The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Libelle…thanks for the quote!! I love it! Yes, 2010 is all about being whole for me this year. Making every part of my being healthy and happy. That’s all that matters to me this year! Here’s to the metal tiger!!
And Oxy, thank you so much for your support and words of wisdsom. Being able to maintain straight A’s during the last few months has proved my strength. I haven’t been in college for 6 years and the first semester back, I had something to prove to myself! I am going to take the strength, determination and discipline that I learned and apply it to everything else in my life.
I am surprisingly not as upset as I expected to be this week. I’m lonely, but not depressed, which I am SOOO THANKFUL for. And I say the same things about all of my friends that are married. They have a 50-50 chance. I hope that they all work out, because they are wonderful people and deserve the best, BUT I am realistic!!! Odds are some of their husbands aren’t going to turn out to be so great! They are all still happy right now, but we’ll see over the next 10 years how things will pan out. I have a friend who married her high school sweetheart. In fact he had never been with anybody else, and he was her only really serious boyfriend. We went and saw Revolutionary Road, a movie about seemingly happy couples that lie and cheat and destroy their relationships. My friend was so disturbed by the movie and she asked me, “do you really think people are like this? Do these things really happen?” I had to laugh at her! YES!!! WELCOME TO REALITY!!!! Sometimes I think that I’m the only smart one of the group to not have rushed into anything so quickly. I guess I wanted to take the harder road and learn some valuable lessons about people before I decide to take the plunge!! LOL! I think when I’m ready to settle down, I’ll have a more realistic view of people and will be better equiped to make good decisions to protect myself from certain personality types. The ex was a BIG lesson learned. I guess in some ways I’m thankful for that. Thanks again for your kind words and support. Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to you too!!!
Has anyone else had an epiphany lately? I had one today when in the store. I was about to buy me a nice jacket and I thought “wow, I can buy whatever I went when I want and I can afford it.” When I was with my ex our finances were so tight even though our combined income was almost $200,000. He was bouncing checks and I was shopping at second hand stores for our baby. He was spending money on video systems and other things unrelated to our marriage. Now I get more from him through child support than what he was doing when we were married. I feel sorry for his mistress. He is working on his doctorate and is already up to $170,000 in student loans and he has over $6,000 in credit card debt. IGosh, how much would monthly payments be once he graduates. Anyway, I made sure he kept all of his debt in our divorce settlement. She is going to inherit a lot of debt if she stays with him.
But anyway, since he left I have lost weight and I keep it off by going to the gym; I dress better and I take better care of myself. I was in a horrible daze when I was with him. I was an awful person but now I feel like myself again.
I thought I was going to have another boring Christmas but I reconnected with an old friend through facebook and she invited me to her house for a Christmas party on Friday.
I don’t know about anyone else but I am so ready for 2010. I am resolving to leave the past behind so I can shine. I still don’t have plans for the new year but I don’t care. My daughter and I had fun last year together so I am looking forward to that!
Hi Nic…may I ask what city or any other clue…I know everybody feels when they read a post that it must be about the sociopath they know because they are all the same but just in case. Thx
Libelle:
Even though it’s not New Years yet, I am already raising my glass to the Metal Tiger!! Clink Clink!!!
Hello 2010!! 🙂
~I love animal prints (faux fur, of course)!!
Dear Nic,
My dear I am SOOOOOO glad you are doing well and are not financing that creep’s doctorate–which is Piled Higher and Deeper i am sure! LOL Yea, and they won’t let you bankdrupt out of student loans any more either.
TOWANDA for you! I remember back when you were worried about the divorce splilt and getting hung up with his debts, well his new victim can pay for those or he can, but the bottom line is that you don’t have to!
I’m glad in these hard economic times that you are not saddled with his debt and that you can now afford to buy what you need and want!
Happy holidays to you and your daughter, have a great time! P-FREE in 2010!!!! My prayer for us all!
Yes.. I have been having epiphanies alll day …Marriage to me has always been horrible like incarceration.. incarcerated to others’ issues.. and no happiness.. then they blame me for it all.. My first married just out of college turned out to be as he grew into life an alcoholic cheater, liar, gambler.. My second husband..whom I loved dearly an alcoholic.. I threw him out and divoreced him and he sobered up and we are still friends and he has told me that what I did help him to hit a wall.. He has never remarried.. but became very successful in his field. Third.. I thought that he was different, a family man, less attractive etc.. but her was.. boring, obsessed with his spoiled brat daughter and with a crazy ex-wife… after marriage he became controlling and hateful and I got rid of him after two years and he did things in the divorce that harmed me financially… he was an incredible JERK! Used me for a family image.. then tried to ruin me..his ex and her mother took the child away from him.. and I testified against him… I survive all this then….
Near misses…
The next,. probably the love of my life.. but did drugs behind my back.. and could get really mean..almost married him.. but moved out in five days of moving in with him when I realized what he was doing and his temperment changed into a devil..
six years later….
This last one.. came after me like there was no tomorrow.. was obsessively spiritual, tons of trauma in his past, married four times.. his last wife died and he married her two weeks after meeting her.. and then met me three months after she died and told me he loved me in the first two weeks that we knew each other.. a son that died of a brain tumor .. a son still living that had a brain tumor and will never be able to function without full care.. and a daughter that was molested by her mother then one normal son .. and an ex-stepson that he claims as his that has brain damage.. GEEZ! Where would I really fit in.. it was all trauma and his daughter is like an emotional mess..she created a scene in a restaurant when she was here and after that I knew that I could not be around her..but this man mediates all the time and reads spiritual things.. He designates himself as a guru…it was almost absurd and if anyone cusses around him .. he can’t stand it.. He got pretty much weird.. and not fun… and I made a wonderul home for him with gourment cooking and a fun life and he critized me if I didn’t say ‘you’re welcome’.
His life was a mess.. in ways, he was great, but in others a disaster..
Soooooooo….. I gotta laugh… I always thought that I would be married with a couple of kids..
And now, I am sooooooooo glad that I don’t have children with these men and that I am not married.. I am free… I bought white roses today and put them throughout my house.. and lots of chocolate and am going to a movie with a girlfriend in a bit…
I am alone.. but I am at peace.. I am blessed.. I got away from all the traps set to destroy my spirit, trap my soul and diminish my light..
and that is what I wish for all of those on here…
Of course, there were other things I went through and I left out a whole lot of sorted details…
I have had my heart broken in half and repaired many times over..I have had many dark nights of the soul…
But this Christmas I am free and I am blessed…
I wish this for you all…..
Amber,
You GO Girl! Wow good for you. I am impressed with your grades:) You sound really, really good and like you have your life back on track.
You know it is possible to feel a little lonely and yet happy at the same time.
I can tell you that when I was married to my oldest sons father when the marriage was bad I was more lonely being with someone (and alone) than I have been when I am alone.
I think somehow being with someone but not having that feeling of “connection” with them is worse than being alone and not having a man in my life.
Having good friends and family that support you and what you are doing is really what is important…..
You have a great long term plan to get your education. And you are young so you have plenty of time for settling down.
All things good are possible with a good education….You will never regret having it.
Thank you Ox. I always, always, always look forward to reading your responses. Eileen I am in Chicago. Style I am so glad you are free.
nic,
Just would like to mention that you sound like you are doing so much better than when you first came here.
I am happy for you and your daughter.
Enjoy your daughter this holiday season. Take lots and lots of pictures. They grow up so fast.
Witsend I am definitely doing much better. I was a basket case when I first came which I think was 2 years ago. Everyone has given me so much advice. I have been resistant at times but they (lovefraud) have all put up with me and helped me through it all. I have been hit with skillets (thanx Ox) and all sorts of things but it was all for the best.
I would like to apologize to anyone I may have “snapped” at or not agreed with through these past couple of years. I know you all were just trying to help me. I appreciate it all.