge you this time, but offer to pay him anyway……that is another variety of write a thank you note to your aunt. I am 60 and should not have to be reminded to write thank you notes. I can pick up the phone and call.
I told my mother that I was not playing that game. I said “Either tell me how much I owe or don’t owe, I am not going to pretend to offer when you just said it was free. I was more than happy to pay the 15 to 20 bucks but was not going to play games.
I think I have veered off the subject, but this subject really hits a nerve with me. Thank you for bringing it up.
TTS
I believe it is Martha Stout in her book on Sociopaths that says if a person lies to you three times, do not believe them after that. I wish I would have acted on that years ago.
What I mentioned earlier about the playing games about things offered to me, I was taught to be “The bigger person.” If a person seems to be taking advantage of you, let it go. Don’t make a big deal of it. On the other hand, don’t take advantage of them. My mother also contradicted herself and said “You are such a patsy.” I think that means gullible.
I found myself through the years giving her things that she admired in my house because “I was the bigger person, I don’t value stuff.” What that did is really set me up for my last spath who gave me gifts in the beginning but paid for nothing later on. One time he brought over a mechanic to fix the car that I was going to give him, a car that was dead in my driveway. He didn’t tell me in advance. I paid 200.00 in parts and another 100.00 to the mechanic friend of his. He did not offer to pay anything. What we were going to do that day was have lunch at my house in which I was going to cook hamburgers. I cooked them, they got cold, I got resentful, and then ended up feeding hm, the mechanic, and his friend who came to pick him up in the car. Just recently I finally had that DEAD car towed away. I should have done that with spath over a year ago.
TTS
Dear TTS,
It is the “beholden” principle I call it. Someone does you a favor (a small one) so you are “beholden” to them and if they ask for a “favor” (whatever it is) because you are “beholden” to them, you must grant it even if you don’t wish to.
My culture (Scots-Irish/Southern US) is very invested in this custom, and when people do us a favor we must return one or we are “ungrateful.” The thing is that when psychopaths do us “favors” or give us “gifts” they are not favors or gifts at all but DOWN PAYMENTS ON CONTROL….
Your mother’s “giving” you the things that you had her pick up was an exercise in her trying to get “one up” on you and be able later to say “look what I did for you, you ungrateful child!” LOL
Ah, yes, I have been down THAT ROAD and learned to REFUSE gifts and offers of gifts from people I do not trust, and mostly that is my “egg donor” (X-mother) whatever you want to term her but it isn’t a “gift” it is a payment. LOL
Thanks guys, glad you liked the article…I am learning to be judgmental and to make decisions and judgments, but it has been a steep learning curve! LOL
BTW Martha Stout may say “3-lies and you are out!” but I say ONE LIE AND YOU ARE OUT….no second and third chances to lie to me….just lie one time, and I brand you a liar. I don’t need liars in my life.
Thanks for writing this article Oxy. It’s so nice that someone can read the bible, make heads or tails out of it and pass that SENSIBLE information on.
Oxy, Really great post. You have a wonderful way of clarifying things that are sometimes VERY confusing. Thanks and God Bless!!
I remember that specific comment in the Stout book. She said something like: If a person lies once, it could have been a misunderstanding. If they lie twice, maybe there is some issue going on. If they lie three times, suspect a sociopath. This was not to say that you should stay with a person who has lied only once or twice. I think she was saying that normal people sometimes lie. But if you catch a person in three lies, this is a telltale sign that you are dealing with a socipath.
The BEHOLDEN Principle. That is a great way of putting it. Of all of the spathdom I am trying to recover from these days, my relationship with my mother seems to be front and center. I am quite sure now that she is a Narcissist, but sometimes, like today she can be quite deceptive. She calls me on the phone and is suddenly interested in me. Oh well, I am not going to go there right now.
The problem with being “the bigger person” is that instead of someone just buying the groceries, giving me a receipt and I pay them, I end up over paying them, if not now, then later. My then husband used to cut her grass and do other helpful things for her like driving her to the airport. She would give him money. (not a set amount) I did a balancing act reprimanding him for taking the money. He told me that she wouldn’t take no for an answer, the same thing with my step-brother-in-law now. They try to help her, she pays them and then complains for years how they NEVER do anything for her. When she helped me with my divorce by getting me a good lawyer I walked a tight rope to keep from being beholden to her. That is why I am such a nit picker now about setting a price and paying what is owed. If someone want’s to say “it is on me” this time, then I will say thank you and buy their lunch next time.
One of the reasons I have been such a target for spaths is that I have been generous to a fault. Regarding the topic of judging, yes I not only gave them the benefit of the doubt but sometimes explained them to other people covering for them. It was exhausting. Now the only person I am responsible for is myself. Thank God. Yes I do believe in Him. He doesn’t want us to be stupid either.
TTS
Oh, Star I see her point, absolutely! But I have just gotten to the point if I see that someone is LYING—and I’m not talking about the “do these pants make my butt look big?” kind of social lie, but REAL lies to cover up wrong doing or to con someone, or present a false front. When someone does something like that and there is no “misunderstanding” it is a real DECEPTION—I am done with them. I may not even tell them I am done with them, but I no longer trust them at all.
In the past, every time I have given someone who openly lied, you know what has happened—they have stabbed me in the back! So NO more….no more second chances. No more “let’s pretend it didn’t happen”—-I’m also not saying that someone couldn’t come to me and SHOW repentance, and make amends and regain my trust—but it will NOT BE QUICK, AND IT WILL NOT BE EASY.
MY trust is my most valuable gift….it goes along with my love and once someone has betrayed that trust and that love, it will be very difficult to get it back.
ACTIONS show how someone feels, and when people act badly toward me or others, it shows me that they do not respect or love those they are abusive of. So what they DO, how they ACT (the “fruit” they bear) shows me what kind of “tree” they are.