The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Delluca,
I second everything Oxy and Eileen said. He sounds very cruel and sadistic, leading you on and cutting you off. The one thing that struck me is that you said your parents are your main sources of friendship. I wonder if there is a support group you can join–a women’s group or something like that. This might help you stay strong while you have to work with that piece of crap ex. What a tool!
Delluca:
I hope he gags to death on his rotted lung. Buy him a pack of cigs and wish him well!
Sorry…..that was mean of mean…..well, ummmm.
This is part of the nasty horrid game of power play they resort to…..
Mine did it to me when I was diagnosed and couldn’t walk…..
I had to ‘bite the bullet’ (my tongue) and play along until I was strong enough to boot him and file….he beat me to the punch…..he filed for divorce as I was going for another radiation treatment. FUCKER!
So…..now as Star/Eileen/Oxy suggest …..YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU. I found that I needed to compartementalize myself….my feelings….my health issues……and make sure the compartments have tight fitting lids!
He will be the ‘easy’ one…..set him aside…..and sort out your father/mother issues at hand…..since your father is dying, you only have time for this currently.
As the days/weeks pass, you will become so disgusted with the S, it will take care of itself for now. You can address your emotions with him later, unravel your feelings then…..
But for now….it’s time for pops.
Reduce your expectation of the S. TO NOTHING!
You can’t be disappointed if you expect nothing.
DO NOT answer calls, texts, emails or anything…..set him aside and delete him. Do not let your curiosity get the better of you……you have confirmed how horrid he is. PERIOD.
He is a gnat, brush him off…….
It’s NOT YOU! This is part of their game…..chaotic crazy making…..play on your emotions and ‘fantasies’….he sees you are preoccupied with your father and can’t stand you being ‘taken’ away emotionally from the pain he wants to cause you from the breakup with him….this is his way of ‘bringing’ you back emotionally to him. It’s a test to see how far he can mess with your emotions.
CUT HIM OFF!!!!
If he’s NOT your boss…..they power walk all over him…..you OWE him NOTHING!!!
YOUR IN CHARGE HERE….now go take the bulls by the horns and do what’s gotta be done!!!!!!
Good luck!
XXOO
EB
Delluca:
“I’m ashamed that I’m channelling energy towards this b**stard instead of making the most of the time I have left with my father.”
That’s exactly what the b**stard wants. HE wants the attention, instead of your dying father. That’s how sick these people are. It’s on full display right now, with his lung condition and everything. It’s a play for attention, that’s all.
My sister-in-law does it constantly to my family. It’s pathetic.
My theory is that these disordered individuals are unable to love and form deep emotional connections with anyone, and it makes them ABSOLUTELY CRAZY when they see us doing it. Like your situation with your dying father, Delluca. This man with his bad lung will NEVER have the experience of those final moments with his parents or anyone else, because he is unable to love and form those deep emotional bonds.
So, he’s trying to rob you of the time you have left with your father, as well. Don’t let him do it!
Cluster B’s like to make us believe that THEY are where the action is. That we are missing out on something big, if we are not giving them all of our undivided attention.
It’s such a load of crap. THEY are the ones missing out, because of their inability to love and form deep, meaningful relationships. And, deep down, I think they know it.
Don’t let this man or anything else get in the way of the time you have left with your father. This time you have left with your Dad is special, and you will carry these memories with you for the rest of your life.
Blessings to you & your family during this time.
~Delluca, I don’t know how ill your father is.
But even if he seems to be unconscious, he can still hear your voice and feel your touch EVEN if he seems to be unresponsive.
So, I would tell you to keep talking to him even if he cannot answer you.
I kept talking to my Dad right up to the end, even though he was not responding. I believe he heard me.
The doctors and nurses should tell you this.
Oh yeah…I almost forgot.
A punctured lung sounds serious.
He should probably get that looked at.
No it’s not that serious, most people recover fast [unfortunately…]
Encourage chain smoking……
I think I read it somewhere this is a homeopathic cure for punctured lungs.
🙂
Delluca:
He sounds like an S, all right. A punctured lung. Did the gaseous windbag managed to reinflate it himself? Speaking as someone who had a punctured lung which they managed to reinflate, let me assure you that he wouldn’t be so “peppy” and problematical.
You’re in the right place for support. One thing I do suggest is expanding your support network outside of work and your family. On a counselling front, there are lots of support groups out there. On a friendship front, try getting involved with some group that interests you. I think it will help get you outside your head, which, having been there myself, isn’t a bad thing.
This place and all the people here are such an amazing resource and such an education – I find that this is one of the few places I feel at all safe anymore. In the past five days you guys have made me laugh and cry.
Dear luckyzb I have been reading about you and I see the lightbulbs going off as you are on a very hard knocks journey right now. I have been where you are, addicted to a person that cared nothing for me and just used me until I broke down physically and mentally. He was the only man I felt “safe” with, the only man who felt “familiar” and “comfortable.” I left him 20 years ago and haven’t seen or contacted him in 20 years. But what I went through when I left him almost broke me. I am realizing still just how broken I still am. I am glad that even though your son has some serious challenges even he can see through to the evil of this person and that he loves you and does not want anyone to hurt you.
Kathleen, witsend, onestep – your insights are making me think very hard about my life, what is real, what is denial, and what can I do to go forward in this hard world. Oxy – you have made me laugh thank god when I have felt like I did not want to live anymore.
Henry, and Luckyzb – I see myself, where I am now, where I have been, and where I need to be.
Lovefraud is just one gigantic REALITY CHECK for me. I have been in denial like luckyzb, and feel so hurt and so confused. I am realizing that the WAY I SEE AND INTERACT WITH THE WORLD is so messed up. I put on a good front but it is killing me. I know what the truth is if other people don’t and I feel terrified and vulnerable. In the middle of my terror and pain, however, I am seeing a few lightbulbs that make me realize that what I am feeling is what I SHOULD be feeling even as I am told that I should not. I am not the crazy one, although I feel like it right now. I thought I had come a long way in 20 years but the last few days haven’t felt like it.
I have been told I have to keep the peace – I have been told not to see the truth or to speak the truth. I have been told to deny my feelings, that what I feel and think is not right, and to stop making others uncomfortable because what I feel and think is wrong, crazy, and disturbing to others. People do NOT want to hear the truth.
My own perception of other people and my own feelings is so distorted
that it terrifies me. I have been taught to deny not only my feelings but to deny that I even exist or have a right to exist. It is fine with my family if I just crawl into my shell and die. These people are horrible, although they have succeeded in making me think that they are all good and I am bad. They have treated me like damaged goods since all my illness and disability have overtaken my life. It is inconvenient for them to be reminded that we do not always have control over our life. I know that it is wrong for them to shun me, but it makes the hurt so much worse.
I think if I can not take care of myself or enjoy any of the hobbies or activities I used to do than what is there to live for? It has been 20 years of pain and depression and disability, which I have met head on and worked in spite of and overcome to the best of my ability, but it has gottn to the point where I am wretched and need help and don’t know where to go. The last few years I have had constant severe neck pain, migraines, body pain and fatigue. I can’t leave the house because I don’t dare drive because I cannot concentrate or I can’t risk becoming overwhelmed by fatigue or pain and cannot drive home. I cannot make plans or socialize or have a life. I have been doing EVERYTHING possible – nerve blocks and different meds and nothing works. How can I do this when I have no one to help me? I have become very isolated and am too ill to do much about it. The stress of this has affected my ability to be rational. I am losing the use of my arms and hands because they are going numb and even little things like typing online or making a salad or washing my hair are only possible sometimes and whatever I do will cause pain at the time or worse pain later.
I thought I had gotten to a place where my anger and bitterness at how I was being treated was something that I made my mind up to let go of, but I find that I feel worse than ever. My entire family is distorted and sad, and I still want them to take me in. The extent of their cruelty in black and white has struck me HARD this week, as they are all celebrating Christmas together and I am not included. It is not much of a family, although I have been through this for years now and I still think “WELL SOMEDAY THEY WILL REALIZE THAT WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG, CRUEL, UNJUST.” The more I come back to LOVEFRAUD the more I realize that my FAMILY is a FRAUD. Even the family members who should know better will not stand up for what is right or loving and I AM APPALLED.
If you cannot count on your family who can you count on????? I have now seen them gather together like a pack of dogs in this cruelty.
My mother says “Well what do you expect me to do? I can’t change anything. They are my children too.” And then I think it is unfair for me to ask my mother to choose among her children. But she will tell me “Yes I think what they are doing is wrong. They shouldn’t be treating you this way.” But if she won’t stand up for or say what is right then SHE STANDS FOR NOTHING. She tells them my business like they have a right to know.
I think if they can’t talk to ME directly they have no right to know. The only way I know what is going on with the rest of my family is because she tells me – LUCKYZB I UNDERSTAND ABOUT TRYING TO CONTROL THE INFORMATION OR GET THE INFORMATION OR NEEDING TO FIND OUT WHAT THEY ARE THINKING OR WHAT THEY ARE DOING IN ORDER TO WATCH MY BACK! OR JUST BECAUSE I NEED TO KNOW IF THEY CARE OR WILL EVER CARE OR ARE SORRY FOR TREATING ME THIS WAY! The need to be right and the need to feel justified and the need to shame them and to redress the wrongs is an addiction. How can you not be addicted to wanting your own family to love you? That is supposed to be the strongest bond there is no matter what.
I am disgusted with her, She tells me “But I have to depend on Sister A to take care of me (mom is 77).” I tell myself she is 77 years old and I should just let her have peace the rest of her life. But for me that has become to deny my own feelings and my own life.
I ONLY JUST REALIZED that if she thinks Sister A will not take care of her because they have a difference of opinion THAT IS SERIOUSLY MESSED UP. She called me on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. I would not answer because all I could do was cry all day long.
Doesn’t she understand this? My whole family is together for Xmas and I am left out. Does she really think I want to pick up the phone? I am terrified that she will pass the phone around and expect me to speak to these a-holes!!!
I have left behind partners who did not treat me right, although never soon enough. It is easier to do this when you think you always have family to fall back on. I cannot get used to the feeling that I have NOTHING to fall back on. It terrifies me that my mother is 77 years old and when she is gone I will either have to deal with my messed-up family or totally leave them behind. She is the only glue that has held us all together for so long.
Luckyzb the way I have felt over this holiday has been the same place. I have felt like I wanted to die because the pain and rejection are just too much. I have never ever attempted suicide but yesterday I seriously thought about it every minute of the day, and wondered if I would have the courage to do it. It is just not something I can do, but I have to start caring about taking care of myself because I do not understand this mental chaos in my head. I can’t do simple things to take care of myself, no amount of will power can make me care about doing what is necessary to do simple things like take a shower or buy food. Even just eating has become just something I need to do but food is repulsing me. There is something frozen and immobile in me that I cannot take care of myself.
I have become a hermit and a recluse who is afraid to leave my room. When my roommate comes home for lunch or from work I startle when I hear the front door open and jump up and close my bedroom door (quietly so she won’t hear me). I am ashamed because I cannot wash my hair or brush my teeth. I just feel terror when I think about any tasks that need to be done. When I realized yesterday just how bad things were I decided that I could not live like this, because many many times over the past two years I give myself “the pep talk” and realize that I just have to get a grip and take care of business, but even that is not enough.
I do not want to live like this, but I am finding it is beyond me to not backslide. I do not want to talk to anyone. I will not answer the phone and even if I make myself I have to pretend and I don’t even have the will or the energy to do that. I have nothing to say because my life has become nothing. I have never acted like a VICTIM to others and my own pride is my worst enemy because I will pretend that everything is fine because I am ASHAMED that I need help or cannot cope. I have pulled mtself up by my last bootstrap, I am independant to a fault and have learned not to ever ask for help. The pathetic person who is writing this is not who people think I am. I am only just admitting it to myself that my life is falling apart because not to at this point would be DELUSIONAL.
People would be absolutely shocked if they knew the extent to which I have become so mentally ill. I used to be a professional and had great people skills. They would not believe it. But anyone who lived with me would believe it. My last therapist and probably my physician would believe it. My life has just become one long, unending panic attack.
I have left most of my family behind but I feel like a whipped dog who is just waiting to hear some word of love or encouragement. My mother is very narcissistic, Sister-A is passive aggressive, little sister B and Little brother are socio.
My mother lately has said some things that made me do a double-take. My father beat her up for the first seven years of my life – “But he was a good man – he was mentally ill” – “he helped a lot of people in his psychiatric clinic” – “he was a good father and husband when he wasn’t drunk or psychotic” HOLY FREAKING COW!
I feel that emotionally I still need my mother. I picked up the phone on the day AFTER Xmas to find out when my brother was bringing her home. I lost it and said (for the millionth time) that my little sister b was a sociopath. She said “stop being hysterical, and what do you expect me to do about it?” I said “Mom, I am unhappy, not hysterical, what do you expect?” SHe said “Yes you are being hysterical” – I WAS ONLY CRYING BECAUSE MY ENTIRE FAMILY HAD XMAS WITHOUT ME, WITHOUT A WORD OR A GIFT OR LIKE THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG AND THEY WERE THE GOOD PEOPLE!
Reality check please!?? My mother was always uncomfortable with any display of emotion – I think she wanted me to choke it back because it made her unconfortable. In my childhood she would become either visibly distressed or ANGRY if I cried or went to her with a problem. I am thinking the only person in my family who will help me at all is my mother, she is my best friend, but she will stand there and let me be abused by the rest of the family without saying a thing. Spath little sister B and little brother will lie to her and she doesn’t question it. I think – holy crap I cannot continue to think that she really cares about me, she will just do whatever is expedient.
And I need her to take me to get a nerve block in my neck in 2 weeks. My disability has taken every last shred of dignity out of me. I would go forward and find better people to become my new family, but I am too depressed and too ill. My ex-boyfriend is starting not to look like the shining example I thought he was. And the roommate I thought was my friend is stealing my meds. It’s obvious I know nothing.
I watched the Sam Vaknin documentary a week ago and it did not really surprise me. My stepfather has done worse, and I have seen my little brother and little sister do the same manipulations and lies and temper tantrums if you don’t THINK or ACT the way they want you to. My mother is just like the pathetic woman he is married to. But the “victim walk” scared the crap out of me because I am depressed and disabled and it is not even possible for me to not look or not feel like someone who is very vulnerable. I don’t even want to get my own apartment because I will feel even more exposed than I feel now with my roommate exploiting me.
And I can’t seem to think clearly any more, between the horrible chronic pain and the pain meds and the depression. I cannot even get my finances or my health care decisions straight. If I cannot depend on my own mind and body to take care of myself I have nothing. If I get groceries or do laundry or even try to wash dishes I will be crippled with severe neck pain. If I could I would not take the meds because they depress me, but it is the lesser of 2 evils. I was able to work and function without pain meds for over ten years, but now the fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrome, occipital neuralgia and body wide neuropathy have become horrendous. Even my large capacity for denial is not enough to deal with the level of pain and fatigue and disability. I do not feel safe anymore and wish I could get back some small sense of well-being.
Please forgive me for being so long-winded but I have to get it out. Now I am in a lot of pain just from typing it. I have a very long way to go and I will have to crawl to get there.
Kathleen every thing you say in this thread makes sense to me and I feel like i have been through all of these phases over and over. The anger phase, especially at my family is so hard for me to get through. Every time I think that I love them or I need them or I want them to do the right thing or I am strong and can leave them behind just puts me back into the anger phase. I feel my own judgement is very suspect. I have had almost eight years of therapy to try to deal with my depression and physical illnesses and my dysfunctional family and/or relationships and I feel like I have just had the same pain over and over and learned nothing.
Stargazer – you could have been writing about me – I think our experiences have been similar. I was fine when I was working and had my own life, and even after I couldn’t work any more I had my boyfriend, and then he left me and it was difficult but I thought I had my family. Throughout my life I have felt very alone even more when I try to be social or join groups. The anxiety I feel is overwhelming. I moved back to my home town 2 years ago, thinking that my family would welcome me and I could get back together with old friends. It has become very difficult because without work and a reason to interact with people I feel like someone who fell overboard in a big empty ocean. I have days without pain and the depression and helplessness lift away – but I can’t manage my life on one day a week.
7 steps, this is one step – see, we a re kin. 🙂
I only have a few minutes, so my reply will be much shorter tha your post deserves.
I have fibro, and arthritis. I know. I know what it can be like. I am in a fairly high functioning period right now.
Girl, I am so sorry for what it is like right now for you – I know, I understand.
I am sorry your family is as they say, ‘a corrupt source’ and cannot be there for you, especially at this time of great need.
I have a little fight going on with the cognitive therapist i see once a month – dude has too much money, status and health to see waaaay over the desk to my experience…but, he has really insisted i do muscle relaxtion techniques for my anxiety.
sometimes i can only press two fingers together, cause making fists then relaxing my hands – well, it fucking hurts. so, i do the fingers, then I press my toes, etc. breathing out with each gentle release. it is helping.
I’ll come back later. take it easy today – your heart deserves a rest – no way in hell you deserve this pit of trouble around you.
7stepstoheaven,
You really have so many hardships with your health right now and dealing with the emotional pain as well must be awful for you. I can NOT express with words how bad I feel for you right now. More than anything you need someone to help you (pro active help) and all I can do is try and sooth you with words and offer you some ideas.
First of all it is unfortunate but true that people in general do NOT understand how crippling depression can be. Especially when the very meds you take for other health reasons “keep” you in the cycle of depression.
I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your doctor. I only know that I personally had always been a little intimidated by doctors and never stood up for myself with them. After all…They were the doctor. However once a few years ago as my mother was dying in the hospital, and was still supposed to have surgery. I meekly asked a nurse (that I liked) if I may have a second opinion from another surgeon. She encouraged me to do so. Since that time I have actually been able to be my own advocate when it comes to doctors. I have learned to speak up.
I don’t know if you can take anything from that story or not.
Certainly am not suggesting that you don’t speak up to your doctors. But sometimes doctors don’t hear us unless we speak LOUD & CLEAR. It isn’t that you would be suggesting to the doctor that you can’t take your meds for your illness but does he really KNOW how it affects your depression. If so what can he do about that?
Maybe it would also help if you had some support system besides your family. Especially since they are the source of much of your emotional pain right now. I know how difficult it is to ask for help from the “outside”. But maybe this is exactly what could relieve your situation a little bit. Generally speaking many hospitals have people on staff that are peole who donate their time. Driving people to doctors appointments, picking up meds, and similar things. If not the hospital maybe other agencies you might try.
Sometimes our family of origin can be cruel to us and helpful strangers can be kind.
This way maybe your mom could go with you and take you to the really important visits such as the nerve block in your neck….But maybe you might be able to be independant of her for other visits?
I know this isn’t the perfect solution and it will do nothing to repair your emotional distress with your family for the time being. But it might enpower you just a little bit to be able to do some things without her help. Because it sounds like you
pay deeply (emotionaly) for the help you recieve from her.
And lastly, (forgive my ignorance on this matter) is there any support group through the hospital or (? other places) for the illnesses that you suffer from? Because there is nothing like a support group of people that walk in your shoes and GET IT. Just as we recieve here at LF.
If you could just feel a LITTLE better (health wise) and have other ways of coping with your situation better……You can’t do all of this without support of some kind.
I know independance is important to you, but if you can ask for a bit of help now during this really bad time….Maybe you will be able to have even more independance in the future.
xxxxx