The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Spirit40, it sounds like he sent you a curve ball, and you batted it out of the park. Told your truth, didn’t get compromised, and then slammed the door on him.
This is the kind of encounter we fantasize about (or I do). But in the fantasies we forget that we feel slimed by having to communicate with them at all, even by that tiny bit of long-distance contact.
You didn’t invite it, but handled it. I think you should be proud of yourself.
Trigger, trigger, trigger: I was looking for something and found my ex-h’s photo album. A pic of his then 2 yr.old daughter fell out with her standing in front of a Christmas tree. This made me upset and I cried a little and then tore up every picture in the book and then threw it away. What made me so mad is that he only spent one Christmas with our daughter. I know that I should be happy and I am but it still makes me somewhat upset that he hasn’t attempted to call her today.
But I feel better after ripping up all of the pictures. That was the last thing in the house of his. He obviously forgot about it because it has been in the basement for 2 years! I will be heading to my friend’s house in about an hour. I don’t want to talk to her about it on Christmas so I wanted to let it out in this forum.
I hope everyone is having a Merry Christmas!
Nic:
Sometimes we just gotta ‘let it out’…..glad you felt better taking ‘some’ action.
These are triggers for us…..and the timing and irony of how we find these items I AM SURE…..means something……
Keep cleansing and allow yourself some tears….even though we are ‘veteran’ Sociopath survivors…..tears still come…..few and far between…..but they come…..allow it….and cry it out.
We greive for ‘what could have been’…..but it wasn’t.
That’s alwyas the hard pill.
BUT…..you have your friends and your daughter and a good head on your shoulders……so go enjoy the rest of your day and throw those picture scraps in the fireplace when you get home and enjoy a nice fire!!!
Merry Christmas!
Hi Nic,
I don’t know your situation – but your daughter may be better off without his contact.
Keep healing.
I hope you have a very nice night tonight. Merry Christmas!
I don’t think a few compliments on their own make a person a sociopath. After all, I’m a big flirt, and I compliment people very sincerely all the time. And I don’t think I’m a sociopath. I think there is a whole pattern of behaviors that includes gaslighting and the words not matching up with the actions. With this last guy, it took a month for the entire pattern to show itself. I only really liked him for the last week of it before he showed himself for what he was. Still a hard lesson to learn.
Star:
No, a few compliments do not make a sociopath…..
It’s the ‘whole package’ of sociopathic traits and early on they are kept well wrapped up…..
They only show themselves after the schmooze is complete and we are generally hooked by what they have conned us on prior…..the compliments, the niceties, the ‘warmth’….the chemistry…..If we jump in too soon with the chemistry bit….we put on our own blinders and try to make the person into our ‘fantasy’ of the perfect guy for us. We need to be cautios and keep our eyes wide open and allow someone to earn our trust over a period of time…..
This is the danger.
We all look for a nice person…..but a toxic personality is generally ‘nice’ appearing (game) until they can let down the veil and are confident the asshole in them will be tolerated.
Keep your eyes open girl……you’ll do fine.
Love yourself!
XXOO
EB
Hi Stargazer, I agree there’s nothing wrong with compliments. Things get a bit strange, however, when the person you meet agrees with everything you say, claim they’ve read the same books, enjoyed the same movies, etc – the “too good to be true” thing. Again that’s not enough of a red flag on its own. Thinking about my own story now, my sociopath did show some of the red flags in the early stages of our courtship. But I also think he had learnt from previous mistakes, like the one you met probably, and he knew he had to work hard to get my trust at first. Even if you know about sociopaths, a month is a very short time to realise you’re dealing with one if he’s well-practised and has learnt to be cautious. It sounds like he realised you liked him and thought he had won the game… I hate to think that by finding him out and partially outing him, I have helped my sociopath to become better at his game, to be more cautious, perhaps less ambitious, and to go for more vulnerable victims.
No I did invite it broke my NC due to anger….shame on me….
Hi Spirit,
I dont know your situation well, but am compelled to say something, because I know that i would be struggling if I answered the spath’s call.
I can see being compelled by anger and especially frustration (i don’t handle unrelenting frustration well) – that he is getting away with this crap, that it is hard to protect your child’s heart, that it goes on and on. And i would feel like I’d been launched right back into the twilight zone if i spoke to the spath. And would feel mad with myself for being so frustrated (oy, the circle of life!) and I think I would also suffer a sense of having been ‘slimed.’
I hope you DON’T feel all of the above Spirit. R u okay?
and tomorrow when you wake up – it will be NC day 1, and that is a good thing!