By Ox Drover
There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don’t have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are.
Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don’t want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun may not come up tomorrow morning, or that if we drive or float far enough that we will fall off the edge of the world. But somehow, slowly, we start to believe that we can’t make it without the psychopathic partner to tell us how things are. We are compelled to believe them or to give them up. We make ourselves believe that we are mean, controlling, worthless, and that we couldn’t live without them. We make ourselves believe that our lives would be devoid of happiness without the psychopathic partner, mother, sister, brother, child.
The very thought of leaving them becomes unthinkable. The very thought of them leaving us terrifies us, and we scramble to do anything to make them stay, to make them love us. We endure the crazy-making; we force square pegs of falsehoods into round holes of what we can see with our own eyes, force them with a hammer if necessary.
When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.
But then they strike out again, sinking the venomous fangs of words into our flesh. We feel the pain with each strike, straight to the heart. We argue and try to defend ourselves, but they project the pain back to us—it really is our own fault, if we would just try harder everything would be wonderful.
We know we are trying hard, we know we are giving all we can give, but it isn’t enough, it’s never enough. It’s all because we didn’t believe enough, didn’t trust enough, we have to have faith. No matter if our eyes see the sky is dark, we must say it is light. We must believe it is light. We must believe they love us. To not believe is not possible; it would be too painful. What person who loved us, truly loved us, would stay with anyone like us if they didn’t truly love us and want to make us better for them? They work so hard at helping us be perfect, but we just never measure up. We must believe the unbelievable, that we are worthless.
But one day, we wake up, and the sun is really shining, and we see the truth, the real honest to God truth. We have believed the unbelievable, we have violated ourselves by denying the truths we saw, the truths we knew. We have sold our souls to this person who really didn’t love us at all. Our life can go on without pain, without twisting and turning to put the square peg of falsehood into the hole of truth.
Only the round peg of truth will fit into the round hole of truth. The square peg of falsehood held by our lover, our friend, our relative, won’t fit. No matter how we try to cram it in, or how much of a failure they tell us we are because we can’t make it fit, we see. Really see!
It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to try to cram that square peg into the round hole. Why didn’t they just accept the truth? Why did they demand we believe the unbelievable—that they loved us? People who really love us don’t treat us this way. They encourage us, not denigrate us. They support us, not knock us down.
But most of all, people who love us, really love us, do not demand that we believe the unbelievable—their lies. Then we realize that isn’t myself that is the lie, it is them. The very ones we love that are the lie. Our lives can go on and go on without the pain of trying to make ourselves believe the unbelievable—that they love us.
But we have a child together—they must love our child, all parents love their children. How could my own mother not really love me? All mothers love their children. I’ve been a good: wife, mother, friend, lover, parent; how can they not love me? It’s unbelievable that they don’t love me. I can’t believe if I try harder they won’t see the truth and love me back. Surely there is some magic phrase that I can find and say to them that will make them see. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how they hurt me.
There comes a time when the unbelievable becomes believable and we face the truth. The painful truth that the one we love most in the world doesn’t love us. It is not unbelievable anymore; it’s a fact, just like the sun comes up in the morning. We don’t have to understand how or why the truth is the truth, we just have to believe the truth. The truth will set us free. Free from the pain of square pegs in round holes.
Oxy,
I totally agree with you on raising kids with life skills. As we struggle to muddle through these transitions, I’m shocked by how often comments are made by other parents such as, “My kids would NEVER help around the house like your kids do. Everytime I come over here, your kids are washing dishes, running the vacuum, cleaning the pool, doing laundry…Howe do you get them to do it?” Funny how perspective is…I don’t think they do near enough, cause the house is always a mess! My house is a house where kids live…What more can I say?
What woke me up to training the kids life skills was a book called, “To Train Up a Child.” A simple read, but powerful. The idea is that kids, by the age of 8, are capable of running a household, except where true strength is required. This was the book, I based my home schooling boot camp on. Two weeks of setting out the expectations, showing how things are to be done, making lists, and inspecting the progress. There were rewards, and consequences. After that two weeks, I never had to tell them to do anything again, for two years.
Our life is more complicated, and there are other influencing factors that have interupted this flow. We WILL be addressing these issues shortly.
I took your advise and talked to the kids tonight. It’s funny, the teens are really excited I’m going back to work, it means things won’t be as tight as they have been. My youngest is bummed. She likes having me home. The lack of funds doesn’t matter to her. So, tonight, we spent a little longer reading together.
I overheard the kids talking. They have a week off at Thanksgiving. They are making plans to really scrub down the house, and get rid of things they no longer use, or need, to surprise me, while I’m at work. YIPPY!!!!
Annie, Persephone, JaneSmith, ShabbyChic…
What a cheerleading section you have been. Words will never begin to express the powerful influence this has on me, at this particular time of my life.
Persephone… I lost 90 pounds before, training for a marathon. The weight came off pretty quickly. I started with 10 minutes walking. That’s all I could do. I’d be so winded. But, I could do 10 minutes 3 times a day. Then I could walk 15 minutes, then 20. Then I’ tell myelf to walk through (on treadmill) through an episode of anything of interest. Then I would walk through two episodes, pretty soon, (and much was fueled by anger; I was still with my ex) I would crank the treadmill up to an incline of 10 and go for 10 miles.
When everything came crashing down, I was 90 pounds lighter and easier to pick up and toss. He also used my weight loss as evidence to convince other’s that I was having an affair (when really he was for nearly 10 years of our 14 year marriage – didn’t know this till after NC). The fact that my lighter frame made me easier to toss, and was used as evidence to discredit my character, I gained all of it back. How sad is that?
What is my motivation to lose the weight now? Hmmmm? I think enough time has passed, allowing evidence to surface that exposes him as the liar. People that believed him, now come to me and tell me that he’s lost all credibility with them, and this is his own doing, and nothing I had to say. My kids are questioned if I’m dating or not. It’s been almost five years, and I still have absolutely NO interest in dating, at all. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the time. I don’t want to add more chaos to my kids lives. My focus is providing for, and raising the kids — Period. And, with that, I became very concerned about my weight affecting my ability to raise them long enough for them to be independant. If something happened to me…he’d be free to destroy their sense of self worth. I CANNOT EVER LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
Since I’ve lost 22 pounds, my blood pressure has dropped from 138/80 to 114/60 (today) Whoo hoo!!!! I still have 70 pounds to lose, but it’s a start. How’d I do it… If it’s white, don’t bite. If it’s processed, give it a rest. If it tasts good, spit it out. A handful IS a meal, and not a snack. High protien, lots of green veggies, and apples. Only brown rice, and whole grain bread. Lots of water. My only vice is non-fat hazelnut creamer in my coffee.
I keep thinking…the longer I hold onto this weight, the longer it will take me to increase my income… the longer he will have to control, manipulate, and threaten me financially. So, now I have to reverse my thinking from before. I gained the weight back to feel safe. There is a couple lines in a (which I can’t for the life of me, remember the name of the group, and love them..anyway) The weight I gained meminds me of these lyrics, “I wrapped myself inside a blanket and sailed my ship to safety – until I sank it.” The extra weight kept me safe from being picked up and tossed. It kept me safe from other preditors who want to swoop in and rescue. It kept me safe from the temptation of wanting to be rescued.
I don’t want to sail this ship of safety till I sink it. And, being overweight and overstressed is sure fire way to sink the ship.
The weight doesn’t serve a purpose for me, anymore. So off it goes.
Annie
my daughter is truely remarkable. I wish I could take credit, but she was born this way. The first time I held her, and looked at her little face, I saw a fighter. I said, “This child is not going to take crap from anyone.” And, she certainly hasn’t. I HATE confrontation. She doesn’t hesitate to confront, and is NOT easily pushed off her point. She’s a truth seeker. When dealing with her, the truth, and only the truth, or she will call you out – and, it doesn’t matter to her who you are, or what position of authority you have – if you are a hypocritical liar, beware. People of the MASK cannot stand up against her passion for the truth. Her opinion cannot be bought as the grandparents, the ex and his new wife have found out. She’d make a great lawyer, but I don’t think she could represent anyone that she didn’t totally believe in.
My greatest influence with her has been to honor what God had already given her – clearness of thought, discernment, rational reasoning, and a built in lie detector.
Witsend…
“After awile you just stop trying to explain it. And in many ways that just adds to the isolation that you feel even when you are with people.” EXACTLY!!!!!
The magnitude of it all is too much for most to comprehend. So even sharing the small victories doesn’t compute in their perceptions as a victory, but more dwelling on the negative. A good friend, who is quite helpful with my youngest said…
When you get all this stuff final, we are going to have a bond fire, and you are going to throw all those boxes of papers into the fire, and we will celebrate that this nightmare is over, and has no more control of you. And, you will never speak of it or your ex again.” In that instant, I imagined 17 years of my life fade away; no longer valid, the bad or the good. As much as I want this all to be over, I don’t want to throw away the baby in the bath water, either. Again, I used this analogy earlier, it’s like saying…”Once you’ve recovered from your cancer, you can never speak of it again.”
I didn’t say anything in response. I’m still processing it. She’s been an amazing player in my recovery, but I’m not willing to let ANYONE tell me which parts of my life exprience are valid, and which parts are not valid; good, bad, or indifferent. Does this make sense?
Hi all,
I’m just catching up on LF posts tonight. Nice post Oxy, and there are some great responses.
Oxy, the answer to who wrote
For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
the saddest are these, “It might have been!”
is John Greenleaf Whittier
Classes have been keeping me hopping, seriously! So I have to catch up with the articles a comments afterhours, so to speak. So I haven’t been commenting much lately, but I have been reading the various threads, and seeing new “faces” – people contributing and looking for advice.
Take care all,
ARW
Hi everyone … its been a while..but Im back…I have a hard time seeking out help , isolating myself ,telling myself I can do it on my own and even more so to ask my so called “family” for help lets see where I am at now after letting him squirm his way back…. I have no job, a car that needs repair, facing an eviction, trying to finish this semester with 4 more classes left to my BLS Bachelors liberal studies in social welfare….. just barely enough left to move and survive… oh Ill stay and make sure your both “safe” or Ill go to a program with no idea how long it will take.. so what if he is sober that dosent cure it its a mask a symptom…ugggghhhh I am at the point where I am just wanting to have a big moving sale I am not materialistic I just want to start fresh I know I am capable of having a “normal relationship” and I deserve it and my child deserves to see that this was wrong on so many levels. Oh and how much weight I have gained sitting around not working… no energy not caring if I “look” good for who he didnt want me the way I am or will be and I am Dumb ass woman anyhow right… women are not smart.. he is superior all know I know what is best for us… yeah ok that is why I supported his lazy ass! and he sponged off of me ! for years until it came to this new beginnings are hard but I just need to remember that it was mostly all lies smoke and mirrors twisted and demeaning…. we are better off…. phew that was alot but all true ! my feeling are real!
My spirit is awake… dancing around my living room to Beyonce Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare!!!!!! ooww waayyy ouuuuuu whoo hoo ! I am FREE
Spirit 40
Welcome back – please feel free to express what you need to express. We all know what you’re experiencing.
Be strong. Kick the guy to the curb and move on. You can do it. You can rebuild your life.
Thank you! Donna I just stopped listening to myself …. my instincts my gut ignorance is not bliss…. ! I am happy to be back
Welcome back Spirit! ISABELL, you are a woman after my own heart! I’m so glad you are not also dealing with an out of control household of kids, and that makes a big difference. My P son didn’t get out of control at all until after I was through school. That at least helped!
Well, guys, it is one of (probably) the last few days of wonderful fall weather, sunny, crisp and wonderful so I am going to get my lazy arse out and up on my Fat Ass (for those of you who don’t know, my Fat Ass is my donkey Fat) and go for a ride while it is wonderful weather!
Keep it between the ditches, and I am so glad to see all the folks returning and all the new “faces” here at LF!
TOWANDA for us all!!!! (((hugs)))) Oxy
Isabell:
I AM THRILLED FOR YOU!!!!!!
GIRL…..it’s looking UP! GREAT NEWS…..Job, kids, EMPOWERMENT, Self Esteem…….YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!!!!
This is what happens when we take control….and yes….sometimes it’s just the appearance to others (kids) that we got it all handled…..and are faking it……but it becomes contageious and LOOK….here you are!!!
I can so relate with the faking it roll…….Fake a smile, fake i’m okay, fake a clean car! I do it all……but it becomes real at some point! And it beats that damn frown!
Work off your momentum. Don’t give that stack in your bedroom any stress….REALLY…..I know that stack…..just keep plugging through it and knock that off too….
It’s drudgery…..but totally necessary for the next success!!
I’m very proud of your daughter also, for taking the bull by the horns on her emotions re; the GP’s…and expressing herself in written form.
You have done a wonderful job with her, darling! Give yourself CREDIT!!!
The clean car….oh, how I can relate…..it’s like a clean desk to me…..and lately….NEITHER has been clean or presentable….so I too did something about BOTH this week! There really is something about driving a clean car…..
My car is used for business, it’s a constant load/unload…stuff here, stuff there……But….it’s clean now….and I am glad you got to park right outside the door and dazzle them with the sparkle….
All I have to say….Isabell….IS….YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
XXOO
EB
I am new to the Lovefraud Blog – I am comforted to find so many other people who understand what I have been through. Before today, I have never had a name for the insanity; it defied explanation. I would try to explain to friends or co-workers, and no one ever understood. I have been divorced from the sociopath father of my children for 18 years. I was so relieved after my daughters wedding, to know I would never have to deal with him again. But this week has proven me wrong. Here is where the phrase “believe the unbelieveable” caught my eye. My ex is what can be described as a “serial marrier”. Every woman he has ever been attached to fits the victim profile to a tee. Everyone of us would score over 30 on the Quiz! Those of us who have know each other have a certian comradarie – a bit of an ex-wives club thing going on; we have been a support to each other. What has now became the unbelievable, is the fact the we were never legally married to this man. In between all of his infidelity, the emotional and mental abuse, and the money problems, the marriages he rushed us into were never legitimate. In my case, I was young & he was (well, YOU KNOW) and he said he handled everything, and I didn’t need to worry about a thing. A Pastor that was his friend married us. Now, 23 years later, I find that there is no marrige on file, and there never was. The wife after me, he did this to not once, but TWICE. She divorced him, and then he talked her into another marriage, which also does not exist on paper. He is now married again, (?) another rush job to a woman who sold her house, paid off his bills, and put him on her checking account. I am contacting the wife prior to me, to have her investigate her marriage record. The two before that, I do know were legitimate.
I am wondering, has anyone out there heard of someone doing this to this many women?
Thanks!
Prairiegirl:
Yep…..
I guess you just need to figure out WHY he was doing this…..
I would suspect it was what he could TAKE from the women…financially…and he had no risk because he knew the con…..
Welcome Prarie……and congratulatons on your daughters wedding.
EB