By Ox Drover
Many people think of the term “judging others” in a negative way. I think a lot of this comes from the Biblical admonition found in which Jesus said, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). Matthew 7:2-5 says, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” What Jesus was condemning here was hypocritical, self-righteous judgments of others.
I frequently hear others say, “Well, I’m not judging him ”¦” when they talk about how someone they know has done something that is less than morally upright. When I was a young person in this community of mostly Scots-Irish Protestants, people were frequently “judged” or compared to community standards of behavior. If a woman or girl had a child out of wedlock, she was judged for doing so. She was held up to a standard of behavior that she had publicly failed to meet. Her child, unfortunately, was also “judged” because of the mother’s behavior. In fact, I have a friend who was born of an adulterous affair, and “everyone” knew who her father was, and though no one was nasty to her face, my friend still grew up feeling “judged” as a “bastard.” She had a “rough” childhood and adolescence, which included drug use, and early, promiscuous sexual behavior as a result of her feeling judged. Fortunately, she was able to pull herself out of her downward spiral, escape the vicious psychopath that she married. (He was charged with killing his mistress’s husband in a cold-blooded, execution-style murder.) My friend escaped from this man, married a good man, and has managed to raise her own daughter as a “good kid.” She has also managed to salvage her self-esteem and her place in the community as a well-liked and respected member of this community
What is “judging” exactly? What is fair judgment, and what is unfair judgment? Well, to me, “judging” what a person thinks or “reading their mind” is “magical thinking” and it is not possible to do fairly. No matter what people do, I can’t really know what they were thinking. One of the things that frustrated me the most in dealing with this “mind reading” was the gaslighting my egg donor did when she excused herself for lying to me by saying that if she had told me the truth I would have been so upset I would have “thrown a fit” because she loaned money to the psychopath my son had sent to infiltrate our family. I was so upset at the time that she presumed to be able to “read my mind” and I swore to her that I would not have “thrown a fit.” But how do you prove a negative when someone presumes to be able to read your mind and predict your behavior?
Mind reading and behavior prediction, based upon the ability to magically read one’s mind, is unfair judgment. It is, I think what Jesus was condemning in Matt 7:1 “Judge not least ye be judged.” However, showing discernment in our observations is not the kind of “judgment” that Jesus was condemning. James 3:11-12 says (11) Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? (12) Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives or a grapevine bear figs? No spring yields both salt water and fresh. The author James is showing us here that we ought to be able to discern things that are right and good versus things that are bad by observation, not mind-reading ”¦ and that we should be able to see that a grapevine should bear grapes, and a fig tree figs, not the other way around. We ought to be able to look at a person’s “fruit” (behavior) and tell what that person is.
When we deal with a psychopath, many times they wear a “mask” to cover up what they are doing; they tell lies to throw us off the track. We aren’t perfect ourselves, and we know that we aren’t perfect, so we try not to “judge” others to a standard of perfection which we ourselves cannot reach. However, by trying to be empathetic to others and to not “judge” them, when we know ourselves not to be perfect, we sometimes go to the other extreme of not holding others to any standard of behavior at all. We calm ourselves by telling ourselves we are not “judging” this person, when in fact, we are overlooking their obvious bad behavior that repeats itself over and over and over.
While it may be comforting for us to think that there “is good in everyone” and that “even the worst person can change,” there are people who are quite satisfied to use and abuse others like objects or possessions, who actually obtain glee from using others.
Psychopathy isn’t “diagnosed” by one bad deed, or even two or three bad deeds, but is seen as a longstanding pattern of abusive behavior and an attitude of entitlement. Many times this bad behavior is masked behind a layer of “addiction” to drugs or alcohol, so that we may think that “if only he didn’t drink/drug” he would be fine, but this is “judging” in the wrong direction, by giving the person the benefit of the doubt about why they drink/drug. Judging in favor of someone (mind reading) about why they do bad acts is just as dangerous as mind reading the other direction and blaming someone for thoughts that you have magically put in their heads.
We need, as healthy individuals, to be able to discern behavior as abusive and to avoid the person who does these abusive things repeatedly, and to be able to judge/discern that person as an unhealthy individual for us to associate with. The reason doesn’t matter why they are unhealthy, and it really doesn’t matter if they qualify clinically as a psychopath or not, they are not healthy for us. The relationship drags us down.
The Biblical or social admonition to “judge not” doesn’t condemn us to being stupid to the point that we observe not, or that we fail to condemn bad behavior in either ourselves or others. We are expected to use our conscience to monitor our own behavior and when we fail to live up to the standard that we have set for ourselves we should feel “guilt” which tells us, “don’t do that again.” By the same token, we should also be able to see that the behavior of someone else is hurtful to us or others, and is not the kind of behavior that we would allow ourselves to do, so we are not obligated to tolerate it from someone else.
The bottom line is that if we don’t think that someone else’s behavior is something we would think is “okay to do,” then we do not have to allow that behavior or that person to affect our lives. If you won’t lie and cheat, don’t tolerate someone who does. If you wouldn’t steal, don’t tolerate someone who does. Stand up and say, “it is wrong to lie and steal, it is wrong to cheat. I won’t do that, and I won’t tolerate that.” That does not make you a “judgmental person,” it makes you a wise person. It makes you a discerning person. It makes you a healthy person.
Mama Gem,
What you said makes a lot of sense.
I always believed that once saved always saved, but only God knows when a person crosses that line into blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.
TTS
Dear Sky,
I can understand how it would trigger you…and yes, I can relate to the being angry that the authorities wouldn’t listen to you….most of what you said about the cotter pins being MISSING from the doors is borne out in the report…There is one name on there “Bobby” (first name) that I found (it also has the last name but I will not mention it here).You keep mentioning “Austin” is he the one who was killed in the R-22 crash or was he killed in a different crash in an ultra light ?
From the listing of the N-number of the R-22 I can’t determine if the plane is flyable now or not, just that the title at least is owned by a corporation in Montana and they have had title since September 2004…so there is a possibility that the title transfer hadn’t actually taken place during the 3 days prior to the crash (it takes time for the title to be transferred so maybe the crash kept it from being transferred)
Planes are frequently “totaled” in a crash (nothing survives but the data plate and the N-number) and it is “rebuilt” like it is the same plane and there is little if any of the original parts on the “rebuilt” plane. It used to be legal to put 100% “new parts” on an “old rebuilt” plane, but you can’t do that any more…it has to have some old parts besides the data plate. LOL
I’m like you, I don’t understand if the Mechanic “test flew” the plane with the WRONG doors, and then told the “new owner” he couldn’t fly the plane with those doors until the RIGHT ones were on it….something is wrong for sure…..without the weight and balance done, the plane was NOT LEGAL TO FLY AT ALL….
I wonder if the owner’s family sued either the mechanic or anyone else…if there were any INSURANCE COMPANIES involved that paid out anything…those people would still be VERY interested in hearing if there was sabotage involved…so you actually might still find a WILLING listener Sky. And no one would have to know where the information came from…you could even do it without letting anyone know you were the one who set the ball rolling. I definitely UNDERSTAND you being afraid of this guy if you think he is the one who put those bolts in upside down (the cotter pin is the little metal rod that goes through the ends of the bolt to keep it from slipping out. Chances are that Ben would NOT have checked the door hinges as part of a preflight since it had been flown 3 days before with those doors on it. From the description of the witnesses who saw the take off and the crash, he did a standard preflight run up before he rotated and took off. Apparently the left door flew off, hit the rotor, the rotor itself went through the windshield, and the tail rotor got destroyed by flying pieces…
My husband developed the helicopter instrument flight instruction course at Ft. Rucker as a civilian and they were giving lessons in the big helicopters in GROUPS of students, and the groups would go on together, and then when they got off the next group got on, and the helicopters were never even shut off between groups. One of my husband’s students got sick and he had to land early, and the next group was waiting there, and got on. They took off and IMMEDIATELY CRASHED, killing everyone on board. The mechanic that was the one responsible for the last “care” the plane got, which included greasing the “Jesus Nut” which was called that because if it didn’t rotate it was “Oh, Jesus, I’m coming to see you” had signed off that he had greased it, but in fact, he had NOT DONE SO because he watned off work early to go see his girlfriend, so he was responsible for KILLING everyone on board by signing his name to a lie. He went to military prison for 20 years. As well he should have!!!
It’s kind of like a car mechanic not tightening the lug nuts on your car wheels and causing a wreck that kills a bunch of people. Accidents do happen, and mistakes do happen, but MALICE and LIES are not the same as an accident or even a mistake.
(((((Hugs))))
Oxy
Austin died in a different crash that i also attribute to my spath. Spath designed, built and worked on his experimental. When he died, the spath got Austin’s R22 and I don’t believe he ever paid anything for it. The bill of sale to my spath also was written for considerably less than what Austin paid for the copter.
The missing cotter pins and the witness testimony indicate that they were pulled out and also that it wasn’t checked. But here is the R22 pre-flight checklist
http://freechecklists.net/Resources/Robinson/R22/
Clicking on the third link opens a Word Doc.
Checking the “door hinge safety pin” is listed. Ben was not only a consciencious pilot, but when training a student, you don’t skip steps because you want to instill good habits in your student. Even spath said it: “it seems impossible that Ben wouldn’t check that the pins were in” So then spath said that what probably happened was that they were in upsided down and slipped out. I can’t remember what the entire hinge mechanism looks like. I’ll have to take a look next time I talk to someone who owns an R22.
The thing is though, spath covered his tracks. The only “evidence” I have is the strange stuff that he would say to me and also knowing that he is a spath and fully capable and also knowing how he despises good people and also knowing how he conned Ben into making fraudulant entries into spaths log books. Lastly, he once said, “people around the airport are beginning to notice that everyone who pisses me off ends up dead in a crash. Hahahaha.”
I think it was a tell but it isn’t proof. such a bummer.
The worst part of it (in addition to not being believed by anyone in authority) is that I feel sorry for spath. I know that I shouldn’t. But spath is SUCH a likeable guy. Everyone likes him. He is so nice that when I explain to people, like my BF and his brother, who DO believe me, they all say the same thing: ” awww, that’s too bad, I really liked him! He is such a likeable guy, that’s sad that he’s a psychopath.” There is a lot of cognitive dissonance going on when we reconcile what we saw with the reality of his personality. And that CogDis, causes sadness.
I know what I’m saying is nothing new to you, all spaths are likeable when they aren’t killing you. its sad.
Sky, I haven’t been around helios much, my husband was an instructor and actually (re) built a couple from the data plates up but I wasn’t around him at that–he was also an A&P and an IA (inspector)–but is odd that Ben didn’t check….and “interesting” that your X would make the comment about “anyone who pisses me off dies in an accident” my X-BF kept telling me he wanted to burn his “cousin’s” house because his cousin had done something bad to his dad…but the story of WHAT he had done bad kept changing and I know my short term memory isn’t all that great but It kept going off like a fire alarm in my head—and then BANG, his X GF’s house burns down—when he happens to be in her town that day, and so on and so on….and he had THREATENED her as well. There are many more details of why we KNOW it was him, but no way to PROVE IT either. Arson is extremely hard to “prove” in court unless you have a video of them setting the fire, but there is NO DOUBT in her mind or mine either that he did it.
The thing is too, that I think they (some of them) sort of like to have an AUDIENCE, it isn’t enough to hurt someone, they want others to share in their glee. DUMB ME, I kept giving him a lecture on how you shouldn’t harbor wrath and ugly emotions and feed them, LOL Little did I know.
P-son is that way too, he wants others to know how cool and sneaky he was/is in his cons and crimes, it isn’t enough to get away with it, he wants an appreciative audience to applaud his cons and success. SICK!!!!
Well, quit yer feelin’ sorry FOR him…though it is a sad day that any one chooses to be that evil. But it is a CHOICE.
one of the traits i have seen present in dysfunctional families, as a clue to this kind of personality type, is same-sex competitiveness. and they will often favor one child clearly over another.
this was my first clue, as it didn’t fit in with the persona he presented.
this is a dynamic which goes to eventually creating an emotionally dysfunctional child, even to sociopathic levels.
also, the hyper-vigilance created by living with such a personality has been linked to long-term chronic illness such as fibromyalgia. hypervigilance disrupts normal sleep patterns, resulting in a wide variety of chronic illnesses.
these are long-term repercussions your children will suffer.
you have to choose who to forgive and protect. also, children learn how to “be” in this world modelled on their adult examples. it seems to work very much like a computer program, including the trojan horse, or worm, model….
behaviors they see, they learn. a “loop” program.
if that isn’t an incentive to remove socio’s and psycho’s from your life, then you need to check yourself.
trust me, you will pay thousands of times over in the future for every moment spent with these people.
Dear Carriesguns,
What you say makes a great deal of sense..I don’t think the competition among siblings has to be same sex necessarily though…or even same generation. For example…it can be continued into the third generation if there is sufficient contact between the older generation and the children of the second generation…. the “loop” continues. Between the hard-wiring and the environmental programming it makes for a terrible system.
ps I love your screen name—“God made mankind, Mr. Colt made us equal”
Oxy,
Excellent article!
I fell into the trap once again, doing exaclty what you describe….
“While it may be comforting for us to think that there “is good in everyone” and that “even the worst person can change,” there are people who are quite satisfied to use and abuse others like objects or possessions, who actually obtain glee from using others.”
I made it through 6 months of NC….before I fell into the believing goodness trap once agian. He was sooooo convincing….even chanching his MO for a while…..but it only lasted 6 weeks before the mask fell off! Fortunatly, this time it was a quick 6 weeks and I didn’t buy into his false persona….I fell for the hoovering and took a peack out of curiosity, all along knowing I was playing with the devil.
The worst part is that he actually thought he could insult my intelligence with the llying. The best part is that I recognized it instantly and therfore I’m not destroid! Still….I don’t know why it’s so hard to for me to repeat the lesson over and over again.
Hope your doing well oxy!
Dear Aeylah,
We repeat the “class” until we LEARN THE LESSON….my late husband had copied down a short saying and I found it in his things after he died. It was “Life is a tough teacher, she gives the TEST FIRST and the lesson afterward.”
Not sure who said that, but it is so true, and if we do not pass the test, we get to REPEAT THE CLASS UNTIL WE LEARN THE LESSON. I had to repeat “psychopath 101” many many times because I did not realize what I was doing in trying to believe them and to save them, and fix them.
That is why NC is SO IMPORTANT because if you are NC you will NOT get sucked back into the web of lies and abuse.
If you try to “play with the devil” you will ALWAYS get bitten or burnt. ALWAYS….I wish I had learned that a long time ago, but because I refused to LEARN, I had to take the class over and over, but God had patience with me, He kept giving me more psychopaths to practice on until now I learned and applied that lesson to my life. NC NC NC NC and stay away from dishonest people! LOL
This article has given me a lot of ‘food for thought’. Because of the various relationships I’ve had with men…almost all of them with a narcissist, possible sociopath, and possible psychopath…it has shaken me to my very core. Sometimes I wonder whether I could be one of those personality types. At this point in my life, I’m very confused about my situation. So the point about discernment gives me hope. Cheerio to all of you who are growing and learning.