By Ox Drover
There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don’t have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are.
Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don’t want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun may not come up tomorrow morning, or that if we drive or float far enough that we will fall off the edge of the world. But somehow, slowly, we start to believe that we can’t make it without the psychopathic partner to tell us how things are. We are compelled to believe them or to give them up. We make ourselves believe that we are mean, controlling, worthless, and that we couldn’t live without them. We make ourselves believe that our lives would be devoid of happiness without the psychopathic partner, mother, sister, brother, child.
The very thought of leaving them becomes unthinkable. The very thought of them leaving us terrifies us, and we scramble to do anything to make them stay, to make them love us. We endure the crazy-making; we force square pegs of falsehoods into round holes of what we can see with our own eyes, force them with a hammer if necessary.
When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.
But then they strike out again, sinking the venomous fangs of words into our flesh. We feel the pain with each strike, straight to the heart. We argue and try to defend ourselves, but they project the pain back to us—it really is our own fault, if we would just try harder everything would be wonderful.
We know we are trying hard, we know we are giving all we can give, but it isn’t enough, it’s never enough. It’s all because we didn’t believe enough, didn’t trust enough, we have to have faith. No matter if our eyes see the sky is dark, we must say it is light. We must believe it is light. We must believe they love us. To not believe is not possible; it would be too painful. What person who loved us, truly loved us, would stay with anyone like us if they didn’t truly love us and want to make us better for them? They work so hard at helping us be perfect, but we just never measure up. We must believe the unbelievable, that we are worthless.
But one day, we wake up, and the sun is really shining, and we see the truth, the real honest to God truth. We have believed the unbelievable, we have violated ourselves by denying the truths we saw, the truths we knew. We have sold our souls to this person who really didn’t love us at all. Our life can go on without pain, without twisting and turning to put the square peg of falsehood into the hole of truth.
Only the round peg of truth will fit into the round hole of truth. The square peg of falsehood held by our lover, our friend, our relative, won’t fit. No matter how we try to cram it in, or how much of a failure they tell us we are because we can’t make it fit, we see. Really see!
It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to try to cram that square peg into the round hole. Why didn’t they just accept the truth? Why did they demand we believe the unbelievable—that they loved us? People who really love us don’t treat us this way. They encourage us, not denigrate us. They support us, not knock us down.
But most of all, people who love us, really love us, do not demand that we believe the unbelievable—their lies. Then we realize that isn’t myself that is the lie, it is them. The very ones we love that are the lie. Our lives can go on and go on without the pain of trying to make ourselves believe the unbelievable—that they love us.
But we have a child together—they must love our child, all parents love their children. How could my own mother not really love me? All mothers love their children. I’ve been a good: wife, mother, friend, lover, parent; how can they not love me? It’s unbelievable that they don’t love me. I can’t believe if I try harder they won’t see the truth and love me back. Surely there is some magic phrase that I can find and say to them that will make them see. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how they hurt me.
There comes a time when the unbelievable becomes believable and we face the truth. The painful truth that the one we love most in the world doesn’t love us. It is not unbelievable anymore; it’s a fact, just like the sun comes up in the morning. We don’t have to understand how or why the truth is the truth, we just have to believe the truth. The truth will set us free. Free from the pain of square pegs in round holes.
Ahh…here it is! I couldn’t remember the particular thread to visit after reading Isabell’s post late last night. Was going to respond to her when I was more lucid. Found it!
Seems you awesome, lovely folks found it before me!…haha. And offered oodles love, concern and wisdom.
I just wanted to say to her that she has so many responsibilities that her plate runneth over! I’m totally out of my league on this one. See, I have the decided luxury of not being a Mommy.
Chose a long time ago that making babies then molding and rearing them was just not my thing. I knew the sacrifice and responsibility involved and it terrified me. Still does!
So, Isabell sweetheart, you’re doing a super great job raising and caring for your children. I’m sure you are frazzled quite often ’cause I witnessed my own beloved Mother often in this state. That’s why I respect her so much. Trying to juggle work and raising 3 bratty daughters would have had me pulling my hair out in chunks!
Just try to take it easy on yourself. Please? And I’m sending you good mojo vibes for your job interview and all the obstacles that are trying to block your way.
xxooxxoo…
🙂
Isabell,
Are you there? Tell us about your interview! ((hugs))))
Witsend, Oxy, Persephone, and JaneSmith
THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!
What day, yesterday. Much accomplished on many levels. Your prayers and well wishes were definately felt and manifested.
Where to start? In addition to pressing on fack nails, the day before I had my kids help me scrub the inside, and ouside of my car. With limited time the car is neglected, ignored, and often looks like a heap of dysfunction. My son kept teasing me, “Yeah, Mom…you have to clean out the car cause the people who are interviewing you are going to come look at the inside of your car.” (I shampooed the carpet, dusted all the nobs, dash board, seats, vacuumed under the seats, and windexed the windows inside and out – till it looked near new.)Why all that OCD effort? I KNOW I’m operating on limited confidence, and having my car look like it had just been detailed was critical for me to mentally prepare on my drive to the interview. He didn’t get it. BUT I SURE DID. In fact, I parked just outside the reception area of the office and I was walked to the enterence as I left, I felt proud for them to notice me getting into a beautifully sparkling car. In spite of their complaints about cleaning the car, each one of the kids commented on how they felt less impoverished with the car cleaned up. EXACTLY!!!
The interview went extremely well. In fact, I liked this branch manager SO MUCH better then the one I had interviewed with. Right off the top she said, “I don’t micro manager” which is one of my pet peeves working for others. The first BM DID micro manage and made belittling, and condisending remarks that made my stomache hurt. Just like the regional manager and the VP has commented with I interviewed with them, this BM said, “I could easily see you in management.” She’s a fairly new BM, and young. I’ve been around the block, and have operated similar type businesses making my locations #! in the Nation. She’s open for ideas, support, and does not possess the need for control. She reminded me of myself in this way. I always hired people smarter and more experienced then me…that’s why I was so successful! She will be too — because she wants to hire me. ::grins::
Since I’ve already met the RM and the VP, the final phase is getting approval through the corporate office. I will know more mid week, and am anticipating starting on Monday.
Funny, in the past I would have be higher then a kite, sure that all my worries were over, at this stage. Now, I’m greatfully (or optomistically) apprehensive. If that makes sense.
“Fake it till you make it” is a constant theme in my life. When I was younger, I would pretend to be confident, experienced, intelligent. Now I pretend to me coharent, breathing, alive. (a little humor)
After the interview, I had to get a copy of my SS card for the food subsidy. When I walked in, I heard there was a 3 hour waiting period. I was seen within 15 minutes. “Whoo Hoo!!!”
I came home and found my unemployment check waiting for me in the mail (I wasn’t expecting it for 2-3 more days – Yippy!!! Bounce check charges averted. “Yippy!!!””
I quizzed my teen-aged daughter on her permit test (she’s failed it twice) She answered the questions from three tests and a driver’s training practice test, missing only 2. “Bravo!!!
After picking up the other two kids, my teen-aged daughter asked me to listen to a letter she wrote her her grandmother (the one that has rejected the kids because of the lies their father has said against the kids.) It was powerful. The letter recalled memories throughout her life with the grandparents, then it challenges the Grandparents to consider how the kids feel, listing every horrific thing they’ve seen and experienced at the hands of their father, then the letter asks how they could profess to know that their father is a liar, and cannot ever be trusted, to later reject the kids, without ever asking them what is happening. She challenges their mixed messages of not wanting anything to do with the kids, calling them ruined, to expressing how much they miss the kids. She called them hypocrits. She closed the letter stating she wants nothing to do with them, EVER. “Any grandparent that could reject small children, because of the lies of the father, KNOWING he is a liar, are not true grandparents. They are fake, heartless, and as cruel as our father who broke our hearts, shattered our dreams, and took the magic out of our childhood.”
In the collapse of our life as we once knew it, and the subesequent terrorist attacks by their father, financially, emotionally, legally, and by proxy through his family system… I’ve made mistakes. Mistakes that cut at the core of who I am, and the type of mother I intended to be. Mistakes made as a result of just trying to survive, by minimizing the pain. I have felt deep shame, sorrow, and embarassment. Sometimes feeling I’m only a thread above their father as a parent.
My teen-aged daughter wrote me a song from her perspective of what she’s seen happen to me in the process of our nightmare. The truth will set us free; but first, it hurts like hell. And, with that said…I’m far harder on myself, then my children will ever perceive me. A reality I don’t feel worthy of, but even so, I am greatful.
Oxy, there was a time when I home schooled. I had a two week boot camp on home maintence, chores, and taking personal responsiblity for ourselves. After that two weeks, I didn’t have to tell my kids to do anything for two years. They were self managed. At that time the two middle kids were 8, 5. My teenager, and baby didn’t quite get the same message. Nonetheless, we all worked together, and maintaining the house was easy, untill…our world turned upside down. It seems the shock, and continued trama, as well as the manic pace of conflicting time schedule demands keeps everyone off balance. Through the tearful, heartfelt honesty, yesterday…there was an awareness that everyone needs to snap out of it, now. When I see the house disrespected, and when they fight over “it’s not my turn, ” all my effort and energy spent fighting the legal battles, and financial burdens to keep them in the only home they’ve ever known feel it’s in vain. I feel disrespected when our belongings are disrespected, and everyone is protesting having to pitch in. This was a eye opener for the younger three. My oldest daughter, son-in-law still have to be talked to, and that’s another story… for a later date.
By the end of the night, I found 30 mintues to read Black Beauty with my youngest. What an amazing story. I’ve never read it before, but was taken back by the journey this once beautiful and perfect horse has been on in dealing with various masters and groomers that were S/P/N personality types. What a clear example of, “It’s not your fault.” The saddest part of the story are the injuries Beauty sustained at the hands of the heartless, making Beauty less wanted and valued. Due to the injuries, Beauty no longer had the qualities of being the show horse as he was bread to be and was sold to a master that rented him out to handlers that did not know how to properly care for or drive a horse. Beauty was subjected to even more abusive treatement by drivers that don’t know how to property drive a horse, simply “because he was such a good natured horse:” the owner knew he wouldn’t react to the crewl treatment.
This reminds me of us here at LF. We have been injured, and devalued. The devalue is in our minds, our psyche, our self perception. Then we subject ourselves to further abuse because we are so good natured at the core, we know we can make the adjustments, justifications, rationalizations, and well the poor saps need us to ebb and flow through their insanity, right. Besides…who is going to want an injured soul like me? Isn’t that at the core of our thinking as well? Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m being totally honest, I have to admit it outloud… well, as outloud as I can be in this forum.
Deep in thought on this one… I hope it makes sense.
At the time of this writing, I’ve made three different trips to three different schools. Upon the final paragraph, I received a phone call…..
“We’d like to reach out to you, and make an offer. Can you start, tomorrow? The owner of the company, at the corporate office approved this in one day. It usually takes a week. They called him on his cell, and he said, ‘Get her in here right away.’ He never does this before. You’ve made quite an impression. ”
OK… now, I’m crying. Excited, and scared to death. In my lack of time, I’m adding 10 more hours a day to fit in while restructuring the juggling of my kids activities, and this job will require that I prove myself over, and over, again. On the one hand, piece of cake. On the other hand… fear and panic.
My bed is still covered with stacks of legal documentation that requires at least a minimum of 3 more weeks of 60 hours of work to complete the ledgers, and cross referenced notations so that my attorney will understand everything, without me having to explain. The most important things he has, but the arguments to back up those things… are in the details.
I don’t like feeling undone, scattered, and ill-prepared. It is what it is, however. I’ll have to adjust and be flexible through this transition.
This job will definately put me back in the main stream of the living; making new connections with multiple business owners and HR Managers. Fake it, fake it, fake it, fake it… I’ve a lot of catching up to do.
Oh, by the way…I have been hired as an Account Executive for a leading National staffing agency. God willing, if I make this opportunity a success, I can live anywhere in the US and have a job. Heck, even living a county a way, will fully influence a total NC…as my ex is paranoid to go anywhere outside of 15 miles the radius of his home. Heheheee.. That’s a motivation in itself.
Ok… I’m off to the dentist. An old filling to replace, and a new filling to fix.
Thank you again for the support, prayers, and good mojo vibes. If anyone ever says that such does not influence, is totally clueless. I felt it all day, yesterday. And, the results were amazing. Lots of healing still to do — one day at a time.
I love you all,
B
Ummm.. I didn’t spell check, or grammer check, and wow.. lots of mistakes. Sorry about that. :-\
Isabell,
I am soooooo impressed! OMG girl, you are going places. Wow you must have really had a great series of interviews.
You have alot going on right now and you might be thinking how you are going to juggle all of this. But you will manage.
This job will help your self esteem in a way that nothing else could. I think that you have underestimated yourself. The impression they recieved of you is who you really are.
They see successful and they are right on!
GOOD for you…
Isabell, you and your kids are FABULOUS!!!!!
WOW!!!ISABELL!!!!!!!
Great post and I am so proud of you and for you!
I’m glad too that you took the time to read Black Beauty to your child, that is so important and the story itself is really about a horse as a victim of Ps. I hadn’t thought of that story in years, but it is definitely that. So many stories like that are the result of Ps behavior toward someone or something.
I am just so stoked that you have the job and that fast!!! WOW!!!! I know the panic of starting a new job though, and the stress of those changes in your life.
Sounds like your daughter gets it though, and I am so glad for her, and glad that she confronted the GM with her letter. It may not accomplish anyting with GM but I am sure it made your daughter feel better and will give her closure with that dysfunctional relative.
I know it will lbe a squeeze to fit in 50 hours a week of driving time and working, but I suggest that you sit down and talk to your kids about how this is going to effect them, and that YOU NEED their support, help with the younger kid(s) and with the house. You might also talk to them about the sacrifices in your time and hauling them here and there that will come from the fact that you are working and won’t be available to them 24/7 for these things.
You might get them to proritize which activities are really important to them, and make some concessions. when I was in college and a single parent, my kids ages were 8 and 11 when I started and it took me 4 years, and during that time, my kids did probably 90% of the house work and general cleaning, as they got older they did the garden and the yard work as well. They saw a benefit in doing this helping because it did give me time to take them places because I wasn’t having to come home from my full time job and full time school and clean house.
Teaching our kids to do “life skills” such as house cleaning, clothing care, and cooking I think is something many parents neglect and to me that is something every child should learn by doing because it is part of keeping a household together and running well. I only had sons, but by the time they got out of highschool they could all keep house as well as any middle aged woman, care for clothing, sew a little (in one case Knit) do car care and maintence, knew gardening, animal care, etc. Each of the two who weren’t Ps worked and chipped in 1/3 of their net income to “household expenses” and 1/3 for their own separate expenses, and 1/3 for savings.
My two sons who are “normal” guys, are multitalented, willing to do their share of housework, yard work, farm work, as well as hold jobs and dont’ feel that they are being “picked on” and willingly do their share. In the beginning, it took more time to teach them than it would have done to do it myself, but Ii am proud of the fact that I took the time to teach then.
It amazes me how many kids getout of highschool and/or college and have no idea how to manage life skills including financial management.
Isabel,
You are one very impressive woman. And whatever else you do in your life, you should take great pride that you’ve raised one very together, and very wise, daughter. Her letter to her grandparents blew me away. To raise a child who is that together when you had to work against the influence of her father is a real testament to you.
You go girl!!!
Rosa, Persephone7, Keensight, Isabel,
I loved what you had to say about exercise:
“Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us.”
“Somehow you need to decompress or you die, emotionally or literally””
When I was much younger I lived in the mountains and ran, or skiied, or biked daily. Now that I’m older and living in the city, and more in touch with (euphamism for struggling with…) my negative emotions, I live a fairly hermit-like life. And my health has really suffered. Your conversation took me back to a time when I felt free and happy. Of course, the only predators I had to worry about on my daily runs back then were black bears – much easier to deal with than the human kind!
I was never a great tennis player, but your exchange made me feel like I was there playing with you. It makes me want to take it up again! Thanks for inspiring me to get back outdoors again.
Isabel:
It is so good to read through your post and hear that you got the job! You
don’t know how inspiring your story is to me, regarding your struggles, having raised good kids through thick and thin and being stressed to the
max at times. I know how going to that mailbox and finding an early check
is like a gift from God when you’re up against the wall and fighting to keep
the much-needed faith in yourself. Congratulations, and you sound so happy, I’m happy for you.
Annie – please go out and try to hit with someone (tennis, I mean) or
just find a good backboard at a court if possible (and think about just
taking a lesson!) It’s a wonderful sport. Glad you feel inspired to get
out of doors now again. I’ve been feeling low, when I decided to look
here and just read, it was so nice to read Isabel’s and your posts, it is
a shot in the arm for me, so thanks. Best to everyone, hoping Rosa
is still out hitting and doing well, Keensight too. Take care.