By Ox Drover
Many people think of the term “judging others” in a negative way. I think a lot of this comes from the Biblical admonition found in which Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). Matthew 7:2-5 says, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” What Jesus was condemning here was hypocritical, self-righteous judgments of others.
I frequently hear others say, “Well, I’m not judging him ”¦” when they talk about how someone they know has done something that is less than morally upright. When I was a young person in this community of mostly Scots-Irish Protestants, people were frequently “judged” or compared to community standards of behavior. If a woman or girl had a child out of wedlock, she was judged for doing so. She was held up to a standard of behavior that she had publicly failed to meet. Her child, unfortunately, was also “judged” because of the mother’s behavior. In fact, I have a friend who was born of an adulterous affair, and “everyone” knew who her father was, and though no one was nasty to her face, my friend still grew up feeling “judged” as a “bastard.” She had a “rough” childhood and adolescence, which included drug use, and early, promiscuous sexual behavior as a result of her feeling judged. Fortunately, she was able to pull herself out of her downward spiral, escape the vicious psychopath that she married. (He was charged with killing his mistress’s husband in a cold-blooded, execution-style murder.) My friend escaped from this man, married a good man, and has managed to raise her own daughter as a “good kid.” She has also managed to salvage her self-esteem and her place in the community as a well-liked and respected member of this community
What is “judging” exactly? What is fair judgment, and what is unfair judgment? Well, to me, “judging” what a person thinks or “reading their mind” is “magical thinking” and it is not possible to do fairly. No matter what people do, I can’t really know what they were thinking. One of the things that frustrated me the most in dealing with this “mind reading” was the gaslighting my egg donor did when she excused herself for lying to me by saying that if she had told me the truth I would have been so upset I would have “thrown a fit” because she loaned money to the psychopath my son had sent to infiltrate our family. I was so upset at the time that she presumed to be able to “read my mind” and I swore to her that I would not have “thrown a fit.” But how do you prove a negative when someone presumes to be able to read your mind and predict your behavior?
Mind reading and behavior prediction, based upon the ability to magically read one’s mind, is unfair judgment. It is, I think what Jesus was condemning in Matt 7:1 “Judge not least ye be judged.” However, showing discernment in our observations is not the kind of “judgment” that Jesus was condemning. James 3:11-12 says (11) Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? (12) Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives or a grapevine bear figs? No spring yields both salt water and fresh. The author James is showing us here that we ought to be able to discern things that are right and good versus things that are bad by observation, not mind-reading ”¦ and that we should be able to see that a grapevine should bear grapes, and a fig tree figs, not the other way around. We ought to be able to look at a person’s “fruit” (behavior) and tell what that person is.
When we deal with a psychopath, many times they wear a “mask” to cover up what they are doing; they tell lies to throw us off the track. We aren’t perfect ourselves, and we know that we aren’t perfect, so we try not to “judge” others to a standard of perfection which we ourselves cannot reach. However, by trying to be empathetic to others and to not “judge” them, when we know ourselves not to be perfect, we sometimes go to the other extreme of not holding others to any standard of behavior at all. We calm ourselves by telling ourselves we are not “judging” this person, when in fact, we are overlooking their obvious bad behavior that repeats itself over and over and over.
While it may be comforting for us to think that there “is good in everyone” and that “even the worst person can change,” there are people who are quite satisfied to use and abuse others like objects or possessions, who actually obtain glee from using others.
Psychopathy isn’t “diagnosed” by one bad deed, or even two or three bad deeds, but is seen as a longstanding pattern of abusive behavior and an attitude of entitlement. Many times this bad behavior is masked behind a layer of “addiction” to drugs or alcohol, so that we may think that “if only he didn’t drink/drug” he would be fine, but this is “judging” in the wrong direction, by giving the person the benefit of the doubt about why they drink/drug. Judging in favor of someone (mind reading) about why they do bad acts is just as dangerous as mind reading the other direction and blaming someone for thoughts that you have magically put in their heads.
We need, as healthy individuals, to be able to discern behavior as abusive and to avoid the person who does these abusive things repeatedly, and to be able to judge/discern that person as an unhealthy individual for us to associate with. The reason doesn’t matter why they are unhealthy, and it really doesn’t matter if they qualify clinically as a psychopath or not, they are not healthy for us. The relationship drags us down.
The Biblical or social admonition to “judge not” doesn’t condemn us to being stupid to the point that we observe not, or that we fail to condemn bad behavior in either ourselves or others. We are expected to use our conscience to monitor our own behavior and when we fail to live up to the standard that we have set for ourselves we should feel “guilt” which tells us, “don’t do that again.” By the same token, we should also be able to see that the behavior of someone else is hurtful to us or others, and is not the kind of behavior that we would allow ourselves to do, so we are not obligated to tolerate it from someone else.
The bottom line is that if we don’t think that someone else’s behavior is something we would think is “okay to do,” then we do not have to allow that behavior or that person to affect our lives. If you won’t lie and cheat, don’t tolerate someone who does. If you wouldn’t steal, don’t tolerate someone who does. Stand up and say, “it is wrong to lie and steal, it is wrong to cheat. I won’t do that, and I won’t tolerate that.” That does not make you a “judgmental person,” it makes you a wise person. It makes you a discerning person. It makes you a healthy person.
Dear farwronged,
If he did realize it, he would not care. He thinks all problems are caused by others, never by himself or his behavior. No way to learn from that attitude.
Glad you liked the article.
Great article. I learned even more from reading this. I feel I am getting stronger and stronger.
Dear eb92044, that is the thing, Knowledge is power and the more we learn the stronger we get….a single hair is not very strong, but you can braid them into rope that is stronger than steel…so each little bit of knowledge we add to our store makes us stronger until we can lift the world! Keep on learing! ((hiugs)))
Oxy and Skylar
I’ve been reading your posts. I can’t understand mechanical/cottter pin things, so hard to follow your exchange.
Sky, something you said just really terrified me – when you said that they plan these things for decades.
I suspect my spath wants to kill me (with a gun). I’m learning to rely on my intuition, and I know, I know, I know I’m right.
What do I do?
Superkid,
most spaths love the art of the con. They love devious mechinations. Killing someone is usually not enough, there has to be a fiendish twist. Usually it involves a patsy getting blamed and they get away scot free to kill again. That’s why I don’t think he will kill you with a gun.
So, in my mind the best way to prevent being murdered by a spath, is to let them know that they can’t get away with it. They need to know that if you die, they will be the prime suspect. You should have video surveillance, both overt and covert in your home and outside. You should always carry a recorder so that any conversations (should he show up) with him are recorded. If there is any opportunity, such as him showing up and being aggressive, you should get a restraining order. In it you should state that you believe that he is capable of murdering you or hiring someone to murder you, because of his desire for revenge because you left him – or something to that effect. make sure you cover different ways you could die.
I don’t know about your spath but mine liked accidents and suicide the best. He was working on poisoning me, to death, but had not quite finessed that yet. You know with the autopsy and all. So he was telling everyone that I was suicidal so that then he could say, “Waaaaa!!! I TOLD everyone she was sick, but nobody LISTENED! I begged for help!!! WAAAAA!! now I’m a grieving widower!! WAAAAA!!!”
I know this because he actually said that to my parents and the suicide prevention hot line, – all except the widower part because, it hadn’t happened yet.
Tell me more about why you think he is plotting?
Also, try not to be fearful, because it doesn’t help. Fear is only meant to alert you of danger, but it’s not much help in combatting it.
Skylar
I do know he’s thinking about killing me.
Initially he blamed the job loss on me “what are you doing to me”. He has not found a new job. . His last email was polite. I got the distinct impression that it was part of the con, the lie, being nice when he is actually RAGING inside.
I am SO DAMNED GLAD I didn’t listen to my therapist. She wanted me to delete all his emails. I haven’t done that.
I hope he gives me reason for a restraining order. That way I can get it on public record. But I doubt that will happen.
I don’t know what else to do. I couldn’t sleep last night.
I can’t believe you were poisoned.
Superkid
Oxy, I hope you did not take my little post as a critique. I only wanted to stipulate that the ability to judge quickly is an innate one, not only environmental. Both personality types have their advantages and their weaknesses.
People who are less quick to judge in everyday life are natural talents for brainstorm sessions, where it is forbidden to judge during the session. And while they have a talent of overseeing every angle of every possible decision, this makes them handicapped when it comes to situations where decisiveness is highly needed. On the opposite side, there are people who are natural decision makers. However they can stifle initiative in others and miss opportunities. The first type will have to learn in life to make decisions quicker when it is appropriate to do so. The latter will have to learn to fight the urge to cut the knot when it is still time to gather info and assess the possibilities and situation.
While I have learned to make snap decisions in panic situations as a tourleader, I am now learning to make quicker decisions about people in general because of the spath experience.
I suspect that most of us are naturally open-minded people. Culture, religion and environment upbringing emphasised this trait for us when it comes to social decision making. But we got burned severely because of it, and have experienced its draws. You are absolutely right that judging others when it comes to how they can negatively affect us is very defendable. And the quicker we can judge their negative influence, the less we will be negativelly affected by it.
Superkid,
What Sky’s ex apparently did (and I have searched the official Federal Aviation Agency records and the National Transportation Board’s on line records of aircraft accidents and their causes is to take the pins out that held in the doors of the helicopter the guy was in. They are tiny pins that would keep the bolt that held the door on from slipping out, they are a safety measure. It would be almost a zillion-to-one odds that both pins would be out, or that the bolts would be ACCIDENTLY in upside down, much less both. The bolts held long enough for the helicopter to get airborne but then both doors flew off, hit the rotor, and crashed the helilcopter killing both men inside. Though the instructor guy was thorough, he obviously did not check that the pins were in place, he probably just swung the doors a time or two and ASSUMED the pins were in place…but the bottom line on this is that unless someone SAW him take the pins out and turn the bolts upside down there is NO WAY TO EVER PROVE that he was the one who did it.
My X-BF I think burned his x GF (before me)’s house while he was dating me…again, no way to prove it was him so he can be prosecuted, but there is a lot of evidence there…same with sky’s X. Yes, sometimes they DO get away with crimes, unfortunately.
I realize that Sky’s story SOUNDS like a nut job, but I did the research on it and do not think she is imagining it at all. I honestly think from the investigation of the plane crash that SOME ONE deliberately killed those guys…and Sky’s story matched what the NTSB and the FAA investigation showed..just no proof it was HIM, of course…but just like with my x BF burning the GF’s house, you’;d have to have a video of them setting the fire (pulling the pins) or an eye witness to prove it in a court of law.
As for your X, superkid, telling him that you have left a “letter” or something that if anything happens to you, will go directlyy to the police might be a good idea.
When I kicked my X BF to the curb, knowing he had burned the previous GF’s house…I “got word to” him through a 3rd party that I had installed a sophisticated video system to protect my house and farm (at the time I had not done so) AND I also personally told him that I knew he had burned her house and that if lightening stuck my house and set it a fire and I witnessed the lightening strike, Still my sons would take it as proof he had burned my house. Actually that was an EMPTY THREAT but he was afraid of my son C because one time we had been horsing around and he had hit me by accident, and son C almost went off on him for hitting me….I was there but didn’t SEE the almost confrontation, but son D witnessed it….and later mentioned it to me that my BF had been unnerved by his observation of son C almost going off….so later the BF (then X) did something nasty to me, but it was not to burn my house.
Keep in mind too, that if you THREATEN to harm someone that is a crime called “terroristic threatening” and you can be arrested for it or even go to jail. So be sure that you word your PROMISE of retaliation carefully so that YOU do not break the law…and of course…anything you say to him, there is no possibility of someone else over hearing.
Some psychopaths I think have to “get revenge” when they have suffered Narcissistic injury by being dumped….my X BF was one of those, and yours may be the same way…but I would suggest a ONE TIME STRATEGIC breaking of NC for self protection….and get a message to him directly or indirectly that you have installed protective security devices and that you have also given documentary proof (threatening e mails or whatever you have) or taped phone conversations (even if that is not true) so that if anything happens to you, even if it looks like an accident, will go to the police along with photos of you two and so on.
I think my promises of retaliation if my house burned and also the lie about the high level security around my place etc. kept him from burning my house or some buildings here. He did “get revenge” but it wasn’t nearly as bad as having my house burned, just an emotional knife in the back. That actually later turned into a blessing….funny how that sort of things works.
But if your gut is telling you this guy is dangerous then do not pass it off, but take security measures. Locking gas cap. Lock your car—change the locks if he might have a key to your car or house. Give photos of him to the neighbors and ask that they keep a look out for him skulking around. Lights or video cameras outside your door if you live in a house…get a dog or a roommate if you can…
Also, get several cans of WASP SPRY—the kind that shoots a stream like 20 feet. It will say on the can and be specific for wasps. Keep a can in your car, and one by each door, by your favorfite tv chair, by your bed, etc. They are actually pretty good for self defense as if he gets hit in the face with that, he will forget about going for you and try to find water fast….
Keep your cell phone in your pocket at ALL times and by your bed recharging at night. Keep your bedroom door locked or blocked as well. Keep windows locked. Take PRECAUTIONS, but do NOT LIVE IN TERROR….just CAUTION. ((((hugs))) and YOu are in my prayers.
Darwinsmom,
I was one of the ones who was so openminded my brain fell out. My tendency is to delay judgement. So now that I know how to make character assessments, I find it curious that I can make them VERY quickly now. But I’ve not taken the training wheels off YET. I like to test. So now, I make an assessment, but I stick around to see if it was right. So far: 100% accuracy.
These are not difficult assessments to make:
are they a leach?
Do they lie?
Do they like to manipulate? (some blatently ADMIT to that one, with pride!)
Do they lack responsibility?
Is there a pity ploy?
Is there a lovebomb?
The list goes on… Any or all are red flags.
Superkid,
My heart goes out to you. I know the feeling.
My spath also had a silencer made for his .22.
He said he’d like to kill the coyotes that threaten our cats but didn’t want to upset the neighbor.
Meanwhile, I was crawling on my belly through the underbrush after my cat who liked to wander far (even though fixed) And he was standing out on the trail. He was in awe at my ability to navigate through the tangle, but now I realize that he was probably thinking that if he shot me now, nobody would ever find my body.
It’s all a matter of not putting yourself in a position, such as the above described, where nobody would witness your demise. Don’t be paranoid, be wise. Your spath isn’t the only one out there. There are plenty and we need to be vigilent.
What did his last email say?
Darwin’s mom,
No offense taken, my dear!
The rapidity or rate at which we make a judgment I think varies with the circumstances….sometimes instant judgments are called for and sometimes slower, more thoughtful and deliberate judgments are the one in order.
In general I am more rapid now about “judging” a person’s character negatively by their behavior with one, or at most two, episodes of “rotten fruit” than I was in the past.
Your little story about the trip to the pub and the guy who was giving excuses why he wasn’t going home to the mother of his child…and since she was already going to be pissed he wasn’t home, he might as well give her something to be pissed about….etc. well….your JUDGMENT of him on the spot Ii think was pretty right on. Didn’t take long to see that man’s character by how he was treating the mother of his child, projecting blame, and a pity ploy for himself. LOL
He would not be someone I would ever let myself trust in ANY WAY for any reason.
I also take into consideration the old saying “birds of a feather flock together” and look at the kind of friends people hang out with. If a man’s (or woman’s) “friends” are all or pretty much all like this guy, I don’t usually give him/her very high marks either.
Just as a “rotten tree” produces “rotten fruit” when you find one sick tree among a grove, many times the rest of the trees are not much better….”evil companions corrupt good morals.” People with high morals don’t generally hang around people with low morals on a consistent basis, they tend to pick better friends than a bunch of scum buckets.
I think a quick judgment on mr “excuses” was very appropriate.