By Ox Drover
There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don’t have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are.
Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don’t want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun may not come up tomorrow morning, or that if we drive or float far enough that we will fall off the edge of the world. But somehow, slowly, we start to believe that we can’t make it without the psychopathic partner to tell us how things are. We are compelled to believe them or to give them up. We make ourselves believe that we are mean, controlling, worthless, and that we couldn’t live without them. We make ourselves believe that our lives would be devoid of happiness without the psychopathic partner, mother, sister, brother, child.
The very thought of leaving them becomes unthinkable. The very thought of them leaving us terrifies us, and we scramble to do anything to make them stay, to make them love us. We endure the crazy-making; we force square pegs of falsehoods into round holes of what we can see with our own eyes, force them with a hammer if necessary.
When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.
But then they strike out again, sinking the venomous fangs of words into our flesh. We feel the pain with each strike, straight to the heart. We argue and try to defend ourselves, but they project the pain back to us—it really is our own fault, if we would just try harder everything would be wonderful.
We know we are trying hard, we know we are giving all we can give, but it isn’t enough, it’s never enough. It’s all because we didn’t believe enough, didn’t trust enough, we have to have faith. No matter if our eyes see the sky is dark, we must say it is light. We must believe it is light. We must believe they love us. To not believe is not possible; it would be too painful. What person who loved us, truly loved us, would stay with anyone like us if they didn’t truly love us and want to make us better for them? They work so hard at helping us be perfect, but we just never measure up. We must believe the unbelievable, that we are worthless.
But one day, we wake up, and the sun is really shining, and we see the truth, the real honest to God truth. We have believed the unbelievable, we have violated ourselves by denying the truths we saw, the truths we knew. We have sold our souls to this person who really didn’t love us at all. Our life can go on without pain, without twisting and turning to put the square peg of falsehood into the hole of truth.
Only the round peg of truth will fit into the round hole of truth. The square peg of falsehood held by our lover, our friend, our relative, won’t fit. No matter how we try to cram it in, or how much of a failure they tell us we are because we can’t make it fit, we see. Really see!
It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to try to cram that square peg into the round hole. Why didn’t they just accept the truth? Why did they demand we believe the unbelievable—that they loved us? People who really love us don’t treat us this way. They encourage us, not denigrate us. They support us, not knock us down.
But most of all, people who love us, really love us, do not demand that we believe the unbelievable—their lies. Then we realize that isn’t myself that is the lie, it is them. The very ones we love that are the lie. Our lives can go on and go on without the pain of trying to make ourselves believe the unbelievable—that they love us.
But we have a child together—they must love our child, all parents love their children. How could my own mother not really love me? All mothers love their children. I’ve been a good: wife, mother, friend, lover, parent; how can they not love me? It’s unbelievable that they don’t love me. I can’t believe if I try harder they won’t see the truth and love me back. Surely there is some magic phrase that I can find and say to them that will make them see. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how they hurt me.
There comes a time when the unbelievable becomes believable and we face the truth. The painful truth that the one we love most in the world doesn’t love us. It is not unbelievable anymore; it’s a fact, just like the sun comes up in the morning. We don’t have to understand how or why the truth is the truth, we just have to believe the truth. The truth will set us free. Free from the pain of square pegs in round holes.
I guess tennis shouldn’t get us off-topic, but maybe it fits in with the idea that amidst the unbelievable – you still need to find someway to keep your
emotions and your body healthy and alive! Somehow you need to decompress or you die, emotionally or literally…so many times when I was so sad, or frustrated or just wanting to be out of my own head and didn’t want to talk to anyone – I would take a long walk by a favorite river or
marsh – or I’d go out alone to the courts and serve balls – I now possess a very strong serve(and a permanent bruise on one shin because some of my follow-throughs came down there, I choose to see it as a small badge
of honor now…)
God gives us many options to help us heal, we all choose our different ways of doing it. In doing that, we become stronger people – like Oxy said, less
worried about what others think. I’m still an emotional tennis player at times, not as incredibly consistent every time I go out as I’d like but I know part of that
is that right now I can’t play as much as I’d like and get rusty…other times, I just know I have good emotional days and less than stellar ones, and sometimes
my game reflects that. But I don’t beat myself up about it anymore, I either choose not to go out, or if I do go, I just commit to having fun and enjoying the
people there who are there for their own release and capacity for joy. And the truth of that is that I can go out and create my own fun, my own joy.
Dear Persephone7 –
What you said about finding a way to keep your emotions and body healthy and alive is so true. Needing to decompress is
something most of us have to force ourselves to do in the beginning.
Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not
acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us. Body and mind are one. Something as powerful as emotion needs
physical expression. Everyone is taught to be nice, never show anger and stifle anything that others would find unacceptable or offensive.
What they forget to share is how to channel that energy appropriately in ways that don’t harm self or others.
Your tennis game and the way you describe it is a good way to think about living life. It also underscores how important
being grounded in your body is. Physical excercise, communing with nature on long walks and anything that gets you in touch with what your body needs during stressful experiences, helps us to learn how to harness negative energies and use them to maintain equanimity.
I like to take my dogs for long walks. I focus on the beauty
I see in nature around me and on my breathing. It helps to
clear my mind and release what is unresolvable. Running and
lifting weights are other ways that I expend energy that would otherwise just become poison.
And you know Persephone7, what you said about committing to having fun and enjoying others who are there for their own
release and capacity for joy, should be a motto for all survivors. Learning to seek out others who maintain a positive
and loving attitude, those who want the very best that life has to offer, and are also willing to do the work of providing it for
themselves, even when no one else is around to share these gifts, is a sure sign of a healthy person.
Life, sure isn’t a game, as any of us can attest, but knowing how to return what others serve up to us and how we in turn choose to serve back to them comes from emotional awareness both in our heads and in our bodies. Recognition
and acknowledgment of them allows us to act in our best interests, not just to react without awareness. Staying grounded physically is one key to that. Creating your own joy
and fun is another. A capacity for both is essential for healing.
You’re correct on both counts and stated that beautifully.
Wonderful article! When I finally faced the truth I was a little crumpled up ball on the floor, I’m getting to know myself, I am standing up now. When I smile now it’s not painted on. I think sometimes I’m still going through the pain but it’s better than the alternative — which was me too scared to let go. Thank you for your insights, it’s like you can see into a persons soul.
keensight, thank you to you also, I really like your post about learning the value of ourselves!!
Keensight: thanks for your kind words and I loved your post above…I was thinking how just being out in nature has helped, you talk about taking your dogs for long walks. I don’t
walk much by the marsh anymore, but when I did – I would watch the area of the cattails and trees go through all the seasons – the whole marsh in winter looks almost dead and
brown – it was hard to imagine it ever coming back to life. But each spring, what a revelation as it would slowly regenerate, little patches and buds of green appearing and then
this whole glorious vision of green with all the birds flying about, frogs croaking, wildflowers painting a colorful border along the trail I’d walk. “To everything, turn, turn, turn…
There is a season, turn, turn, turn…”- nature illustrates it so beautifully for us each and everyday and we are a part of that and can recognize the cycles and seasons within our
healing and within the cycles of our lives – and especially within this group of friends here who are in different stages of regeneration.
As you said, Keensight, sometimes we don’t realize how much damage has been done to us, so we need to take very gentle, continuous care of ourselves in every way.
Nice posts about healing and nature! Enjoyed those!
I’ve had animals for years….and when people asked me why I loved horses so much-I always said they were my therapy. My x hated the way I turned to my animals [horses, dogs, cats, rabbit]for love and spent so much time with them. [I did rescue for years and worked with shelters/rescues] But, you know, I read where they are using horses as therapy with Jaycee Duggard.
Rosa: I am glad you are full of energy and having fun working out and playing tennis! 🙂
Dear Chic,
Glad you are doing better! It does take time, and work too. focusing on ourselves, the positive things, the good things, and seeing THOSE instead of the negative things.
I think Persephone and Keeninsight have some good points, and Rosa too, i nher tennis playing. Do something nice for yourself, take a walk, look at something pretty in your environment, even something small, and appreciate that thing. How it is beautiful and unique. Let the appreciating seep into your pores! Then appreciate yourself.
“Let the appreciating seep into your pores! Then appreciate yourself.”
Oxy… ::deep heavy sigh::
Today, I deep cleaned my bathroom. A bathroom that 7 people use. It once was my sancuary (hot tub, mood light, and all). As I cleaned every nook and cranny, I thought…This IS focusing on myself. I love a clean, sparkling, uncluttered bathroom to put myself together in. Since I share it with all my kids (two other bathrooms unfinished- thank you ex), my bathroom often becomes a feeding ground of icky.
Some might not view cleaning as a gift, but when I was finished, and took a long hot shower, and put myself together… I was like a giddy little girl. This is my way of taking care of myself.
EVERYBODY must discover and KNOW their way of self of taking care of themselves.
Dear Isabell,
Thank you for sharing that! It IS a way to care for yourself. After my husband died in an accident (5 yrs ago now) my son who was also injured and I sat for months and just looked at the dirt pile up. We did not clean, we did not care for ourselves, we just SAT…cleaning is a GIFT and it shows YOU that YOUR desires are important. It is something nice we can do for ourselves.
The cleaning doesn’t “last” forever (kids are dirty little messes! LOL) but for THAT moment, that time, that instant, it was YOURS and it was CLEAN for YOU! ((((hugs))) You did good girlfriend!
Now, get you a “how to” book and start on fixing up those other bathrooms for the curtain climbers! LOL
Oxy… I love you!!!!