Meet Jeremy Meeks. His photo was posted on Facebook in mid-June. With his high cheekbones, steel-blue eyes and tough-guy tattoos, the image quickly went viral.
Where was the picture posted? On the Facebook page of the Stockton, California Police Department. Jeremy Meeks is a criminal, charged with 11 felony counts of weapons possession and gang activity. This is his mug shot.
No matter. Women were apparently lusting after him, and sending him their phone numbers.
Women lusting after sexy felon Jeremy Meeks are pissing off his wife, on Gawker.com.
I saw the picture on TV last week. Multiple media outlets—including Time.com— reported that because of the photo’s more than 100,000 Facebook likes, Meeks had been offered a modeling contract. This turned out to be nothing more than a rumor there was no modeling deal, at least not yet.
Woman marries confessed killer Joran van der Sloot
Also last week news broke that Joran van der Sloot, the Dutchman suspected in the 2005 disappearance of Natalee Holloway, married his girlfriend in a Peruvian prison.
Van der Sloot is serving 28 years for the murder of Stephany Flores in Peru in 2010. He confessed to beating, choking and suffocating her.
Apparently Van der Sloot’s past meant nothing to Leidy Figueroa, his new bride. She met Van der Sloot while visiting a relative in prison, and is pregnant his child.
SEE IT: Joran Van der Sloot’s pregnant new bride arrives at Peruvian jailhouse for wedding service, on NYDailyNews.com.
Woman will leave children to marry prisoner
Here’s another story, sent in by a Lovefraud reader.
Jennifer Butler, of Suffolk, England started writing to Christopher Mosier in a Minnesota prison in July 2011. Mosier is due to be paroled in September, and Butler plans to leave her three young children in England to move to the U.S. to marry him.
Butler met Mosier on writeaprisoner.com. According to his profile, he was sentenced to 15 years for a violent burglary and drug charges.
British mom of 3 young kids will leave family for U.S. prisoner she met online, on NYDailyNews.com.
Butler saved up enough money to travel 5,000 miles to visit Mosier. When she got to Minnesota, he had been in a fight with another prisoner and lost his visiting privileges. They had to talk through a glass window.
Still, Butler keeps the faith.
“Chris is a wonderful man,” Butler says, according to the New York Daily News. “Sure, he made a few mistakes in the past, but everybody deserves a second chance.”
Overlooking the criminality
All of these guys are convicted criminals, and we’re not talking frat boy pranks or drug court. These guys were arrested for gang activity, burglary and murder.
Why are the women willing to overlook such obvious criminality and fall in love with them?
For most of the women who think Meeks is hot, it may just be a goof. After all, clicking the Facebook like button is not really getting involved with him. Some women, however, sent money for his legal defense.
And the women marrying Van der Sloot and Mosier I’m sure they are catching a lot of flack. But Van der Sloot and Mosier are probably telling them something like: “I know I messed up. But with you at my side, babe, I can be a new man. Your love will keep me strong. Your love will save me.”
The women are likely falling for those sweet words. However, I want to be cautious about criticizing, because they are exhibiting behavior that probably all of us involved with sociopaths know too well:
They are believing what they want to believe.
Our mind in love
I’m always amazed by the degree to which the love we feel is in our own minds.
When we fall in love, we don’t just fall in love with a person. We also fall in love with an idea, a promise, and a dream of the future. Someone comes along who appears to match our vision, and we believe we’ve found the person we’ve been looking for.
Another key component of our love is our concept of ourselves. We may believe that we’re compassionate, nonjudgmental, supportive and forgiving. This is central to our being, and the way we want to live. We turn our beliefs into reality through the individual that we choose as a romantic partner.
Beliefs and dreams
Sociopaths know this about human nature, either overtly or instinctively. They use our desire to believe what we want to believe in order to exploit us.
That’s why they ask us questions and listen carefully to our answers. That’s why they study us.
Sociopaths work to discover our beliefs, so they can mirror them.
Sociopaths convince us to reveal our dreams, so they can promise to make them come true.
Staying safe
So what’s the answer? How can we stay safe? How can we make ourselves not believe what we want to believe, and accept reality instead?
Perhaps the answer is to first believe in ourselves. If we believe that we deserve true, authentic love, we may be more willing to recognize that our partner isn’t really supplying that love.
And if we believed in listening to ourselves, we may be more willing to pay attention when our intuition is warning us to get away from someone.
Belief and love are totally intertwined. To stay safe, we need to be sure that what we believe in, and who we love, are real.
Just for the sake of clarity, Jeremy Meek’s teardrop tattoo only has a couple of possible meanings, one of which is that he murdered someone.
I have to agree with the teardrop signifying a murder. Having worked with gang members in my career (past and present), those drops rarely mean anything other than that.
People don’t believe what they want to believe, like they choose it off some Chinese take out menu, people believe what is true for them and what their experiences have shown them. When you encounter someone(thing) that is completely foreign to your own reality base and they are doing something TO you (manipulation for their own selfish and often twisted gain) that you have never even heard about let alone experienced, let alone understand, that even the experts in the field can’t seem to agree on………How can you say that the victim is PARTICIPATING in their own exploitation Donna? With all do respect I just think this is very misleading and damaging to the victim and I think it can EASILY be construed as victim blaming. Maybe in the case of the nut jobs that willingly and intentionally and knowingly seek out some sociopathic prisoner but I would not put the average victim of a Psych/ Sociopath in the same category and it SOUNDS like this article is doing just that.
We participate by not seeing the person they really are” they show us what they want us to see, yes, but they also show us signs of who they really are, and we choose to dismiss them for the “reality” of them we chose to fall in love with” otherwise, we wouldn’t stay with them long enough to have bad enough experiences with them to be sharing all these life events in common with one another here in this forum.
Its a hard pill to swallow, and its NOT blaming the victim to say that we chose to see them a certain way. If we chose to see them as they are and stayed anyway, that is a conscious choice and is our fault” doesn’t make us a bad person, and sadly many stay or go back even after discovering who they are with” before you leave, it appears that staying is easier, or the only choice because “theres nowhere to go, there is no money, there are kids etc..” and even in the first few years after you leave it may still look “easier”” as time goes on, and you wake up more and more, you see that you get to know who you are again, and then everyone else gets to meet you again or for the first time outside the box of being with the sociopath.
You actually said it quite clearly “When you encounter someone(thing) that is completely foreign to your own reality base and they are doing something TO you (manipulation for their own selfish and often twisted gain) that you have never even heard about let alone experienced, let alone understand, that even the experts in the field can’t seem to agree on—” Those words show precisely how we participate” we choose to believe the good in that person who is doing these things when evidence may be to the contrary. Those who were brought up in abuse see it as normal, and those who never saw abuse trust the person is good and acting weird but is still the good person, or the false belief “if I just love him/her enough it will stop.” By staying with someone who is “doing something to you that you don’t understand or have never seen” and oftentimes made us uncomfortable, we participated simply by staying and choosing to believe contrary to that what we were experiencing. Its not blaming the victim, and I hope someday you can see that Donna’s article is pointing out a key point that many of us get to well after leaving.
still missing my point. From a very early stage of one of these entanglements, you will and mind and heart have been hijacked. Everyone here is looking at this in retrospect with understanding an knowledge they didn’t have then.
I’ve spoken with a couple other people about this article and the responses, including my trauma counselor who is a professional and specializes in this area and they agree, this is off track! It is NOT taking into consideration the victim’s mental and emotional state during the process! I can assure you that I have kicked several people right out of my life before and after Spathtard but they had not done to me what he did to me, they did not set the hook. I was not manipulated into believing they were someone other than who they are.
You are not reading my comment as intended, FYI and are counter commenting on meanings that are not accurate. I did not understand what I was seeing because most of it was hidden so how did I participate in it? WOW……….I can’t even sort out how off base this is. Uncle.
I was happily married, made my husband happy by all accounts, was widowed. 10 years later was targeted by the spath. I was the same person and approached courtship the same way. My ex spath wasn’t particularly handsome. I wasn’t actively looking for a relationship. I knew I was the same person in both marriages and I knew I made my first husband happy. Through all the blaming the ex P did of me, I had proof that it wasn’t my fault. I was his second ex wife, and he pretty much accused me of the exact same faults as his first ex wife. Again, this proved to me that it wasn’t my fault – he is the common denominator in both his failed marriages. I’m not a perfect person, but I know that I did nothing to cause the spath disaster in my life; and I know I did nothing wonderful to cause my first wonderful husband to love me, keep his commitments, care about me, etc. He did those things because of who he is. The spath did what he did because of who he is.
The ex P lied to me about lots of things and I relied on what he said. He blamed me for the porn that he did, but he was doing porn and cross dressing for decades before he met me. My first husband did not do porn when we were married and did not do porn for decades before I met him. I would not have married the P if I’d known the truth. He lied for the purpose of deceiving me into marrying him.
I liked the article but also have mixed feelings about it and about some of the comments. I feel that I, because of my emotional state, was not able to “willingly” overlook my ex-spath husband’s behavior or the signs that he is a spath. Like all spath’s, my ex showed signs early on, of his true self and I ignored them. But I ignored them only because I wasn’t able to see them for what they were. I had only vague feelings that something wasn’t right and I chose to believe I was misinterpreting those vague feelings. I know I have to accept the fact that through my actions and non-actions, I and my ex-spath both participated in ruining my life. And at times I feel like such a fool for having stayed so long in my marriage and allowing the destruction of my life, that it causes me real physical pain. At other times I feel like a victim and that I deserve much compassion (even from myself) because I interpreted the vague feelings to the best of my ability under the circumstances due to past abuse by my parents and siblings. I bounce back and forth from feeling like a victim to feeling like a fool. Neither one feels good. If there was justice in life, I’d turn into a spath and merrily continue on with my life without a care in the world, as my ex-spath does. But I’ve learned there is no such thing as justice when a spath is involved.
Dustey, Ask yourself this……if you KNEW what you know now, about him, these types, etc,,, would you allow it to happen again if someone did the exact same things? Would you accuse your child of being stupid because they make a mistake or misjudged a situation and got injured? The ONLY reason he was able to do what he did to me is that the red flags with him meant something entirely different that with anyone I had known in the past and I believed his BS because I could not conceive the reality of who(what) he really is. I was SO upside down and confused and weakened, OMG! It’s indescribable and i’m still not back entirely. My brain still struggles to comprehend this type of person and violation.
I compare this to being in a Tsunami….. the people who knew what a tsunami was turned and ran for the hills, some of the people who didn’t know what was going on ran with them and others who didn’t know the danger at hand stood and watched in amazement. Well some of all of those people were killed, plowed right over. Did the ones who stood there unknowingly in grave danger participate in their own death?? I think not. Did they want to die? I doubt it. They were not from there, had not been educated since childhood about this phenomenon and what to do if and when it occurs.
For your own sake, please don’t confuse your ignorance with stupidity. It’s easy to do once you have the knowledge you have now and are looking back in retrospect but please remember that you didn’t have that knowledge then. I was raised with a sociopathic brother, two and a half years younger than I am, and I still didn’t “get it” because I was never romantically manipulated by him and he never intentionally hurt me. He is a full fledged sociopath but not until the relationship with Spathtard was
O V E R and the spell started to wear off and I learned through my own determination, the truth about him, and studied, studied studied……did I see the similarities clearly. It’s not YOU that participates in the abuse, it’s the hollowed out shell the Psychopath creates once he hooks you, then mentally and emotionally stunes you and then sucks what he wants out of you.
He creates an addiction, and sometimes VERY quick, through extremely skilled and COVERT manipulation, deceit, mental and emotional seduction…….sucks you dry and then either outright discards you with as much care as flushing the toilet or keeps you hanging on like a cat batting around an injured mouse until YOU leave. In my case it was a little of both.
I doubt VERY seriously that ANYone who has been through one of these nightmares and survived it, has done their homework and educated them selves, will ever go through another. I’m not saying that people don’t get retargeted and victimized but my guess would be that it’s mostly people who haven’t really immersed themselves in the full healing and education process of the aftermath.
My best to you Dusty!
Hi Dorothy2, Thank you for your reply and best wishes. No, knowing what I know now, I would not allow it to happen to me again. As a matter of fact I went on 2 dates with a man (first dates after my divorce) and after the second date I caught him in a lie. The lie was of no significance really (he lied about his age). But one of the hallmarks of my ex-spath’s behavior was lying about anything and everything for no apparent reason. After I caught the man in the lie about his age, I did some investigating and found more lies. I immediately ended all communication with him. He attempted twice to contact me but I wouldn’t allow it. So apparently I’ve educated myself and learned something useful. I’ve learned many sad facts about life with a spath too. The hardest fact to handle is that once your life is ruined by a spath you will never get them out of your head. Each time you have a money worry, a health worry or any other kind of worry you’ll immediately think of how the root of your worry was planted by something your spath did or didn’t do. At least that’s how it is with me. Not a day goes by that I don’t see or feel some negative impact from my life with a spath. I look forward to the day when I can free my mind from the the torture of reliving the events that brought me to where I am. Even though I believe I’ve immersed myself in the full healing and education process of the aftermath, I doubt such a day will arrive since the damage to my financial wellbeing and family relationships has was 100%. I wish you the best too Dorothy2!
Dustey, I completely understand EXACTLY what you said in this post. The damage is something that just is so pervasive and deep and sticky and slimy….
we will get through this though, maybe never forget it entirely but hopefully remember it in a different way. I see a huge difference after a year+ and I would imaging I will see an even bigger difference a year from now. I can look at the positives too,,,,,,I quit drinking and I learned a HUGEly important lesson.
Hang in there Dustey!! {{{HUGS}}}
Dustey, let me also say….I’m sorry. I hear the pain in your words and I understand how horrible it is accepting that things were not what you thought and were led to believe they were. There are so many really painful feelings that go along with all of that. And I too wish there was justice….I think that is one of the bones that sticks in my throat about all of this. If I knew of a way to hold that POS accountable without compromising my own values I would.
One thing that has helped me is to see him as the pathetic creep that he really is. FINALLY I don’t ache for him or feel love towards him and to let go of feeling those feelings for him was very hard, but there IS no “him” that I loved…..just a fake and a fraud and a loser mommy’s boy weirdo pervert, a joke of a “human being” and less of a real man at 48 years old that my friend’s son is at 18!
Thank you Dorothy2! I hope that some day you and I (and all victims of a Spath) will find it unnecessary to think about our past Spath’s at all. They don’t deserve to control our thoughts as they do. I’m sure they don’t have any thoughts about us since we can’t be used anymore. Hugs to you girl!
I’m wondering if what I went through is considered relative to all the above.
I met a man online by accident who slowly charmed me with his words. I was beautiful, he loved me, was coming to visit me once his 6 month work contract was over…etc…he even would tell me at times before physically meeting “I can’t wait to get home to you”. I found it odd but was certainly smitten by it all
During his contract Before visiting me I snooped around on his social networking sites to find there were many other woman he was saying the same things to. Once I approached him on it and I had proof, he tried to convince me I was nuts and I didn’t actually see this…as he would quickly find the comments and erase them
So I closed my eyes to that and he eventually came to visit and we became very close. We managed to see one another every 5-6 months with daily communication.
Fast forward three years later..as he was away on another work contract I hadn’t heard from him and of course my suspiscions over took my thinking and I emailed him asking him what I thought. He admitted to meeting someone while away on work and they were now in love…
Ok not only did I think he was strange I fell for his crap again when this happened a year ago and he finished the contract and went back to his home. During the past year, even though he admitted he was still in touch with her becuse she loved him, he and I managed three visits..by the way I paid for the flight and hotel… He convinced me all this past year the worst possible things you could imagine about this girl…physical unattractive, very poor family, sexually unappealable.
Last we were together was march this year and one month later he was home and I noticed no contact from him. Only to find out that “he had to hurt me one last time and do what he thought his heart felt” and that was to leave me and be with this girl, who’s family insisted he live with them whilr he gets settled and they get married…he is 60 and she is 30…and btw he is still insisting he wants to be with me and doesn’t know if he is doing the right thing.
Am I on the right path by considering he is a sociopath or no?
sounds like a sociopath or at least a con artist!! This guy is conning many women with the same con game. Have you thought about contacting the other women to hear their stories of this con artist?…bet they are exactly the same as yours. It would be wise for you to talk with the other women on the phone.
Your story sounds very similar to Donna Anderson’s story (lovefruad site creator)
You need to go “no contact” with his guy asap before he give you a disease and spends all your money on airline tickets to come visit you. BTW what is the reason he gives you that you have to pay for his airline tickets?
Google “no contact narcissist” and get rid of this con artist by following the no contact rule. He know exactly how to manipulate you to drag you along to play his game = by using his words . REMEMBER ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS….watch his action starting today!!
Read Donna Anderson’s personal story at the top of this site…she too paid for her husband to fly around to visit other women. Dr Phil has also done shows on what sound exactly like you situation and Dr Phil said the women were being conned by a masterful manipulator.
Reading story after story from victims of internet dating I think dating on line is extremely dangerous because a sociopath or psychopath can hook you in with words and you are not able to follow your gut instinct like dating the old fashion way meeting someone in person. Look at meetup.com it’s a free site that list all the clubs, organization & groups in your city then join a group such as a hobby you have always done/wanted to do or a walking group to meet people not just guys but to meet women that have common interest with you to get out and socialize…who knows if they have a brother or friend that you would hit it off with. Please seriously consider not dating anyone online especially this con artist guy that has a mental hold of your mind with his lying words.
Have you ever thought that there are no “job contracts” that he uses this as an excuse?
Have you ever thought that he could be married with kids?
These are things you need to think about..because if he was “single” then he would want to be with you in the same city not coming in once or twice a year even with daily contact via phone..guys want physical contact too.
Thanks so much for your input!
Since the first time I found remarks to others and told him about it he immediately blocked any access I could get to the sites so unfortunately I do not have their names. Imagine this was at the beginning of our 3 years and i was leery…but because I’d fallen into his world and he was visiting me and saying the things he did and making plans with me I felt I won over the other women. I wasn’t even looking to meet anyone he approached me through a forum and one thing led to another
As far as the airline tickets and hotels/meals it was always me who insisted on paying because for one reason or another he didn’t have the funds. Of
Course he would object and with my persistence he agreed but always insisted on payback..never got it tho.
What really kills me is the way he met up with this current girl, he said the horrible things about her to convince me he didn’t like her only to turn around and say he is marrying her?? What kind of person does that and why?
Why didn’t he just not tell me about her and stop contact with me altogether instead telling me what he was doing..and now I haven’t heard a word for twoWeeks. He was corresponding with me right up
To two hours before his flight to be with this girl.
I actually called him on his actions when he told me his plans…I explained to him that he comes
From a very unstable upbringing (his mother sexually abused him and committed suicide and then was shifted from abusive family over and over again) and I said to him “you are so desperate to find as many people
To love you because you didn’t have it growing up”….
Thanks so much jan7 for your thoughtful words
Your welcome….I see lots of red flags with this guy…and I think you do too but you are believing his words with no facts to back them up. He tells you something and you believe it.
This guy is sadly dragging you along, he is keeping you hooked just incase this other woman drops him.
RED FLAGS with this guy:
You are paying for him to come visit you
He gave you a pity me story to hook you in and feel sorry for him (his child hood story…unless you see the mothers death certificate dont believe this story) Just because someone tells you something does not mean it is true. Up at the top of LOvefruad look for the tab “pity play” to learn more about his con game.
He is talking with other women
he “slowly charmed me with words”
his work “contract” prevents him from visiting you or you him (major red flag)
he tells you negative things about this other woman…Why? because he wants you keep your distance from her, he does not want you to talk with her this is why he has manipulated you to believe that she is not a good person…this is called “triangulaiton” google “narcissist triangulation” to learn about this type of control. Guess what he has told the other women that have found out about you…the same description he told you about the other girls.
he cheated on you and neglected to tell you he was “in love” with someone else sorry but the respectful thing to do is end a relationship with you first before dating someone else.
I suspect this guy is married with kids because there are so many read flags with this guy. Please seriously think about going no contact with him by changing your phone number, email, etc. Other wise he will be back and will keep playing you. You deserve better then what you are settling for right now. Remember there are 7 billion people on this planet half men so dont settle!!!
Funny thing is there is a lot to him that is truthful so why does he need to lie about this aspect?
He is divorced with two older children. He works for the govt. and he has managed to finish his education recently with a 4.0 GPA which I have seen much of his work and his graduation.
What is his stupid reasoning to lie about the rest? I can’t figure it out…I do believe he does not know the meaning of “in love” no matter what he tells me…he uses the word much to freely as I have seen him do with others
I also wouldn’t be able
To ever get in touch with this new girl…I haven’t asked her name I have only seen pictures of her so there would be no contact…I feel he said so many horrible things about her to try to
Convince himself that she was indeed all of those things because it was an extremely big move he would have to make to be with her…then he claims he was very depressed and had to make a decision between her and I and realizes he was trying to convince himself she was all those awful things but he was fooling himself…so he says
Sounds strange I know
Janedoe,
What does your gut tell you about this guy?
Jan7, I’m glad I read your comment. I had not heard of “narcissist triangulation” but I know you’re right. My Spath spoke negatively about everyone in his life to keep me away from them. After our divorce he continues to do the same thing. He moved in with his current wife before our divorce was final. I’m sure she and I will never meet, he’s made sure of that. I’m also sure she will never be alone with anyone from his family who might tell her what he’s done. My daughter-in-law is also a Spath who uses that technique. She keeps all of her family and my family away from each other. If she can’t do that she makes sure she’s always around to control everything. During the 10 years that I allowed her to be in my life, she never allowed me to be alone with my son or to be alone with any of her family. She tells lies about everyone to make everyone sound so evil that your afraid to get to know them. After I caught her in a huge lie about me, I decided to cut her and my son out of my life. There was no other choice. I believe your comments to Janedoe are right on the money. I would even go so far as to say the man Janedoe speaks of is definitely a Spath and that Janedoe SHOULD immediately drop all contact and run away as fast as she can. Thank you Jan7 for your insightful input.
Dustey. I should add also that sociopaths also use a “smear campaign” during and after a relationship to manipulate people so that when the victims speaks the truth no one will believe them because of all the lies the sociopath has told to them. Both the smear campaign and triangulation is to keep people from talking about the sociopaths horrible behavior.
google: “sociopath smear campaign” along with “narcissist triangulation” and “sociopath triangulation”
such a crazy world…who knew all of this craziness ever existed until you get caught in their web of deception 🙁
The book Women who love psychopath by Sandra Brown gives great detail of the manipulation these evil people do to their victims.
Sad that you cant have a relationship with your son because of your daughter in law…she sounds like a complete nightmare and you did exactly what you had to do to have peace in your life = go no contact…hopefully one day your son with do the same with her.
It pains me to read your letter. You know everything you need to know to consider yourself done with this clown. You don’t need a diagnosis to make his transgressions credible… And, too often, making a diagnosis distracts from the point of what you, yourself, will have or reject in your life.
You describe a 60 year old man who has time and interest in schmoozing women on the Internet (ugh!), who is satisfied with an email/texting/phone “relationship” (That’s not a relationship), who hooks up with a gal half his age (Like they have much in common?)and at 60 yrs claims to be doing the bidding of his love interest’s family and is “confused” by his heart’s desires.
The relevant question is only: Will you have this man in your life or not? Would a diagnosis add anything more to how unappealing he sounds?
BTW: He’s likely married, been married for a long time. That’s why you didn’t see him for many months. And he’s not describing a 30 year old “love interest” to you but rather his wife. Sixty year old horny toads would find any 30 year old appealing.
Viewpoint thanks so much
Yes 60 years old and met this “woman/wife” while in another foreign country working
First of all I don’t believe that…knowing his past relationships with online women I am sure he met her that way and went to this country to see her…not work like he told me. I have caught him in so many other lies its not funny…mostly pertaining to women online. Once he was in this foreign country doing “work” he also told me he met her friend and the three of them had business to do in another city and the friend made a pass at him and he almost slept with her behind the gf back but “it”
Didn’t happen though everything else did without the gf knowing…and he is telling me this as tho I’m supposed
To be proud of him!!
Like you are thinking…what is a 60 year old man doing searching out foreign girls who are half his age and here we are a year later and he is claiming he loves her
Oh yeh…during last year when he “met” her up until now…he has visited me three times and telling me he has no intention of being with her, didn’t love her, he spoke so badly about her physical appearance and her family, but yet he felt he had to go there to be with at this point…telling me she is planning a marraige and soon and doesn’t know what to do…
Sounds to me like he was pretending to be uncertain of what he was doing yet all along he didn’t hate her like he said. Of course she knows nothing of me…he comes from a very confused background where he says his mother sexually abused him before 10 And committed suicide when he was 12. I told him something is missing in his life to behave the way he does at this age…thanks for letting me vent it really helps 🙂
Janedoe, he sounds TO ME, like a player at the very least, unstable and probably someone who should be left alone. There is a strong possibility he is Sociopathic but maybe some other psychiatric Dx would fit him as well. Having been through what I’ve been through, I personally would R U N! I’m sorry your heart has been broken.
Thanks dorothy2 for getting back to me
He could never be left alone…I think that’s his fear. He has moved on to another country, and I mean very very far away, left everything he had to be with this girl (who he has met one time a year ago) and family to marry her. He is even older than her parents are and I told him he should be ashamed Of himself for acting this way. The promises he has made since his decision to go there are so stupid he doesn’t realize how Stupid he sounds..telling me I am much more intuitive than she is and she won’t find out about him coming to see me…
If that were even true…why haven’t I heard from him in two weeks since he is there as he promised and we had spoken several times a day every day…I think he believes himself and what he tells others. It has made me quite nauseous and sick
To my stomach when I think of his next predator.
I am extremely proud of myself though as I had written him (one time in the two weeks) last week asking why he hasn’t been in contact…no response…and I didn’t even write back a second time…I think it’s better this way. But I do feel he will be in contact and I can’t wait to ignore him or tell him
Off because he thinks nobody figures
Out his motives
Thanks again 🙂
You mention you have been through the same? If you don’t mind me asking..what happened?
Janedoe, I really wish I could put it all down again but I can’t. Short version is that I was lied to and deceived about who the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with really was on every conceivable level and got my heart broken in a way that I didn’t even think was possible.
I don’t mind you asking at all, I just have typed the details out in so many formats and web sites that it’s too difficult to put into words again.
this guy you are asking about deserves no further contact. you certainly can believe that……he is dripping in warning signs. You will either drop him like a hot rock or if you can not, pay the price down the road. no judgement from me about which path you end up taking because I know how hard they can make it to leave them.
Hi dorothy2
I will try not to ask many questions cause yes i know we say it so many times but did you say it was an online meeting or someone you met physically?
Did he leave you or you leave him? Had you found he lied and caught him? Was he cheating/double life?
I’m sorry if I am intruding and no need to answer what you do not want to. Thanks 🙂
JaneDoe, I met him physically, not on line. It’s hard to say who left who at this point. I was being played, toyed with and I guess wouldn’t die. I think many things were lies that I never caught till after it was over and many thing during that I did not understand. I loved him more than I could ever describe to anyone who is not in my head or heart and I now know I loved a total manipulative opportunistic POS. I’m sure he was cheating though I have no proof of that just a gut feeling because of his MO.
I’m sure that in spite of what I know and what I’ve been told about him after the fact that there is an endless laundry list if crap I don’t know and probably never know. I know enough. I wish he knew what a lot of people think and say about him. Apparently love IS blind because I was stunned to hear some of the things, the perceptions, others people have told me.
Jan7
My gut at this point is about 75% feeling he has some real issues
Because this is all new to me (not the flirting with other women and who knows what else…but this marriage) I’m trying to convince myself this is not normal behavior and I have told him so. Funny though when I have written him explaining how I find what he has done in the past by flirting with women snd going on singles sites and what he is doing now is so relative to each other, he never has defended himself one time, almost as though he can’t be bothered with what I say…like he is too excited or preoccupied with this other woman and who cares what I have to say.
Although there were definite warning signs from almost the beginning I pushed them under the carpet because is stressed me too much to think about it and his nice words were more appealing so I ignored it all
I don’t say he didn’t mean any of what he told me but as time goes on and I get some perspective on this situation my gut says “he isn’t normal”
Ps sorry to start a new post, I couldn’t reply to your last question, there wasn’t a “reply”
Follow your Gut it will NEVER steer you in the wrong direction.
I too see a lot of RED FLAGS with this guy…I think you seriously need to open your mind to the fact he is not a healthy minded individual and cut your losses now before you waste anymore of your time with him.
Your gut in the beginning told you who he really was. I would highly recommend that you read everything at the top of this site more then once so it sinks into your mind and also watch the videos.
Personally I think this guy has been married all along and now is just telling you he just got married. something is fishy with everything he tells you. A man that lies over and over and over can not be trusted ever and you have to ask yourself Why am I wasting my time and energy on a bad guy?
I agree with you about him being married this whole time. I have to say that he moves very quickly when he does meet someone as he did with me.
When he told me he met her last summer he actually told me that they had to go away together for work, and on this trip they solidified their love…plus he’d told me he also while they were away, another female colleague was attracted to him and he snuck away to be with her too…all at the same time he claims they were solidifying their love?? Yeh…ok. How stupid does he think I am and why the hell is he telling me he was with the colleague..wouldn’t most people
Say nothing about doing something like that??
Once that contract was over and he returned home, the communication with his “new wife” continued but he claims it was all her pursuing him…
So yes jan7 I sometimes have myself convinced he would do something that impulsive and marry her last year and now perhaps has only gotten the chance to get back out there to be with her…when I write this I can’t believe how unreal this sounds
Janedoe,
How does this guy make you feel emotionally and mentally?
Do you find your mind going over and over what he has told you to sort out the truth from his lies?
Does your mind race?
Is your blood pressure high now compared to before you met him? Do you now have health issues from the stress. Do you feel stressed out, have anxiety, depression, panic attacks since starting this relationship with this guy?
Does he repeat stories over and over?
Hi jan7
Well…up until approx a month ago my mind was overtaken by his sweetness and kindness. Like I always thought though way way back in my mind were things that bothered me BUT as long as I was getting the attention I put those thoughts on “hold”. Once in a while they would surface and they would bother me but the cycle
Of his kindness and sweetness would stop those thoughts.
My health hasn’t declined but I absolutely have had anxiety and stress due to this relationship
The past two weeks is the very longest he has ever gone without contacting me at all because he is with her. I don’t know it will last but before he left he reassured me I, along with this other woman, were number one to him…
All negative feelings have been going through my head since then.
I can’t say he repeats his stories though…is that a sign of something?
Janedoe, sociopaths know exactly how to keep a victims hooked = by using sweet words and gifts. This goes back to the initial love bombing stage that trains the victims to expect nice words/gifts from them and we in our brains get natural high from this attention…then if we are ready to leave and they know this will turn on the love bombing stage again then go back to their old way…they have conditioned their victims exactly the same way an animal is trained with food treats.
This is the cycle of abuse….tension building stage, abuse stage, then love bombing stage then the cycle begins again over and over each time the love bombing stage gets shorter and shorter.
This theory of “participation” negates all that is known about psychological manipulation. All of it. And there is a lot known about psychological manipulation.
Look at it this way: If you now feel you should have known better and should have acted differently, why didn’t you???
“Believing what we want to believe” is a grossly incorrect description of the way our human minds are wired to work on a subconscious level. And the con artist — be it psychopath, sociopath or whatever — is a student of human nature who uses and exploits it to his or her full advantage.
Because of the way we’re wired, we are *subconsciously* tied to our first impression (the false one they present to us), and so we think everything really is what it appears to be. Because of this, when we get a fact that doesn’t quite fit the picture, we force it to fit.
This theory of participation is contrary to what is known in basic psychology and neuroscience, and it’s a dangerous one. It not only blames the victim, but renders us powerless to react to it in the future. Why? Because another powerful (and *subconscious*) bias wired into our brains and that makes us more likely to fall for a con is the “optimism bias.” This is our tendency to overestimate the likelihood that good things will happen to us and underestimate the potential for negative events. Cons exploit this tendency by making good things happen — at first. *After that, we believe anything they do* and not “what we want to believe.”
Unfortunately, if you believe you should have known better, if you believe you just need to “listen to your intiution” next time to avoid the same fate, you will be at great risk of becoming a victim again. If you believe those things you will suffer from overconfidence due to thinking you know more than you actually do, basing your conviction on the inflated importance of what is really false knowledge. If you think “I just believed what I wanted to believe, therefore I participated (I was at fault)”, you’ve done nothing to protect yourself. In order to protect yourself, you need knowledge of the facts of how psychological manipulation works.
This theory of “participation” is not based on any facts. It is one that blames the victim and does nothing to help them in the future.
Agreed LadyLisa,,,,,,,,I have read and heard in several places that your intuition CAN be faulty. How many times have you said to yourself…..”I have a git feeling about this or a gut feeling about that” and been wrong?? LOL! Also, your intuition or instincts MAY tell you (or not) that something may be off, or may be a concern but if you don’t KNOW about these types, you don’t really know how to interpret what you are seeing or feeling. Defending yourself against these a**hat DUFU’s takes not only instincts but intellectual knowledge of their existence that I certainly did not have. Not to mention that I was never making an informed decision about ANYthing in regards to my involvement with him because he lied by omission from day one.
Did you ever notice any friends or family questioning things about him that they find odd?
I found when I had a gut feeling about something, and someone else brought it up something they find odd, then that’s a reason to act on our gut feeling and think we are possibly correct in what we think
I know from the beginning i questioned a few things and when a family member would ask something they found odd, I tended to defend and then later on thought to myself “hmm what made him ask me that question, when I kind of think the same”
Janedoe, we were so much by ourselves so no. some friends said a couple things jokingly but not until WAY down the line did anyone say anything seriously and it was way to late to turn the boat around before it hit the dock. I was in SO deep.
This is a great thread. I find that ‘now’- that I know about spaths- and have avoided direct involvement with them (intimately), I am able to see red flags in people I have casual contact with, and avoid further contact. I find that the niggling feelings I had when I encountered disordered individuals, before I understood personality disorders, are easier for me to pay attention to. These feelings, senses, allow me to quietly back away from the source. If the words and actions are out of sync in someone, I disengage. I find that I am not as confused by the lie buried in an otherwise truthful statement. It seems to stand out (more) now. I find myself saying ‘no’ if someone wants me to cross even the smallest line away from my sense of integrity. I find that I speak fewer off-hand ideas for the sake of being part of the group. I stay in MY truth, much more than I used to.
So I see that my previous ‘participation’ in toxic relationships came from an innocence that I no longer have. I am no longer NAIVE to manipulation tactics, and the subsequent feelings and reactions I have to them. I have awakened to these truths, and now the acts are evident to me. I possess something beyond innocence, that is of much greater service to me.
There is no shame or blame in innocence. And we can be innocent for many years into our adulthoods. Lots of cultural,familial, and maybe some biological factors play into our innocence.
Violations shatter innocence. This can lead to knowledge and awareness. Once awake to a truth, and a body of knowledge, we have personal power. Power we didn’t have when we were innocent.
Violation and betrayal is not pleasant or good…but if we can make it far enough along our healing path to arrive at knowledge and awareness we have arrived at a good place. There is NO blame or shame in this journey.
Slim
Thanks jan7
You mentioned when we get ready to leave they do the love bombing..but it was him who told me I meant the world to him and nobody ever has been as special as me blah blah but he is leavin me for someone else and doesn’t know if he is making the proper decision. Yet he packed himself up and moved to another country two weeks ago. Told me he still wanted me but had to do this move. I haven’t heard since. I wrote one time with no response so I stopped writing. But he ended things with me…how does that connect to sociopathic behavior and the love bombing? I’m back and forth with this in my head an am trying to convince myself he is in fact poison!
Janedoe, yes he still loved bombed you with his words before he left you by saying he does not know if he is making the “proper decision”, he did this to keep you hooked just incase his new victim sees his mask slip and dumps him for his abusive ways. Sociopaths always go back to their past victims because past victims will take them back and accept their abusive ways so they keep the past victims on the hook.
This is why it is so important to follow the no contact rule, it is also important to follow that rule so that you break the strong emotional bond that the sociopath has over you. You are addicted to this guy just like someone who is addicted to drugs/alcohol. This guy conditioned to expect “sweet” words even though he treats you horrible the bulk of the time. The “sweet”words are your addiction source, you crave them and will wade through his abusive ways to get his “sweet words”.
I would highly recommend that you find a counselor who is extremely knowledge with narcissist abuse and go. (your local abuse center may have a recommendation)
This guy is beyond poison he is down right dangerous for your mental, emotional and physical well being. PLEASE go up to the top of lovefraud and watch all the videos and read everything at under each and every tab up there over and over until your mind opens up to the truth that this guy is a sociopath or a con artist.