The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
one-step,
Your creep sounds like she could be not only a sociopath but could even have multiple personalities. I’ve never heard of anything quite so bizarre. I can only imagine the feelings you are left hanging with because I still think about the guy I was crushing on for only a few days! (The last one who turned out to be a big jerk). I still wonder if he’ll ever call me again, as much as I know what he is.
It’s amazing how players know just how to get you to open up and start feeling your needs, your longings, and your desires for closeness. I think those needs don’t go away just because the person does. In a way, I feel some gratitude that this latest tool got me to open up. I was so guarded before. It made me realize how much I really do want and need . I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think it is human. With all the heartaothers in my lifeche I’ve had, it’s a wonder I can even feel those things again.
Hi Star: I don’t think she has multiple personalities – she’s just very creative. I have known people who have split and disassociated like that – (in fact the ‘beautiful boy’ she pretended to be was this way – (ouu, it’s so complex)) – and she doesn’t qualify.
what she IS, i have no idea -‘cept spathic.
i went out for a walk and i got really angry – I don’t think even the N i dated really knew what she was doing to the people around her, but THIS lying sack of sh*t, KNOWS that she is messing with people, and the depth of the deception. Or does she? If she can’t bond, and doesn’t love or really experience emotional pain in relation to another because of their acts, maybe she doesn’t.
It’s amazing that a person does this.
If they are really ordered in the way suggested on this site, then she can’t be hurt. And believe me, I WANT to hurt her. I don’t think i have ever wanted to hurt anyone as much as i want to hurt her. but their is nothing I can do – okay, this is going to get ugly for a minute: I cannot threaten to hurt her at her job, the way she has threatened me, ’cause she has no job and is a lying sack of shit, I cannot go to her online dupes without putting myself at risk, the only thing that could impact on her would be physical harm, and I cannot and would not. I cannot hurt her. f*ck. this desire just implodes on itself.
what a hateful hateful creature.
Star Your doing better than you think you are. These spaths keep coming into your life and they run like hell when they know you cant be fooled..Just chill baby chill – there’s more to life than having a man at your side…live in the present…live for Star. Live with Star.
Henry, you are so awesome. Thanks for saying that!!!!
one-step, I was lucky enough to actually get revenge on the one in 2008 by turning him in to the army and letting them fry him. (He got busted for fraud and adultery thanks to me and my friends). And there was certainly some satisfaction in it. But honestly, I don’t think it hurt him or deterred him at all. 6 months after I sent in the sworn statements, he was back on the reptile site playing games as if nothing had happened. I don’t think these tools feel hurt the way we do, only frustration when their schemes get foiled. I honestly don’t think that guy I turned in has any bad feelings (or any feelings at all) about me. After I was able to let go of him and move on, it didn’t matter what he felt. If he ever showed up on the site again, I don’t think I’d have the same panic attack I had the last time. But I will maintain NC. I will simply send private messages to all my friends on the forum who know who he is. They will drive him off like they did last time.
I can honestly say that moving on is really the only revenge that works. But in order to do that, you really have to be at a point of willingness to let go. For me, this only happened after I mentally exhausted all other options. It took me a long time (maybe 6 months or longer). I had to turn over every possibility–every revenge scenario, every fantasy that he may have loved me–I turned them over again and again. I played them out until I hit a brick wall and finally just got tired of them. Eventually, I breathed and cried him out of my system. I experienced an energetic shift, and I knew I was done.
The thing I wanted to say is that it’s necessary to get the anger out of your system. If there is a safe way to do that with the sociopath, it can be empowering. If not, you will have to find another way. The point, though, is to express your anger and hurt. You will not, however, hurt the sociopath. And often, trying to do that or trying to show them how you feel will backfire and make you angrier when you see that they could care less or even use it against you.
Would you guys believe that I started writing “Star” on my name tag at the brunch today? Instead of my real name? I think I’m having an identity crisis. lol
i am going to look like the biggest N, if i start writing ‘one’.
i actually signed one of my posts with my real name last week. i was tired and didn’t notice until it was posted. donna quickly deleted it.
mind you, i have said so much now, that the spath would know me – so if there is a sudden name change in the future…
One step, if you ever change your username, can I put in the request for something that is all one word? LOL I’m so lazy about typing user names…..
So I’m feeling pretty angry toward some of my co-workers right now. I have not set appropriate limits with them (because this is one of my issues) and now find that I have to be a bitch to them to balance the scales. It’s something I dread because I hate confrontation. But I’m at a point where I have no choice about expressing my feelings any more. I guess this week will be my angry phase and everyone will know it. The worst that can happen is I’ll get fired in which case I can find a better job. Eventually, I will get a job with healthier people.
Self-expression is the missing piece for me and what has kept me stuck in depression. I hope I have the courage to do it, no matter the consequences.
Star,
Well you are welcome to call me ‘ONE’ ….rotflmao…..
i do parts of names and i also often don’t capitalize – irritates my poor hands to hit the shift key and type at the same time. good thing the spath ‘died’ when she did…the texting was crippling me. Snort
Did you read the two articles by Kathleen on anger? they are in the After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part X (5 or 6??)
read the first one closely tonight. She has a GOOD way with emotion.
Okay, ONE (lol). I will go back and read her articles. The woman is very very wise. I do remember her saying (I think it was her but maybe someone else) that she went through a phase of just being a bitch to everyone. She had a word for that phase, but I forget what it is. I have never gone through that phase because I’m always so worried about what everyone will think of me. I’ve just gotten to a point where it is more important to be authentic even if people hate me. I only wish this anger came up AFTER my evaluation instead of right before. Oh well.
P.S. You mention sociopaths being dog lover. I will say that a fair number of reptile people also tend toward the sociopathic.
P.S. I promise never to call you “THE ONE”. ha ha ha
See the thing is, I don’t want to be bitchy just to be bitchy. I genuinely am pissed off at my co-workers. A few of them have betrayed me and some of them are just plain rude. I’m sick of playing the nice guy and always “rising above”.