The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
SOTIRED:
GOOD GOING!!!! Tuck yourself up and I’m proud that you had the respect for yourself to honor your original decision of NO CONTACT!!!!!
CONGRATULATIONS !!!!!! Stick with it…..you know you can get past that ‘moment’ of weakness!
YIPPEEEEAAAAIIIIIIAAAAYYYYY!!!!
Gem:
I just saw your joke……but it really isn’t a joke…….
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, i’d have farted myself!!!!
ROTFLMAO…hahahhahahahahahahha
I LOVE that!!! I’m gonna use that one!
Thanks for the stocking stuffer!
Thanks Erin for pointing that one out, I missed that one!!! LOL ROTFLMAO or as TB says “ahhaahahahahahaha” LOL I’ll give that one to the boys, they will appreciate it for just the “right moment” to use.
JAH,
You’re saying that I should choose men I’m not attracted to? It doesn’t make sense to me. So many people meet the loves of their lives, and the attraction was there instantly. Am I so flawed that I have to forego attraction and date a boring guy that there is no chemistry with? I feel like because of my background, I’m banished to the world of dating unexciting, boring men. I just can’t do it. I love to laugh. If the other person cannot make me laugh and hold my interest, I will lose attraction. This last guy was nothing to look at, but I loved his personality. When I was at my most guarded, I was not susceptible to his flattery. But how can you close yourself down completely to a man’s compliments? It feels good to be complimented by a man, especially if it is not necessarily about my looks but about my personality. Men need to have SOME way to let you know they’re interested in you. This is very confusing for me. I don’t want to just give up. I just want to be able to trust again. They can’t ALL be sociopaths.
Stargazer,
I don’t think that JAH was saying that exactly. I think there is a big difference between INSTANT chemistry and a chemistry that can develop as you get to know someone.
Feeling anything “instantly” before you even know a person is usually a red flag. If you feel something instant, it is usually about the guys looks or about the flattery they are giving you. And it could also mean they are saying essentually “what it is that you want to hear”.
If they are saying what you want to hear before they even know you, chances are they have said this to others before you…..Maybe NOT a sociopath for sure, but a smooth operator.
So instant chemistry to me, can be likened to instant gratification. Its there for awile but as you do get to know the inner person, the realtionship doesn’t have room to grow, it was really just about that instant attraction. Or sexual chemistry. Sexual Chemistry is a GREAT thing but it has nothing to do with a long term relationship necessarily.
I agree with you that there are certain things that would be a deal breaker in a guy that you would want to spend time with. A great sense of humor is a must.
But sometimes even when I first meet a co worker lets say, I might not really “get” their sense of humor until I get to know them a little better. And then I might think they are a real hoot.
So the difference is that when we meet people in our lives (not love life) many times we get to know them slowly and as we get to know them better sometimes they might end up being lifelong friends. And yet when we first met them we might not have ever dreamed how compatable of a friend they would be.
However when we date, we expect this “thing” to happen almost immediately and if we don’t feel an instant connection we write the person off.
I know at this point in my life I am not always attracted to the men that make good long term partners. That doesn’t mean that they are sociopaths. It just means they are not good for me because we don’t want the same things. The attraction might be there but the compatability is not.
I have learned that if I keep doing the same things (keep being attracted to the same type of man) I will get the same END result.
There is alot to be said about the right timing in realtionships.
As they say: “when the student is ready the teacher will appear”. Maybe dating is alot like that to.
As we climb further on, in our healing journey and really understand that if we are looking for instant chemistry that what we will attract. But we can’t EXPECT a deep maningful relationship to come from that. It IS what it is.
And when we put different vibes out there that we are looking for something deeper, and are WILLING to be attracted to something that isn’t the “norm” for us….Then that is what we might find.
I think we have to change our expectations and what we have always believed to be the “perfect guy for us”. I don’t mean LOWER our expectations….If anything just the opposite.
But if we always were attracted to the charismatic, charming,
(fill in the blanks yourself) kind of guy…..Then maybe our past history with these kind of guys has to speak for itself. They don’t work.
I still don’t trust my instincts when it comes to men. However I DO SEE I have always been attracted to the wrong kind of man for me. And I have arrived at the place that I would rather be in no relationship at all than a bad one. And continue working on myself.
Intellectually I get it, my part in being attracted to the wrong types…I just don’t know if I can trust that emotional side to “get it” just yet.
Does any of this make sense to you?
Why ? why did I answer the phone because it was a texas number? calling card ? why did I not hang up?????? son of a b–ch…… that is it I am filling a permanent injunction … if he continues to manipulate me or my child…..
Spirit:
Hang in there…….curiosity killed your cat!
You won’t answer any call the next time!
Think of it as growth…..the lesson you understand! It’ll stick……you’ll get to the point where you won’t answer any texas numbers or ANY unknown/private numbers…..
If someone wants to get ahold of me…..they’ll leave a message. Simple!
Don’t be to hard on yourself…..it’s all the process darling!
Now go……have a great day!
Spirt –
ahh, girl put down the stick and just grab the value of it. K?
you’re gonna be okay – you already wiser than you were 24 hours ago.
Stargazer,
This is one of the toughest issues in getting better. Witsend and justabouthealed are telling you the right thing. Maybe I can help make sense of it for you.
Getting healed is getting whole in yourself. A psychologically healthy person is her own judge. You don’t need compliments to feel good about yourself. Anyone enjoys a compliment, but a healthy person considers the source. A compliment, especially from a virtual stranger, isn’t a reason to like someone or enjoy their company. On the contrary, it’s a reason to wonder what’s going on with them that they’re judging you, or possibly trying to manipulate you.
Likewise, there’s a red flag that should go up about someone who starts telling you how important or special you are too early in the relationship. Or who seems to be hungry for your attention, validation or compliments right off the bat. Or who seems prepared to give away too much commitment too soon. What’s wrong with this person that he doesn’t have any other resources or nothing to lose?
There can be a lot of reasons for instant attraction. Someone may exactly fit our idea of what we’ve decided we’re looking for. Or we may have a big sexual response to them that has more to do with our genetic programming than anything else, or may be triggered by some unresolved history of sexual trauma. Or we may be in trouble, and he comes on like a white knight, and we trauma-bond. Or we may be on vacation or on a cruise or a little tipsy, and our inhibitions are down and we’re hungry for fun.
The thing about instant attraction is that it’s a factor that doesn’t change the rules of letting someone close to us. We still need to develop at least some sense of whether they’re trustworthy people, not just in this conversation, but in their whole life. We need to let down our boundaries gradually, as we develop more trust, because we value ourselves and know we have something to lose. We need to get a real sense that this person is stable and complete in his own right, and doesn’t need us, but chooses us as a companion (not a queen or a slave). And that we are capable, with him, of feeling the same way. Not subjugated. Not dominating. Not out of control. But like this is a choice, that feels good right now, but we reserve the right to keep choosing what is right and good for us.
That doesn’t mean that some people aren’t tremendously attractive. Lots of people are. It does mean that we pay very close attention to what we get back from them, and how we feel about it, because we’re smart enough not to drop boundaries in a way that will make us feel sick about ourselves, if this person turns out to be a jerk or a player. Or make commitments we can’t easily walk away from, before we really know enough about this person. And frankly, if we’ve got a big initial attraction it just makes that harder. So it’s something to watch more carefully.
Finally, if someone seems to be trying to impress us, or if we’re really over the moon about how we’ve impressed someone else, this is dangerous territory. We’re reacting to wrong things. A great relationship isn’t built on deals to massage each other’s ego. In fact, one of the toughest parts of any close relationship is dealing with each other’s vulnerabilities. And vulnerabilities is exactly what these reactions to compliments and needs to impress are all about.
So no, there’s no rule that you have to avoid people you find attractive. But if you want to stop getting involved with users, you might reconsider how much you value that kind of attraction, and start thinking about arranging your dating patterns (where you look, how you behave, what you value in another person) to locate and identify potential partners who are trustworthy, compassionate, and self-sustaining. (That is, they they don’t live on other people’s juice.)
Getting sober after being addicted to a sociopath isn’t just about getting healed from that relationship, it’s about getting sober from a tendency to get involved with addictive relationships. And whether we do the work comes down to how much we want to be a healthy person involved with another healthy person in a sustainable relationship based on respect, appreciation, kindness, support, understanding and the absolute ability to walk away, if it turns out that this person is a dangerous phony.
It’s a rule of the universe that people respect us as much as we respect ourselves. Giving ourselves some trust for Christmas is a great idea. Deciding that 2010 is the year we’re going to stop giving ourselves away cheap is another one. We’re worth it.
Kathy
Thanks EB.. thanks one step….. I should have just hung up …. they are such liars and manipulators….. just checking to see what we are up too and to see if he can get back in… I had nothing to say cept he is a liar and my son see’s through his crap as well….