The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Slimone – this line from you post resonates for me – ‘when we enter into a relationship with someone, we enter into it forever. ‘
man, i wish i would get that and develop the appropriate boundaries. i am working on it.
think we could pair that line with, ‘this isn’t a dress rehearsal’.
best,
one step
EILEEN – would yo please come over to my place and make me feel guilty by cleaning. PLEEEEEASE!
LIBELLE – Read some conflicting info re metal tigers. One word that came up regardless of whether metal tigers were written of as ‘sensitive’ or ‘rash’, etc. is that they are PROTECTIVE.
May we all be blessed with a greater sense of protection for ourselves and for others in need of our love and defense.
best,
one step
Thanks, one step. I thought they are all the same! I found this on Google:
“The Tiger is said to be lucky vivid, lively and engaging. Another attribute of the Tiger is his incredible bravery, evidenced in his willingness to engage in battle or his undying courage. Maybe he’s so brave because he is so lucky. But the Chinese say a Tiger having a Tiger in the house is the very best protection against the evils of fire, burglary.
Years of the Tiger
Tiger Years are third in the cycle and recur every twelfth year. The Chinese New Year does not fall on a specific date, so it is essential to check the calendar to find the exact date on which each Tiger year actually begins.
THE SIGN OF THE TIGER
Tigers do not find worth in power or money. They will be completely honest about how they feel and expect the same of you. On the other hand, they seek approval from peers and family. Generally, because of their charming personalities Tigers are well liked. Often, failing at a given task or being unproductive in his personal or professional life can cause a Tiger to experience a depression. Criticism from loved ones can also generate this type of Tiger reaction. Still, like all felines, Tigers always land on their feet, ready for their next act in life, pursuing it with unyielding energy and hunting it infallibly.
Tigers are also incorrigibly competitive – they simply cannot pass up a challenge, especially when honor is at stake, or they are protecting those they love. Tigers are unpredictable and it would be unwise to underestimate their reactions. They may appear cool, but they have the Big Cat’s instincts to pounce at a moment’s warning. Natural leaders, they have a strong sense of their own dignity, and if they find
themselves in the ranks, they can be stubborn and obstinate. In positions of power they can be difficult though stimulating bosses. Tigers are intelligent, alert, and farsighted. They have their fingers on the pulse. Good strategists and tacticians, they often have a hidden agenda. As long as they do not risk their luck too often, and keep their restless nature under control, their tactics usually pay off in life.
TIGER FACTS:
People born in the year of the Tiger share certain characteristics. The Tiger sign is an abbreviated way of characterizing that individual’s personality. Following are features associated with the sign of the Tiger.
Third in order, Chinese name – HU, sign of courage
Hour–am-4:59am Month–February
Western counterpart—Aquarius
CHARACTERISTICS
Courage, Vehemence, Self-Reliance, Friendliness, Hopefulness, Resilience, Vanity, Disregard
IN YOUR ELEMENT
The characteristics of the Tiger are tempered by one of the five Chinese elements of Metal, Water, Wood, Fire and Earth overlaying a 5-year cycle of characteristics on the original 12-year cycle.
THE METAL TIGER 195O AND 2010
The Metal element gives the Tiger its sharpness in action and speed of thought. Tigers born in the Metal year like to stand out in a crowd. With an inspiring assertiveness and competitive demeanor, they determine their goals and then do anything necessary to achieve them. This good-looking character sometimes suffers from mood swings and temper tantrums. The Tiger can be known to jump to conclusions or to act too quickly without weighing the options or understanding the consequences. This is a flaw Tigers must learn to curb.
THE WATER TIGER 1902 AND 1962
The Water element gives the Tiger a soothing characteristic making this breed a bit more tranquil. Their ability to consider feelings and ideas from other people makes them quite sensible and understanding. They are also born with a great intuitive power, which gives them accurate and excellent judgement. The Tiger is a bit indecisive, a habit of nature born of his routine of watching and waiting before leaping. Sometimes too, Tigers get caught sleeping or daydreaming, prohibiting them from going for the goals they initially set out to accomplish.
THE WOOD TIGER 1914 AND 1974
The Wood Tiger is more adaptable to working with others and therefore does not demonstrate the typical “take charge” attitude of other Tigers. The Wood element adds stability, giving him warmth of character that draws people in and makes the Tiger a popular person. They are not selfish creatures and will give their time, attention or possessions to anyone in need. These Tigers bring a solid practicality to any problem. They can control their urges to completely take over, letting others do the work. They must be aware of their slightly volatile tempers and short attention spans, and not let those characteristics get the best of them or cause them or their loved ones undue pain.
THE FIRE TIGER 1926 AND 1986
Eccentric and dramatic, Fire Tigers are aglow with passion and verve. They are outgoing, expressive and look on the bright side of things. They have the Tiger’s natural ability to lead others and are able to excite others simply with their own gift of enthusiasm. They can be funny and have great senses of humor. Tigers are powerful speakers and have the ability to command and persuade crowds through speech. Their own seemingly endless supply of energy can make them appear a bit dramatic, and it may make them more sensitive to cautious or down-to-earth approaches in others.
THE EARTH TIGER 1938 AND 1998
Earth Tigers are realists and tend not to get caught up by their own enthusiasm and excitement. They have a stout and sincere sense of responsibility that other Tigers haven’t quite cultivated and are not so easily distracted. These Tigers take life a little easier and have the ability to focus for longer periods of time, which in turn brings them success through continued effort. Earth Tigers must be careful not to take life too seriously and must remember not to lose their senses of humor or to ignore the needs and feelings of others.
I specially like ” Like all felines Tigers always land on their feet”!
I sense a great air of humor (thanks Henry for the image of the BOINK!), and it is so invigorating reading all your precious comments! A wonderful Chrismas indeed!
Bless you all and (((((((HHHHUUUUUGGGGGSSSSSS))))))!
LIBELLE: “This good-looking character sometimes suffers from mood swings and temper tantrums. The Tiger can be known to jump to conclusions or to act too quickly without weighing the options or understanding the consequences.”
hmmm, N/S/P characteristics tooooo! on noooo 😉
one of the descriptions i read said: Tiger people are sympathetic, kind, emotional, and sensitive. At movies, they can cry their eyes out! Despite their kindness, they can be extremely short-tempered. The rage of Tigers is terrible to behold but it also gives them the adrenaline needed for the sublimest of bravery. The Tiger is also a deep thinker and can make the most astonishing intellectual connections, with great mental agility. On the negative side, they tend to be suspicious and a bit self-centered, OK selfish, and indecisive. Above everything, however, the Tiger stands as a supreme emblem of protection over human life, admirable always.
”sublimest of bravery” – cool concept: sublme bravery.
okay, up past my bedtime.
night night
The Wood Tiger 1914 & 1974, NOT to be confused with Tiger Woods.
Tiger Woods turned out to be a WHOLE other kind of “tiger”.
wood tiger, not to be confused with tiger’s wood……
Dear One-step. Really, this year I discovered that I can develop my “Inner sociopath” a little bit more, become more focussed on business and leave out feelings. There is a good article by Kathleen Hawk that taught me a lot about all these things
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/10/04/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-14-discovering-what-we-are-capable-of/
By the way I am a water tiger (and thankfully to you I discovered that they are just nice ones 😉 ). But I do NOT believe in these things, far too esoteric (also the Zodiac!) It hinders the thinking for myself and blurs the judgement.
I wish you all a very nice holiday season!
Hi VictimX – first you should change that log-in name, it’s not appropriate anymore! You’re not a victim: 1) you found him out (he spends 100% of his time lying, it’s his only skill, and still he gets found out! Loser!) 2) you exposed him 3) you escaped his control (that’s the worst punishment for a sociopath!) 4) you survived and got your life back, while I presume his own life is going nowhere fast 5) he got beaten up!!! HA HA HA!! “Winner” should be your new log in name.
About you being everything but a likely victim I posted something somewhere else about a sociopath’s life being nothing more than a stupid video game, once they’ve won one level of deceit and manipulation they just go to the next level and look for a more challenging target. But he wasn’t good enough to win at your level! “Bleep! Game Over!”
One Time: if I wasn’t on the wrong side of the atlantic I would, and I might even bring champagne and drink it with you (just to state my ownership of it and make you feel even guiltier of course :-P)