The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Thank you, Henry. I read your earlier post and I know how hard that must have been to have him in your space out-of-the-blue. I’m so glad for you. Talk about a test! Kudos!
I know it’s only been three months. It’s not like we’d never had those N/S/P break-ups (1000’s probably) but this was the first time I went NC and felt good from the get-go. I didn’t even cry, I was so mad at him and had simply had enough. I thought there was nothing he could do to get me back in his web. then, when all he had to do was pull up and say “call me”” for me to backslide – OMG. Then – to top himself with the biggest discard (and quickest) of all, to wreck me instantly and send me on the drive-bys, anxiety, panic, waiting by the phone within hours. It was so deliberate and such a setup – it just makes me want to know why, why, why – and I was SO past all that. I had realised there were no answers, no closure to be found, I had accepted it and I felt alive and happy and everyone noticed. Over the three months, he’d ring the cell here and there just to let me know he was a live, throw rocks at the window in anger, text..I ignored everything. It was when I started to have my weak moments – after the too-soon dates – that he got the wiff of my weakness and came in for the kill.
And your so right about the phone number. So much of the pain is created by the waiting for the call that does or doesn’t come. Sometimes I really think that he won’t stop until I’m dead – and many times I truly wish HE was. Awful but true.
Two days until I get the restraining order on him and let the cops serve me with his (bogus) order. Late this evening, four of my girlfriends offered to write statements to send with me to the court to ensure I get my order as quickly as he seems to get his. One of them is taking me down there to make sure I go.
After all this bullshit, I still had the urge to drive by his house tonight – but I didn’t. And I felt like ringing his cell two minutes ago. But I didn’t. And I thought about writing a letter and getting it out before the order just to have the last word. But I’m too tired.
It’s 4:00am and I should sleep. But I won’t.
Libelle – (((Hugs))))back! I know, thank God for LF and all the wisdom and support and love.
I just want to have that NC feeling I had the last time right from the start. Honestly, I think that – deep down – I’m more pissed off that now HE’S in control. I really thought hard about it earlier and the only thing that’s different is that he turned it around. I LIKED being the one that said “see ya!”, I liked being the one to give the silent treatment, I LIKED IT. Now it’s back to business as usual – like he put me back in my place and now he trollops off.
Truth be told, I’m probably as much of a control freak as he is. Jeezzz..
Dear Lucky,
the last word of you will be – silence-! He will be an insignificant bad fart travelling without any aim in the universe that you are not compelled anymore to inhale. May he dissolve, may he rain down, may he be blown far away; it is of no importance to you anymore. You will be free!
No explicit closure is ever possible with a non-valeur like this, he will not accept it, he will be the one who IS IN CONTROL, you have to have him have the last (overt) word; your last word will be non- verbal, silence, a nil. Otherwise you know where it will lead you (fetal position again). The closure is within you, you had enough, and I am sure you will find peace in your mind and heart and soul once the stirred up s****t has set down and you can think of where to put it as manure ot be helpful for future growing.
Hecates to Henry on the 20th – I was panicked for you just reading your words because I can’t ever seem to shake the feeling that my s-ex is not “gone” for good and like a bad penny will make an appearance when the need suits him. My IRL friend says I am crazy to think that because time has passed” but your experience of a “visit” two year after the fact reminds me that I am right and we can never underestimate them.
For these sociopathic narcissist bastards, time really does stand still. Next year is no different than tomorrow which is no different than yesterday which is the same as today. It’s all the same to them…so they just keep reappearing….
Libelle….Amen…In a way, I am relieved by the Order on the way to me and the one I will serve (and surprise) him with on Monday. That makes it a “legal” thing and I, for one, won’t mess with that no matter how freaky I feel. It will be interesting (not that I should care!) to see if the typical two-weeks-between-contact passes and he STILL makes an attempt as if he never put an Order (of Bogus Protection) in place against me and I against him. Now THAT will be scary because it’s the only boundary left that he hasn’t had a chance to cross.
Dear Lucky, that is exactly the SNP-101 tactics to come back because we go NC! To have the last discard. They do not want just to feel like the insignificant fart as we treat them by going NC. The X of my life also made contact just to make a very brutal rejection/discard 9 months ago. And then I did go really NC, and woosh, he reappeared two weeks ago, a card and a letter. I trembeled and had very bad moments, but had now the equipment to handle the situation somehow. I maintained NC, fortunately.
You have to be prepared that they DO COME BACK if you are NC! They can’t stand it, it is the worst insult to them! (and knowing this it is also a great motivation to STAY NC, isn’t it?)
Hello all..dont know if you remember me,came back today to have a read..nothing much happening here, one of my daughters..14 left home in september to live with her real father, she had been cutting up my clothes and her attitude stank,aggresive unreasonable, not unlike my npd/socio.
He mean while still has not really kicked off,we have had a few spats like any couple but they dont get extreme and many of the traits of verbal threats, verbal abuse maybe even the odd asault no longer happen.
He is attentive considerate and kind, just like he was at the start, but we have had these periods before, so no doubt at some point it will all turn full circle.
I have changed so much, I no longer try to please him, if it doesnt please me I dont do it, I dont back down and try and cajole him if we argue like I used to, I used to almost beg him to be nice and everything went on hold in pursuit of getting him to calm down, now I say f**k you and I go off and do my own thing, by own thing I mean I go off and find things to do around the house or I go shopping , play with the kids.He then just goes back to normal.Its been ten months since he came back and the last violent outburst was 8 months ago .Life is much better, he seems to know I have changed and to be honest I am not sure I love him, I used to think I would die if he left, and a few times I almost did, but now I just think WHEN he next goes I will survive as I did the other times.
I think now on a different level, almost sociopathic, I think of financial comfort over romantic love, I used to put him above and beyond any other financial commitment, now I think well since he has been back, the house imporvements have been done so I am better off for it even if it ends now, I think I have paid off those old debts, christmas has been sorted etc.
Something in me is dead..I no longer have romantic notions or expectations, I expect nothing.I dont have dreams..day dreams I mean, I just get through each day as it comes..Kids are happier too,the house is peacefull and yesterday morning was filled with laughter as it used to be, but now I sit there and see how fickle it is, how insincere he is and even as he tells me he loves me, words I used to long to hear I feel nothing I just act as if I do , at best I think “yeah for how long”? I go though the motions but its not there, he is so out of touch that he doesnt know its no longer there untill he almost goes in to one and I say well f*ck off and leave, I think it must be a shock to him!
Hope the rest of you had a good christmas and will have a happy new year.
Dear Muldoon,
It is good to hear from you, of course I remember you and when you were here before. I was quite concerned for your physical as well as emotional safety.
Each of us must make our own choice of how we handle dealing with a psychopath and the emotional and physical abuses. I am relieved for you that he is no longer so physically assaultive as before. Yes, you can make it if he leaves. You have more strength than you realize. God bless.
Hello Luckyzb,
I know the jealousy feeling. Just think that whatever he’s telling her, promising her, doing with her, has ZERO meaning, ZERO sincerity, it is completely hollow, just words and mechanical actions completely disconnected from any feeling inside – he has no feelings inside. He was not sincere with you, he’s not sincere with her, he won’t be sincere with anyone. He won’t treat her any better. Well I hope for her sake that he doesn’t – so that she realises what she’s dealing with and runs for her life…
New phone number = new life!
…and there’s no point in having the last word – he just won’t get it. Someone wrote somewhere else it’s like cross-species communication!