By Ox Drover
Many people think of the term “judging others” in a negative way. I think a lot of this comes from the Biblical admonition found in which Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). Matthew 7:2-5 says, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” What Jesus was condemning here was hypocritical, self-righteous judgments of others.
I frequently hear others say, “Well, I’m not judging him ”¦” when they talk about how someone they know has done something that is less than morally upright. When I was a young person in this community of mostly Scots-Irish Protestants, people were frequently “judged” or compared to community standards of behavior. If a woman or girl had a child out of wedlock, she was judged for doing so. She was held up to a standard of behavior that she had publicly failed to meet. Her child, unfortunately, was also “judged” because of the mother’s behavior. In fact, I have a friend who was born of an adulterous affair, and “everyone” knew who her father was, and though no one was nasty to her face, my friend still grew up feeling “judged” as a “bastard.” She had a “rough” childhood and adolescence, which included drug use, and early, promiscuous sexual behavior as a result of her feeling judged. Fortunately, she was able to pull herself out of her downward spiral, escape the vicious psychopath that she married. (He was charged with killing his mistress’s husband in a cold-blooded, execution-style murder.) My friend escaped from this man, married a good man, and has managed to raise her own daughter as a “good kid.” She has also managed to salvage her self-esteem and her place in the community as a well-liked and respected member of this community
What is “judging” exactly? What is fair judgment, and what is unfair judgment? Well, to me, “judging” what a person thinks or “reading their mind” is “magical thinking” and it is not possible to do fairly. No matter what people do, I can’t really know what they were thinking. One of the things that frustrated me the most in dealing with this “mind reading” was the gaslighting my egg donor did when she excused herself for lying to me by saying that if she had told me the truth I would have been so upset I would have “thrown a fit” because she loaned money to the psychopath my son had sent to infiltrate our family. I was so upset at the time that she presumed to be able to “read my mind” and I swore to her that I would not have “thrown a fit.” But how do you prove a negative when someone presumes to be able to read your mind and predict your behavior?
Mind reading and behavior prediction, based upon the ability to magically read one’s mind, is unfair judgment. It is, I think what Jesus was condemning in Matt 7:1 “Judge not least ye be judged.” However, showing discernment in our observations is not the kind of “judgment” that Jesus was condemning. James 3:11-12 says (11) Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? (12) Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives or a grapevine bear figs? No spring yields both salt water and fresh. The author James is showing us here that we ought to be able to discern things that are right and good versus things that are bad by observation, not mind-reading ”¦ and that we should be able to see that a grapevine should bear grapes, and a fig tree figs, not the other way around. We ought to be able to look at a person’s “fruit” (behavior) and tell what that person is.
When we deal with a psychopath, many times they wear a “mask” to cover up what they are doing; they tell lies to throw us off the track. We aren’t perfect ourselves, and we know that we aren’t perfect, so we try not to “judge” others to a standard of perfection which we ourselves cannot reach. However, by trying to be empathetic to others and to not “judge” them, when we know ourselves not to be perfect, we sometimes go to the other extreme of not holding others to any standard of behavior at all. We calm ourselves by telling ourselves we are not “judging” this person, when in fact, we are overlooking their obvious bad behavior that repeats itself over and over and over.
While it may be comforting for us to think that there “is good in everyone” and that “even the worst person can change,” there are people who are quite satisfied to use and abuse others like objects or possessions, who actually obtain glee from using others.
Psychopathy isn’t “diagnosed” by one bad deed, or even two or three bad deeds, but is seen as a longstanding pattern of abusive behavior and an attitude of entitlement. Many times this bad behavior is masked behind a layer of “addiction” to drugs or alcohol, so that we may think that “if only he didn’t drink/drug” he would be fine, but this is “judging” in the wrong direction, by giving the person the benefit of the doubt about why they drink/drug. Judging in favor of someone (mind reading) about why they do bad acts is just as dangerous as mind reading the other direction and blaming someone for thoughts that you have magically put in their heads.
We need, as healthy individuals, to be able to discern behavior as abusive and to avoid the person who does these abusive things repeatedly, and to be able to judge/discern that person as an unhealthy individual for us to associate with. The reason doesn’t matter why they are unhealthy, and it really doesn’t matter if they qualify clinically as a psychopath or not, they are not healthy for us. The relationship drags us down.
The Biblical or social admonition to “judge not” doesn’t condemn us to being stupid to the point that we observe not, or that we fail to condemn bad behavior in either ourselves or others. We are expected to use our conscience to monitor our own behavior and when we fail to live up to the standard that we have set for ourselves we should feel “guilt” which tells us, “don’t do that again.” By the same token, we should also be able to see that the behavior of someone else is hurtful to us or others, and is not the kind of behavior that we would allow ourselves to do, so we are not obligated to tolerate it from someone else.
The bottom line is that if we don’t think that someone else’s behavior is something we would think is “okay to do,” then we do not have to allow that behavior or that person to affect our lives. If you won’t lie and cheat, don’t tolerate someone who does. If you wouldn’t steal, don’t tolerate someone who does. Stand up and say, “it is wrong to lie and steal, it is wrong to cheat. I won’t do that, and I won’t tolerate that.” That does not make you a “judgmental person,” it makes you a wise person. It makes you a discerning person. It makes you a healthy person.
Yeah, I know Ox Drover, asking them just gets me dragged around the block again.
I had an easier time with relationships as kid. If some kid was vicious towards me I stayed away.
If a friend was mean to me and I couldn’t work it out with this friend, I found a new friend.
Why did I have the skills in 2nd grade and not as a adult….
Thank you Ox, I enjoyed reading your article as it made a lot sense to me. I must say that time and time again, I refused to let go of the spath because he claimed he had finally seen the light and had changed his ways once he started attending church regularly, however, i noticed that he had not changed. He was still lying and cheating and stealing, I was raised in a Christian environment and were told not to judge anyone and to forgive as we have been forgiven. My spath was still the same person and I kept waiting for the change to come and stayed because I wanted to be the one enjoying this new person — duh. One day I realized that he has always pretended to like what I like and did what I did, church was not different. What is worse is that he knew another way to make me feel bad if I said or did something by saying “that is not very Christian of you” or “who are you to judge”…. It got to the point that I didnt want to go to church with him because of his acting and he “didnt allow” me to go to church alone. I dont feel bad anymore for judging him based on my personal experience.
Dear Ox Drover,
I know the wisdom that you have was hard earned, but I also see how generous you are with that gift. Thank you so much.
You have phenomenal keen insight on the topic, and truthfully you aren’t the only person with so many of these people in their life- you are unique in that you have chosen to live in reality, even when that means living a life that’s not seen as “normal”. I can not even begin to express how significant that is to me. I have often had people excuse my BM’s treatment of me, for fear that I might become “strange” if I admit what’s really happening.
In fact, when all the crap with our house sale was hitting the fan, it just so happened that a friend of mine just started a bible study and wanted me to come to it. Well it was a very emotionally volatile time for me, as I was coming to terms not only with BM’s evil potential, but also with my father’s naivety AND the belief that he was my hero was being totally decimated. That was a hard fall emotionally for me. . ..at any rate this bible study had a time at the end for prayer requests.
I told them that my husband and I were considering to move, given the circumstances that a very evil person was making an attempt to live next door to us. One woman in the group told me it might be God’s will for me to minister to my mother. I told her that God’s will was for me to proactively protect my family like Joseph and Mary did when Herod was coming after their precious child. I suggested she might want my BM’s phone number so SHE could minister to her. .at which point she refused, but I thought very telling. Finally I had the guts to speak against that deceitful demonic spirit that says: You have no value, you must submit to evil, you are not worth protecting, you have no rights, etc. Even though it made for a very awkward “prayer time”, I knew I couldn’t let that crap slide anymore. No more allowing other Christians to “shame” me into denial. REALITY in that situation is not pretty, but it’s GOOD. Living in reality I believe is the number one antidote to neurosis- and frankly they can keep their neurosis for themselves, I have a family to protect and cherish- a life to LIVE, and a purpose to fulfill. My only regret is that it took me so long, 29 years old, to finally see what effects my BM and father had on me. I know that I am so lucky to have ever seen it, and equally lucky to be able to be cognitive enough to do something about it, and to see clearly, but those extra years past 18 seem so wasted in the time warp of drama and soap opera style gunk. I imagine that Joseph felt like his time was wasted while he was in prison after the whole Potipher’s wife thing. . . . so at least it comforts me to know that I am not alone. . .but man. ..to realize that I was living in an emotional concentration camp and didn’t even know I had the power to leave- THAT messes with me on it’s own. I imagine many people stay in sick situations just so they don’t have to wrestle with the feelings that I am wrestling with now.
God Bless you too Ox Drover. So glad to know that somebody UNDERSTANDS what I’m coming out of.
Dear Babydoll and Alina,
“emotional concentration camp, and didn’t even know I could leave.” WOW!!! That’s some heavy duty words chile! Yep, been in that same gulag !
People who consider themselves “Christians” sometimes take words, phrases, or concepts, I think completely out of context like news clips and try to make whole stories out of them.
Jesus advised against “mind reading” (translated as “judging”) but he also advised FOR “observation” (translated as “judging”) when we SAW a tree producing rotten fruit we knew the TREE WAS BAD….if we saw a fig tree producing grapes we knew something was wrong!
Joseph, inn prison, forgave his brothers, (was no longer bitter at them) but when they did show up decades later he STILL DID NOT TRUST THEM until he had TESTED THEM to find out what kind of men they had become during that time.
Some people can read that story and think that the things he did to them, PLANTING EVIDENCE OF THEFT IN THEIR BELONGINGS, putting one brother in prison until the brothers brought back his younger brother Benjamin with them on the next trip, etc. was “revenge.” Nope, it was TESTING them, pretty harshly, but to see if they had changed from when they sold him into slavery. He saw that even under such harsh and terrible treatment that they would sacrifice their own lives or freedoms to protect their father from losing Benjamin as well as Joseph (whom the old man thought was dead). Joseph saw they had changed, and then he identified himself to them.
Babydoll, don’t view the “time” as wasted, it is time that you needed to be ready to carry the weight of the baggage.
In the book, the “Hiding Place” by carrie ten Boom (I suggest that you read this book BTW) she asks her father to answer a question for her and she is a child and he knows she can’t really understand the answer at the age she is so he tells her to pick up his tool case, and she says “it’s too heavy I can’t carry it” and her father says “I can carry it until you are big enough to carry it.That’s what father’s do. When you are big enough and strong enough God will give you the answer, but until then, He will carry it.”
So we may wish we had found the answer sooner, and not “wasted” so much time, but the reality is that God won’t give us a task until we are big enough and strong enough to carry it. So God’s timing is not our timing, so really nothing is wasted at all.
Those people who try to advise us on how to deal with a psychopath, who try to guilt us into accepting abuse because it comes from a relative, etc., are not following the teachings of the Bible as I see them.
You are not alone BabyDoll, and there are other Christians and people of goodwill who understand where you have been with the abuse. I am glad that you have escaped and are healing. It takes time, but forgiving (getting the bitterness out of our hearts) does NOT mean we have to trust them again, or give them another opportunity to hurt us. Your analogy of Joseph and Mary fleeing the King was a good one. God bless.
Oxy, actually, how quick someone judges is not just brought about by values given to you as you were raised. It is actually part of temperament, the personality part people are born with. I’m someone who naturally delays decision making (on every aspect in my life) and that includes judging people. I learn by watching and feeling and want to keep my options open. I had this as a toddler already, and my mom witnessed this natural inclination then. But once I judge and decide, I will never come back on it.
i was reading this article and thinking aloud in my head,”Yes, yes!” A truly great one Oxy, i think especially in our society we’re always self-conscious of judging other people, even if that means watching out for ourselves in association with that person. We shouldn’t feel bad for doing so, and I say this knowing full well I’ve been guilty of this myself ( feeling bad about judging ). It all really ties into listening to your intuition too, I believe. If we don’t like the way someone is acting or behaving, we should give ourselves the ability to make our choice as to whether or not the person is worth associating with.
I know during the beginning when I first got involved with the last P, I always felt this nagging feeling, even when I first went to meet the P I felt uneasy about going anywhere with him. I suppressed that “lightbulb of intuition” however, and thought “I should just give him a chance.” ( I didn’t want to be a “judgemental” person, you see. ) That was the worst choice I could have made. Even before meeting him he was unusually persistent ( for example, wanting to add me on facebook before i’d even had met him! Can you say creepy? Later of course I found he’d gleaned certain things from my facebook to “mirror” me… and I’m not even exaggerating this. typical. ) I appreciate that you made the discernment between judging in watching out for ourselves and “magical thinking”. We have an internal wisdom that we really ought to pay more attention to, I think ignoring it is the biggest mistake we can make, and we oft have a hefty sum to pay in the consequences.
Dancing, I AM a judgmental person….I observe how someone acts and don’t make excuses for it….if their “fruit is rotten” then I figure the tree “ain’t no good” either! LOL My ability to protect myself means that I must watch out for predators…the snakes in the grass that really are snakes and the snakes in the grass that walk on two legs…either kind can bite you! When people are behaving in a dishonest way, a nasty way, a hateful way, I am going to make a judgment about their behavior.
I can’t read someone’s mind, but I can observe how they act, and usually how someone acts is what is going on within their mind and heart. So if someone is acting “hateful” or “hurtful” then I can judge that behavior is not what I want in my life….and if that is their way of behaving, I don’t need them in my life either.
If others accuse me or judge me as being a “judgmental” person, that is okay. I accept that title…but I am a lot safer for it in the end, I think. Glad you liked the article.
Darwin’s mom,
I try not to be QUICK to judge either, but at the same time, I also try not to allow bad behavior to go on very long without taking note of it. I’m also not usually willing to go back on my judgment once it is made either. I’m no longer much on 2nd and 3rd and 4th etc chances….either. I’m not totally unwilling to restore trust in someone but it is much more difficult to restore trust when something dishonest has been done. People have to earn my trust from the get go now, and as far as re-earning trust once it has been shattered….that’s a pretty high mountain to climb now and someone has to be pretty willing to work hard at it.
Thank you Ox for this article. This is exactly what i did when i met my spath. Excused his criminal record and looked past his ‘previous’drug addiction. Little did i know that he was still using drugs. Everything he said he wasnt he in fact was. He blamed all his ‘past’bad deeds on drugs and poor parenting. Got me with the typical pity ploy. I didnt want to judge him based on his past until i learned nothing had changed. Dealing with these spaths changes your whole life and perspectives. I hate i let my guard down and accepted him. When they show you who they are we must believe them. He was a horrible petson with bad character. He used whoever was in his favor at the moment. Even used his daughter to get mebavk during one of many break ups. Wtf? Will he ever realize how evil he is?