The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Sheep can teach us about love and it’s pretty scary!
Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths
recovering
Henry, I just got caught up on your close encounter from earlier today. Wow. It amazes me that after all this time, your ex has some nerve to just show up. I, like others here, certainly don’t think you were weak! Good to hear you feel comfortable about the outcome of the event.
Ox Drover
Sorry, but who is Brittany Murphy?
Staying sane, Dear, you are so right! Love YOURSELF. You deserve to be loved! Especially by ourselves! We all do! congratulations on putting the bottle down, it is an empty bottle and only brings more pain! (((hugs))) and my prayers for you! Merry Christmas! and a P-FREE New Year!
recovering
Stayingsane, your point that addiction is like obsession reminds me of something I once read (here on Lovefraud?)about how the N/S don’t love, they become obsessed — intensity mistaken for intimacy.
The intensity of our experiences with them is something we too can ponder as we continue unraveling what the attachment was all about, as part of our ongoing recovery into 2010.
libelle
Oxy: Brittany Murphy is a 32 year old actress, she seemingly died of heart attack (little early? she seems to have been fund in the shower this morning. Was Ex of Ashton Koucher) I will inform you further after my next trip to the hairdresser with all the tabloids.
Henry: I am so glad you do better, and that you have nice neighbours!
I calculated that the jerk spent at least 140 $ on this trip if you count it all! (gas, amortisation, taxes, fees etc, if you calculate it per mile). Wow! And you were so ungreatful!!! Naughty boy!!! 😉
Ox Drover
Dear Libelle,
I thought the name sounded familiar but I don’t keep up with the latest gossip on the “stars”—32 is quite young for a heart attack, you are right there, but could be either drugs or congenital heart defect–or who knows, murder? I assume the tabloids will drag up all the dirt they can on her. anything for a “story”– I hope she didn’t have any little kids. Sad.
hens
He did this for 2 possible reasons (1) to show off his new truck. (2) He is moving back to Arkansas close to Ox and wants his cat ( his current bf would not let him have the cat.) But whatever – I am glad he is not driving the little white ford ranger that I bought him, now maybe I can look at white ford rangers with out cringing..He is not my problem anymore. If he pays me an unexpected visit once every two years I will consider it a reminder as to why I have boundaries now. If he continues to visit more than that I will get a gallon of purple paint and throw on his pretty black truck and let him splain that to his current sugarbooger.
neveragain
There is a saying, I’m told, in AA that says “get busy, get better” and it seems that is part of the point of this blog post. Also, I think I remember the dogs of Dr. Leedom are rescue dogs. Regardless I think another thing that helps heal is reaching out to someone who needs your help. I just adopted a very old dog. He is wonderful and so loving. And he clearly needed a home. He has given me so much happiness.
For me, I had to get INCREDIBLY busy before the obsessing went away. It has, most of the time.
And I AM resolving to start exercising again. It’s been a year since I did!
struggling
Henry,
I just love the way you talk. I use to have a friend that used words like, skeered and splain. There is others that I recalled from your posts that he used but I can’t remember them at the moment. It’s strange but there is something so heartwarming in it for me.
I’m sorry that the P put you through that this morning. They just can’t stand to be forgotten, I think.
I believe that you are a beautiful soul, Henry. God Bless You.
hens
Heavenbound _ Your a sweetheart. I had a meltdown this morning but doing better now. You know me, I try to find humor when I can. Glad you like my okie lingo. And I hope you are doing well.
Ox Drover
Dear Henry,
If he moves down here close to me, he is making a BIG mistake and you know that one! I am the most heavily guarded old battle ax in the world, with two–count them TWO armed body guards most of the time, and at least ONE all the time! to say nothing of the fact that I also pack heat! LOL ROTFLMAO
Purple paint! Great idea! Get you a can and set in just inside your front door with a screwdriver laying on the top so if he shows up again you don’t have stop or delay to hunt a screwdriver to open it with! LOL ROTFLMAO and Maybe you can get a cat and dip it into the paint and throw it on the truck! Ha ha
My x FIL the P had an XKE and his garage was an open one and the neighborhood cats got on his hood and left dirty foot prints so he strung a HHOT WIRE (110 volt) across the top of the hood, and when those kitties hit tha thot wire, their feet went into HIGH GEAR SCRATCH OUT AND CLAWED CLEAN TRHOUGH THE PAINT RIGHT DOWN TO THE METAL on the Hood of his car! I loved it!!!!!!
My stinking cat that I had to spend so much money on and take into the house to keep her from being persecuted by my son C’s PSYCHOPATHIC cats (who live outside because they are destructive monsters!) has taken over this house as the QUEEN BEE, she is getting smarter too. I keep her out of my bedroom at night so she can’t fight with the dog at night and a cat/dog fight go across my head in the middle of the night, but every time I open the door, she SCOOTS in and run s under the bed. I was teasing her out with a raccoon tail on a string tied to a long dowel rod like a fishing pole, only to catch cats! But she has gotten wise to that now that I use it to lure her out of teh bedroom. I think ALL Cats are psychopaths! They are put on earth by God to test our patience and sanity and to see if we can out smart them. dogs have masters and cats have STAFF! BTW research has now determined (really, not a joke) that cat’s purr has a high pitched frequency that brings out the nurturing instincts in humans—well, at least non-psychopathic ones! That answers a lot of questions for me about cats! LOL ROTFLMAO