The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Please. I need help today. It took everything I had just to get to the computer to type this. I’ve been curled in a fetal position for 4 days and I can’t get out of it. I don’t know if anyone remembers me but I wrote a few “go girl!”, motivational, I-did-it-you-can-do-it, NC-all-the-way posts just a month or so ago – which is all very embarressing now because I’m completely crippled again as if all those feelings and my epithany never happened.
I booted my N of ten years out almost three months ago and I was doing great – better than I ever thought I would. He was so evil and so N casebook and I was so great with NC no matter what – nothing he did phased me and I never repsonded. Hoped he’d disappear. Days would go by that I would hardly think of him – I mean, I felt GOOD! Then I went on a couple of dates (there is no lack of guys for that) because I thought I was ready. And even tho they were great guys (kinda sorta), I went away feeling really empty and I just blew them off. Started to miss the N but not enough to break NC at all. This was about two weeks ago. Of course, in my N’s psychic evilness, he must have sensed this because a note appeared on my car while it was parked “for sale” at a girlfriend’s house in town. The day I found the note, my girlfriend said it had already been there about a week but she hadn’t seen me to tell me. I just stuck it in my pocket with really no desire to read it. In fact, it gave me that familiar yucky jolt when I saw it and I felt reaffirmed. At the same moment I was putting the note in my pocket, he pulls up. For the first time in almost three months. I was still strong and I was walking around the car fixing things and he was just bouncing around behind me telling me how he missed me and my kid and he “didn’t know what had happened” but we had been “his world”, blah blah. He didn’t stay long and I didn’t say much but he said “call me, please” when he left and I got that really sick feeling. Of course, I read the note and it said all kinds of nice things which I didn’t believe at all. I even showed it to a group of people that night that know the N and we ripped it apart.
Well, what happened next has led me to writing this post. I fucked up. Three days later, suddenly I tried to call him – and his cell phone was disconnected (of course – he’s the Master of The Cell Phone Game). I became instantly pissed because he said to call him KNOWING the cell was off. I then proceeded to instigate my own demise. To shorten this, here’s the chain of events in the last two weeks after I found his phone disconnected:
– (Wed) I obsess about getting in touch and end up texting his friend about what a creep he was for doing that & messing with my head when I was doing good. I did it because I KNEW it would piss him off and smoke him out. It did.
– (Fri) Two days later, his number pops up on caller ID and I don’t answer (Playing the game and sick about it but doing it anyway). He calls 10 times in a row ringing my cell then my home phone. When I finally call him back, he doesn’t pick up. I call 5 times – he never picks up. I’m losing it.
– (Sat) I text his friend again about what he did the night before, what a game-player he is, blah blah. His friend is not texting back but I know he’s relaying the messages.
– (Sun) Nothing. I’m freaking out as if I’d never gone NC. I am starting to get depressed.
(Mon) He calls. I agree to see meet him in a parking lot. We drive around a bit on errands and then I sit and listen to him tell me how wrong he’s been and how he – get this – knows he’s a narcissist. He has a new little diamond in one ear that I KNOW he didn’t buy himself. He wants to try again. He’s FORCING tears and I know this but I’m crying to. However, when he wants to come over that night I say no. He’s still living at his mom’s with no job – bullshit. I want him to come up but I do say no. He cries some more, asks if he can call me later, I say yes – he leaves. And never calls.
(Tue, Wed) Nothing. I’m trying to call – phone just rings and rings – just like it would when he would leave it in the car while at my house so I wouldn’t know who was calling. I’m sure he’s at this girl’s house or SOMETHING doing the same.
(Thur) He starts power-calling and I don’t pick up. He panics and tries to suck up to my son in a phone call and my son is very, very indifferent which freaks him out. When I finally pick up, he acts like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, he loves me, and he’s at his mom’s and can’t talk much – blah blah. I’m not very nice. We hang up. Suddenly he calls – CRYING – that his mom had a stroke and he and his step-father are on the way to hospital & he’ll call me back. he dosen’t.
(Fri) I call hospitals all over town and his mother was never anywhere. I power call his phone. He doesn’t pick up all weekend. I drive by his mom’s house at 4:00am which is far away. I’m think I see his car – not sure – and I’m sick to death (mostly at how I am back to square one!)
(Sun) I obssess over this girl he cheated on me with over a year ago. I drive by where I THINK her house is. I’m throwing up. I finally send her a letter on Facebook under an anonymous name telling her EVERYTHING, what’s he’s been up to the past couple of weeks, and MORE. Stuff I knew would be the end to all if and when it did get back to him. If it DID get to him, then I knew he was lying about not seeing her.
(Mon – the 22nd ) He calls, tells more lies about his mother. I realised later I never wants to come see me that night. I say no. But I say maybe after I get out of work Tue and I’d call him.
(Tue) I’m feeling wierd at work about the Facebook letter because my cell started ringing early – much earlier than he knew I was getting out of work. I ignore it and I hope he’s not waiting outside when I get home. The rollar coaster of emotions is destroying me by at this point. When I get home, my son informs me that my mother (in Colorado – I’m in Tucson) called and the N has been harrassing her all day. That freaks me out because I KNOW it was the letter and what it said. Then I realise that the girl got it and was pissed and he was confronted and he called my mother knowing how much that would embarress and humiliate me. He powers calls one more time, I pick up and hang up. Nothing after that. I still haven’t spoken to him (or my mother – because I really don’t want to know!) so I’m surmising everything and now I’m leaving awful messages on his cell about his calling my mom, not saying anything about the letter.
(Wed) I power call him. Nothing. Silence.
(Thur – Xmas Eve!) I call – nothing. I see a wierd number on caller ID, listen to message, and its a Sheriff informing me that he has court papers to serve me and if he doesn’t hear back from me today he’ll be at my house at 8:00am Monday. I call the number late at night and the answering service IS for the sheriffs. He went and got an Order of Protection to serve ME on Xmas Eve!!!! I called all night freaking out. He had shut his phone off.
He initiated all this!!!!!!!! I was doing good!!!!! I am so sick I could die. Its just me and my son here and Xmas Eve and this morning, I have been so depressed and so sick. curled up in bed. I’m forced now to get an Order of Protection back on him before I am served Mon morning. He had done this once before but called it off (and that was because I left a NOTE on his car at work begging him to call) when he needed a place to stay that week.
I am sick about the girl, I am sick about him, I am sick I fell for it, I am sick that he is back in control. Help me!!!! I feel like I will NEVER get past this. This is worse than any other time. I just want to call and call and call and call – even though I know this can never be. I still don’t want him here at my house (he lived here on and off for ten years) and I know that that had a lot to do with his pull-back. He was looking for a way out of his mom’s, probably fighting with her, wanting to have sex with me and using that as a pull (it was always great but God! so what!), lies, lies, lies, lies. then – I exposed him and BANG – he goes to court to serve me on Xmas EVE!!!!!!!! for nothing………..what the hell am I supposed to do now?????? he won!!!! I broke NC and ruined my life!!!!! OMG – I know this is a boring story but I am literally crippled, crying for the past two weeks since he showed up at my car and sucked me back in to his warped, twisted reality. I hadn’t cried in MONTHS during NC!!!! Now I have to go to the courthouse. God KNOWS what he put on the Order!!! I will get one back on him just so he can’t show up here in two weeks or somewhere where I’m at and then call the cops for me breaking it. I KNOW he doesn’t think I will do that. he truly doesn’t. I truly believe he won’t stop until I’m dead. And now I’m torn about this girl and how that letter obviously got through somewhere and I hate all of them! Oh enough….I am just ready to lose it. God help me. I’ve ruined my son’s Xmas (even though he has been sooooo good) and my N has won.
luckyzb,
First of all you need to forgive yourself for what happened. Stop beating yourself up about it.
Sometimes just like an alcoholic or addict we have to hit bottom before we can really pick ourselves up off the floor and move forward with our lives.
You mentioned several times that you were “sick” about the situation. Sick about the girl, him, that you fell for it and that he is back in control.
Feeling “sick and tired” sometimes can be just where you need to be to take back your control. The only control you have here is over yourself. N/C as you know is what you need to do again.
You slipped and took some steps back but you can do this. You know that you got sucked into his distorted reality. You know “he” isn’t real.
It is an addiction and you have to treat it like one.
Maybe pick a day this week and celebrate Christmas with your son. Pick your own holiday date….Maybe celebrate Christmas on New Years.
luckyzb –
breath girl.
I think you will get out of this. breath.
you need to protect yourself and your son.
okay you outed him, and he has filed a restraining order against you. and you will do the same now, right. okay – that’s probably a very good idea.
no one knows it was you who wrote the FB letter, right? don’t go offering up that info. k?
can you talk to your mom, is she an ally?
whose else are your allies in this? do you have friends or relatives who you can reach out to in your area? reach out to them.
unless you need it for work or other reasons – take the battery out of your cell. seal it in a plasctic bag and give it to a friend – with the express instruction NOT to give ti back to you for a set period of time. if you don’t have someone who can do this – then BLOCK HIS number, and the number of HIS FRIEND – do this IMMEDIATELY.
BLOCK HIS NUMBER ON YOUR HOME PHONE.
START WRITING _write it all out. if you can’t make your hands move, start talking aloud to yourself – and don’t stop.
make sure your son is safe and fed.
practice forgetting about the girl, you are going to have to work at it. – PLEASE, every time you think of her tell yourself, ‘it isn’t about her’, SHE IS JUST A PAWN. Say it over and over again, CAUSE IT IS TRUE.
About the N: IF HIS MOUTH IS MOVING or his finders are texting HE IS LYING! L-Y-I-N-G!!
BREATH.
do yo have access to a counselor? can you get access? if you can, get one.
three months after 10 years is not long. think you were triggered by going out with these not that kinda sorta great guys. it’s too soon and you have work to do to heal and protect yourself and your child.
you can get hrough this – it is a bump on your journey, A REALLY BIG BUMP, but it is ONLY THAT. IT is a process…keep going.
one step-
…and write every time you want to call or text him or answer a call, write – write for yourself or here, or come and read here.
one
Yes One Step… I am ok… I emailed him several times and even more after the call … I regret breaking my NC but he may have called just to call on x mas not sure he is really in a “program”.. think he is living with his friend or new victim called from a pay phone and I answered it curiously I think he is in an outpatient “program” like his alcoholism is his problem??? LOL …. I am not qualified to diagnosis him ….. how would I know he is a spath/narc…. Thanks for the words … Yes tommorow NC… and on monday back to the court house…
Lucky… I feel for you .. your not alone… I think I have power emailed… after the unexpected call that set me off … I have nothing to say to you… let me talk to my son… so I gave in…. to the FOG…..on speaker and heard him try to humiliate me to my son… why dont you have mom take you to the library instead of buying you books… and humiliating my son … you ran up my library card remember that (late fees) what a jerk???? we both stopped listening after that.. can even remember what he said… just told him he was a liar and that is the truth… so good nite…to tuscon and all on LF I have family there….xoxox hugs
take good care of yourself spirit.
Witsend…..thank you so much. You’re right about Xmas. My son Sky is twenty but he is a diagnosed schizophrenic and he counts on me. And he deserves better than this freaked out mom although he is my best bud about it because he’s been through it ALL with me and the N. He KNOWS what the N is doing and it is only now – after ten years – that he is showing his disdain for the treatment and it has pretty much gotten to the N. Up until now, my son has ALWAYS been kind and caring to the N – without fail! because he wanted it to work to, of course. I remember once the N said to me these unGodly words: “I’ve figured that if Sky is still nice to me when I come back, I’m good to go”. And he knows he does not have that now. Sick MF that he is. Since I banged out the LF letter/post earlier, my son and I have had a nice talk and next week we’re going out together.
One Step…..Thank you, thank you…. My mother…well, she really doesn’t want to hear it and I’m not sure she’d understand because even tho we’ve been together ten years, she’s met him maybe twice and it wasn’t like I flashed him around to my family. I think I’ve always known that he was what he was – but it wasn’t until about 8 months ago – when I discovered LF – that I had the “ah-ha” moment and realised it had all been a farce. It was the worst day of my life. However, I was then able to predict what he did before he even did it. I say, “I’m on to you!” whenever he’d lie or gaslight or whatever and he’d flip out and storm off. He never even asked why I was saying that – the MF knew and he hated it.
No, I never admitted to the FB letter. I didn’t even mention names in it but it was very, very obvious who I was and who I was talking about. But, still, I never admitted anything so there’s no proof and I’ve since deactivated the profile and disappeared. Even in my crazy messages to him since, I’ve acted like I don’t know why he’s done what he’s done. I’ll take it to my grave.
The girl is what’s killing me – even more now than when I knew for sure that he had cheated on me with her. Even though he’s ruined every Xmas for nine years (and B’days and all holidays), I still feel jealous that maybe he was with her yesterday and today (all planning my demise) and I hate that yucky feeling. I couldn’t eat today – all I wanted to do was sleep. I will keep repeating “SHE’S A PAWN” until I beleive it. I’m crying now as I’m writing this. It still hurts. My girlfriend said, “I know that you feel hurt and all that, but this is BULLSHIT! He is just evil and has no place in your life! A restraining order on Xmas Eve????? WTF!” And she’s been around the whole ten years.
I think until the restraining order is served to me (and I’m going to call the sheriff to come serve it to me after I get out of court Monday) and I know his is on the way to being served, I’ll let myself be a little crazy if the moment overcomes me. Once it’s in force, I won’t break it on my end. So that gives me 2 days to make him regret he EVER left that note on my car (just kidding…). His phone is still off and I won’t drive over there at all so there’s not much I can do but sit and cry over nothing anyway.
And you’re right about the guys and dating. I am a singer and I know a lot of people and the guys are everywhere. All want to take me out, hang out, whatever. But it just doesn’t make me feel good. Makes me miss the N (God knows WHY!!!?? Jeeeze…). You’re right – it’s a trigger. A huge trigger. Never thought of it that way. Thanks for that.
Two days until court. I’m worried about the weekend – what it will bring. What he will pull – if anything. What I will do faced with the godawful silence. I have blocked him on the home phone and I can’t answer the cell anyway because I have no minutes left. I have to have my cell because my son is disabled and he needs to be able to reach me all the time – but I can change the number online no problem.
I hate that two months ago I was saying “I don’t care if he’s with someone else. I HOPE he is. I don’t care what he is doing or where he is living or anything!” and I meant it. And, today, I am crippled with grief over losing something that wasn’t real not one day for ten years. I am grieving The Lie and it is so painful. I’m missing how he made me laugh, the great sex, blah blah……..what a crock of crap…..he sure me back in, the bastard.
I am so grateful for LF. I knew that if I could only get up to get a letter out today, that I would have responses soon and something to read from the wise on LF. And it happened. Thank you, thank you. You are all so wonderful. I’m crying again. God – the tears, the tears…..
LuckyZB – You have only been out of this ten year relationship for three months. You are acting very normal. I think we have all done the yo-yo thing with our emotions. Sometimes we are so strong and so sure we can do this, and then they reappear and our emotions go on auto pilot and we are a mess. These ‘episodes’ are little lesson’s, little reminder’s as to why we were on that floor in a fetal position to begin with. It has taken me two years to completley disconnect emotionally from my s-ex. He reappeared recently after two years no-contact and I did not open the door or speak to him. All the same I had a little melt down. I couldnt believe I didnt open that door, because deep down I have wanted him to come back. But I dont want to be in that fetal position or fog ever again and that is all he has to offer me. You know in your heart this guy is bad. Just stop beating yourself up, and go no contact again. And change your numbers – tomorrow. Most phome providers will change numbers with no charge if you tell them you are getting harrassing calls. You dont have to explain a thing to them just tell them someone is harrassing you. Also when I changed my numbers two years ago it wasnt only to prevent him from calling but to prevent me from waiting on his calls that may or may not come…Cheer up you are doing fine…
Dear Lucky, we all have been there and done that. It is a very real addiction! I also had a hook lied out to bait again some day ago, and if it was not for LF I surely would have gone back! I think we learn the most when we learn connected to emotions. Just keep the feeling that you experience now for further use if you ever have the urge to contact him again. And be nice to yourself, you are only human and no saint! Stay here and read and get comfort from the old archived posts. Pamper yourself, a bath, a brisk walk in the snow, a hot chocolate; but please don’t get drunk as it will make things worse once you get sober. (((((Hugs)))))