The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
eileen – well, if you are on ‘the other side of the atlantic’, then I want to come visit you, and the housework be damned. I’ll bring the truffles. We can get you a crystal champagne glass with your NAMED ETCHED iN IT, so that you KNOW FOREVER how VERY VERY SPECIAL you are . 😉
Eileen,
You said:
I posted something somewhere else about a sociopath’s life being nothing more than a stupid video game, once they’ve won one level of deceit and manipulation they just go to the next level and look for a more challenging target.
I like that comparison, to a video game. It really makes sense to me. Also generally speaking once a game is won at all the levels the player becomes bored with the game and moves on to another. This relates to another aspect of their behavior as well. Boredom.
SupersociopathII by nintendo, a perfect Xmas gift
Level 1: get money from parents + have 2 girlfriends
Level 2: get your parents to pay your rent + have 3 girlfriends + get girlfriend 1 to pay for your trip to see girlfriend 2 + work out a successful scam
-bleep-one of your girlfriends finds you out – try again
Replay level 2: convince everyone that the girfriend is crazy (100 extra points if you manage to get her back after that)
Level 3: get your girlfriend to pay your rent + get 4th girlfriend + start beating up girfriends 1 and 2 + do the same scam again
-bleep-you got caught for fraud, try again
Replay level 3: convince the police/judge you didn’t do it
Level 4: make all 4 girlfriends believe you want to marry them + get 5th girlfriend + make at least 2 of your girlfriends believe they’re crazy (100 extra points if one ends up with depression)
Etc!!
eileen: with bonus, ‘go to hell’ cards for all players to use against you when two or more ex’s unite against you….
Yeah!! Or maybe the game could come with a device that triggers a massive explosion when the sociopath reaches level 12…”congratulations, you’ve won, LOSER…BANG!”
LOL!
the game could come out with TWO VERSIONS, one for the P/S/N, and one for the dupes. Ours would be called, THE BIGGEST LOSER, NO REALLY.
And ours would come with a dictionary of spath speak, and a game book of moves, so THAT WE WOULD HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE.
….And we would have special, ‘get of hell free cards’, that when placed on the board, would cause the whole GAME TO DISSOLVE.
🙂 🙂
Henry….OUCH! ha ha ha ha
You guys are having wayyyyyy tooo much fun! LOL But what is Christmas eve for except for FUN, laughs and good friends and what have got here—fun, laughs and good friends! Couldn’t be better really, considering that here the “weather outside is frightful” (rain here and Ice at Henry’s, and snow at others places) Anyone in warmth? where are you Gem, bet it is nice and hot down there in Oz, wish we could all come stay with you for the winter and put some prawns on the barbie.
I remember in 1965 at Christmas I spent it at the beach at Durban, South Africa, baking to a nice tomato red, but recovered enough to go out for New Year’s there which is a big deal of party hardy and great food, dancing and the lot! Oh, what wonderful memories of Christmas past!
And other wonderful Christmas times when the kids were little and still believed in Santa Claus!
You know, even if we aren’t celebrating “big time this year” (just a quiet day with son C and I here, D is out of town) it is still a cozy day to just stay in and enjoy each other and being P-FREE, to spend a calm and peaceful day in quiet joy and celebration of our lives together.
If your Christmas this year isn’t all that “jolly” then tink of past years when there was “jolly holly” and relieve those wonderful memories (but not of the P!) and times that you were peaceful, jolly, happy and felt wonderful. If we can’t find all that much joy in today, there are always good memories from the past we can dredge up to relive and enjoy!
So I went back and re-read this latest guy’s private emails to me and now I can see the gaslighting. For instance, he would flirt with me, and I’d say, “You’re flirting with me”. And he’d say, “I’m not flirting.” I can’t believe how naive I am that I didn’t pick up on that right from the start. This one was extremely charming. I find it sad that the stable, safe men all seem so boring to me. And the charming, exciting, funny ones all seem to be players. There must be a happy medium.
I don’t think the problem is the internet, it’s with the type of men I’m attracted to–the charming, magnetic, flirtatious types. I was also attracted to someone like that in my college dorm and he ripped my heart out for several years. There are several married couples who met on my reptile site. In most cases, one moved across the country for the other, and they are very happily married. I happen to find those particular men boring–big surprise. So it IS possible to meet someone on an internet forum. I also know other people who met the loves of their lives on internet forums. In fact, I hear that 1 out of 8 couples meet on the internet. HOWEVER, for ME, I just seem to be attracted to players, no matter where I meet them. The signs were all there–I just missed them or ignored them.
I do not feel bad for exercising my choice to have physical closure with this particular guy. I was feeling stuck for a few days thinking about him because I felt that I “wasn’t supposed” to call him. I needed to know that option was available to me, and as soon as I exercised it, the need to talk to him diminished. Hearing his voice on the answering machine was a reality check that I would probably never get the truth out of him. NO CONTACT is the best option for dealing with sociopaths, but it’s important that we recognize it as a choice and not a mandate. For me, it is making choices and taking action that gets me unstuck. Sometimes that means NO CONTACT. Sometimes that means a phone call.
Central oklahoma is shut down – blizzard conditions – interstates r closed – airports closed – wrecks everywhere – power out for thousands, mine is still on – i am feeding the birds – first white xmas since 1914 I remember that xmas…ho ho ho