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By | March 21, 2011 179 Comments

What was your turning point?

Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman whose daughter is caught in the web of a sociopath. The woman and her husband are not enabling the relationship—the sociopath, of course, wants money. They are hoping and praying that their daughter will escape.

Here is her question to other Lovefaud readers:

What was the “turning point,” “awakening moment,” “realization point,” that woke them up OUT of the fog, the gaslighting, etc., and what made them realize they needed to RUN, to get away from their sociopaths?  What finally “did it,” what finally “broke the camel’s back?”  Where they realized what was happening to them, had been done to them, when they finally realized things were NEVER going to “get better?”

There must be a “trigger” here somewhere. I’m just trying to grasp what it’s going to take.  What is going to have to happen to jar her awake from this brainwashing/fog?

My experience

I remember the moment for me.

I knew my husband, James Montgomery, was lying to me, although I didn’t realize the extreme extent of the lies. I knew all my money was gone; my husband had spent about $227,000, much of it carelessly. I suspected he was cheating on me, and when I discovered proof, I left him.

Still, even after I left him, I thought my husband was just one of those guys who can’t stay faithful. I did not realize that my entire marriage was a scam right from the beginning.

The real moment of truth came when I called one of the women my husband appeared to be involved with. According to bank records I’d found, she had given him $6,000. The conversation went like this:

“I’m Donna Andersen. I’m James Montgomery’s wife, and I’d like to suggest that you don’t give him any more money.”

“It’s too late. I already gave him $92,000.”

I almost dropped the phone. And with that conversation, I realized that my husband had married me for the specific purpose of taking my money. That was all.

Your moment of truth

This reader has asked a really important question, one that may glean some possible approaches from helping people escape the sociopathic trap. So please post your experience.

What did it for you? When did you finally realize that you had to get out?

 

 

 

 

 


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Dani S

In my experience things started to spiral very quickly. After 5 1/2 years I had no money left from my previous marriage settlement, was in debt to my eye balls and was now not only getting verbally and emotionally abused he started to physically abuse me. My tight family and friend support system was all but driven away and I was afraid. The final thing was he assaulted me whilst he was holding our baby daughter but even with that the fear kept me there for a little while longer as he kept telling me he was going to take our baby and in my silly confused state at the time I thought if I was near him I would know what he was up to and less likely to hurt us. About 3 weeks later he phoned me ranting about something or another and I just bust out crying and said I cant do this anymore. He turned around and said well make sure all your stuff is gone by the time I get home. His words at the time for me were my out. I ran home as quickly as I could and with a girlfriend that coincidentally called me straight afterward packed up my self and my 3 children’s belongings and fled. I guess I was waiting for to let me go, to tell me to go because before hand I was never allowed to and was so scared of him. For me when he began to get physical I knew I had to get out of there, I just didn’t know how. I believe they eventually go that one step too far where it deeply effects what we can and cannot put up with, plus when he started to unravel he came apart at lightening speed. Even when I thought I was at my weakest I was actually at my strongest. To get away was the hardest thing to do but I was so conditioned I didn’t believe I could survive without him! Well Haha to him!!!! I am surviving pretty dam well now! I dont think with Sociopaths there is that one moment, I think it is a break down of the relationship with lots of lots moments. It took a while before I could believe my gut was right as I had been tricked into thinking differently about everything if that all makes sense!

Denise Guiney

Xy always exposed my son to material not suited to his age but when he bought my little guy a medieval eating knife for his eight birthday that was it. I found the emails ordering it and complained to the seller who then abused me and suggested X also buy me some mild steel condoms. The knife still arrived, it was eight inches long and really sharp. X suggested he could use it only for eating dinner. I left, he pursued and continued to harrass and try to economically cripple me even when I was living in a leaking one bedroom granny flat. Its taken me many long years to separate myself from him and his financial abuse and financially controlling behaviour but every minute away from him was worth it.

jlmfp1

My turning point was when I entered therapy. I had been manipulated into believing that I was “crazy” for several years. After many years of having everything blamed on me , being told I was crazy and told I needed to see a shrink, I began to believe it. Afterall, I felt terrible, I was depressed, confused,drained and felt out of balance most of the time so I did feel a bit crazy. After beginning therapy,I didnt leave the realtionship immediately, I learned alot about abuse and manipulation and I started to become clear about what was really going on. I will never forget the day I decided to end the charade, it was a sunny fall day. I had been passifying him by staying in contact, as he had a history of stalking and would become obsessive and scary when we were apart and I just didnt want to deal with it. But after thinking it through over and over,I decided enough was enough. I realized that the situation was never going to get any better. There was no such thing as the fairytale he promised and fantasized about.His behavior was not my fault. I called him and told him we should not have contact with each other, I felt it was the only way I could move forward with my life without getting sucked back in- he was not happy about it , I didnt care. I decided it was MY life and MY choice. I recognized that after 7 years of manipulation and abuse -I didnt even like him. I would not choose him if I were selecting a person to date and I certainly was not willing to stay stuck with him and allow him to control my life. It was a challenge and things got worse before they got better. He did obsess, threaten and stalk- but I succeeded. I never went back. I continued with therapy, I became clear and continued to learn:)

onelukygurl

Ive had two turning points. One was when I was missing a ‘book’ from my house, which he had made quotes out of, and then denied knowing where the book was. As I asked him about the books wherabouts, he got VERY defensive, turining it around on ME saying “I cant believe you would accuse me of stealing from you.” We went on a vacation that weekend and things were FINE. I had forgotten about the book completely. He, though, hadnt. One week later, he brought it up again saying he couldnt believe I accused him of stealing from me and he didnt know where this was leading us. I could see CLEARLY how he had used manipulation to guilt me and make me feel bad about myself. I also could see the crazymaking and how ‘sick’ he was and how ‘sick’ I was as a result.
We had NC for 5 months.
After ‘re-engaging” in April when he contacted me, I tried to set boundaries and rules. This worked for about 6 months until it got to the point where we were gonna move in together. He suddenly had ‘financial’ problems. Needless to say, he moved in and didnt really ‘want’ to pay his portion. He moved out stating he ‘wasnt attracted to, interested in or feelign me.” He also hadnt paid any bills for the two months he was here. Well, its now time to pay the piper for the bills HE had, which he THOUGHT Id just take care of when he left.
The second turing point for me? This morning after receiving an email where he tried using the positive qualities I KNOW I have like trustwothyness, integrity and being a good person, AGAINST ME! He has tried guilting me into paying a bill HE had while living with me stating he ‘thought’ I was going to take care of it and he did not peg me for being untrustworthy or dishonest. I AM SO FAR FROM BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!!! Not to mention this bill is in HIS name, under HIS ss number and it was HIS responsibility to shut it off when he left…although he had an outstandign balance then and I do believe he THOUGHT Id pay it to just be done with it…
Surprise…I didnt…and so if that makes ME a shitty, untrustworthy, bad person…well, then I guess I fit the bill!

Ox Drover

Which turning point with WHICH psychopath?

With my P-sperm donor it was a severe beating and being raped, and in fear of my life.

With my P son it was realizing that he was not sorry for his crime (murder) and that he actually was proud of it. The look of absolute evil in his eye when he said it.

With my X-BF P that I became involved in during my grief after the death of husband…it was seeing what a liar he was, that he had always been a liar, a cheat and wasn’t going to change. It wasn’t “sudden” so much as consistent thinking over a period of a couple of weeks. I didn’t want to accept what I was seeing, but finally I did and broke it off with him.

I sort of have an “eject” button on my emotional life now, and at the first sign of dishonesty or deliberate meanness I hit the “eject” button and eject that person out of my life. It has sometimes been a very painful thing to do as some of these relationships have been long term and were important to me, but I have after careful thought realized that anyone who is dishonest and unkind to me is NOT someone I need in my life.

skylar

morning Oxy,
yeah WHICH psychopath for me too.
With my exsPath it was when my N-parents finally TOLD me that they had overheard exP tell someone else that he was only with me for my money. Thank God they finally told me. They told me because they began to see that this fiasco was not just about me but had begun to involve them and their P-goldenchild daughter.

With my N-parents, it was the realization that they had kept that info from me, for 25 years. And then I remembered the way they had treated me in childhood and how much the controlling behavior reminded me of the exP.

With my P-brother, it was when I moved back home to live with the N-parents and he had been living there for years. And he called the police on me and sent me to jail for domestic violence – AFTER he attacked me AND scratched himself to make it look like I had done it. This actually confirmed the turning point with the N-parents because they allowed him to get away with this and he continues to live there.

With my P-sister, it was when the spath was trying to pull his final con on me and I could tell she was in on it. She is so stupid that SHE didn’t know that spath was pulling the strings. She thought her P-trojan horse husband was pulling the strings. But she would call and make little remarks like she knew about the con. She would also call and waste my time at 12PM fridays, JUST LIKE THE SPATH DID. This was an attempt to get me to miss the garbage pick up (I know it sounds ridiculous but that’s what they were focusing on and that’s also what gave them away).

With P-neighbors, again it was the garbage pickup. They had been doing it for months but it was when spath did it too, that all their BS began to coalesce into a revelation of spathological thinking and plotting.

That’s the thing about spaths, (someone else here on LF said this the other day) one or two things they do, make no sense, but if you put together the myriads of behaviors over time, they come together to form the picture of a spath. That picture is as clear and easy to see as the hand in front of your face. You just have to know the red flags.

super chic

My turning point was when I began to love myself.
After that, I could no longer pretend I did not see the red flags of lies, lies, lies.
I stopped listening to what he said and started
watching his actions (which did not back up his word).
This was advice I learned from dying professor Randy Pausch
who gave a “last lecture” to his small children,
that was advice he gave to his little girl to follow when
she grows up and starts dating.

Toxic man was just using me. I didn’t want to believe it!!!!
I felt like I hit a brick wall at 90mph.
Had to pick up the little pieces of myself and put myself back together.
I had the advantage of already being a member of the LF community because of a previous
relationship I had been in, I guess at first I just didn’t “get it”.

By reading the articles and comments here… I had to re-learn
there is true evil walking around posing as a normal human being…
but the greatest gift of LF is finding out that it’s not about him,
it’s about me… and healing me.

Ox Drover

There is a definite PATTERN to the behavior of a psychopath, and it repeats like a knitting pattern…at first you may not be able to SEE that there is a pattern until things start to pile up and there are enough threads that intersect that the pattern starts to become apparent. It isn’t just one event here or there, but over lapping ones….a lie here, information kept secret there, a little bit of unkindness, then out right abuse…they all go together to form that PICTURE OF A PATTERN of lack of compassion, lack of caring, denial of your pain. Knit-purl, knit-purl…purl-purl knit-knit lie-slander-secrets-anger-blame-rage-projection and on and on and on.

What is so amazing to me sometimes is that NOW, in retrospect, I can see the pattern so clearly and realize that even at the TIME I saw the pattern and made excuses for it, made up things to deny it was there. LIED TO MYSELF. ALMOST FOOLED MYSELF. Leaned to “function in my dysfunction” and to fake out my own pain….and convince myself to keep on keeping on.

candy

My turning point ……

If someone came to me NOW and told me they were in debt up to the hilt, had been in prison at least twice, had other women, lied incessantly, cheated, be-littled me, swore, ranted, pushed me around etc would I take him into my home? So WHY THE HELL did I take him in?!

Answer – because I did not know all of this (I was blinded by ‘love’) at the outset but bit by bit the mask fell and the fog lifted. And I realised that the man I thought I knew I did not know at all.

I had a VERY lucky ‘escape’ thanks to my family standing by me and supporting me.

bullheart

oh man… let’s see with the most recent or the rest…

with the one that just brought me to lovefraud, HE ended it. whatever “ending” means to spaths.

but, THANK GOD.

i was no longer a convenient source of supply for him, (wouldnt give anymore money for his grand utopian living project) hence the initiazed break. i guess without having the language for it at the time, i knew i was no longer of USE. and LOVE had nothing to do with it, never did.

even during the “good” times, it was all an illusion. every “nice” thing he did for “me” fed into him underneath, not me.

but of course he has tried to make contact since. and i know i could have slid back in. i caught myself backtrack thinking a couple days ago but can now readily stop it.

just focus on the LIES. all the hundreds of thousands of neverending LIES.

HE IS THE LIE FROM HELLO TO GOODBYE. i mantra that now.

bluejay

They create a hell-on-earth existence for you, never learning from their “mistakes,” causing the victim to feel like he/she is on a constant, unending emotional rollercoaster ride. After the spath walked out and I refused to even reconcile, all the pieces of the puzzle (things that I had noticed in the past and continued to notice) came together, cluing me in that there was something fundamentally wrong with the man. During the separation was when I realized that he was a sociopath (taking months for that revelation to sink in) and over time, this diagnosis has been confirmed to me over and over again, that I tagged him right. It still is unsettling to me that I was married to such a person.

bullheart

and yes candy!

if any man presents hiimself to me with any history of substance abuse or criminality i will immediately walk away. IMMEDIATELY. i don’t care if its low-level stuff and maybe they really are “ok” (i think those numbers are few, but do exist). but i will not take my chances.

i can’t believe i used to see those things as badges of honor for a life lived on the edge. its just a life lived on the edge of INSANITY. OUR insanity.

candy

Bullheart – Amen to that

Hopeforjoy

When did I finally see the light? I wish I could tell you it was a single moment in time and I got out of the relationship right away, but for me it was a series of events. The spath I married used the right words but the wrong actions. He tried really hard, pulled out all the stops, to keep me hooked.

For years I thought that all of our problems were my fault, I would try to get him to see how he was hurting me but he would use all sorts of logic to tell me how wrong I was. I finally felt so bad about our marriage and myself that I told him I wanted to end it. He told me I was ungrateful. I agreed to go to a counselor and try and work it out.

I think my body knew that there was a disconnect between the reality he was telling me and the truth. I felt sick and my body was telling me the truth. After finding out my thyroid had stopped working and starting on medication, I began to feel better and see things differently.

Fast forward to now, two years later. I found out husband was into porn, lesbian and young black girls. He denied, denied, denied. I took the computer to a forensics specialist and it was a fact. I had him evaluated at the university for sex addiction. He lied but I found out he is narcisstic. I think that the reason he went with me is because he was trying to prove I was crazy. He told the doctor this as well but the doctor said the tests showed that I wasn’t crazy.

This was still not enough for me to leave. He kept saying everything was in my imagination and he loved me so much. He called my mom for an intervention on my behalf. This was after I asked him to take a lie detector test. I found cell phone usage on his phone that I believe to be phone sex lines. Got a subpeona. Stil he denied. I tracked his computer and found him looking for mental institutions for a family member who is resistant to treatment, meaning me. Still I stayed.

The last straw was him being inappropriate with our daughter. She didn’t want to be home alone with him anymore and I put her into therapy. He called her a liar as well.

Still, I stayed longer than I should have. I thought if he could see that he had a problem and got help, he would be okay. I thought he was in denial. He always held down a job and didn’t try to con me out of money but he conned me out of 20 years of my life.

Our daughter now believes her father is a sociopath because of how he has treated her. She is better since he is out of the house.

He didn’t want to leave and it took a very long time to get him gone. I started to look for another place to live but he said he would move. He was like molassass.

I wish there was an ah-ha moment and I had the courage to face the truth, but it was a series of events that lead me here. I stayed way too long, it was two years of hell but I finally found my voice and feel the happiest I have in years. I’m at peace and I count my blessings every night. I’m not lonely and every day is a gift.

I know this may not sound like good advice but I think you should continue to support your daughter and keep telling her that she deserves to be treated with respect no matter what relationship she’s in. If you make the spath try and look bad, it will back fire on you. It will be hard to see her in pain but she has to make the journey herself. One exception would be if you think she is in danger, then you need a different strategy. Best wishes, you have support here anytime you need it!

raggedy ann

I had repeated turning points that were a slow progression involving loans of money, discovery of other women, and increasing levels of gall and disrespect shown in specific behaviors toward me. He never laid a hand on me, but the gaslighting bluster, deception, unreliability and callousness and casualness about the pain it caused me, and the slightly parasitic “making one’s way by relying on women” factors were all there, as well as the repeated pushing for just one more chance. It was he who faded more and more out of my life until he was gone, but at some point long before, I started standing my ground more and more, but I vascillated with that.

In my case, I was troubled and also completely inexperienced with this kind of human being. What I was MISSING this whole time was persuasive, informed data on this sort of person and their very dim hopes of ever reforming, no matter what they promise or even intend at the moment of promising. I had a therapist who wasn’t telling me this. I did have people telling me “get rid of this guy” but no one saying “R-Ann, I’m experienced with this guy, I’ve seen tons of them, they usually have such and such characteristics, and they do the same s*** to a string of women. And it starts out feeling so real, and they might be exhilirating to be with on occasion, but many of the women that get sucked in by them end up ruined or with many wasted years. Once in a while they even end up dead. Just because he is the one guy that stuck around after sleeping with you doesn’t mean he cares, and this could hardly be called sticking around…”

There was no LoveFraud.com when I went through my troubles either. I knew what a sociopath was from psychology classes, but I didn’t know the expression “lovebomb”, or “No Contact”, fully understand “gaslighting”, and I hadn’t read repeated stories to understand how commonplace my own patterns were.

I also might have benefitted if I had applied more concepts of addiction recovery to myself at the time, because I had a sick addiction to this person, and the high that came from the more positive aspects of his company.

So:
The main things I can think of as turning points were not fixed points at all. One was a growing understanding that I was actually more nervous around this guy and more relieved when I hadn’t been around him for a while (though initially there would be a renewed attachment from new intimacy, and the pain of his disappearing again…). The other was going onto an antidepressant that worked for me, in my case an SSRI. I had tried a few but one finally put my feet more solidly on the ground. It also suppressed my libido somewhat, which helped in this situation significantly. I was less vulnerable to him. So these two things were very significant “curves in the road.”

The whole process would have been quicker if I’d had access to something like lovefraud. You might surreptitiously have somebody turn your daughter onto it in the guise of a fascinating site full of appalling/juici-ish stories about appalling people and the damage they do…(?)

raggedy ann

Oxy, I only recently learned the story of your repugnant P-sperm-donor. It made me so sad to read it, and I am sorry that evil experience happened to you. I don’t know if I said it before.

Ox Drover

Thanks R-ann, I appreciate that…he was a violent and sick piece of sheet for sure. At the age I was (late teenager) I had no way to know what the heck I had stumbled into….and in retrospect I probably had PTSD then, and the lack of validation and the shame held me back from the growth I should have been doing at this time in my life. I am grateful to God that I even survived emotionally as well as physically. What I do appreciate though is that as bad as he was, he is NOT a “rare bird” either—there is no endangered species notification out for him and his kind–they are everywhere, in every walk of life, every sex, race, creed and of every national origin.

If the psychopaths were removed from the planet, 99% of the evil things that happen in this world would be GONE…the troubles of mankind, wars, rape, crime, would be GONE. Think about it. If the only problems we had in this world were earth quakes and floods how wonderful this world would be. Earthquakes and floods and even nuclear melt downs pale in comparison to what is going on in the world with wars, slavery, rape and pillage. If all we had to worry about was disease and natural disasters, this would be HEAVEN COMPARED TO NOW.

Think about it…no child abuse, no addictions, no robbery, no rape, no assault, no domestic violence, no war, no crime of any kind to speak of, all of the “human ills” just GONE! Makes you stop and think doesn’t it about the damage that these CREATURES do?

justdreamin

My turning point was not a moment in time, but a series of events last summer. They were typical things like discovering his bold-faced lies, enduring ever-more-violent rages, seeing him drop his mask of kindness and begin to refuse my simple requests to help, then seeing him REFUSE to pay bills he clearly owed, finding things he had stolen, having him purposely ignore my birthday, catching him stealing my money, threatening my daughter.

This is all beside the issue of constant sexual assaults anytime we were alone. The thought of being around him was becoming more and more disturbing, to the point that I lived with constant panic attacks and PTSD, and I did not want to even be in my own home when he was there.

Anyway, I knew that something was dreadfully wrong, but I didn’t know what in the world was going on. I have never been around a situation like this in my life. The answer – my turning point – was that I began to search for information. I started by googling “opportunist” because this is the only word I could think of to describe him. I learned more and more; I hit upon “narcissist” but that didn’t entirely cover it. When I found the sociopath and psychopath descriptions, I knew I had found the explanation for everything. I sat in the computer chair, just stunned.

Still, I wanted some real-life examples to compare to my own situation, just to be sure I was correctly understanding sociopaths. When I found LoveFraud, and the stories here were so very real and similar to my own, I KNEW what the problem was… it was not me, it was HIM!! This knowledge enabled me to move forward knowing I was right, and I wasn’t going crazy anymore! I learned what the cycle of abuse was, and I could clearly see what was going on.

KNOWLEDGE=POWER

Oxy, I wanted to say I had not heard you use the R-word in reference to your sperm donor until a few days ago. I wasn’t aware of that, and I am SO SORRY you had to go through that. You are an inspiration.

KatyDid

I can not identify a turning. Rather like a poster above, I had a thousand points of light. Little incidents occurred, NONE of which anyone would end their marriage over – until the BIG incidents which NO ONE would tolerate.

Just a couple months after marriage, I started keeping a journal. I did this b/c I had too many incidents where something was said and then I was told it never happened or happened differently than I recalled. I told myself, that’s normal. Everyone see things from their perspective. So when things happened and didn’t make sense, I wrote it down. When the journal was full, I read it. That revealed a PATTERN.

My husband would lie. Not big lies, just little lies for no reason. He’d say something gossipy about an older lady. Then deny he’d said it. He’d answer my question about something with a lie. And when I asked WHY did you LIE to Me? He prevaricated and finally said, “B/C you presssured me into it by asking questions.”

Any surprise that my marriage ended TERRIBLY, with my husband having multiple affairs and destroying my reputation?

I learned. 1) If someone will lie about a little thing, (not talking about social lies here) they will lie about BIG things. 2) It gets worse. They DON’T learn to trust you and then stop lying so don’t even try to tell yourself THAT LIE.

Funny thing is, sometimes he told me the truth and I pooh poohed it. He told me about his sexual fantasy that he “heard about from one of the guys”. Put your penis through a hole and someone on the other side takes you to heaven. YEARS later I understood the ramification of this and my husband’s favorite hotel in a seedy part of San Francisco, which he said was b/c hotels were SO expensive and a good choice so he could save money when he was on his own.

In the end, the thousand points of light were so bright, the truth was ablaze.

hens

I cant even begin to count the times I had reason too end it. I cant count the times I did end it and still always took him back. I think my turning point was when my oldest son came over to talk too me, when he broke down in tear’s and said “what’s wrong with you Daddy” he hadnt called me daddy in 20 years….the next day I changed numbers and never spoke to the X again….

hens

Katydid [In the end, the thousand points of light were so bright, the truth was ablaze.] That sums it up, so many years of craziness in one sentence. Wow, very powerful sentence there katy……

aussiegirl

Hope for joy –

“I tracked his computer and found him looking for mental institutions for a family member who is resistant to treatment, meaning me. Still I stayed.”
Thank God you got out when you did!!! How frightening for you. xx

aussiegirl

For me? With spath number 1 (husband number 2), it was a nasty note in the mail, long after he had left me and I was still grieving him and still making excuses for him.

There had been so many huge, big, fat, enormous red flags for many months well before this, but I had reasoned them away or else ignored or “forgotten” them. Things that would have sent others running for the nearest hills way before I disconnected from him.

For instance, the time he tried to get me to commit assisted “suicide”, by feeding me painkillers while I was drunk (I didn’t – and still don’t – usually get drunk; I don’t even drink that much at all). I had been drinking to drown my sadness and anxiety at how he had been treating me and because my gut kept screaming at me that SOMETHING VERY BAD was wrong. He came into the room where I was and made fun of the state I was in (crying, miserable, rocking myself to and fro on the ground from the pain of it all). I had a packet of headache tablets and had taken 2 of them, as my head felt like it was going to explode – not from the drinking, but from wailing so hard for hours on end. He calmly stood over me and kept handing them to me every now and again saying thing like, “Here, have two of these. They will make you feel better”, and “Look at the state you are in! You better take two of these” and (when I asked how many I had had), “No, you only had two and now I’m giving you two more. It won’t hurt you”.

I was distressed and drunk enough to go along with it at first (after all, he was talking so softly and kindly to me – I had his attention and care for a change…) BUT I wasn’t so drunk that I didn’t at some point start to feel scared and doubt he was telling me the truth about how many I had taken. It’s blurry, given the traumatic circumstances and the booze, but I’m pretty sure that I took about 10 before I refused any more. (The maximum allowed was 8 in a 24-hour period).

Now – believe it or not – THAT was not a turning point. That’s how stuck he had me. Some weeks after that I came home to an empty house, an empty bank account, a pile of bills left on the kitchen counter and a note to say he couldn’t tolerate my craziness any more so he had left and that I shouldn’t try to find him. Even THAT was not my turning point. (I know, I know, I know!!!!)

I tracked him all over Australia, hired a private detective to confirm where he was living, caught a plane to the other side of the country with the last money I had to my name, sat on a bus for something like 18 hours to get to where he was, turned up at his doorstep on a Saturday morning and knocked on his door. He was there with the “friend” who had caught the bouquet at our wedding only 9 months earlier. it was 8.00am and she was sitting at the breakfast table, drinking coffee and reading a porn magazine. Porn videos of every variety were strewn all over the floor of the front room. She answered the front door, saw me and bolted, leaving the front door open and running out of the back door. I walked right in and up the passgeway calling his name. I found him crawling out of bed and pulling on his pants in a bedroom at the back of the house.

Fast forward from that, because even THAT was not a turning point – I still hoped he would come home and “get the help he needed”. About 6 months later, having relocated my life and started a new job, I was still sad and hopeful. (Ridiculous now, to think of it; embarrassing to write it and see it written…)

One day an envelope arrived in the mail in his hand writing. Prior to this I had been getting crank calls at my place of employment which my gut kept telling me were him but my heart kept arguing with me about. Inside the envelope was a note that said, “It’s amazing what a person can find out about someone, through Social Securities etc. I know where you live and where you work and what hours you work and I have people watching you”.

THAT was my turning point. It scared the living daylights out of me. I started divorce proceedings and never tried to contact him again. For a little while I still got crank calls at home and at work and the occasional horrible note sent by post, but I never responded to any of them and I think he eventually got bored that I wasn’t reacting. It has been 15 years since he has tried to contact me.

And that was the lesser of the two spaths I married….

aussiegirl

Don’t have the energy or time to write about the Superspath (husband number 3) just now. Will come back later.

petra

I’m new to this blog & recently out of my first ever relationship with a spath. This guy was a folk singer & he sang all these romantic love songs about idealized women from his past,or so he said. One night at a bar he dedicated this song to me about a hole that needed filling in. I was stunned by this ugly image dedicated to distorted me & I felt his disgust like acid in my veins. I had meekly tryed to get away from him several times prior to this evening..but this was a complete emotional catharsis for me..like a kick in the gut. No matter what he did after that I just kept seeing this dirty image of myself in his eyes..so after a while I crafted a complex revenge plan and got out by burning up the relationship so bad I couldn’t go back even if I wanted to…& oh god I was so sorry to have done it this way as I missed him..still do..never felt any resolution. So for me it was a direct feeling..not accumulations of bad deeds, not a lie or a betrayal..though of course there were many of both. I shudder when I feel his concentrated disgust & I’m still working on shedding this horrible reflection of myself. That’s the real damage..to be branded so ugly in the eyes of what you thought was your lover. I’m fighting hard to erase the spath’s image of me, but I can’t get his powerful message out of my head & fear I never will. That’s what they do..they taint you..they give you a slice of themselves & you take the distortion in. In a way their view is contagious..Despite all the lost time,money and the standard bag to tricks..it’s the feeling of pure hatred that still leaves me in a free fall.

lesson learned

Petra,

For reasons I choose not to express here at this time, I can tell you you will find a lot of help here, a lot of healing.

Your post has me in tears. It’s heartfelt…it speaks from a broken heart too.

Know that you can and will heal. It’s a long journey. I’m so sorry that you’re so wounded, but I can tell you, that it can and will get better, little by little.

Hugs.

LL

silvermoon

It was all very sudden.
Armed Marshalls storming into the house in a blizzard.
Watching them drive him away.
I knew exactly what had to be.

But it was still hard.
Coming to terms with how far I’d been taken”.
I didn’t want to believe it because I was ashamed.
I think it was more for my own self preservation that I hung on to the possibility that there was some other way for the story to go. Knowing all the while, there was not.

super chic

petra, nice to meet you, I am glad you posted,
I hope you will stay and read the articles
and post more, lots of good people here who have
really helped me a lot. It’s hard to come to a resolution
with somebody that always lies. Don’t believe his lies,
live in your own truth. How long were you together?

skylar

OMG Petra,
you described “THE SLIME”. They slime you. the feeling is one on needing to bathe or shower. My BF calls it “GET IT OFF ME!” (His mom was an N).

If you read the book “why is it always about you?” by Sandy Hotchkiss, it may help you to understand the slime.

There is something about what they do, and I don’t understand it, nor does anyone I’ve ever read, but their sickness is contagious. They can actually pass on what they have to those of us who come near them.

Andrew Lobaczewki describes this in his book Political Ponerology. He says that the only safe way to be around a spath is to practice emotional hygiene. His experience with spaths was in the environment of communist poland, which created an environment of spaths EVERYWHERE. The US is not much better but it IS better at hiding it.

My own spath has slimed me to a degree that can’t really be described. Words are insufficient. He did it without even knowing what he was doing. My belief is that the human condition is more complex than we have been taught to believe.

You see, my spath wanted to destroy my relationshit with my family/parents as he believed that they were the source of my power and self-confidence. They were. But that is because I believed their lies. I (and spath) believed that they loved me. But they didn’t, they are N’s. They may also have believed they love me but they don’t know what love is or how to have genuine love at all. They wanted me to be their scapegoat. To them, that IS love.

In the end, my parents are shocked that my spath has destroyed our relationshit. Because, when I left Spath, I went to them and they offered me refuge, so why do I feel so much pain from them? They said that Doug, the spath, has succeeded in his devious plan to separate me from them. What they don’t get is that he didn’t do it. They did it. They are so caught up in spathticity that they don’t even know it. When they offered me refuge it was just a desire for control on their part AND THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW IT. When I saw what Doug was (a controlling spath), I also saw how it was exactly what they had done to me. I had accepted Doug’s behavior because it was exactly what my “loving parents” had done to me.

So, slime is what they do to our old wounds. They size us up, see our old wounds and they inflict more damage where we are already weak. It is devastating. But it is also informative. We had been unaware of these wounds and scabs, so now we can use this new pain to find and cleanse all the old, putrified wounds. I’ve gotten to the point of seeing the wounds but I haven’t cleansed them. They still hurt so much. not sure how to clean out the bacteria growing there.

Thanks for posting Petra, it made me think more clearly.

Hope to heal

I am new to this site… I’ve spent most of the last 12 hours reading…. and reading some more. I have just realized that my husband’s ex is a spath. I will get details from him and post his “turning point” details sometime soon. I am gaining a lot of understanding through reading here. Hoping to provide the stability that my teenage stepson needs.

OMG the stories I am reading are like something out of a nightmare. My heart breaks reading them. Can someone please tell me: What is N? I am trying to make sense of the differences between sociopath, narcissistic, and psychopath. Aren’t they very similar to each other?

I am starting to believe that my mother may also have a personality disorder of some kind. She has always been very controlling.

Please please realize that it is not the fault of the VICTIM, it is all on the ABUSER. Do not let their sickness continue to contaminate your life!

aussiegirl

Hope to heal –

Hello and welcome. An “N” is Lovefraud shorthand for a Narcissist (Or Narcissistic Personality Disordered person). It often co-occurs with Sociopathy/Psychopathy/Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD).

Many professional use these 3 terms interchangeably; others insist that there are slight differences between the 3, but that they can also co-occur; still others say that Sociopathy is the same as Psychopathy but different from ASPD. Here at Lovefraud, sociopaths/psychopaths might be referred to as “S”s, as “spaths” or variations on that, or else “P”s.

Nicknames some of us use include “emotional vampires”, “soul suckers”, “dark souls”, or other terms denoting their deeply evil intentions and behaviours.

We have our own “made-up” terms as well: spathetic, spathy, spathdom and so on.

This is a good place for you to be to learn about these disordered individuals, how to spot the signs that they are disordered, how to avoid attracting their attention – and MOST IMPORTANTLY how to get rid of them from your life and start to heal.

Getting rid of them usually takes way longer than we think it’s going to – and longer than we would like it to. Dealing with the fallout after a run-in with one of these un-humans is not the same as dealing with a relationship breakdown with a normal person. The parameters are completely different and none of the normal psychobabble or advice works; we need to learn to do things very differently from everything we have been taught or have known previously.

Stick around and dredge the archives and you will see what we mean. Here’s a link for starters – http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/04/12/10-signs-that-youre-dating-a-sociopath/

stopcalvinthom

My turning point was when I realised he cared nothing for his children. My (our) son was 18 months old and was rushed to hospital with his first presentation of asthma. I sat waiting in emergency for 6 hours with him and was then rushed by ambulance to a children’s hospital for treatment. He nearly died. My husband did not turn up even though I had told him that our son had been rushed to hospital.
I had to spend the night with my son in the hospital and when I got home with him the next day I remember being so angry, so disappointed. For so long I thought he didn’t care for me and just put up with my husbands pathetic lies for my childrens sake. But this was my turning point. When I asked why he stayed at the football game instead of rushing to be with his son and he answered that I didn’t tell him he had to and that that was our arrangement. What arrangement? Your son could have stopped breathing forever that day. It was that point on that not only did I never believe a single word he told me but I began to investigate him myself and found out the real truth of what he had been up to whilst we were married and it was that day that I HATED the first person I have ever hated.

whoamI

After 14 years of marriage I left my SP husband after he choked me in front of our little son.
My son just watched.. not upset.. not crying just watched as if this was a normal day in our family life.
It woke me up. No child should see that and think its normal.

Had I not left, my husband would have eventually killed me.

He found the next victim within weeks and I am sure milked her for all she was worth too.

schnoodle64

My turning point? Over 7 years this was an on again-off again relationship. He would leave the relationship only to return a few months later with his “sob” story of how he can’t live without me. There were many lies and deceptions that took place over the 7 years but I believed him, because I wanted to believe that he felt the same about me as I felt about him. He was VERY convincing (acting), worthy of an Academy Award.

In August 2010, after he had come back into my life with all the “you’re the one I want to spend my life with”…”I have made decisions based on what other people (ex-wife) made me think”….”this time I am making a decision based on how I feel about you and that is I want to be with you”. I believed him. Why? I don’t know other than I was was sucked in my his charm and “sincerity” (or so I thought was sincere). We spent two weeks together that were fantastic. He was charming, doting on me, loving…… We went to the beach and spent all day there. We played in the water, made sand castles, wrote love notes to each other in the sand. It was wonderful. That was Saturday. The next day, Sunday, he texts me that it’s over. He has to be with his ex-wife. I was devastated. WTH? Where was all the love he had just professed the day before?

After crying beyond control, I called a man-friend. I cried to him and sobbed hysterically. Throughout that 3 hour long conversation, he was understanding and kind. At some point, he said to me “Schnoodle, this cat sounds like a psychopath”. I said, “he is not a serial killer”. But that word stuck with me. So the next day I looked up psychopath and found the book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”. I read it cover to cover in two days. I couldn’t put it down. Everything in that book described what my 7 years of hell have been. All the pieces came together. The Spath, although he said it was over and I never contacted him, he would text me, with “I miss you terribly”. BUT this time I had knowledge of what his BS really meant. “I MISS CONTROLLING YOU TERRIBLY”!

In early October 2010, I found Love Fraud and the stories from these men and women were so parallel to my own, it scared me. Especially the stories of the Spaths that tried to kill them. My relationship had not gotten to that point, but I did not want to be a suicide/murdered statistic or someone who completely lost her mind and ended up in the loony bin. On October 22, 2010, I went NC for good. I delved into counseling with a vengence. I vowed to myself that I was never going to let this individual control me. His mind games were no longer going to be a part of my life.

Since then I got together with my man-friend and we have been together since. This man treats me with respect, love and dignity. He is gentle, patient and kind and very understanding of what I have been through. We are both Christians and feel that God intervened through prayer.

As of today, now that I am emotionally stronger than I have ever been, I have filed a lawsuit against the Spath for the money he took from me. The best news is that I had him sign a contract for the money I loaned him. So I hope through garnishments I will retrieve what I lost. But NO AMOUNT OF MONEY is worth the peace of mind that I have now. So even if I lose the lawsuit, I truly have won in the end.

Even as late as last week, he sent me a text saying “Can you talk to me?” I have not nor will I ever respond to his texts. Again, I have the knowledge to understand what I am dealing with here and that is a manipulative, deceitful Spath who at one time controlled my every move, my every thought. NO MORE!

Jan2n2

I believe every victim has to arrive at that point on their own, and that point is different for each one of us. With me, it happened over time. But one significant event is very vivid in my mind. I had been having an extremely difficult time with one of my children from my previous marriage. My older daughter had been arrested in school for drug possession. I was completely devastated and an emotional wreck. The spath and I had 6 kids between us, from 10 to 20 and they all lived with us. I remember coming home from the precinct and being a mess. We had gone there together. (In hindsight I know he was only there by my side as a spectator, not a strong shoulder for me to lean on) I stood at the kitchen counter trying to pull myself together so that I could carry on and prepare dinner for everyone. He was with me, with his hand on my shoulder and the next he was gone. I didn’t even think anything of it. Till he arrived back in the kitchen minutes later. And the words that came out of his mouth, I will never forget. “I just went upstairs to thank John”, he said. John was his son, just a year younger than my daughter. “Thank John? For what?” I said. “For being the great kid that he is,” was his answer. I didn’t say a word. I don’t know if it was because I was still in a state of shock and despair over the crisis with my daughter or if it was because I was dumb-founded. I remember thinking….ok…so even if you feel that your child is somehow “better” than miine, and you felt the need to thank him for that….why in the world would you make that known to me? Especially seeing how distraught I was, especially since you are supposed to be my husband and care for me, not stab me in the heart. It was the most unsolicited rip through the heart I ever could imagine. Not because I would ever concieve that your kid was better than mine, nor that he thought that to be true. But the fact that he blatantly thru my heart to ground and stomped on it…..this came from the man that was supposed to be my “husband”. I never said a word to him about, but I filed it in my head. And from that moment on, I knew that I was only a pawn in his fantasy world of perfection. I stayed with him quite a while after that, but kept my distance emotionally. I bought the book “Malignant Self Love” and saw that he was a textbook case of narcissism. From then on, as I was literally able to “watch” him play his game on everyone around him. I relied on spiritual guidance and never ever allowed him to read me again. Emotionless, poker-face I had become. He tried for months to pull me back under his spell of b.s. I knew that the moment he realized that wasn’t going to happen…things would get worse and the he would be in full “discard” mode, but I prepared for it the best I could. Utimately, I beat him at his own game….long enough to get away…safely…..and with the means to start over without him.

doony62

My turning point was when my sociopath decided to meet another woman on the internet and left me high and dry immediately. No calls..no contact..cold turkey! This sociopath did me a favor actually, although I was grief stricken for a year..I finally woke up and realized he did me a favor by leavin! I feel so sorry for the woman he conned into marrying him in a matter of only 3 weeks of meeting him on a singles site on the internet and also having a kid with him now! Since they have bought a house, he has about 2 vehicles, a camper, etc…looks to me like he placed her in debt big time! I feel so sorry for her! I warned her in the beginning! All she said was thanks I think! I think she is STUCK now! I wish she would just reach out to me and say, “I wish I would have listened to you!”, but she isn’t yet! I kind of figured she would. She has a face book account and never gets on it anymore! I think he is controlling all her moves including the computer! He doesn’t want her to discover stuff on the computer like I busted him with! Man I hope she wakes up soon and realizes she is ruining her life with him! I feel so bad for her and feel so good I am out of it!!

blankspot

Like many have already said – which one?!?!!!

I’ll go with the most recent.

My turning point was when I’d begged him to tell me if he was having unprotected sex with other women. I knew he was having sex with other women, but I needed to know for sure if it was unprotected. Knowing him, it was, but I’d been having some “issues” and needed to know what to tell my doctor. He lied. And I wound up on antibiotics for 2 weeks.

I had several moments when I knew I had been conned…but I had to be ready to let go of all my worldly posessions, my business, my home to get away from this S…thank god I still had my kids. This S had me so entangled in his web that there was no other way out.Actually….he hasnt gone away completly…he is still making my life hell with a promissory note that he had me sign…and he had changed the first page from 15k to 150k. anyway…I always felt that I was being screwed…but the gaslighting does make you question yourself…Honestly, when I fell upon Lovefraud…I couldnt BELIEVE it….This was me! This has been whats happening to ME! I have entangled myself with a full blown SOCIOPATH! I always hear this and its true…I never knew such EVIL exsisted and now I know that I have looked into the eyes of the devil…the sociopathic stare…everything on this site has happened to my children and I…I read every reccommended book and saw myself again and again! Talk about taking someones innocence…and I thought I was street smart! and smashing it completely with a sledge hammer! I lost my home…business of 21 years that I had started at 27 yrs old, my car, mybaby pictures antiques everything1111 I dont blame myself anymore….I dont deserve to…I trusted satan in sheeps clothing…I am just sad for my children that I am on welfare now after we had traveled the world together…but they are healthy and amazing and I am sooooooo grateful for that. Thank you lovefraud…this is the place I go to…to recharge my will to go on and carry the load…..

Lykastia

I guess my real turning point when was he asked me to send him more money, which I didn’t have anymore. I refused and he insisted but I held my ground.

But prior to that, I had many, many moments where I would tell myself that I couldn’t send him money because my bank account was almost empty and I was sick and tired of running back and forth to the bank and then to Western Union to send the money. I was just exhausted and running on empty but, like an idiot, I was still doing it.

There was also the moment where I figured out that he gave me a home address that turned out to be a car dearlership. He succeeded in making me believe that he didn’t want me to know his real home address because (supposedly), his ex-wife had previously tried to take the house from him and he didn’t want me to do the same thing. I used to work in real estate at that time and my boss (who was a broker) told me that that would have been an impossible thing to do since his ex would’ve needed his signature to claim the house. Yet, I didn’t tell my spath to go to hell at that time. I wanted to but I also wanted him to give me my money back so I kept talking to him via email and messenger. All for naught…

Note that I never actually met him face to face, as opposed to most women here. I was totally and utterly played by a man I never met and was never going to meet.

A few weeks after the whole thing was finished, I started researching his email address and found out through the IP address that while he was telling me he was in Ohio, he actually was in Ghana the whole time. He had told me he was in Ghana but there were times when we were communicating that he told me he was in Ohio and getting ready to fly to Ghana. But he was there already…what a fool I’ve been. It’s been three years now and I still can’t believe I gave him all my money even though I knew almost from the start that something was wrong with the whole thing. How could someone who claimed to be a millionnaire not be able to pay for whatever he was buying in Ghana and ask me for money instead?

lostforever

My turning point was when my ex woke me up in the middle of the night and abused me and asked me to get out of the house. He hadnt been speaking to me for two days and neither would he give me any explanation. Initially i begged him to let me stay but he continued hitting me, so i started leaving. He then stopped me and said something like “Dont go now. What would people say?”.

Thats when i realized that he is insane. I left after a few days without telling him. That was my turning point.

original13

I’m reading & crying. My turning point came 1-1-2011. This Maligment N through me in jail for domestic violence, moved, stopped paying all the bills. While he promotes his two books on the radio/tv/newspapers. Bench trail found me NOT GUILTY, now he blames my one witness, the neighbor. He filed divorce but says he dosen’t want it, just wants the good Gina back. He moved me 30 miles from everyone I know, & I have $27.00 in my bank, down to 102 lbs. After 7 years, I realized I have found my turning point. It’s like a bomb going off inside, YOU ARE ALL DESCRIBING HIM! The best part? His books could be used for examining the mind of a psychopath. If you look up Dr. John Telford on face book, he’s all about himself. I will survive because I’ve found this site. Thank you! Blessings & prayers to you all!

WiserForHavingKnownHim

My turning point was when my sociopath beat me up and threatened to kill me. When I saw the pictures of myself and knowing what a strong woman I once was, I was devastated. It made me realize what he had reduced me to.

Understand however that I was already breaking up with him when the abuse occurred. Prior to this he hadn’t really displayed much violent behavior towards me. Meaning He’d through something but lots of people throw things when they are angry… I chalked it up to the guy fit throwing thing I I had witnessed many men display growing up.

I had broken up with him many times before but this time I meant it and I think that is what provoked the violence. He wasn’t going to be able to manipulate me any longer.

I won’t be physically or psychologically abused another day of my life. I found strength within myself. No one rescued me. No one can really rescue those whom do not wish to be rescued. I ignored every warning and every friend I had. I alienated myself from my family and close friends. It was only me who finally saw and made the change.

Good luck and I hope your Daughter learns her own value and breaks free…

bluejay

original13,

I am sorry what you have gone through (no-one deserves all the rubbish that these people throw our way), but you’ll come out the other end, a stronger, improved You. You will make it. Good riddance to the sociopath (the heartless one). Read the articles, helping yourself know what you’re dealing with, arming yourself with knowledge (and power). It will not be an easy journey, but you are SO much better off without a disordered person in your life. Peace.

Michael

My turning point was after I got out of jail. Being a rather naive person and not the best reader of people I let things go longer than they should. Finally, I said “I can’t do this anymore, I want a divorce”; soon after that she punched herself, then secretly went to the hospital to get it recorded. I had seen so much crazy stuff I just let the punching thing go. It was more of the same (like opening the car door on the interstate at 70MPH, etc,etc). 2 weeks later when I decided to not come home for the night (because of her craziness) she called 911 on my return. She knew this 8 month marriage was divorce-bound. I ended up going to jail for the first time in my life; for something I did not do. Cops didn’t care, they always believe the women in domestic incidents.

After I got out of jail, my brother did an online search and located her. A call to the first husband provided more insight. She was married to a 2nd husband, which I knew nothing of. I called the 2nd husband and learned the horrific time he had with her. She pulled the same stunts on him as she did me. Put him in jail, took over his home and robbed him of his possessions. He told me she once “put Lysol on his steak and served it to him”, After her 2nd DUI he disengaged his car so she could not drive it. “She smashed all the windows and pulled the wires from the engine”. I strongly believe she poisoned me and my handicapped daughter too. Luckily, I’m out. My guess is she’s onto her next prey. Since our divorce she has filed bankruptcy and will lose her home to foreclosure on 3/24.

original13

Thank you, you are admired,& appreciated more than you know! I pray for us all ALL! Again THANK YOU! I’m looking forward to moving from this beautiful lake house, finding a job (former flight attendant) & rehearsing in a play for May (thank God for bottle returns, I need the gas). One day at a time, & sometimes, it is one second at a time. I feel like I’m trying to stay focused. Forcing myself to eat right now, but I’m keeping this site on the screen. Really, BLESS YOU!

purewaters3

Realizing he was a threat to my daughter, and pregnancy (my son), and was completely void of empathy for that was my breaking point.

I had carted him around, picked him up, dealt with so much physical, sexual, verbal abuse – but, when I realized he would abuse kids, too… that was it.

I couldn’t excuse that.

original13

Michael, it was my first time in jail too. WOW! I know it was an experience that woke you up, like me, but poison? These people are walking dead dust, missing a spirit. They are like a body without a soul, a mind without a heart. WHY ARE THEY HERE? I feel now that there are two kinds of people in the World, these Nuts & US. Aliens on earth? The Devils child? they wreak havoc and they are everywhere. My eyes are WIDE OPEN. I’m feeling your pain , please stay focused.

silvermoon

I found a poem by Diane Wakoski that seems to reflect the emotions of the turning point- where ever it occurs….

God damn it,
at last I am going to dance on your grave,
old man;
you’ve stepped on my shadow once too often,
you’ve been unfaithful to me with other women,
women so cheap and insipid it psychs me out to think I might
ever
be put
in the same category with them;
you’ve left me alone so often that I might as well have been
a homesteader in Alaska
these past years;
and you’ve left me, thrown me out of your life
often enough
that I might as well be a newspaper,
differently discarded each day.
Now you’re gone for good
and I don’t know why
but your leaving actually made me as miserable
as an earthworm with no
earth,
but now I’ve crawled out of the ground where you stomped me
and I gradually stand taller and taller each
day.
I have learned to sing new songs,
and as I sing,
I’m going to dance on your grave
because you are
dead
dead
dead
under the earth with the rest of the shit,
I’m going to plant deadly nightshade
on your grassy mound
and make sure a hemlock tree starts growing there.
Henbane is too good for you,
but I’ll let a bit grow there for good measure
because we want to dance,
we want to sing,
we want to throw this old man
to the wolves,
but they are too beautiful for him, singing in harmony
with each other.
So some white wolves and I
will sing on your grave, old man
and dance for the joy of your death.
“Is this an angry statement?”
“No, it is a statement of joy.”
“Will the sun shine again?”
“Yes,
yes,
yes,”
because I’m going to dance dance dance
Duncan’s measure, and Pindar’s tune,
Lorca’s cadence, and Creeley’s hum,
Stevens’ sirens and Williams’ little Morris dance,
oh, the poets will call the tune,
and I will dance, dance, dance
on your grave, grave, grave,
because you’re a sonofabitch, a sonofabitch,
and you tried to do me in,
but you cant cant cant.
You were a liar in a way that only I know:
You ride a broken motorcycle,
You speak a dead language
You are a bad plumber,
And you write with an inkless pen.
You were mean to me,
and I’ve survived,
God damn you,
at last I am going to dance on your grave,
old man,
I’m going to learn every traditional dance,
every measure,
and dance dance dance on your grave
one step
for every time
you done me wrong.
Diane Wakoski

newlife40

First of all I truly value everyone’s comments. It continues to baffle me of the number of people affected by the actions of a sociopath. I always thought I was the “only one”. I guess it’s easy to feel that way when you feel nothing but lonliness with a spath. I thank GOD for all of y’all.

So what way my turning point??

I agree with what many others have said prior to me. It wasn’t really one thing, it was a combination of things that drove me to a breaking point. The truth is my spath was so flipp’n predictable. The last episode I experienced with him I was able to clearly see his behavior turn, his actions become “less kind”. I wasn’t so beautiful anymore, and all his gratitude for me giving him another chance (5th, or 6th chance. I can’t remember) went out the window. I think my being more aware was the result of counceling I had actively begun about a year prior, right after one of his leaving episodes.

I can clearly remember one night last summer, probably about a month or so before he left, he was clearly trying to start an argument with me. I was confused, as I normally was dealing with him. I keep asking him what was wrong and he ignored me. When I finally left him alone, he attacked me verbally saying “F u Bitch!”, while holding our 4 yr old. I remember not only feeling confused, but humilated as well. My 4 yr old also had confusion written all over her face which made me feel sick to my stomach.

The truth is he was beginning to look for his out then. The mortgage, which was already behind due to his leaving several times before was about to be due, as well, he was about to get his school loans, therefore; he wasn’t going to need me anymore. This was his routine, and I knew it. Well, I knew it this time. It took a very, very long time. I always found my spath’s behavior to be very confusing so it was hard for me to grasp that he meant all the things he did. I think that is what kept causing me to allow him to return. I remember thinking over and over, he couldn’t possible mean all the mean hateful things he said to me, all the affairs he has had, leaving me not only once, but several times in financial distress.

Unfortunately I had to accept he did mean it, all of it, all of it but the “I love you so much” part, and all the fabricated promises. He was a big, fat liar that said and did whatever he had too to make sure he was taken care of.

So long story short…he became so bizzare and scary, for a lack of better words, I became very uncomfortable in his presence. The last night he was in my home I remember his ignoring me after giving him sex. Yes, I was still having sex with him. That was one of the things I could do to keep peace for a bit. It didn’t work this time. He paced through the house all night, at one point he woke me putting his arms around me suggesting more sex. I pushed him away. He got up and paced some more. Keep in mind I had to be at work this next morning. He didn’t. He hadn’t worked in months.

When I awoke in the morning, I took the dog out, and he followed me wanting to talk. He approached me with what I was going to do to make the relationship work. This is what he would do when he was trying to get out. I knew it! I told him I wasn’t going to talk about it and he should do whatever he felt he needed to do. I walked away, and he followed me. When I didn’t give him the response he was looking for he punched the wall, waking one of my kids. He was so out of control and I was able to see it in his eyes. I was able to see it clearer than ever before.

I went ahead got ready for work and left. By the time I came home for lunch, which I did daily, the house appeared as if a tornado went through it. He not only packed up his things, but took every gift he had bought me. Even the make-up gifts for his previous leaving. I remember standing still and looking around me and thinking…O-M-G, here we go again, however; after that thought, I felt some relief. While standing there, he walked in. I don’t think he expected me to be there. He went from casting blame, too, I will stay if you tell me things are going to change, too, being angry and neurotic. It was all so overwhelming but for the first time, I said NO! I cannot do this. This is crazy, this is insane and I cannot do it! Was I scared? Scared to freak’n death. Have you every heard of the saying you can jump and trust that GOD will catch you, or perhaps he will give you wings to fly? I’m sure I said that wrong but I remember thinking that to myself at that very moment. I jumped and even felt my stomach drop.

I wish I could say it has been easy but that isn’t even possible with a spath. He has picked and poked at me in every way possible. It has been very difficult having a child with him. It plays a role with keeping us connected. I hate that, but I love our daughter.

Here’s the thing. It will take what it takes. It does for everyone. Your daughter will have to hit a bottom of her own and she very well may end up in the worst financial circumstances possible. That is what happens to many of us. The personality and the behavior of a sociopath is by far the most complicated ordeal I have ever, and I mean ever, had to deal with. The truth is I loved him and wanted us to simply be a family. A sociopath isn’t capable of that but presents the image that is so convincing, it is hard to believe otherwise.

Just try to be there for her and remind her that you love her. I didn’t have many people in my life at the end due to the relationship. The one’s that remained faithful to me I have more gratitude for than words can express. Although I didn’t listen much at first to them, I retained information they told me which played a huge role in my jouney of recovering from this experience. God Bless!

agreenbean

i sensed from day 1 he wasn’t “right”, but i didn’t know why and i felt terrible for his abusive upbringing and failed marriage. there were a million signs along the way. but i think the one that sticks with me the most is when a friend of mine suddenly passed away and i was in shock. when it finally hit me and i started to cry, instead of comforting me, he yelled at me telling me we should’ve had a stronger bond by now that i wouldn’t have taken so long to show my emotions. i had to apologize to him before he patted me on the head like a dog while i cried about the loss of someone i’d known for over a decade.
i still didn’t leave, but that was the point i knew i had to find a way to. and i guess he sensed that, he and left first.

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