The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
It IS the small stuff. Witsend, as I sit here, I am worried about my own intentions – honestly. Am I hoping that by getting the Order back on him, he’ll freak out and contact me again? I HAVE to do it because I can SO imagine him – as soon as I’m served – contacting me, starting a fight, and then calling the cops. Here, in Tucson, even if HE comes here or contacts ME – as long as he’s the one who filed the Order, I will be the one who goes to jail.
I’m just stressing today that I’m still playing the game – right now, this moment, still….I don’t know! I don’t want to be…but it is ALL about the small stuff….and I hate that. And I am so mistrusting myself right now as I even write this. I am doubting my own intentions and I am SO hating this!
And just a short month or two ago, I wouldn’t have played the game if my life depended on it. I can’t believe I fell this far back!
All he did was pull up and mouth the words “Call me” and – BANG – I leaped right over the edge back into the abyss!
Now I’m crying again. That son-of-a-bitch. I swear to God, I’m wishing very horrible things on him right now. This is too pathetic.
I’m so sorry for whining. I’m so sorry. I’m so confused and I hate to drag all of you into my pity party. forgive me.
Luckyzb, I haven’t been here for long but I guess everyone here has had ups and downs – and any contact with the sociopath means a down rather than an up!!
I found out mine had several other women at the same time, was stealing from me and lying about evrything constantly – not one word of what he said over the course of our relationship was true, whether it was about himself or his feelings for me – and still, before I changed my number, when I got his tearful voicemails…it took me sometimes up to 5 minutes to realise it was all lies. And then I’d still have doubts and hopes, for a week or so sometimes. Because I had found so much about that creep, I thought I was the least likely person in the world to believe his sociopathtalk (sadly this could be true!!) but still, his words reached me.
No contact, no contact, no contact – change numbers (also great if you’re filing for a protection order against him – shows you really mean what you say) – go to “privacy settings” on FB and block him – works both ways, he can’t check your profile you can’t check him. You might go cold turkey for a while but it’s the best thing to do.
luckyzb,
The order of protection that you file against him is so that he can not come near you and start “something” and you go to jail. EVEN if you are not sure of your intentions right now for getting it, It will protect you if his intentions are bad (and you can be SURE of that) You need to protect yourself if he plans on approaching into your space.
See that is what they do. You know his intentions are bad. that is a no brainer. However, he has you struggling with your own. Don’t give him that.
Think about the arrogance of it all. Him mouthing the words to you “call me”. How arrogant is that after months of NC? As if nothing has happened. This is HIS reality but it doesn’t have to be yours.
The obsessing is the hard part. Try if you can to distract yourself with something else. A little bit at a time. Watch a movie, take a walk, call a friend (and not talk about him).
Write down what you need to do on Monday and then try to let it go. For an hour at a time. Then try two hours at a time.
luckyzb,
I’ve been reading your posts, and I feel for you. How frustrated you are, how angry with him, and annoyed with yourself.
But here’s something that might be good news. Based on what most of us have gone through here, your initial smooth sailing through NC might have been a form of denial. Because really, this guy put you through so much, and maybe you have to deal with some of the hard realities, before you can heal and extricate yourself in a way that is solid and lasting.
Okay, so you’re mad at yourself. But what is pervasive through your e-mails is an avalanche of insight about his behaviors and processes. Maybe they’re not all new for you, but this last experience has really been a major confrontation with not only what he does, but it’s impact on you. If you didn’t really have that straight before, it sounds like you do now.
Here’s something else that, in my mind, is a good thing. Your anger and resistance is becoming less intellectual and more visceral. (It may have been before, but it doesn’t hurt to have another round of flat-out fury with their selfish, manipulative predation on our lives. Just to keep it clear who the bad guy in this scene is.)
And here is one you might not agree with, but your out-of-control feelings and behavior that you regret, even your tears and feelings of grief and helpless, are also part of this progress in healing. There’s the part of you that hasn’t yet de-toxed from him, and the part of you that’s going “Oh wow, I really need to take this seriously. If I don’t want more of this insanity, I’m going to need to be more careful.”
I’m not big on beating myself up in order to create self-discipline. I think that we learn our lessons pretty clearly, when it comes to dealing with sociopaths, by the hell we go through when we don’t do a good job of taking care of ourselves. You just got a lesson that you won’t forget, no matter how much you may miss him until you’re fully detoxed. And taking care of ourselves is the number one defense against these characters.
Finally, I’m really impressed by watching you process. Sure, you’re in an emotionally complicated situation. But you’re distilling insight, meaning and new rules for preserving your safety and wellbeing every step of the way.
I once read that depression is part of the learning process. When we already know the lesson, but we’re resisting it. I suspect that the kind of thing you’ve just been through is something like that. These big “mistakes” and emotional blow-ups are a kind of self-test to see if we’ve really got it yet.
I think you’re doing great. Healing is a process that involves a lot of feelings. We bounce around. We test ourselves. We match up different realities in our own psyches and try to make sense of their conflicting view points. When it’s a really big deal — like getting over an attachment to a sociopath — there’s a lot of processing at a lot of levels.
You, despite what looks like a temporary backslide, sound great to me. You’re determined. You’re basically solid with yourself. You have no intention of spending your life as a victim.
It’s going to be rocky for a while. You have some big things to figure out. Not least of which is exactly what part of you this guy has the hook into — what big hungry unmet need he was exploiting. And then figure out how to take care of that need yourself, rather than handing it over to other people to fix. (If the concept of personal needs is unfamiliar to you, check out the list at http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/needs-list/needs-inventory. Those are all normal human needs that we have a right to feel, and to arrange our lives to meet.)
You can and will do all this. And from what it sounds like (not the early NC, but the way you’re dealing with this break in NC), you may be one of the fastest healers this board has ever seen. Meanwhile, you just keep learning, which is exactly what you’re doing.
Hooray for you, and happy new year!
Kathy
luckyzb: In my journey of ongoing recovery, I can appreciate your struggle. But I also know that finding the missing pieces for self-love and self-respect can help you figure out your next steps.
I would highly recommend that you read, “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-way Relationship in Work, Love and Family,” by Eleanor Payson, MSW.
One thing that struck me is where Payson explores a flip side of co-dependency, which she refers to as covert narcissism. It rang true for me that, having grown up in a family where as a child I was forced to take on adult responsibilities and do care-taking for people around me, my own normal healthy narcissistic needs were ignored. Co-dependency has similar traits as narcissism when you really examine aspect of this care-taking role, primarily that of a “false self” that is unrealistic — expected to always be understanding and self-sacrificing and never angry. These and other qualities of co-dependency can add up to a “not-real” person, wouldn’t you say?
“The codependent person becomes entangled in an over-focus on others (originally on the addicted person).” Payson goes on to say that a primary problem in addressing issues of codependency is difficulty with the inherent issues of “covert narcissism,” which often get lost and remain unidentified because they are hidden/invisible to us who were trained to be co-dependent.
Beginning to own one’s anger at having been treated unfairly or taken advantage of in a relationship can help lead to setting healthier limits and boundaries.
Yes, as others here say, it can be easy to get back on the rollercoaster in a dysfunctional relationship that is one-sided and not meeting your needs for reciprocation.
But I also think that we can give them (the personality-disordered N/S) far too much credit. There are limits to their power — they actually are “limited” in their capacity to be fully human, and we seem to project positive qualities onto them that we really are capable of giving to ourselves, but perhaps do not feel worthy to give to ourselves (compassion,support, etc.)
Ultimately, the N/S are only as powerful as we allow them to be in our minds. We can cut them down to size mentally (through reframing how we overlooked our strengths and saw more strengths in them even with their flaws) and regain perspective. They are humans with flaws just like we are flawed — albeit in very different ways — and they do not deserve more concessions (through our empathy and co-dependency caretaking behaviors toward the N/S) than we give ourselves.
So yes, this means we can cut ourselves some slack as we make mistakes and continue to learn and gain strength in understanding more and healing from old wounds. This knowledge provides a foundation to help us become less and less vulnerable to relapse when dealing with addiction to another person.
The addiction, when broken down, often has to do with something missing within ourselves — our own disowned selves.
We can reclaim our own positive qualities and stop downplaying our real strengths. In doing so, we will start to believe that we deserve fairness and reciprocity in our relationships, and we will become less tolerant of those who are either incapable or unwilling to meet us half way.
My POST just 11/16/09: “My point is”slowly but surely, I got stronger without even knowing it”until that final day when I let him go once and for all. My son was in the next room that day and he does this great impression of me calmly yelling out from my room this cocky ” Buh-BYE-now!” as the P stormed out on what he didn’t know was his very last day in THIS girl’s reality!!!!! Every girl with a P – let your heart not be troubled!!! It’s your Divine Right to be happy and, I promise you, that your incredible moment WILL come!”
THAT was ME just over one month ago. I just had to look it up. I was halfway through reading it before I realized it was ME and the post I was looking for.
Your’re all so wonderful..thank you again Eileen, Witsend. And Kathy…..I know…thank you for the uplifting, encouraging words. My worry – aside from doubting my own intentions – is that I’ve become a control freak just like him and that I am just continuing the game (even if only within myself). I need to realize that my worry in and of itself is a step forward because at least I am “realizing” the notion and facing it. And, I DO agree, that my NC months were spent mostly in a denial state. I most definately agree. Throughout, I was amazed at the fact that I hadn’t shed a tear after all the rivers I cried throughout the ten years. I knew something was amiss about that. I didn’t think, though, that any backslide I had would be this intense. I was hoping the deinal state would have hardened me a little – and it probably did as you say. It just doesn’t seem like it today – or this moment – but maybe in the next moment. One moment at a time.
And I am going for the Order. My girlfriend is making me stay at her house tomorrow night and she’s taking me there first thing Mon. Then, I’ll call the sheriff/server on the way out of court so he can meet me at my house with the N’s Order. I just want to get it all out of the way before noon. If I could do it today, I would. I just hate that he’s making me do the court/legal/drama scenario. He knows how much I hate that. But he also knows that I wouldn’t typically participate in taking the game this far – even though he does. He’s probably counting on that. Oh – who the hell knows!
I wish I could send each of you a big bouquet of flowers today – right now, this minute!