The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Kathleen –
This is the most rational and TRUTHFUL thing anyone has ever said to me. I am tired of the delusion and the fairytale and the completely unrealistic expectations that have ruled my life. It was EXACTLY my force of will that has gotten me through, and it was the only method I had to cope. But something was still not right. I would see people who were happy and think that deep down in the heart of myself I did not really know what that was. I could look at people acting with rational self-interest and wonder why I could not really do that without feeling somehow “wrong” or “selfish.” Or in my worst depression that there was no point because in my heart of hearts I truly felt that life would always disappoint me and true joy was not something I could ever attain. It is exactly the viewpoint of a small child who has not gotten her way, and thinks that the only choice is to give up.
You wrote this –
“This is why our anger with other people, for many of us, comes down to an argument with God. Why were you so mean to me, God? Didn’t you love me? I was a nice little girl; didn’t I get any extra credit for trying so hard? Were you just trying to take everything away from me until I got sick and died?”
For you to say this would mean you are either psychic or you have experienced my life. This could practically be word for word what went on in my seven-year-old mind after my father was killed in the auto crash. I actually remember “bargaining” with God every night before I went to sleep. I could not understand why this all-powerful being would do such a thing to me. I remember the seven-year-old anger and grief and I am right back there baby! That is exactly what I am experiencing now. It was never over and done. That was when I consciously turned my hurt inside because it seemed like the biggest betrayal of all. I never really recovered from that because I wasn’t assured by anyone that it did not mean the end of the world, or the end of my life. I had never learned to assure myself.
I decided after some months of futile bargaining that God did not exist because there was no one listening. How else could the resounding deafness to all my prayers and pleading be explained? I remember my sister and I were at my Grandmother’s, and I said to her “I don’t believe in GOD anymore.” My mother happened to overhear me, and got very angry with me for saying that – because she did not want my Grandmother to hear one of her children saying such a thing. Not “why” would you say such a thing. Just “you better not say that again” because it makes me look like a bad mother. Because she was being a bad mother.
I learned to build up the bricks into a fortress between myself and the world, because it was dangerous to let anything slip. It is not possible to exert such control on the world. There is no flexibility in a brick wall, and it blocks out all the light. Anyone in such a hellish prison will eventually reach their breaking point.
My anger is breaking down the wall, and the light is hurting my eyes. I can only look forward to the feeling of moving into the sunlight.
Wow! Thank you Kathy. I can feel the earth shaking underneath my feet. I feel a sense of something really huge shifting in my world. Astounding. Righteous. Right.
I am so blessed to have stumbled onto this site. Although, like finding out about his ways I thought I just stumbled on those as well. I realize now…you dont stumble onto anything in life. Everything happens for a reason and even he happened for a reason. He has hurt me , but not killed me…he has shamed me but not killed me…he has preyed on me… but not killed me ..what has he done truly for me ? He has taught me .. And I always soak up lessons and will use these lessons to benefit not only me but anyone in my life that may come across the same thing.
I have wonderful family and friends and he does not….even his own family calls me and i will not blast him I will listen. we are all looking for answers and we will get those in our own way.
I loved him …he abused that ..I will stand up for myself and I will trust myself and I will not hate him!… I will not let him control me anymore. I feel free tonite…I have daughters coming over that never say no to me tomorrow. He has 2 children GROWN that do not speak to him. I have friends that are pulling me into conversations and wanting to go to a movie tonite on new years eve….I will be here cleaning out the cobwebs in my head …so that tomorrow I can focus on the important things and people in my life. I will use the experience of being with him and most likely help others in the future…he will still be wandering around trying to find the next victim… I am not a victim by not answering him tonite or calling him back…I am the winner … I was a winner before him …a winner while with him …and will be a very very deteremined winner after him.
I will have what he never could find…LOVE… FAMILY… SECURITY…and CONFIDENCE ..i can lay my head down at nite and know that I have never intentionally hurt anyone….never stole from anyone and I love for one reason …to love and to give and not to take anything from another…he will forget me and i will forget him to a point..
I still want him to want me which is part of the sickness and i know this…but …it is fading from me as fast as my memory of him being with me last is fading. He is probably doing to the new person that he cheated on me with the same..I have warned her..she knows i am sure…i planted the seeds and it is up to her to do with the info what she wishes..she will most likely take him back..because …it was after all me the crazy lady that told her etc…he lies…and i cant worry about her ..i only care about me and my world now.
he is not capable of loving..i am and i love fully and without regret…and oh can i love…he cant take that gift from me EVER. and i love people and i will trust again..i will just be watching out for my gut instincts and those red flags much more than before …but he will not take anything from me..financially nor emotionally…and i did have an angel looking out for me .
happy new years everyone!!!
Happy New Year! It’s been 1 year and 4 months since I kicked my psycho, manipulator, malingerer ex-bf out of my home. I’ve written a couple of times before, but I’m still a bit shy of sharing my feelings (or anything!) for fear of being ‘gas lighted’ again.
Bless you all! I check this blog daily, and it has helped me heal. Can you believe that after all this time that the fear, rage, and seething anger is subsiding, and I am finally moving forward? Thank ALL of you so much!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
7 steps – that’s what everyone keeps saying – MOVIE, BOOK, WHATEVER. writing is dear to my heart. and this pain is a little too close.
Recovering – Re fraud case- she was charged quite a while ago. the woman who is suing her was conned from 2005 – 2007. But, as you can tell – and even though evidence of what she did is on the internet – she hasn’t slowed down. She’s even on the internet as herself, and then there are the many many manifestations of her.
She is a ‘bad woman.’
GASLIGHTING i need to re view that?? i have no idea…i do know about all the silent treatments where hed disappear for a month at a time ..i thought..who does that??
fahrahri, you said,’i do know about all the silent treatments where hed disappear for a month at a time ..i thought..who does that?? ‘
People who have others they are sleeping with, other lives they show up for occasionally, scames going on in other places….that’s who.
fahrahri , gas lighting is when someone plots to have you question your own judgment and sanity.
from wikipedia…Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person’s environment without their knowledge, and to explain that they “must be imagining things” when they challenge these changes.
The term derives from the 1938 stage play Gas Light (originally known as Angel Street in the United States), and the 1940 and 1944 film adaptions, in which a wife’s concerns about the dimming of her house’s gas lights are dismissed by her husband as the work of her imagination, when in fact he himself has actually caused the lights to dim. His action is part of a wider pattern of deception in which the husband manipulates small elements of his wife’s environment, and insists that she is mistaken or misremembering, hoping to drive her to insanity.
It happened to me…my ex tried to convince me that I had an affair with a 21 year old neighbor. He wrote a note, and logged into a website on my computer supposedly as this kid. Crazy shit! I was so freaking confused…I was seeing the true pathological mind for the first time. Within 5 minutes of his accusation I threw him out with threats about police. It was only afterward I discovered it was all planned and he stole a lot of my hard earned things.
Oh. well! Happy NEW YEAR! Yippee!
HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY LF FRIENDS AND SUPPORT.
This is the BEST bunch of strong, giving, loving, eclectic, encouraging and WONDERFULLY SEXY people I have ever had the pleasure of being ‘in’ the company with!!!!
We can choose to make this a good year…..a year full of laughter, love (of ourselves), and tranformations.
I wish you ALL the best for this virgin year!
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
EB
Erin Go Braugh
Erin
or The Bitch!