The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Eileen,
Just for the sake of clarity, I’m going to add to something you wrote. You said, “he is the one who is fucked up, not you!” Depending on where we are in the healing process, we look at this in different ways.
In the beginning, we tend to beat ourselves up, feel guilty and shamed, and generally responsible for everything. We’re actually in denial about the fact that anything this bad could have happened to us without our being able to do anything about it.
When we hit the angry phase, we get clear about the fact that, no matter what mistakes we made have made, none of this would have happened if it hadn’t been for the other person. And that’s much better, because we get out of our self-hating funk and start to recognize what’s bad for us, and build better defenses.
But at some point after that, when we feel more secure about our defenses and more confident about our ability to evaluate our own contributions to the mess, that we consider how we want to change in order to have a better life in the future.
Looking at what was wrong with us is something we eventually have to do. But not, not, not until we’re really clear that we were dealing with something very bad and dangerous, and that have every right to blame it for the loss and pain we endured.
I only bring this up, because it’s sometimes an issue here, about blaming the victim.
People who are in the angry phase are doing tremendously valuable work on their own recovery, but they don’t want to hear anything like blaming the victim.
People who are getting past anger into acceptance of what they can’t change and rebuilding their lives and emotional systems tend to talk a lot about how they’re changing some of the things that made them vulnerable.
I hope this makes sense. Sometimes I wish we could wear little badges that say where we are on the path. Or where we are today.
These people we are talking about are dangerous – don’t get even – get free.
Eileen…”..psychiatric illnesses I suppose, can turn a person into a destructive monster” but we still know there is a person in there! I’d say that’s the difference – a sociopath is not a person. We can’t help thinking he has a soul, hidden somewhere under layers of compulsive lying, deveiving, cheating, hurting – but there is no soul in there””
Thank you for clarifying the difference. This answered my question. I’m embarrased I didn’t think of it like that since my son, who is schizophrenic, is wonderful – so, yes, the lack of SOUL is the difference. Of course it is. The lack of a soul – to me – also defines evil. I’m trying to concentrate on these words right now because I’m thinking about doing something later I shouldn’t just to give myself momentary peace.
Kathy, I really like the notion of little badges (kinda like the chips in AA) – each a different color maybe to represent how many months NC! That’s SO what it feels like – the addiction:
“Hi, my name is Zari and I’m addicted to a sociopath…”
I totally blame him for everything.
lucky I agree with you, it is all his fault. he is every bad thing you have said..but still this encounter with him will force you to look deep into your self and your past life. I am sure peeps get tired of me saying this is a Life Lesson But just because we have some issues we need to deal with does not mean they are not at fault and rotten to the core.
I try to look back, Henry, and I don’t get it. I had a great childhood with loving parents and a terrific college life. Right out of college, I was married to a nice guy for 6 years but we just grew apart and had a very amicable divorce. I guess things got wierd then because I immediately left everything I had – great job, great apartment, great friends – and moved from RI to AZ with an Army Pilot after knowing him 3 mos. Nasty divorce 4 years later but it gave me my son who was very sick from birth (so I was very busy with him). 2nd husband was a complete asshole (still is) but, I have to say, is not what I would call an N/P/S. Had two long-term relationships after that (5 yrs each) and, although I was heart-broken when they ended, I’m great friends with both guys now and neither of them were anywhere close to being an N/P/S. Now, during the very end of my 2nd marriage and during those next two relationships, I knew the N. We hung out together as FRIENDS for almost 12 years. He was in my band on and off but mostly we were friends – NOTHING ELSE (not even a kiss). One fateful night about ten years ago we hooked at a club where I was singing, stayed the night together – shocked because we’ve always only been friends – and were together ever since. Red flags were everywhere after about the 2nd week (I remember them) but it was so cool otherwise and it seemed great that we already knew eachother so well (Ooops – I obviously didn’t!) – so I stayed for ten years until now. You’d think I would have seen it prior to our hooking up…but I was too invloved in other relationships to care what the N was doing. I don’t even remember who he dated while we were friends. And then, right after we got together, my son had his first schizophrenic episode so that has completely occupied me. I really think I stayed with the N because it was easier than starting over and having the issues with my son to explain to someone new. Plus – I loved him. He was my friend (I thought). Things were very intense back then with doctors and so forth. Then I guess I just got addicted and here I am.
So, where do I find a Life Lesson in THAT? Except that I made some very bad choices early on with the N and then chose not to get out of them, the rest of my life before that – divorces and all – seems like butterflies and roses to me right now! 🙂
Now that I look at that little biography I just wrote….why the heck did I settle for that idiot way back??? I could have had anyone I wanted during the past ten years. The N is NOT all that! Except the sex is exceptional – even now. I should have left before I got addicted (had plenty of opportunity – we broke up 1000 times). I really think I settled because it was the easiest way to deal with my son’s crisis and still “have somebody”. Know what I mean?
I’m learning a lot today.
I should speak for myself – I had/have a lot of childhood issues/traumas that set me up for the predator/predators. I was just ripe for the picken. This has been a Life Lesson for me….
Hi Henry, No, no there’s always a Life Lesson – I’m sure I’m staring right at it. Maybe if I figured it out, I wouldn’t be feeling like being stupid right now and doing a drive-by. Just got home….feelin not too good right now. Hope you had a good day.