REGISTER | LOGIN
By | November 6, 2009 129 Comments

Believing the unbelievable sets us free

By Ox Drover

There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don’t have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are.

Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don’t want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun may not come up tomorrow morning, or that if we drive or float far enough that we will fall off the edge of the world. But somehow, slowly, we start to believe that we can’t make it without the psychopathic partner to tell us how things are. We are compelled to believe them or to give them up. We make ourselves believe that we are mean, controlling, worthless, and that we couldn’t live without them. We make ourselves believe that our lives would be devoid of happiness without the psychopathic partner, mother, sister, brother, child.

The very thought of leaving them becomes unthinkable. The very thought of them leaving us terrifies us, and we scramble to do anything to make them stay, to make them love us. We endure the crazy-making; we force square pegs of falsehoods into round holes of what we can see with our own eyes, force them with a hammer if necessary.

When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.

But then they strike out again, sinking the venomous fangs of words into our flesh. We feel the pain with each strike, straight to the heart. We argue and try to defend ourselves, but they project the pain back to us—it really is our own fault, if we would just try harder everything would be wonderful.

We know we are trying hard, we know we are giving all we can give, but it isn’t enough, it’s never enough. It’s all because we didn’t believe enough, didn’t trust enough, we have to have faith. No matter if our eyes see the sky is dark, we must say it is light. We must believe it is light. We must believe they love us. To not believe is not possible; it would be too painful. What person who loved us, truly loved us, would stay with anyone like us if they didn’t truly love us and want to make us better for them? They work so hard at helping us be perfect, but we just never measure up. We must believe the unbelievable, that we are worthless.

But one day, we wake up, and the sun is really shining, and we see the truth, the real honest to God truth. We have believed the unbelievable, we have violated ourselves by denying the truths we saw, the truths we knew. We have sold our souls to this person who really didn’t love us at all. Our life can go on without pain, without twisting and turning to put the square peg of falsehood into the hole of truth.

Only the round peg of truth will fit into the round hole of truth. The square peg of falsehood held by our lover, our friend, our relative, won’t fit. No matter how we try to cram it in, or how much of a failure they tell us we are because we can’t make it fit, we see. Really see!

It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to try to cram that square peg into the round hole. Why didn’t they just accept the truth? Why did they demand we believe the unbelievable—that they loved us? People who really love us don’t treat us this way. They encourage us, not denigrate us. They support us, not knock us down.

But most of all, people who love us, really love us, do not demand that we believe the unbelievable—their lies. Then we realize that isn’t myself that is the lie, it is them. The very ones we love that are the lie. Our lives can go on and go on without the pain of trying to make ourselves believe the unbelievable—that they love us.

But we have a child together—they must love our child, all parents love their children. How could my own mother not really love me? All mothers love their children. I’ve been a good: wife, mother, friend, lover, parent; how can they not love me? It’s unbelievable that they don’t love me. I can’t believe if I try harder they won’t see the truth and love me back. Surely there is some magic phrase that I can find and say to them that will make them see. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how they hurt me.

There comes a time when the unbelievable becomes believable and we face the truth. The painful truth that the one we love most in the world doesn’t love us. It is not unbelievable anymore; it’s a fact, just like the sun comes up in the morning. We don’t have to understand how or why the truth is the truth, we just have to believe the truth. The truth will set us free. Free from the pain of square pegs in round holes.


129
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
keensight

The best medicine available to treat the illusion we have of them being loving and accepting are the inverse of these very qualities, namely, devaluing and discarding.

When you are devalued and discarded, if you have any self
awareness (which most of us do), the time finally arrives
to take that final dose of medication from them. It is a tragic irony, that we ourselves, in most cases can’t get to the point of awareness and healing without their dosings.

After the final medicinal dose of cruelty has been inflicted,
unless one is completely insulated from the reality of their own
precious and inherent value as a lovable human being, the time arrives to face the painful truth. That truth being that
you are only as good as you are useful to them. You are not lovable and valued just because you are a special, unique person in their lives. The lack of reciprocity of that regard
contributes a great deal to the long, drawn out process and of the continuing denial, that ultimately leads to waking up.

No one wants to shed an identity, self definition, old reality
and life that holds meaning for them. That is why people hang in there for so long. At least it’s familiar. The known is always
safer than the unkown to those who have built their lives around people who undermine their self worth and value.
Life, instead of being something worth exploring, becomes something to fear, based on the pronouncements of those
we give our power away to.

That final dose of discard and devaluation holds within it something of intrinsic value that can’t be measured through the immediacy of the pain one feels at finally acknowledging
an essential truth about them. They don’t and can’t love us
in the ways we need, in the ways we’ve loved them and most
importantly the ways we’ve valued them.

What is it of such intrinsic value beneath all the grief and sorrow that will outlast all the pain of acceptance of the truth?

Ourselves.

We get to meet the very wholeness of who we are through embracing the pain and loss. We get to discover that our lives
were never meant to jump through hoops created to keep us
from getting our needs met. Like toddlers taking our first baby
steps, we get to experince the exhiliration of moving unencumbered by the support of any but ourselves!

Healing may be a long process, but well worth it, when the return is the ability to find peace and wholeness without having to look to another to provide that sense.

Most importantly, the way is cleared for starting the adventure
of SELF discovery, something many of us were trained we didn’t even have the right to pursue. We were assigned our places and roles in life early on. We faithfully toed the line until the ones came along that tested that self definiton until it cracked and broke under the pressure.

We’ve much to be thankful for that we’ve survived and are learning to thrive.

Easy

That is it! When everything we do , is for their benifit! And everything they do , is to our detroment! When we are willing to forgive and they never do! When we take the blame and they never do! When we are willing to give up our lives for their sake and they never give a TRUCK! About us! Or our feelings!

We Wake the Truck UP! Thank you!

Maryjane

Yes,, first I was over-valued as perfection in his eyes.. then devalued, blamed and discarded because I wouldn’t do as he said and make my life to his specifications..
Truth is I was ‘perfect’ for what he was looking for to meet his current needs then when I began seeing his holes clearly, seeing through his smoke screen, he had to make me out to be not perfect in order for him to keep his perfection mantle.. but when you go from being on a pedastel.. put there by them .. then are chipped away at.. it is difficult for anyone.. when I told him that he didn’t listen to me.. he told me that he was the only one in my life who really ever did listen to me.. and that he could see who I really am…
BS.. he couldn’t ever see himself clearly…
Good article..

skylar

OXY!! THAT’S THE PAMPHLET. your words should be on the flyer that we should be standing on street corners giving out. If someone had given me those words to read 15 years ago, I would’ve packed up and left. IF ONLY…

Ox Drover

Dear Skylar, “If only”—“the saddest words of tongue or pen, it might have been” (wordsworth or someone said that, can’t remember who)

We can’t let the REGRETS get us down either, sweetie. And you know, I WAS WARNED about several of my Ps and I did NOT heed the warning. I think others here have also been warned and not listened. Now THERE’s something to make you want to BOINK yourself for, and believe me that is why my head is flat. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED….BUT I DIDN’T.

Ox Drover

PS. ” IF a frog had wings he would not bump his butt every time he hopped, either”

Oxy, you wrote this one like you’ve really been through it, and you made me remember when you wrote:

“When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.”

Isn’t it weird and terrifying when we get to the point where we think that the only one who can fix the pain is the one that caused it? This article makes me remember the days when I was thinking “If he would only do (whatever), even for a moment, then I would be okay.”

I can’t do any of this any more. Lie. Paint on a happy face. Agree with what I don’t understand. Endure gratuitous criticism or unwanted harassment. I’m not even sure I remember what exactly flipped that switch. I just know it flipped. And I’d almost forgotten what it was like before, until I read your post.

Truth does set us free. At some point we get tired of their lies and lying to ourselves. And that is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Thanks for a great post.

Kathy

amber

Thank you Oxy. It is so true. That is what finally set me free. Waking up and being really honest with myself, that I was living a lie. His lie. And as much as I wanted to beieve it, I had to stop fooling myself and WAKE UP! It wasn’t reality, it wasn’t real love. And accepting that is soooo hard, but accepting set me free. Painful as it is, it was my only option. Great article once again. HUGS!!!

Ox Drover

Dear Kathy,

Yep, been there and done that, actually that is why you and I can write articles about it because we both “been there done that” and have a closet full of the tee-shirts! Realizing and then tearing the masks not only off of them, but the masks we put up as well is a hard project.

Here I am soon to be 63 and I iam finally the GENUINE OXY the “what you see is what I am” crusty old biddy some days and the can’t watch “Lassie come home” without crying my face off…don’t even talk about Old Yeller or Where the Red Fern Grows or the Yearling….I would be in bed for a week after watching all of them. LOL

But the thing is whatever face I wear each day is a REAL face, and really me. It may be different tomorrow, but that one will be REAL TOO. No more fakes, no more pretending, no more covering up for someone else’s bad deeds. If today’s face is sad you will see SAD, if tomorrow;’s face is mad, you will see MAD, if thenext day’s face is whatever, you will see whatever. What I feel is what you will see.

I have played “what would the neighbors think” for way too long, I no longer give a large rat’s behind what the neighbors think…if they even do think about me. I’m learning to validate myself by my own moral compass and as long as I can look myself in the mirror, then I am OK.

Amber, glad you are making progress, it is a long road but each step we take does make us less enslaved to the past! (((hugs))))

Rosa

OxDrover:

“Lassie Come Home”, “Old Yeller”, & “Born Free”….they just don’t make ’em like that anymore.

Not to mention Marlon Brando, James Dean, & Elvis Presley. MEE-OW!

Twice Betrayed

Rosa: tee, hee, you are soooo funny! 😉 Cute as they were….Dean was gay, Brando bi and E loved his capes/drugs. Nothing for us girls there either. Lassie was a female, Old Yeller died, Born Free–sob! So…..we really are own our own. ahahahahahaha!

Twice Betrayed

*correction, should read: “ON our own.” [ Still on laptop….got a new imac but cannot configure it to wireless internet. My first Mac and it’s different than a PC.]

Twice Betrayed

Oxy: good article! Enjoyed it. I never believed all he said I was and the last ten years did not accept any of it. I still tried to please him in many ways, but did not buy into the BS and kept my sense of who I was/am. If my brother couldn’t knock that out of me when I was a kid….nobody could. And nobody has….I might be wounded and burnt….but thru it all….I still held on to what I believe about myself. I used to crawl under our house when I was a kid and hide from my bro and vow to myself I would make it out alive…and intact. I may be beaten all to hell, but I still have made it out……….:) Thank God!

Rosa

It does not matter to me if a guy is gay or straight.

If he’s cute, he’s cute.

I also have a crush on George Michael.

I understand these crushes will never come to pass.
But, I am still “crushing”, anyway.

Twice Betrayed

Rosa: oh, ok….well, George Michael….my brother had a crush on him too….
Yeah, I understand.
I just interjected some reality in there….I am trying to stay real with myself after coming out of all the ‘unreality’. I was also just teasing you. 🙂

Rosa

TwiceBetrayed:

I woke up feeling very energetic and punchy today.
Not sure what it is.
I just returned from the gym, where I worked off some of the energy.
So, I think I may be a little better now. 🙂

persephone7

Rosa: Are you a tennis player? I am, though I’ve let it slide a bit lately…
think you have best idea, I’ll go exercise.

Wrote long blog after work, pushed ‘post’ and seems to have disappeared into the ether, must have been meant to be. So God saved you all from
Persephone’s Pandora’s Jar of Emotion…thanks for subconsciously listening
to me download! And Oxy doesn’t get to boink me after all…

Oh well, just a dream, just a dream, la la la…

Great article Oxy, and enjoyed your insights too Keensight, thanks
for taking time to write them for us all to take to heart.

Rosa

Persephone7:

Yes, I LOVE tennis!
Hitting that ball is the best therapy for me.

I have been playing 4-5 times per week.

persephone7

Rosa: Oh boy, a kindred spirit…I too LOVE tennis, it has been my saving
grace for many years – I used to play that often but have let life get in the
way lately. Only play maybe twice a week, several days ago I just went
out with my hopper and just served and served balls, what a release…

Anyway, thought you mentioned tennis somewhere, let’s play a virtual
game together…having a good playing partner is a metaphor used often
for a successful relationship, I always wished my latest love partner would
have gone and played more tennis with me, he is a very good athlete and
we had a great time when we did play but too often he did not want to
venture out from my house…and I complied.

Am just now finding some new non-romantic, good hitting partners
and am going to try playing more singles again, I like running around
more!

Rosa

Persephone7:

I also prefer playing singles.
As far as I am concerned, the more running I do, the better.
When I am playing tennis, I forget about EVERYTHING else.
And that is a good thing.

persephone7

I guess tennis shouldn’t get us off-topic, but maybe it fits in with the idea that amidst the unbelievable – you still need to find someway to keep your
emotions and your body healthy and alive! Somehow you need to decompress or you die, emotionally or literally…so many times when I was so sad, or frustrated or just wanting to be out of my own head and didn’t want to talk to anyone – I would take a long walk by a favorite river or
marsh – or I’d go out alone to the courts and serve balls – I now possess a very strong serve(and a permanent bruise on one shin because some of my follow-throughs came down there, I choose to see it as a small badge
of honor now…)

God gives us many options to help us heal, we all choose our different ways of doing it. In doing that, we become stronger people – like Oxy said, less
worried about what others think. I’m still an emotional tennis player at times, not as incredibly consistent every time I go out as I’d like but I know part of that
is that right now I can’t play as much as I’d like and get rusty…other times, I just know I have good emotional days and less than stellar ones, and sometimes
my game reflects that. But I don’t beat myself up about it anymore, I either choose not to go out, or if I do go, I just commit to having fun and enjoying the
people there who are there for their own release and capacity for joy. And the truth of that is that I can go out and create my own fun, my own joy.

keensight

Dear Persephone7 –

What you said about finding a way to keep your emotions and body healthy and alive is so true. Needing to decompress is
something most of us have to force ourselves to do in the beginning.

Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not
acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us. Body and mind are one. Something as powerful as emotion needs
physical expression. Everyone is taught to be nice, never show anger and stifle anything that others would find unacceptable or offensive.

What they forget to share is how to channel that energy appropriately in ways that don’t harm self or others.

Your tennis game and the way you describe it is a good way to think about living life. It also underscores how important
being grounded in your body is. Physical excercise, communing with nature on long walks and anything that gets you in touch with what your body needs during stressful experiences, helps us to learn how to harness negative energies and use them to maintain equanimity.

I like to take my dogs for long walks. I focus on the beauty
I see in nature around me and on my breathing. It helps to
clear my mind and release what is unresolvable. Running and
lifting weights are other ways that I expend energy that would otherwise just become poison.

And you know Persephone7, what you said about committing to having fun and enjoying others who are there for their own
release and capacity for joy, should be a motto for all survivors. Learning to seek out others who maintain a positive
and loving attitude, those who want the very best that life has to offer, and are also willing to do the work of providing it for
themselves, even when no one else is around to share these gifts, is a sure sign of a healthy person.

Life, sure isn’t a game, as any of us can attest, but knowing how to return what others serve up to us and how we in turn choose to serve back to them comes from emotional awareness both in our heads and in our bodies. Recognition
and acknowledgment of them allows us to act in our best interests, not just to react without awareness. Staying grounded physically is one key to that. Creating your own joy
and fun is another. A capacity for both is essential for healing.
You’re correct on both counts and stated that beautifully.

super chic

Wonderful article! When I finally faced the truth I was a little crumpled up ball on the floor, I’m getting to know myself, I am standing up now. When I smile now it’s not painted on. I think sometimes I’m still going through the pain but it’s better than the alternative — which was me too scared to let go. Thank you for your insights, it’s like you can see into a persons soul.

super chic

keensight, thank you to you also, I really like your post about learning the value of ourselves!!

persephone7

Keensight: thanks for your kind words and I loved your post above…I was thinking how just being out in nature has helped, you talk about taking your dogs for long walks. I don’t
walk much by the marsh anymore, but when I did – I would watch the area of the cattails and trees go through all the seasons – the whole marsh in winter looks almost dead and
brown – it was hard to imagine it ever coming back to life. But each spring, what a revelation as it would slowly regenerate, little patches and buds of green appearing and then
this whole glorious vision of green with all the birds flying about, frogs croaking, wildflowers painting a colorful border along the trail I’d walk. “To everything, turn, turn, turn…
There is a season, turn, turn, turn…”- nature illustrates it so beautifully for us each and everyday and we are a part of that and can recognize the cycles and seasons within our
healing and within the cycles of our lives – and especially within this group of friends here who are in different stages of regeneration.

As you said, Keensight, sometimes we don’t realize how much damage has been done to us, so we need to take very gentle, continuous care of ourselves in every way.

Twice Betrayed

Nice posts about healing and nature! Enjoyed those!
I’ve had animals for years….and when people asked me why I loved horses so much-I always said they were my therapy. My x hated the way I turned to my animals [horses, dogs, cats, rabbit]for love and spent so much time with them. [I did rescue for years and worked with shelters/rescues] But, you know, I read where they are using horses as therapy with Jaycee Duggard.
Rosa: I am glad you are full of energy and having fun working out and playing tennis! 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear Chic,

Glad you are doing better! It does take time, and work too. focusing on ourselves, the positive things, the good things, and seeing THOSE instead of the negative things.

I think Persephone and Keeninsight have some good points, and Rosa too, i nher tennis playing. Do something nice for yourself, take a walk, look at something pretty in your environment, even something small, and appreciate that thing. How it is beautiful and unique. Let the appreciating seep into your pores! Then appreciate yourself.

Isabell

“Let the appreciating seep into your pores! Then appreciate yourself.”

Oxy… ::deep heavy sigh::

Today, I deep cleaned my bathroom. A bathroom that 7 people use. It once was my sancuary (hot tub, mood light, and all). As I cleaned every nook and cranny, I thought…This IS focusing on myself. I love a clean, sparkling, uncluttered bathroom to put myself together in. Since I share it with all my kids (two other bathrooms unfinished- thank you ex), my bathroom often becomes a feeding ground of icky.

Some might not view cleaning as a gift, but when I was finished, and took a long hot shower, and put myself together… I was like a giddy little girl. This is my way of taking care of myself.

EVERYBODY must discover and KNOW their way of self of taking care of themselves.

Ox Drover

Dear Isabell,

Thank you for sharing that! It IS a way to care for yourself. After my husband died in an accident (5 yrs ago now) my son who was also injured and I sat for months and just looked at the dirt pile up. We did not clean, we did not care for ourselves, we just SAT…cleaning is a GIFT and it shows YOU that YOUR desires are important. It is something nice we can do for ourselves.

The cleaning doesn’t “last” forever (kids are dirty little messes! LOL) but for THAT moment, that time, that instant, it was YOURS and it was CLEAN for YOU! ((((hugs))) You did good girlfriend!

Now, get you a “how to” book and start on fixing up those other bathrooms for the curtain climbers! LOL

Isabell

Oxy… I love you!!!!

Awesome post, Oxy.

I have a difficult time truly contemplating the pain and confusion you and others have suffered for many years which was primarily caused by close family members.

Yeah, my bio “sperm donor” was a parasitic psychopath aka trash, but you’ve read before that I never liked the dude, could sense his evil oozing of him in waves at a very early age.

Ignored him as much as I could until my beloved Mother left him high and dry without someone to sponge off of and drain her energy.

His residual influence upon me ended years and years ago. I knew he was flat out wrong even before I read my introductory book to PDIs, Without Conscience.

Anyway, enough about me-I ramble type.

I also think Keensight’s post was quite beautiful and oh so wise. She reminds me of Kathleen and Rune with their amazing brilliant minds yet retaining those essential virtues of compassion and empathy. So very important and valuable to me as a perpetual student.

Keensight,

You wrote…”Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us. Body and mind are one. Something as powerful as emotion needs physical expression. Everyone is taught to be nice, never show anger and stifle anything that others would find unacceptable or offensive.”

So true. But here’s my situation. I am sometimes little more than a sedate slug, chillin in my computer chair or cozied up on my comfy bed (my bestest friend, I know-pathetic) emersed in one of my super sci-fi epics.

Being a happy loner type also seems to decrease any sort of conflicts and melodrama. Who am I gonna argue with? My 2 cats? Me? Uh…no. That spells crazy cat lady. Must not be a cliche.

I don’t have any lingering negative emotions. Yeah, a few transient ones will pop up every once in a while but they’re in connection with past memories being stirred up. So I won’t forget where I’ve been and all the crap I allowed to be done to me. It’s beneficial now as I have thoroughly cleaned house in my head and heart.

Anyway, you are so correct in stating that we should keep our bodies in top form as well as our internal mechanisms.

I like walking. If forces me to actually SEE the world around me. To observe with all my senses how truly awesome it is be alive! And able to walk down the street, enjoying all the myriad varieties of life.

citykitty617

Thanks for the awesome post! It will be very helpful for me – I am going to share it with family members who think I have lost my mind for staying with my soon to be ex-husband for so long. Just filed for divorce due to lump detected in left breast – he makes hundreds of thousands per year and refuses to provide health insurance for the family. So now hopefully I will qualify for free care, not having any income and giving up my career to watch HIS children for the past 10 years. His first wife was institutionalized. Just wanted to share with everyone that it literally was a life and death choice that finally made me come around. Even now, I sometimes doubt my decision (what if it is just a cyst?). So hard.

Ox Drover

Dear Citykitty,

Glad you are here—you know, whatever prompted you to divorce him, I think you would be better off living in a tent and eating out of a dumpster behind mcDonald’s than living with a psychopath!

Welcome to LoveFraud, glad you are here! I hope your lump in your breast turns out to be a cyst, but get yourself to a mammogram and find out ASAP!

ErinBrock

CityKitty:
I’m with ya girl…..Sounds as if you have your priorities in check….take care of YOU!!!
Your moving in the right direction~Good for you!
Welcome!
XXOO
EB

citykitty617

Aww, thanks you guys (OxDrover and EB). I can’t tell you how helpful hearing everyones stories here has been for me. I have episodes of questioning my sanity and intelligence, but to see how this can affect so many obviously kind and smart people gives me so much hope and makes me feel less alone. LOL about living in a tent. I do like camping…..

Isabell

JaneSmith, and Keensight…

As much as I KNOW you are correct in the directive to take care of the body, and I ache for the days when I pre-trained for a Marathon, my life forbids time to be spent on me. I have three kids, two teenagers, and a 4th grader. Three different schools. Three sets of extracurricular activities. Legal insanity that has distracted me with a near OCD type of intent to make sure all the i’s have dots, and all the t’s have crosses, while trying to find gainful employment.

I often feel my heart beat so loudly, my body ebbs with each pulse. That’s not good. I will visualize, pray, and will the calming of each beat…knowing I need to be walking, at the very least, but cannot fit such in my day. I struggle to fit a shower in three times a week. Sadly, I’m not exagerating.

To my credit.. I have lost 22 pounds with 70 to go (under Dr.’s care).

And, tonight.. I glued on french manicured fake nails to prepair for the interview, tomorrow. It’s all fools gold. I mascarade in my past confidence, while struggling to hide a current sense of brokenness, and insecurity.

How I would love to expell all the pent up energy that surges through my body, daily… time constraints, and painful hips (arthritis) limit my ability to do so…Then I feel guilty for not carving out such time. It’s a vicious cycle.

witsend

Isabell,
Good luck on your interview. I think it is great idea that you took the extra time to prepare and put on the fake nails to boost your confidence. Feeling confident at an interview shouldn’t be underestimated.

When we are feeling down and not so “great” about ourselves and our situation sometimes confidence is one of those things that we can “fake it, till we make it” , kinda things while going to interviews.

I have lost all of my self confidence, during the last few years, so I know exactly what you mean.

Ox Drover

Dear Isabell,

I can relate to the “fake it til you make it thing” too, but I also advise you to MKAE TIME FOR YOURSELF. At one time I was living in ABSOLUTE poverty while going to finish up my degree with a “kid on each hip” and I was continually TIRED and stressed so I definitely can relate —oh, and I was working about 40 hours a week in addition, and driving 65 miles one-way to my college and I had to be there at 6:30 a.m. for clinicals which let out at 3:30, drive home, feed kids, write lpapers, study for tests, and oh, yea, WORK!

Your kids are big enough to HELP YOU, and that is one of the things I did for my kids was to teach them and insist that they help me with the house work, pet care, yard work etc.

I sat them down (they were younger than your oldest and a bit older than your youngest) and told them my JOB was to go back to school so I could get my degree and to work kand make money, andTHEIR JOBS were school and to help with the house.

I also found other single parents in my area that I could trade child care with and other tasks and built myself a support base and that helped. Networking is a good thing! It is the only thing that saved me.

Maybe your kids will pitch in and help you. I remember what 4 1/2 years of total stress while I was in school did to me. Looking back, I know that I should have taken better care of myself!!! So, yes, I’m nagging! But taking care of yourself is very important!!!! Once you run out of steam, who wil ltake care of your kids if you are melted into a puddle on the floor?

Look at your life and see where you can “cut out” NON-ESSENTIALS, see where you can cut time off of things, to save YOU! sometimes we are “too close to the trees to see the forest” and those of us that have “been there” may be able to direct you in seeing what is right before your nose.

SIMPLIFY! SIMPLIFY!

And good luck ktoday!!! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers fo ryou!!!

persephone7

Dear Isabell:

Reading your post put alot of things back into perspective for me today so
thank you. I remember days like yours when I was running around like
mad with my own kids, trying to manage on my own and then also attempting to’ be there’ for a disastrous second marriage. But keep knowing that you are doing a very good job – that the fake nails or whatever you can do to pump yourself up and keep going is great and just try like Oxy said to simplify where you can. And try to make out even a little bit of time for fun and recharging.

I’m so impressed you’ve lost 22 pounds, My God! I’ve been struggling to lose just 10 so you’re now my inspiration! Hope the interview goes well for you.

Ahh…here it is! I couldn’t remember the particular thread to visit after reading Isabell’s post late last night. Was going to respond to her when I was more lucid. Found it!

Seems you awesome, lovely folks found it before me!…haha. And offered oodles love, concern and wisdom.

I just wanted to say to her that she has so many responsibilities that her plate runneth over! I’m totally out of my league on this one. See, I have the decided luxury of not being a Mommy.

Chose a long time ago that making babies then molding and rearing them was just not my thing. I knew the sacrifice and responsibility involved and it terrified me. Still does!

So, Isabell sweetheart, you’re doing a super great job raising and caring for your children. I’m sure you are frazzled quite often ’cause I witnessed my own beloved Mother often in this state. That’s why I respect her so much. Trying to juggle work and raising 3 bratty daughters would have had me pulling my hair out in chunks!

Just try to take it easy on yourself. Please? And I’m sending you good mojo vibes for your job interview and all the obstacles that are trying to block your way.

xxooxxoo…
🙂

Ox Drover

Isabell,

Are you there? Tell us about your interview! ((hugs))))

Isabell

Witsend, Oxy, Persephone, and JaneSmith

THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!

What day, yesterday. Much accomplished on many levels. Your prayers and well wishes were definately felt and manifested.

Where to start? In addition to pressing on fack nails, the day before I had my kids help me scrub the inside, and ouside of my car. With limited time the car is neglected, ignored, and often looks like a heap of dysfunction. My son kept teasing me, “Yeah, Mom…you have to clean out the car cause the people who are interviewing you are going to come look at the inside of your car.” (I shampooed the carpet, dusted all the nobs, dash board, seats, vacuumed under the seats, and windexed the windows inside and out – till it looked near new.)Why all that OCD effort? I KNOW I’m operating on limited confidence, and having my car look like it had just been detailed was critical for me to mentally prepare on my drive to the interview. He didn’t get it. BUT I SURE DID. In fact, I parked just outside the reception area of the office and I was walked to the enterence as I left, I felt proud for them to notice me getting into a beautifully sparkling car. In spite of their complaints about cleaning the car, each one of the kids commented on how they felt less impoverished with the car cleaned up. EXACTLY!!!

The interview went extremely well. In fact, I liked this branch manager SO MUCH better then the one I had interviewed with. Right off the top she said, “I don’t micro manager” which is one of my pet peeves working for others. The first BM DID micro manage and made belittling, and condisending remarks that made my stomache hurt. Just like the regional manager and the VP has commented with I interviewed with them, this BM said, “I could easily see you in management.” She’s a fairly new BM, and young. I’ve been around the block, and have operated similar type businesses making my locations #! in the Nation. She’s open for ideas, support, and does not possess the need for control. She reminded me of myself in this way. I always hired people smarter and more experienced then me…that’s why I was so successful! She will be too — because she wants to hire me. ::grins::

Since I’ve already met the RM and the VP, the final phase is getting approval through the corporate office. I will know more mid week, and am anticipating starting on Monday.

Funny, in the past I would have be higher then a kite, sure that all my worries were over, at this stage. Now, I’m greatfully (or optomistically) apprehensive. If that makes sense.

“Fake it till you make it” is a constant theme in my life. When I was younger, I would pretend to be confident, experienced, intelligent. Now I pretend to me coharent, breathing, alive. (a little humor)

After the interview, I had to get a copy of my SS card for the food subsidy. When I walked in, I heard there was a 3 hour waiting period. I was seen within 15 minutes. “Whoo Hoo!!!”

I came home and found my unemployment check waiting for me in the mail (I wasn’t expecting it for 2-3 more days – Yippy!!! Bounce check charges averted. “Yippy!!!””

I quizzed my teen-aged daughter on her permit test (she’s failed it twice) She answered the questions from three tests and a driver’s training practice test, missing only 2. “Bravo!!!

After picking up the other two kids, my teen-aged daughter asked me to listen to a letter she wrote her her grandmother (the one that has rejected the kids because of the lies their father has said against the kids.) It was powerful. The letter recalled memories throughout her life with the grandparents, then it challenges the Grandparents to consider how the kids feel, listing every horrific thing they’ve seen and experienced at the hands of their father, then the letter asks how they could profess to know that their father is a liar, and cannot ever be trusted, to later reject the kids, without ever asking them what is happening. She challenges their mixed messages of not wanting anything to do with the kids, calling them ruined, to expressing how much they miss the kids. She called them hypocrits. She closed the letter stating she wants nothing to do with them, EVER. “Any grandparent that could reject small children, because of the lies of the father, KNOWING he is a liar, are not true grandparents. They are fake, heartless, and as cruel as our father who broke our hearts, shattered our dreams, and took the magic out of our childhood.”

In the collapse of our life as we once knew it, and the subesequent terrorist attacks by their father, financially, emotionally, legally, and by proxy through his family system… I’ve made mistakes. Mistakes that cut at the core of who I am, and the type of mother I intended to be. Mistakes made as a result of just trying to survive, by minimizing the pain. I have felt deep shame, sorrow, and embarassment. Sometimes feeling I’m only a thread above their father as a parent.

My teen-aged daughter wrote me a song from her perspective of what she’s seen happen to me in the process of our nightmare. The truth will set us free; but first, it hurts like hell. And, with that said…I’m far harder on myself, then my children will ever perceive me. A reality I don’t feel worthy of, but even so, I am greatful.

Oxy, there was a time when I home schooled. I had a two week boot camp on home maintence, chores, and taking personal responsiblity for ourselves. After that two weeks, I didn’t have to tell my kids to do anything for two years. They were self managed. At that time the two middle kids were 8, 5. My teenager, and baby didn’t quite get the same message. Nonetheless, we all worked together, and maintaining the house was easy, untill…our world turned upside down. It seems the shock, and continued trama, as well as the manic pace of conflicting time schedule demands keeps everyone off balance. Through the tearful, heartfelt honesty, yesterday…there was an awareness that everyone needs to snap out of it, now. When I see the house disrespected, and when they fight over “it’s not my turn, ” all my effort and energy spent fighting the legal battles, and financial burdens to keep them in the only home they’ve ever known feel it’s in vain. I feel disrespected when our belongings are disrespected, and everyone is protesting having to pitch in. This was a eye opener for the younger three. My oldest daughter, son-in-law still have to be talked to, and that’s another story… for a later date.

By the end of the night, I found 30 mintues to read Black Beauty with my youngest. What an amazing story. I’ve never read it before, but was taken back by the journey this once beautiful and perfect horse has been on in dealing with various masters and groomers that were S/P/N personality types. What a clear example of, “It’s not your fault.” The saddest part of the story are the injuries Beauty sustained at the hands of the heartless, making Beauty less wanted and valued. Due to the injuries, Beauty no longer had the qualities of being the show horse as he was bread to be and was sold to a master that rented him out to handlers that did not know how to properly care for or drive a horse. Beauty was subjected to even more abusive treatement by drivers that don’t know how to property drive a horse, simply “because he was such a good natured horse:” the owner knew he wouldn’t react to the crewl treatment.

This reminds me of us here at LF. We have been injured, and devalued. The devalue is in our minds, our psyche, our self perception. Then we subject ourselves to further abuse because we are so good natured at the core, we know we can make the adjustments, justifications, rationalizations, and well the poor saps need us to ebb and flow through their insanity, right. Besides…who is going to want an injured soul like me? Isn’t that at the core of our thinking as well? Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m being totally honest, I have to admit it outloud… well, as outloud as I can be in this forum.

Deep in thought on this one… I hope it makes sense.

At the time of this writing, I’ve made three different trips to three different schools. Upon the final paragraph, I received a phone call…..

“We’d like to reach out to you, and make an offer. Can you start, tomorrow? The owner of the company, at the corporate office approved this in one day. It usually takes a week. They called him on his cell, and he said, ‘Get her in here right away.’ He never does this before. You’ve made quite an impression. ”

OK… now, I’m crying. Excited, and scared to death. In my lack of time, I’m adding 10 more hours a day to fit in while restructuring the juggling of my kids activities, and this job will require that I prove myself over, and over, again. On the one hand, piece of cake. On the other hand… fear and panic.

My bed is still covered with stacks of legal documentation that requires at least a minimum of 3 more weeks of 60 hours of work to complete the ledgers, and cross referenced notations so that my attorney will understand everything, without me having to explain. The most important things he has, but the arguments to back up those things… are in the details.

I don’t like feeling undone, scattered, and ill-prepared. It is what it is, however. I’ll have to adjust and be flexible through this transition.

This job will definately put me back in the main stream of the living; making new connections with multiple business owners and HR Managers. Fake it, fake it, fake it, fake it… I’ve a lot of catching up to do.

Oh, by the way…I have been hired as an Account Executive for a leading National staffing agency. God willing, if I make this opportunity a success, I can live anywhere in the US and have a job. Heck, even living a county a way, will fully influence a total NC…as my ex is paranoid to go anywhere outside of 15 miles the radius of his home. Heheheee.. That’s a motivation in itself.

Ok… I’m off to the dentist. An old filling to replace, and a new filling to fix.

Thank you again for the support, prayers, and good mojo vibes. If anyone ever says that such does not influence, is totally clueless. I felt it all day, yesterday. And, the results were amazing. Lots of healing still to do — one day at a time.

I love you all,

B

Isabell

Ummm.. I didn’t spell check, or grammer check, and wow.. lots of mistakes. Sorry about that. :-\

witsend

Isabell,
I am soooooo impressed! OMG girl, you are going places. Wow you must have really had a great series of interviews.

You have alot going on right now and you might be thinking how you are going to juggle all of this. But you will manage.

This job will help your self esteem in a way that nothing else could. I think that you have underestimated yourself. The impression they recieved of you is who you really are.
They see successful and they are right on!
GOOD for you…

super chic

Isabell, you and your kids are FABULOUS!!!!!

Ox Drover

WOW!!!ISABELL!!!!!!!

Great post and I am so proud of you and for you!

I’m glad too that you took the time to read Black Beauty to your child, that is so important and the story itself is really about a horse as a victim of Ps. I hadn’t thought of that story in years, but it is definitely that. So many stories like that are the result of Ps behavior toward someone or something.

I am just so stoked that you have the job and that fast!!! WOW!!!! I know the panic of starting a new job though, and the stress of those changes in your life.

Sounds like your daughter gets it though, and I am so glad for her, and glad that she confronted the GM with her letter. It may not accomplish anyting with GM but I am sure it made your daughter feel better and will give her closure with that dysfunctional relative.

I know it will lbe a squeeze to fit in 50 hours a week of driving time and working, but I suggest that you sit down and talk to your kids about how this is going to effect them, and that YOU NEED their support, help with the younger kid(s) and with the house. You might also talk to them about the sacrifices in your time and hauling them here and there that will come from the fact that you are working and won’t be available to them 24/7 for these things.

You might get them to proritize which activities are really important to them, and make some concessions. when I was in college and a single parent, my kids ages were 8 and 11 when I started and it took me 4 years, and during that time, my kids did probably 90% of the house work and general cleaning, as they got older they did the garden and the yard work as well. They saw a benefit in doing this helping because it did give me time to take them places because I wasn’t having to come home from my full time job and full time school and clean house.

Teaching our kids to do “life skills” such as house cleaning, clothing care, and cooking I think is something many parents neglect and to me that is something every child should learn by doing because it is part of keeping a household together and running well. I only had sons, but by the time they got out of highschool they could all keep house as well as any middle aged woman, care for clothing, sew a little (in one case Knit) do car care and maintence, knew gardening, animal care, etc. Each of the two who weren’t Ps worked and chipped in 1/3 of their net income to “household expenses” and 1/3 for their own separate expenses, and 1/3 for savings.

My two sons who are “normal” guys, are multitalented, willing to do their share of housework, yard work, farm work, as well as hold jobs and dont’ feel that they are being “picked on” and willingly do their share. In the beginning, it took more time to teach them than it would have done to do it myself, but Ii am proud of the fact that I took the time to teach then.

It amazes me how many kids getout of highschool and/or college and have no idea how to manage life skills including financial management.

Annie

Isabel,
You are one very impressive woman. And whatever else you do in your life, you should take great pride that you’ve raised one very together, and very wise, daughter. Her letter to her grandparents blew me away. To raise a child who is that together when you had to work against the influence of her father is a real testament to you.

You go girl!!!

Annie

Rosa, Persephone7, Keensight, Isabel,
I loved what you had to say about exercise:

“Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us.”

“Somehow you need to decompress or you die, emotionally or literally””

When I was much younger I lived in the mountains and ran, or skiied, or biked daily. Now that I’m older and living in the city, and more in touch with (euphamism for struggling with…) my negative emotions, I live a fairly hermit-like life. And my health has really suffered. Your conversation took me back to a time when I felt free and happy. Of course, the only predators I had to worry about on my daily runs back then were black bears – much easier to deal with than the human kind!

I was never a great tennis player, but your exchange made me feel like I was there playing with you. It makes me want to take it up again! Thanks for inspiring me to get back outdoors again.

persephone7

Isabel:

It is so good to read through your post and hear that you got the job! You
don’t know how inspiring your story is to me, regarding your struggles, having raised good kids through thick and thin and being stressed to the
max at times. I know how going to that mailbox and finding an early check
is like a gift from God when you’re up against the wall and fighting to keep
the much-needed faith in yourself. Congratulations, and you sound so happy, I’m happy for you.

Annie – please go out and try to hit with someone (tennis, I mean) or
just find a good backboard at a court if possible (and think about just
taking a lesson!) It’s a wonderful sport. Glad you feel inspired to get
out of doors now again. I’ve been feeling low, when I decided to look
here and just read, it was so nice to read Isabel’s and your posts, it is
a shot in the arm for me, so thanks. Best to everyone, hoping Rosa
is still out hitting and doing well, Keensight too. Take care.

Send this to a friend