The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Dear Henry, TOWANDA!!!! X tried to get you out of control by you opening the door and contacting and talking to X, but you did JUST GREAT!!!! NO CONTACT, NO HINT TO HIM, he could not even peep into your room. It must have embarrassing X knowing you were there and X could not get a hold on you. You made the first step today to break away from the X-addiction. In German there is a saying “Er ist keinen Schuss Pulver wert”, means “he is not worth one shot of gunpowder”, not even worth to bother shooting him. Whether dead or alive, it does NOT MATTER! X is insignificant.
You made closure today, by not opening the door! A very strong statement!
X bothered to come up to try to impress you, even spent money for gas on driving to you but you did not even notice; you did not come out to wonder where X got the bucks from, how much horsepower the engine has it has, where X lives now. No, you just closed the shades to not be embarrassed by a naught look that has no importance to you.
And by the way, trucks are WAY overrated these days, specially since they are not environment friendly.
Whenever you feel the urge to call X or miss the “good times”, remember the feeling you have now. Instead of “remember the Alamo!” “Remember the truck!” You will get better with time I am sure!
I get triggered by small airplanes, it is vanishing though with time, and my dear X made a HUGE mistake when he ever tried to reel me back in putting a very expensive stamp with an AIRPLANE on the letter he sent yesterday.
You can be very proud of yourself!!!! I almost got an attack by a LETTER, and you stood your man while the jerk was creeping in your garden and knocked on your door! Just imaging it I really do not need the “Crime time”suspense on the telly this evening! Well done!
Dear Henry,
((((darling Henry)))))) I think it was the SUDDENESS and the UNexpectedness of him showing up like that and VIOLATING your space by walking around your place like he did—much less driving up there. Even knowing you were home, even though it did upset you, HE DID NOT GET TO KNOW THAT because you kept the blinds down and the door closed.
He wanted, I am sure to show off how “well” he is doing now without you because when you tossed him out he had nothing and will never really have anything that you have, a home o fhis own, a loving family, kids or grandkids or deep relationships or friendships with anyone. He is a NOTHING, a VOID.
He wanted to pretend to you that hew as just doing “great” and “look what a great truck I have” (bet it isn’t even his) and to strut and look like big stuff in front of you and make you jealous of him. DUH!>!!! You, jealous of that piece of crap? Not only no, but hell no! If it is any consolation I think he is still stinging from you throwing him out and he didn’t get any satisfaction today either. Sure, if you had come to the door while he was wandering around your place and VIOLATING your space (which is what he intended t o do) was to SAY he was looking for his cat (Don’t you just know that after two years ofdoing nothing but worrying about that poor cat, he just HAD to find her today? ROTFLMAO)
He reminds me of my X-friends that left all their stuff in my storage building and then assured me they would be back before June 1 to get it, then I didn’t hear from them for 8-9 months and then they had “lost my telephone number” was why they couldn’t contact me—which they did by E mail, it wasn’t like they could ONLY contact me by telephone. ha ha
They have always got to have some kind of EXCUSE and I am sure you were right about his, the cat! LOL But just as I know my X-friend COULd have contacted me by e mail if it was TRUE that he had lost my number (I doubt that at all) but they always want some excuse for their behavior that sounds “rational.”
How about this one for Mike?
” I know you don’t want me here, but I just came over today to pretend to be looking for my cat, because I have someone’s new truck to drive for the day and I wanted you to think I am doing well, though I am actually still living out of boxes and plastic trash bags, but I wanted you to think you really missed out on something great by throwing me out. That way I can feel better about myself and maybe if this new guy throws me out I might be able to worm myself back into your place so I don’t have to be on the street.”
ROTFLMAO!!!!!
Henry,
I certainly don’t think you were weak and I don’t believe anyone else here would think that either! I think you are very strong.
I think it took GREAT STRENGTH to do what you did. By showing up unexpectantly this tends to throw a person off guard. When your caught off guard often times that is when we are at are most vulnerable….
YOU however kept your wits about you…..Think about that.
I am sooo impressed by your quick thinking 🙂
Henry:
You inspire me with what you did, staying so strong with him right there. And though I haven’t been here in awhile, you always inspired me before – you have such a great sense of humor
and wit – with alot of depth as a person. I’m glad you are who you are and that you share with everyone here!
Thanks to all again, what nice things you all have said. I mite of opened the door but I was in my blue plaid flannel pajama bottoms with my comfy orange sweater. Hadnt even combed my hair or shaved. Whatever it was that he wanted he didnt get it. Fuck the new truck, it dont nean diddly shit to me. I think about him alot and ponder if he would ever show up here. Was he carrying flowers or gifts or a card? Hell no – just here to smear his putrid scent on my space is all. Glad I didnt open door tho as I was trembling with anxiety. Gonna make it through this thanks to all my work on myself and the friendship I have here…thank you
henry,
well we can all be thankful that you weren’t freshly coiffed and dapper! LOL
…man, that desire to mean something to them is deep, eh?
i hope you can do something really nice for yourself today, something ‘ordinary’ – to help bring your hormone levels back into whack.
do you have vid cameras? sure EB could get you a deal.
😉
all best,
one step
Henry, not opening the door, etc….that was the best and bravest thing to do. I would hope I would have the same strength to do that. Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS Love the dog photos!
LianneLeedom I am sorry I jumped in on your very well written thread this morning. His unexpected and unwelcomed visit caught me off gaurd. This has reaffirmed that I dont love him or feel that addiction to him. I know what he is and what he is all about. Your dogs are beautiful….heres to a healthier new year for us all~!
Liane
Those two dogs are gorgeous. I have 2 cats and they have been the best therapy for me.
I am still having dreams about him. I was with him giggling and kissing him. I woke up feeling like I had let myself down, broken my promise to myself…I do drink to ease the emptiness.
I have never really recovered the energy I had before meeting him. I guess I’m depressed. I can’t seem to reconcile, get closure. Addiction is like obsession and at some level I’m still obsessed.
I surrender to a power greater than myself….isn’t that the first step? I’m going No Contact (ha ha as if I ever really had contact with him in the first place…)
Here’s to a psycho free New Year….and if I have to be with him, then perhaps the safest place is in my dreams! The drinking alone will have to stop, it’s getting worse. I am substituting the love I got with alcohol. There was never any love, and the alcohol is an empty bottle too. I have lost confidence in trusting my self to even know what love is.
Brittany Murphy is dead. Her husband has a few of the signs…I feel for her, she was very beautiful, vulnerable and possibly fell into the hands of a P…maybe I am totally wrong!