The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Dear Nic,
Sweetie, you are an angel and I am so glad to have seen the growth you have come through. It gives me so much hope for the newbies that come here as “basket cases’ and then after a time they come back here with SUCCESS STORIES like you have done.
I hope your head has healed a bit, you know they were LOVE TAPS, LOL and keep in mind, my head is flat from BOINKING myself more than a time or two!
There is no way i can tell you how proud of and for you I am. Bird came back to check in a day or so ago and I am so glad she and the Baby Birdie are doing well as you are! It takes time, and I am still finding new insights to help myself get another step or two closer to “Healing” and I intend to stay on that road. I know that GROWTH is not a thing that ends, we have to keep on working on it. Just like you are. Enjoying the journey as well as getting stronger, getting better, learning new ways of coping with new things that come up—it is called REAL LIFE! But it does NOT have to be a life of abuse and pain, and we have choices to make things better for ourselves and those we love.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger! I DO believe that, and I also am grateful for the support, empathy and understanding that the LF “family” has given me! I’ve come further than I ever dreamed possible given the circumstances, and I owe it to the validation, care and love I have found here. Nic, you are one of Donna’s shininig stars of recover and I am so happy for you and the others here who have gone on to peace, joy, happiness and growth! (((hugs)))
Style 1, great post!!!
I haven’t posted here in over a year but I read this website daily. My S-ex left me to die after pushing me down 13 steps. A neighbor called an ambulance and went to get him. He refused to come to me. He never asked about me, called, nothing. I went back to him even after he did this. Then in June, I found secret e-mail accounts, all types of sex phone messages, pornography, etc. I figured out his passwoed and sat there for two hours reading about more women than Tiger Woods could handle.. I attempted suicide. My former husband, a good man, not the sociopath, happened to call me when I was just about asleep and he knew something was wrong. I didn’t care, I really wanted to die. The police were called by him and they had to beat the door down and finally found me in the basement, on the cold cement floor, passed out and nearly dead. I had a loaded pistol beside me in case that didn’t work. This man took everything from me that I ever had and I let him. I hated me asd much as I hated him. To make a very long story short, I was hospitalized and when stable was admitted to a psychiatric ward where I was forced to deal with reality. My former husband and my beautiful four children were there for me and have helped me with no contact to this very day. I am stronger, back with my husband of 33 years, in my beautiful home with all four of my wonderful children and grandchild home for Christmas. All have told me that this is the absolute best Christmas we, as a family, have ever had. I got off my ass and started cooking like crazy, decorating, enjoying life again. I shop, I read, I help my boys with college papers, I have friends again and I know I will be OK. I am so lucky to get them all back after spending four worthless years with this worthless piece of shit named Doug. How he was able to destroy a highly educated teacher, former model and very respected and appreciated citizen of our city, I will never fully understand, yet he did and again, I allowed it to happen. With the holidays upon us, I too have dreaded the contact. He always finds a way to get to me no matter what I do to stop contact. Henry, I read about your situation and I know exactly the terror he must have struck within you. It freezes you, catches you off guard and you panic. I am so glad you panicked on the side of your own self worth this time. I am trying to do the same. My oldest son, a former NFL football player with the Detroit Lions, beat the living hell out of him once and everytime I want to get revenge, get even for the hurtful things he did to me, I remember how this sack of crap was beaten to a pulp and I hate to admit, I do get a good old chuckle out of it. I have been wanting to post but was afraid I would go back to this jerk. It has been six months, the longest time ever with no contact and I am so proud of myself. I realize I wanted something he was not nor could he ever be. I just wanted a freakihg human being. He wrecked havoc upon not only myself but my entire family like a level 5 hurricane, destroying everything in his path. I am posting tonight because I vow to never go back there again and I know I need support. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any words of wisdom.
Dear Slimone and Ox _ I am not a hero, but a very slow learner. I like the “our henry’ reference, it is like the british comedy ‘Keeping up Appearances’ they have an ‘our Rose” who is always lookin for a man, any man..
Came home tonite from dinner with friends and Crickit my little weiner dog was trying her best to come throught the pet door backwards? she had murdered a possum, and was trying her best to pull in in the pet door. Glad I got home before she took to my bed like she does the frogs and toads in the summer time.
Dear Henry,
IF I SAY YOU ARE A HERO, YOU ARE!!!! So don’t make me get the skillet after ya! Ha ha
Even your DOG is a HEROINE! I hate possoms, gosh the nasty things!@....... Give that doggie a bone! Possoms are the Ps of the animal world! YUK!
I’m reading a book now (slowly) about trauma survivors, and one of the things the author says is that people who have been through trauma and they get up and brush their teeth and go out to work are HEROES, maybe not ones that make the front pages, but heroes none the less, and I AGREE HENRY!
You did what you had to do. You kept that door closed. And youknow being “brave” is NOT being unafraid, being BRAVE is being SKEERED CHITLESS AND STILL DOING THE RIGHT THING! And in MY BOOK (and remember, I am ALWAYS RIGHT!) that makes YOU a HERO!!!
It’s rainin’ cats and doggies tonight, enough rain to put us over the line into the WETTEST YEAR EVER IN HISTORY here in Arkansas, flooding everywhere and some serious floodign and more rain tomorrow—my barn stinks cause I had to bring the borrowed billy goat into the barn because of the rain, couldn’t leave the nasty thing outside in this kind of weather–I’ll be glad when he does his business and I can take his stinky butt back to his owner! Speaking of P-animals, a billy goat is that, and stinks to boot, I hate to have him assocaite with my sweet little darling nanny goats but if we want milk next spring, I have to let him do his thing.
So any way, Henry, “hip-hip HOORAY for you! OUR Hero Henry!” doesnn’t that have a nice ring to it gang!?!
Thanks, henry,
I needed the boink on the head, and I’m glad this latest episode with your ex has shown you you are in a better place because you most certainly are.
I decided I needed to have some closure with this guy so I put in a call to him. We never spoke by phone while all the drama was going down. If he doesn’t call me back, that’s my closure. Anyway, I’m already starting to let go; it’s only been a few days since the whole debacle, so I think I just needed a little time. You think that a month of goofing around on the site together and casual emailing, and 2 phone calls isn’t enough for someone to get under your skin….I wouldn’t have believed it if it hadn’t happened to me! This guy is pretty smooth. I don’t know if he’s a sociopath or just a really immature jerk. I’m not even mad at him. I just really feel I should have closure on this one.
Star Lean forward- a little closer to your computer screen – now BOINK~! is that closure enuff? sorry couldnt resist I love ‘our’ Stargazer
Dear Victim X,
I am SO GLAD that you felt strong enough to post here and so glad that your life is getting back on track! I remember from when you posted a while back, not the details, just your name, but I am glad you got help when you did. I am glad that your family is back together.
Yes, they DO act like a level 5 hurricane or tornado, sweeping everything in front of them, destroying, destroying. But there is strength within you, and you have come back from the abyss.
Enjoy your holidays with your family, the people who really love you and care about you.
BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND, and take care of you. It has been difficult for me to do that, and though I never got suicidal as such, there wasn’t I felt much to live for. I’m glad you were rescued. Sometimes I think a suicide attempt though real is also a cry for help! I’m so glad you got it and I am sure your children and husband are too.
I’m also glad that you are here on LF reading regularly, I’ve been here over 2 years and I can’t even think about leaving. I learn more every day I am here. I see new people come here adn start to heal, to develop boundaries and self esteem, and there are always new insights to grasp and to ruminate over and to add to my tool belt of things to help myself.
Have the BEST HOLIDAYS EVER and enjoy your family and their love. You are very blessed. I realize really ALL of us here at LF are blessed by Donna’s work at setting up this site and all lthe people who come here to lend support and empathy to us as we heal. All the people who work and research and write books and recognise that this isn’t just some “minor thing” we need to “get over”—but to really HEAL FROM.
I think everyone here who has gone another day of NC deserves a bit TOWANDA!!!! (((hugs))) and My prayers for you and your family, that you may all heal.
Thank you Oxy. This website has been my only tool for getting others to understand what happened to me, how he destroyed me and then proceeded to use, manipulate, hurt and inflict pain on me. Most people don’t understand why I didn’t just walk away after the craziness started. Now I can point them to this and they are beginning to understand. My husband is a counselor and saw the signs of a sociopath early and warned me but I didn’t listen. This website helps my friends and my children understand the total control he had over me. You know, maintaining a relationship with a sociopath is like a disease, like a cancer. It keeps growing and growing until it kills you unless you take the medication called “no contact ever”. To me, it has been worse than anything else in my life I have ever had to endure and for the longest time, I did not believe I could be strong enough to leave him for good. Yet, I did and I have and I will never, by the grace of God and the goodness of friends and family, go back to that hell on earth. Thank you so much Oxy. I read your posts daily and you are a very wise woman. I was hoping to hear from you especially.
HENRY!
after a long and serious day you gave me a good laugh – my folks have doxie bothers and i can see the smart one actually catching the possum and the stupid one trying to come in the door backwards!
i have a lovely siamese when i was a kid – and one morning i woke up to find my bed, my little rug beside my bed and the kitchen sink rug all scattered with tiny little mouse heads. Man he must have par-tayed all night long!