The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Happy New Year to you too, Erin B! May it be a great one! xxxx
And to all the other wonderful posters who are all helping each other, and me, to heal. Thank you!
one-step, I particularly wanted to thank you as you posted something very helpful to me about my low, low self-esteem and you told me to focus on it by taking the N/S out of the picture and letting it stand alone. It doesn’t make any sense here when I say it, but it really helped me when I read it. I wish I knew how to find my old posts.
EB!
What you said about going forward like a bitch into the virgin year – just sounds right – Have a Towanda! new year everyone!
It’s OK to put your own needs first for a change!
Thanks to EVERYONE who has been so kind and caring and have heard me when I thought that there was no one listening.
Kathleen you have dragged me kicking and screaming into the new year like the new year’s baby taking her first choking breath of air after bursting out of the stifling dark womb. It is a huge opportunity to actually make the kind of life for myself that is one worth living. Thank you for seeing it so clearly and having the guts to tell me what I needed to hear. Your beautiful spirit and your caring words are like lovely healing music that the whole world needs to hear. You are such an amazing writer – it is like you are channeling “the better angels of our nature.”
You have taken your pain and spun it into gold. We can all hope to be transformed by such spiritual alchemy.
fahrahri I have seen many times in my life that everything happens for a reason but then I forget that lesson and keep myself trapped in the “spin” cycle. When you are constantly off balance and dizzy you can’t focus on where you need to go. You need a fresh pair of eyes, some reassurance that you are not crazy. I was so alone and thought there was no love left in the world, and then I came here and found loving, smart, funny, wonderful human beings that gave me hope again. I can see the healing going on here and it is such a beautiful thing.
Oh boy am I getting all mushy and misty and will drown my keyboard with HAPPY TEARS for a change!
And a very special shout out to onestep and witsend and pollyanna who have helped me and held my hand especially this past week when I was having such a difficult time. You are all just lovely people. You have all shown me that it is ok to let out the pain, it’s ok and there is someone who will listen and hear what you are saying and will CARE.
And to everyone here – thank you for the BRAVERY you show in telling your stories. Because you are willing to share all of your pain, shame, frustration, fear, anger and confusion, we are all learning how to process our own dark thoughts and feelings, and seeing that healing is possible.
EB – this new little naked baby could probably use that little baby poncho you need to regift!!
Here’s to love and laughter and new life in the new year!
Happy New Year to everyone! May we all make great leaps forward in 2010.
And 7steps, thank you. I’m really glad it landed well.
Kathy
7stepstoheaven and fahrahri —
A funny thing I’m realizing based on some responses — that sometimes, even in our shared experiences, our definitions may be slightly different.
fahrahri, you mentioned “the silent treatments where he’d disappear for a month at a time ..i thought..who does that?”
The silent treatment I experience — and found painful — was when my ex didn’t respond to my pleas for clarification on various confusing matters (like when someone denies your sense of reality). The callousness of his non-response or minimizing my concerns was so invalidating of my genuine needs for information and emotional support. The most either of us disappeared was a week at time during different periods of break ups…until the final break-up, of course.
7stepstoheaven: Like you said, “I have seen many times in my life that many things happen for a reason, but then I’d forget that lesson and keep myself trapped in the “spin” cycle…that makes us feel constantly off balance and dizzy… you can’t focus on where you need to go.”
YES — I finally get that there are people who can’t/won’t change. Before, I only knew about personality-disordered N/S people intellectually. Nothing like being up close and personal to give us a “fresh pair of eyes, some reassurance that you are not crazy” as you wrote.
So we can do better when we know better AND accept/embrace what we know.
Becoming,
I am so glad it helped you.
wish i sitll had the post (I have started to save some of my posts ’cause i lose them on here, too) but i do remember.
Rougly, what I said was: to look at what you had to deal with as NOT being wed to him; that basically it was yours now to deal with.
If the emotional charge could be reduced (cause THEY can hold so much emotional power in our heads that we get stuck) it would free you to work on what you needed to.
I hope that you feel yourself stronger and taking up a whole lot of space in 2010!
all the best becoming,
Happy New Year!
one step
Kathleen, Happy New Year to you, too!
Have printed off much of what you have said here lately, to me and others and am reading in the quiet moments of the day. Long long way to go, but I feel stronger and a bit more able to meet the challenges of my situation.
best regards,
one step
o
Yes…I had the same thing he would laugh at questions to make it seem it was all silly bs!!
OH…last nite he gets thru by blocking his number on my cell and leaves messages till 6 AM!!!! this man has no regular sleep pattern like normal people…
Its all MY fault he had another woman that he was asking to marry OR SHOULD I SAY PRESSURING like he did me .
He said he will go to his grave knowing it was all my fault!!
Im like good you hurry the process!!! ???
Because of this site I am more at peace and the anxiety that ive been riddled with the last 2 weeks has finally subsided and I dont have to have any last word with him. Im moving on in a positive direction and can just move in his!
He said he is done and actually telling me to go away?? he is abit confused on who is calling i guess..
HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! YAY!!!
oops ,,,,,meant COULD you hurry the process!!
fahrahi – ahh, the death wishing humor is present; a very good sign of your sanity!
Happy New Year!
one step…
YES…Today is a great day!! im blessed that i am at peace for the moment. I know there will be times that I will miss him but i do count my lucky stars and say thanks to heavens above that i didnt loan him that money or let him back into my home. im going on a snow sking trip and he wanted to stay in my home…like hell no! ugh!
rereading this note i ask my self…miss WHAT exactly? the control, lies, money mooching? ummmmm, not so much!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!