By Ox Drover
Many people think of the term “judging others” in a negative way. I think a lot of this comes from the Biblical admonition found in which Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). Matthew 7:2-5 says, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” What Jesus was condemning here was hypocritical, self-righteous judgments of others.
I frequently hear others say, “Well, I’m not judging him ”¦” when they talk about how someone they know has done something that is less than morally upright. When I was a young person in this community of mostly Scots-Irish Protestants, people were frequently “judged” or compared to community standards of behavior. If a woman or girl had a child out of wedlock, she was judged for doing so. She was held up to a standard of behavior that she had publicly failed to meet. Her child, unfortunately, was also “judged” because of the mother’s behavior. In fact, I have a friend who was born of an adulterous affair, and “everyone” knew who her father was, and though no one was nasty to her face, my friend still grew up feeling “judged” as a “bastard.” She had a “rough” childhood and adolescence, which included drug use, and early, promiscuous sexual behavior as a result of her feeling judged. Fortunately, she was able to pull herself out of her downward spiral, escape the vicious psychopath that she married. (He was charged with killing his mistress’s husband in a cold-blooded, execution-style murder.) My friend escaped from this man, married a good man, and has managed to raise her own daughter as a “good kid.” She has also managed to salvage her self-esteem and her place in the community as a well-liked and respected member of this community
What is “judging” exactly? What is fair judgment, and what is unfair judgment? Well, to me, “judging” what a person thinks or “reading their mind” is “magical thinking” and it is not possible to do fairly. No matter what people do, I can’t really know what they were thinking. One of the things that frustrated me the most in dealing with this “mind reading” was the gaslighting my egg donor did when she excused herself for lying to me by saying that if she had told me the truth I would have been so upset I would have “thrown a fit” because she loaned money to the psychopath my son had sent to infiltrate our family. I was so upset at the time that she presumed to be able to “read my mind” and I swore to her that I would not have “thrown a fit.” But how do you prove a negative when someone presumes to be able to read your mind and predict your behavior?
Mind reading and behavior prediction, based upon the ability to magically read one’s mind, is unfair judgment. It is, I think what Jesus was condemning in Matt 7:1 “Judge not least ye be judged.” However, showing discernment in our observations is not the kind of “judgment” that Jesus was condemning. James 3:11-12 says (11) Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? (12) Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives or a grapevine bear figs? No spring yields both salt water and fresh. The author James is showing us here that we ought to be able to discern things that are right and good versus things that are bad by observation, not mind-reading ”¦ and that we should be able to see that a grapevine should bear grapes, and a fig tree figs, not the other way around. We ought to be able to look at a person’s “fruit” (behavior) and tell what that person is.
When we deal with a psychopath, many times they wear a “mask” to cover up what they are doing; they tell lies to throw us off the track. We aren’t perfect ourselves, and we know that we aren’t perfect, so we try not to “judge” others to a standard of perfection which we ourselves cannot reach. However, by trying to be empathetic to others and to not “judge” them, when we know ourselves not to be perfect, we sometimes go to the other extreme of not holding others to any standard of behavior at all. We calm ourselves by telling ourselves we are not “judging” this person, when in fact, we are overlooking their obvious bad behavior that repeats itself over and over and over.
While it may be comforting for us to think that there “is good in everyone” and that “even the worst person can change,” there are people who are quite satisfied to use and abuse others like objects or possessions, who actually obtain glee from using others.
Psychopathy isn’t “diagnosed” by one bad deed, or even two or three bad deeds, but is seen as a longstanding pattern of abusive behavior and an attitude of entitlement. Many times this bad behavior is masked behind a layer of “addiction” to drugs or alcohol, so that we may think that “if only he didn’t drink/drug” he would be fine, but this is “judging” in the wrong direction, by giving the person the benefit of the doubt about why they drink/drug. Judging in favor of someone (mind reading) about why they do bad acts is just as dangerous as mind reading the other direction and blaming someone for thoughts that you have magically put in their heads.
We need, as healthy individuals, to be able to discern behavior as abusive and to avoid the person who does these abusive things repeatedly, and to be able to judge/discern that person as an unhealthy individual for us to associate with. The reason doesn’t matter why they are unhealthy, and it really doesn’t matter if they qualify clinically as a psychopath or not, they are not healthy for us. The relationship drags us down.
The Biblical or social admonition to “judge not” doesn’t condemn us to being stupid to the point that we observe not, or that we fail to condemn bad behavior in either ourselves or others. We are expected to use our conscience to monitor our own behavior and when we fail to live up to the standard that we have set for ourselves we should feel “guilt” which tells us, “don’t do that again.” By the same token, we should also be able to see that the behavior of someone else is hurtful to us or others, and is not the kind of behavior that we would allow ourselves to do, so we are not obligated to tolerate it from someone else.
The bottom line is that if we don’t think that someone else’s behavior is something we would think is “okay to do,” then we do not have to allow that behavior or that person to affect our lives. If you won’t lie and cheat, don’t tolerate someone who does. If you wouldn’t steal, don’t tolerate someone who does. Stand up and say, “it is wrong to lie and steal, it is wrong to cheat. I won’t do that, and I won’t tolerate that.” That does not make you a “judgmental person,” it makes you a wise person. It makes you a discerning person. It makes you a healthy person.
thanks for looking that up Oxy!! that was so nice.
my memory was foggy on the details.
It was not a plane, it was a helicopter and pilots routinely remove the doors when they fly in the hot summer heat. They fly with no doors on the R22 if it is hot. the occupants don’t fall out because they are seatbelted in. There are other reasons why doors get removed, but the pins should be put back in when the doors are re-mounted and cotter pin checking is a routine that all pilots do as part of the pre-flight. So HOW DID SPATH KNOW that they were put in upside down? Ben would have checked and noticed if they were not in there to begin with, but he might not have checked closely to see that they were placed correctly or if they had been tampered with. because after all it was a brand new copter and who would do that? A SPATH WOULD.
But no Oxy, he didn’t confess to killing anyone. I only know in my heart because when he started his last con on me and I was COMPLETELY AWARE of what he was doing, I began to watch his mannerisms and expressions and then I realized that I had seen these behaviors before. and OMG, I thought, OMG, he killed all those people. Ben and Austin were not the only ones.
And Oxy. I DID GO TO THE FBI when I left him. I tried to go to the Sherrif. I was laughed at as being crazy by the FBI. The Sherrif was already embroiled in the spath web and just tried to get rid of me despite the recorded evidence of spath admitting that he would lie to the Sherrif and manipulate him just for fun.
Think about it, Oxy. In your first post, you didn’t believe me either. Who would believe it? That’s how he gets away with it. He has no motive except malice and it’s over the top to plan and plot like that for no other motive than malice.
As far as me and my morals. Well, I am very sorry about all the deaths and the ones that will occur in the future until he is caught. But it’s best if I don’t go around willy nilly making accusations and being laughed at. People think I’m a scorned woman (the ones I’ve told). I did tell Steve, the millionaire. Actually I told his GF because I suspect Steve might be a spath too, since his ex-wife was found dead of suicide by a shotgun (who does that?). But anyway, I think spath was going to kill Steve too because he was always working on his helicopter without an A&P license. That way when it crashes, no one can point a finger at him because the real A&P signs it off.
Oh and BTW, he also poisons people. Me for one. But he was always talking about how people could be poisoned by common household chemicals or whatever… I just tuned it out. I had no idea it was a tell.
I can relate to not being believed….The FBI might NOT believe you, but I am not so sure the FAA wouldn’t—-I think I would still try the FAA, at least it would give them a heads up on him so they could watch him….and I’d tell them, “Look, you may not believe me, BUT…here is what he said, here is what I think happened, and here’s the skuttlebutt that went on at the time. You also might want to talk to John Smith, and Fred Doe about it….”
It wouldn’t hurt anything. The FAA is much more aware of how these “back yard” mechanics and flight instructors work….believe me they are everywhere,, not just your X.
My husband belly landed a plane that was just signed off of an annual exam and the guy didn’t check the hydrolics and the fluid was GONE, long gone and the landing gear wouldn’t come back down. Fortunately, no one was hurt, but only because my husband was experienced enough to smooth it in on a grass taxi way next to the runway hardly wrinkling the belly skin.
Just about anyone else would have ended up injured or dead.
I wasn’t able to get anything done about the two murders my P sperm donor did because both of them took place out side of the US, and in neither case was there a body available…one murder was actually witnessed by someone though….someone who chose not to talk to the police, but with the murder happening out side of the country and no body (dumped out of a plane at high altitude over the ocean) it would have been difficult to prove anyway. Sperm donor bragged about many murders, but I actually don’t believe much of what he said so not sure if he actually DID any of them…I DO know that 99.9% of the things he claimed were exaggerated at the very least. I do rest easier now that he is dead though…died of old age…who’de have thunk it?
SKYLAR: here is more information on the helicopter crash, talking about the pins being MISSING and naming “witnesses” but not by “NAME”—you might be able to put some names to the various described witnesses….
The mention that the doors would have to be REPLACED before flying it because the A&p MECHANIC had not done the “weight and balance” for THOSE Doors and then him TEST FLYING with those doors is sort of spooky to me..the “annual exam” should NOT have been approved without the “wt. and balance” being done.
http://www.planecrashmap.com/plane/wa/N4029Q
Yea, this is all pretty “interesting” for sure….and definitely sounds like it could have been sabotage for sure…If Ben was apparently giving this new owner lessons in the plane, and it was recently “Annualed” he would not necessarily have checked the door hinges as he got in or anything along that line unless he had a reason to think someone had messed with the plane. He would have done a run up on the engine etc.
There used to be a bunch of guys mostly wanna-be pilots that hung out here and some of them were building experimentals or ultralights–and one guy built his out of hardware store parts instead of aircraft quality stuff and his plane took off and just fell apart in mid air like a pheasant that had been shot with a double barrel. Broke the old man up pretty bad, but didn’t kill him.
He had used fabric from hancocks that “looked like” aircraft fabric, and he used varnish from ACE that “looked the same as” the “aircraft dope” they use on fabric to make it fly—but you know, it didn’t FLY!!!! He used screen door turn buckles and springs and BAM!!!!! It hit the ground. My husband kept warning him–my husband did EVERYTHING BY THE B*O*O*K + 10% !!!!–and when the old man got out of the hospital my husband looked him square in the eye and said “I TOLD YOU SO, YOU DUMB SOB!” The old man kept on coming to the club meetings though, what a dumb arse he was. Like Steve’s article says, not every N or P is real smart, but not many of them will take any kind of lessons from someone else.
this article makes me think a lot. i know that i often give people too many free passes, too often i give the benefit of the doubt. i did that with my ex, he immediately told me the horrible tales of his childhood abuse at the hands of his cruel unloving mother, his cheating awful spouse. and i said to myself “who am i to judge, i am lucky enough to have never been through those things, maybe i’d be a wreck too”
i looked at all the red flags and i felt like well, theres a reason that explains these behaviors, he’s harmless hes just hurting badly. i constantly felt it was my JOB to show him love wasn’t always what he had experienced. i did the opposite of making a call for myself based on facts and walking away, i took the facts and made them a reason NOT to walk away.
sometimes i think about that and i say what is wrong with me?!
but this article helps a little, realizing so many people have it drilled into their head not to judge that we almost forget that sometimes we have to to keep ourselves safe
Sky, I’m in the process of tracing who has the plane now, nice thing is you can trace the ownership of every plane that has ever had an N-number on its tail…right from the comfort of your own home now that the FAA is online…it is currently owned by a company in Montana, but the DATE that it says they owned it is PRIOR to the crash which is odd, and doesn’t go along with some of the TESTIMONY by the A&P mechanic, so something doesn’t add up here for sure….and the “approval” of the annual exam which was supposedly done 3 days before the crash that killed the new owner with the WRONG doors on it is odd too….boy the Ps can sure muddy the water can’t they?
Dear Agreenbean,
Yea, we MUST be safe and being safe means that we have to have some GOOD SENSE and to use that good sense that God gave us, to JUDGE WHICH IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
You are right, we take the very things that should make us RUN away from a bad guy and use it as a REASON to stay and HELP the “poor baby.”
Well, you know, having been abused as a child is not an excuse for someone to be an ABUSER THEMSELVES NOW.
I’m glad that you are starting to see the forest AND the trees!@....... (((hugs)))
Thank you, Hens, Hope, & Oxy, for your kind thoughts & words. I’m glad that you all seem to understand what I’m feeling now……that it is closure, but that it isn’t news we ever want to get about anyone, especially someone we loved deeply, no matter how emotionally screwed up they were, & no matter how they might’ve screwed us over.
Oxy, I did read the Why Sociopaths Kill Themselves article, & I don’t think I agree it, but then, I couldn’t really understand what it was she was trying to say. I think I should probably expand on what happened & what I’m feeling about it on that thread, so I’m going to continue over there.
Dear Yes, I relate to the fact that we shouldn’t want to be the kind of people who “glory” in another person’s pain…or even to celebrate when someone, no matter how evil, is “taken down.” Yet, I know for me it is difficult to not say “good enough you, SOB! You got what you deserved!” I don’t want to be the kind of person who enjoys some one else’s suffering, no matter how terrible they are….but I have to admit, sometimes I fall short of that goal and I DO enjoy it when someone “gets their just deserts!”
I think I should feel sadness, I want to feel sadness when any human being is the kind of person who DOES DESERVE to be executed, or to hang or be shot or whatever. Sometimes I don’t make the cut and I would ENJOY pulling the lever that hung them….but that’s now how I want to think. So I have to work on ME and my reaction to some one’s execution, or someone’s cancer, or someone’s death.
There is a guy who I will call “Sam”—I was warned by a friend that Sam was a cheat and a crook, but I didn’t want to believe it and my husband and I got involved with “Sam” in a business deal, and lo and behold, SAM CHEATED US…and everyone else….and you know what! I was FURIOUS. Not long after that I found out that Sam’s “wife” wasn’t his wife really, that his wife, the mother of his children had been dying with cancer and he and his girl friend had just walked off, leaving the wife to die…then showed up at her FUNERAL TOGETHER! Well, turned out that Sam had robbed another person too, a young girl whose dad had died and Sam ended up with the assets of the estate—but then Sam got cancer and had no insurance and ran up thousands of dollars in medical bills, decided to marry his GF, married her then died. Well, the son got the marriage annulled, tossed the GF out on her ear without so much as a vehicle.
And you know, I hate to admit it, but I was glad that the man suffered a horrible illness and horrible death and that his illness ate up all the money he had stolen from my husband and me, and from the young woman’s dad’s estate….I GLORIED in his down fall, his pain…and yes, I think he was a full blown psychopath and “deserved” what he got…but who am I to determine what this man’s punishment should be?
But at the same time, I also realize that I am human and that as a human it is “normal” for me to want people to “get what’s coming to’em”—but I want to be BETTER than than, and I’ll work on that in myself. I’m not going to beat myself up when I fail to be the perfect model of kindness that I’d like to be, but I’ll work on it.
In the meantime, it is sad that anyone –any human–can be so hard hearted and so uncaring that they could be the kind of man he was, and it is also sad that anyone could take their own life—for ANY reason whatsoever. But it isn’t your fault, you are not to blame. I am SAD that my P son is so evil minded that he would glory in killing a young woman. I sure don’t want him to get out of prison, and I’d protect myself from him in any way necessary if I had to, but I don’t want to be GLAD if some cell mate kills him, or he kills himself. I don’t want to live with the kind of anger/rage/wrathful feelings inside my soul that must be inside of someone who behaves that badly, who wants to control others so badly that they would take their own life to try to accomplish that.
I think some people kill themselves because they are in such deep deep pain that they feel they need to do something to get out of that pain. I think other people are so ENRAGED that they have lost control over others that they want a final FARK YOU to show others that THEY have control one way or another.
Oxy,
I’ve only now had time to click on the link for the NTSB report.
It’s very interesting, no names are mentioned. I wonder if any of those “witnesses” was spath. Also, it’s interesting that the A&P mechanic thought the annual was done but needed more $$$ to do it again with the correct doors. And why does it even matter which doors were on it if the cotter pins were not?
Oxy, I took flight lessons when I was 18 years old and I remember that my preflight in a cessna included checking cotter pins on something, but I can’t remember what. I bet that the pre-flight checklist for the Robinson R22 includes the cotter pins on the doors. If not, it should.
As a flight instructor, I think that Ben would have checked the cotter pins. My spath’s obsession with them, also tells me that they were the key in this accident. Ben did give spath some instruction but not as much as was indicated in the log book. I bet spath noticed that Ben checked the cotter pins, which gave him the idea to put them in upside down. I mean think about it. If you were installing cotter pins WHY WOULD YOU PUT THEM IN UPSIDE DOWN? You would automatically put them in as you were trained to do.
You wrote about the materials used in the experimentals. My spath went on and on about aircraft certified bolts and pins. He would never use anything but. In fact, when my BF and I put a lock on the door to my shop, BF used aircraft grade bolts because Spath had left several at BF’s shop. We laughed and called it a “tell” because the bolts are stamped to identify them. LOL.
Spath is a welder and an “expert” in metalurgy (spelling?) he knows about metal strength and tensile. He would never put his own life in danger or allow the FAA to catch him in the act of sabotage by using sub-standard materials.
Spath would often come home and tell me of the under the table deals he worked with other aircraft owners/ a&P mechanics. All sad because they trusted hiim
About the ownership of the helicopter, I just don’t know much. But I did look up Austin’s N-number and it’s still listed under his name even though he is dead and there is no gyrocopter left to fly. same with the helicopter, there is no helicopter, it is in smithereens. that website doesn’t mean much except for one thing: Spath has an obsession with MONTANA. he kept saying the word over and over in his conversations but he used a wierd inflection: Montenahhhh.
It’s a tell but i don’t know what it means.
Thanks for your investigative work. I know I could have done it but there is something about devoting time to it that TRIGGERS me. Our conversation revealed to me WHY I dont write a book about the spath: I don’t know if my body and mind could handle the immersion of me into remembering the hell I went through.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for your investigation, but I paid extra attention to my body as I was posting about Ben and I noticed the adrenalin surge, the hyper-vigelance, that I had lived with for 25 years, resurging. It’s hard for my body and mind. That’s why I’m glad that you did it, so that I didnt have to. I don’t think I can right now. It’s still hard for me.
The hard part is not what the spath did, it’s how I was treated by the authorities when I tried to report him. it sucks.
gnite, Oxy.
I dont think that spaths automatically go to Heaven when they die,and I think even Christ said there were some sins that were unforgiveable by the Father in Heaven.
I remember reading this book by this evangelist pastor, -Kenneth Hagan,I dont believe everything televangelists say or do,but something KH said I do remember.
This old guy was very sick, and his wife asked K. Hagan to pray for him.
So Hagan stood behind the old man, {who was seated in a ladder backchair} and placed his hands on the old guys head, and closed his eyes, and started to pray that hed get well and recover.
He said as his eyes were closed, he felt his hand s being lifted off of the old mans head. He tried again, twice more, Twice more his hands were gently removed from the old mans head, by an invisible force.
He asked Christ silently what was going on?
Christ told him this.
“Dont pray fo him. Tonight, he will die, and he will go to hell. He was in every sort of vice, but got saved, and gave his life to me. Then he went back to his evil ways,”Like a dog returneth again to its own vomit.”
“He has had every chance,and when you come to Christ and THEN, with your eyes wide open, go back to a life of vice,
it offends the HOly Spirit of God.” He will die tonight, and he will go straight to hell. DO NOT PRAY FOR HIM!.He is apostate. His sins WERE forgiven, but he is ten times worse now, and he will surely go to hell.
That was an interesting lesson to me,not everyone is going to make it to heaven.If there is a heaven thee has also to be a hell.
Im sure many many spaths will think they are ging to heaven, they are in for a helluva surprise! And hell is FOREVER, SUCKERS!!!
Im sure that child molesters,torturers, child killers,wife beaters, murderers.pederasts,IF they do NOT sincerely say sorry to God and do a complete turn around, humble themselves like King David,they WILL go to hell.King David was a murderer and an adulterer, but he was sincrely SORRY and penitent and sorrowful before God, God knew his heart and He DID forgive him.But stiff necked, unrepentant, arorgant, cruel, cold, evil men and women, who are NOT sorry for what they have done,WHY would a just God allow them into heaven on a free ticket? NO! He wont!
We never need feel that the spaths have won,-they may APPEAR to flourish and do well FOR A SEASON, eating, drinking, making merry, but Christ says,—-
“FOOL!! Tonight thy soul will be required of thee! Thou knowest not the day nor the hour.”And they wiil {as we all will} have to give an account of their miserable lives.
We dont have to worry about “helping” Gods divine Justice,
if we live honest true, loving kind and caring lives, we have nothing to fear.
But the evil spaths? “It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the living God!We have this sissy image of Jesus as all loving and all forgiving,-NO!Yes, He died for our sins, but we have to say sorry first! God is merciful but he is also JUST.!If he blanket forgave everyone, unrepentant or not this is just Cheap Grace!And Grace is a free gift, it cant be earned or traded or given away.
Mama GemXX