By Ox Drover
There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don’t have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are.
Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don’t want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun may not come up tomorrow morning, or that if we drive or float far enough that we will fall off the edge of the world. But somehow, slowly, we start to believe that we can’t make it without the psychopathic partner to tell us how things are. We are compelled to believe them or to give them up. We make ourselves believe that we are mean, controlling, worthless, and that we couldn’t live without them. We make ourselves believe that our lives would be devoid of happiness without the psychopathic partner, mother, sister, brother, child.
The very thought of leaving them becomes unthinkable. The very thought of them leaving us terrifies us, and we scramble to do anything to make them stay, to make them love us. We endure the crazy-making; we force square pegs of falsehoods into round holes of what we can see with our own eyes, force them with a hammer if necessary.
When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.
But then they strike out again, sinking the venomous fangs of words into our flesh. We feel the pain with each strike, straight to the heart. We argue and try to defend ourselves, but they project the pain back to us—it really is our own fault, if we would just try harder everything would be wonderful.
We know we are trying hard, we know we are giving all we can give, but it isn’t enough, it’s never enough. It’s all because we didn’t believe enough, didn’t trust enough, we have to have faith. No matter if our eyes see the sky is dark, we must say it is light. We must believe it is light. We must believe they love us. To not believe is not possible; it would be too painful. What person who loved us, truly loved us, would stay with anyone like us if they didn’t truly love us and want to make us better for them? They work so hard at helping us be perfect, but we just never measure up. We must believe the unbelievable, that we are worthless.
But one day, we wake up, and the sun is really shining, and we see the truth, the real honest to God truth. We have believed the unbelievable, we have violated ourselves by denying the truths we saw, the truths we knew. We have sold our souls to this person who really didn’t love us at all. Our life can go on without pain, without twisting and turning to put the square peg of falsehood into the hole of truth.
Only the round peg of truth will fit into the round hole of truth. The square peg of falsehood held by our lover, our friend, our relative, won’t fit. No matter how we try to cram it in, or how much of a failure they tell us we are because we can’t make it fit, we see. Really see!
It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to try to cram that square peg into the round hole. Why didn’t they just accept the truth? Why did they demand we believe the unbelievable—that they loved us? People who really love us don’t treat us this way. They encourage us, not denigrate us. They support us, not knock us down.
But most of all, people who love us, really love us, do not demand that we believe the unbelievable—their lies. Then we realize that isn’t myself that is the lie, it is them. The very ones we love that are the lie. Our lives can go on and go on without the pain of trying to make ourselves believe the unbelievable—that they love us.
But we have a child together—they must love our child, all parents love their children. How could my own mother not really love me? All mothers love their children. I’ve been a good: wife, mother, friend, lover, parent; how can they not love me? It’s unbelievable that they don’t love me. I can’t believe if I try harder they won’t see the truth and love me back. Surely there is some magic phrase that I can find and say to them that will make them see. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how they hurt me.
There comes a time when the unbelievable becomes believable and we face the truth. The painful truth that the one we love most in the world doesn’t love us. It is not unbelievable anymore; it’s a fact, just like the sun comes up in the morning. We don’t have to understand how or why the truth is the truth, we just have to believe the truth. The truth will set us free. Free from the pain of square pegs in round holes.
Awesome post, Oxy.
I have a difficult time truly contemplating the pain and confusion you and others have suffered for many years which was primarily caused by close family members.
Yeah, my bio “sperm donor” was a parasitic psychopath aka trash, but you’ve read before that I never liked the dude, could sense his evil oozing of him in waves at a very early age.
Ignored him as much as I could until my beloved Mother left him high and dry without someone to sponge off of and drain her energy.
His residual influence upon me ended years and years ago. I knew he was flat out wrong even before I read my introductory book to PDIs, Without Conscience.
Anyway, enough about me-I ramble type.
I also think Keensight’s post was quite beautiful and oh so wise. She reminds me of Kathleen and Rune with their amazing brilliant minds yet retaining those essential virtues of compassion and empathy. So very important and valuable to me as a perpetual student.
Keensight,
You wrote…”Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us. Body and mind are one. Something as powerful as emotion needs physical expression. Everyone is taught to be nice, never show anger and stifle anything that others would find unacceptable or offensive.”
So true. But here’s my situation. I am sometimes little more than a sedate slug, chillin in my computer chair or cozied up on my comfy bed (my bestest friend, I know-pathetic) emersed in one of my super sci-fi epics.
Being a happy loner type also seems to decrease any sort of conflicts and melodrama. Who am I gonna argue with? My 2 cats? Me? Uh…no. That spells crazy cat lady. Must not be a cliche.
I don’t have any lingering negative emotions. Yeah, a few transient ones will pop up every once in a while but they’re in connection with past memories being stirred up. So I won’t forget where I’ve been and all the crap I allowed to be done to me. It’s beneficial now as I have thoroughly cleaned house in my head and heart.
Anyway, you are so correct in stating that we should keep our bodies in top form as well as our internal mechanisms.
I like walking. If forces me to actually SEE the world around me. To observe with all my senses how truly awesome it is be alive! And able to walk down the street, enjoying all the myriad varieties of life.
Thanks for the awesome post! It will be very helpful for me – I am going to share it with family members who think I have lost my mind for staying with my soon to be ex-husband for so long. Just filed for divorce due to lump detected in left breast – he makes hundreds of thousands per year and refuses to provide health insurance for the family. So now hopefully I will qualify for free care, not having any income and giving up my career to watch HIS children for the past 10 years. His first wife was institutionalized. Just wanted to share with everyone that it literally was a life and death choice that finally made me come around. Even now, I sometimes doubt my decision (what if it is just a cyst?). So hard.
Dear Citykitty,
Glad you are here—you know, whatever prompted you to divorce him, I think you would be better off living in a tent and eating out of a dumpster behind mcDonald’s than living with a psychopath!
Welcome to LoveFraud, glad you are here! I hope your lump in your breast turns out to be a cyst, but get yourself to a mammogram and find out ASAP!
CityKitty:
I’m with ya girl…..Sounds as if you have your priorities in check….take care of YOU!!!
Your moving in the right direction~Good for you!
Welcome!
XXOO
EB
Aww, thanks you guys (OxDrover and EB). I can’t tell you how helpful hearing everyones stories here has been for me. I have episodes of questioning my sanity and intelligence, but to see how this can affect so many obviously kind and smart people gives me so much hope and makes me feel less alone. LOL about living in a tent. I do like camping…..
JaneSmith, and Keensight…
As much as I KNOW you are correct in the directive to take care of the body, and I ache for the days when I pre-trained for a Marathon, my life forbids time to be spent on me. I have three kids, two teenagers, and a 4th grader. Three different schools. Three sets of extracurricular activities. Legal insanity that has distracted me with a near OCD type of intent to make sure all the i’s have dots, and all the t’s have crosses, while trying to find gainful employment.
I often feel my heart beat so loudly, my body ebbs with each pulse. That’s not good. I will visualize, pray, and will the calming of each beat…knowing I need to be walking, at the very least, but cannot fit such in my day. I struggle to fit a shower in three times a week. Sadly, I’m not exagerating.
To my credit.. I have lost 22 pounds with 70 to go (under Dr.’s care).
And, tonight.. I glued on french manicured fake nails to prepair for the interview, tomorrow. It’s all fools gold. I mascarade in my past confidence, while struggling to hide a current sense of brokenness, and insecurity.
How I would love to expell all the pent up energy that surges through my body, daily… time constraints, and painful hips (arthritis) limit my ability to do so…Then I feel guilty for not carving out such time. It’s a vicious cycle.
Isabell,
Good luck on your interview. I think it is great idea that you took the extra time to prepare and put on the fake nails to boost your confidence. Feeling confident at an interview shouldn’t be underestimated.
When we are feeling down and not so “great” about ourselves and our situation sometimes confidence is one of those things that we can “fake it, till we make it” , kinda things while going to interviews.
I have lost all of my self confidence, during the last few years, so I know exactly what you mean.
Dear Isabell,
I can relate to the “fake it til you make it thing” too, but I also advise you to MKAE TIME FOR YOURSELF. At one time I was living in ABSOLUTE poverty while going to finish up my degree with a “kid on each hip” and I was continually TIRED and stressed so I definitely can relate —oh, and I was working about 40 hours a week in addition, and driving 65 miles one-way to my college and I had to be there at 6:30 a.m. for clinicals which let out at 3:30, drive home, feed kids, write lpapers, study for tests, and oh, yea, WORK!
Your kids are big enough to HELP YOU, and that is one of the things I did for my kids was to teach them and insist that they help me with the house work, pet care, yard work etc.
I sat them down (they were younger than your oldest and a bit older than your youngest) and told them my JOB was to go back to school so I could get my degree and to work kand make money, andTHEIR JOBS were school and to help with the house.
I also found other single parents in my area that I could trade child care with and other tasks and built myself a support base and that helped. Networking is a good thing! It is the only thing that saved me.
Maybe your kids will pitch in and help you. I remember what 4 1/2 years of total stress while I was in school did to me. Looking back, I know that I should have taken better care of myself!!! So, yes, I’m nagging! But taking care of yourself is very important!!!! Once you run out of steam, who wil ltake care of your kids if you are melted into a puddle on the floor?
Look at your life and see where you can “cut out” NON-ESSENTIALS, see where you can cut time off of things, to save YOU! sometimes we are “too close to the trees to see the forest” and those of us that have “been there” may be able to direct you in seeing what is right before your nose.
SIMPLIFY! SIMPLIFY!
And good luck ktoday!!! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers fo ryou!!!
Dear Isabell:
Reading your post put alot of things back into perspective for me today so
thank you. I remember days like yours when I was running around like
mad with my own kids, trying to manage on my own and then also attempting to’ be there’ for a disastrous second marriage. But keep knowing that you are doing a very good job – that the fake nails or whatever you can do to pump yourself up and keep going is great and just try like Oxy said to simplify where you can. And try to make out even a little bit of time for fun and recharging.
I’m so impressed you’ve lost 22 pounds, My God! I’ve been struggling to lose just 10 so you’re now my inspiration! Hope the interview goes well for you.