The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Fahrahri – you’ve got the ‘sh*t list’ of spath behaviour out and you are reviewing it!
have a good time on your trip!
Is there a way to locate previous posts that I’ve posted to? Thanks and
Happy New Year
I wanted to thank Kathleen for a response to an earlier post by 7stepstoheaven that rang true for me too. I relate to the deep grief over the care I did not receive as a child, and now, that old loss comes up in my fearful separation from my husband. Like repeating the past with the parents.
The typical record I play goes:
“Wasn’t I a good girl? Wasn’t I nice, smart, responsible, obedient, kind? Wasn’t I so sweet? Then why didn’t I get the love I needed? Why wasn’t there anyone to comfort me?” and then the anger: “It’s UNJUST! It’s UNFAIR! “They” should see how bad they were. They should feel sorry for what they’ve done to me.”
I laughed out loud reading what Kathleen wrote because that’s JUST what I think:
“The truth is that these people will not meet your needs. You can call them names, like sociopath or narcissist. Or you can take the “high road” of forgiving and trying to understand them. You can hire a gypsy to cast some spells. You can tie them to their chairs and scream at the them until you’re hoarse. It doesn’t matter. For reasons that have nothing to do with you and never did, these people will not meet your needs.”
You can’t get blood from a stone. You can’t get blood from a stone. You can’t get blood from a stone.
Weird how I think that part of me is stuck in wanting to have a “day in court” and “prove” to my husband how much he hurt me, how unfair, that he should be sorry. I do want to sit him in a chair and scream at him till I am hoarse. Is that what’s keeping me from leaving him now? This childlike wish to set the wrongs right?
7step, wishing you healing in the new year.
Kathy, thank you.
I have to break this addiction for 2010. The S called and text stating I love you I never stop I wanna be with you of course I went to remember when you did this and remember when you did that, It seems as if though he forgot or he chose not to remember I know this man is crazy, that something is seriously wrong with this man. He gotta think Im super stupid he said I going through so much shit right now. I thinking this man wan me to be his plan B because things not working out with the ex-wife that he left me to return too. Ok I step back just to see if his actions can match his words you know what he havent called today new years day, all the love shit was said before midnite new years eve, he didnt call after 12 hit. He still doing the same b.s. I’m going contact her (me) when I feel like it. I know he never gonna change, I know he can never be the man I need in my life, he is who he is. Its sad because when he was telling an texting me all of that a small part of me was hoping it was true but his actions shown me he playing games I will never understand!!!!!!
a perfect reason to protect yourself with NC….
STOP THE MIND GAMES….
Allow and MAKE 2010 a healing year!!!
Good luck….. remain strong and in reality.
i had been doing good with NC the love texts weaken me and Im being honest this didn’t break me, it didnt hurt as bad as it use too I try to gain strength everyday
Luv:
Okay, so now you know your ‘weak’ spots and need to remind yourself of your strength when the ‘weak’ spot texts come in……
Can you block him, to protect yourself from even knowing your getting texts or calls…..Is this feasable?
He knows your ‘weaknesses’……this is where they hit!
It’s NOT about the words…..it’s the actions….words can ooze out of anyone!
Be on alert, you know your weakness with him…..so spend the time working on overcoming your weakness in that area.
Remind yourself….it’s just sputum coming from his lungs….
I wish you strength my dear……and I’m Proud you didn’t allow this to break you!!!!
Growth….growth …..growth!!!
🙂
Thank-you
part of ‘moivng on’ is getting on with facing the challenges I have in my life. and one of those thing is finding a new job. my current contract ends very soon, so tonight i am writing a resume for an appl. due tomorrow. and i have set a boundary – up only to a certain time, can get up early and take time from my work day to send it in. my rulz. my life.
Have also reached out to a bunch of folks to recommend me for this job – being head hunted by Rotary 🙂 is proving to be really awesome!
I was talking to my employment councillor today and she was shocked in the change in my attitude – NO, it doesn’t matter so much what I want for work this damn town has a strangled economy and i don’t have the luxury to wait for something i want – i have to grab what I can reasonably do. i have no insurance and the second this contract is done i am 2 steps closer to the street. And then she told me they have donated clothing for job interviews. WEEhaw it was christmas – I got 2 great blazers – felt like fricken christmas!
other possible good thing this week too re money for housing. not sure of it yet.
Okay, tiny break – gotta get back at it.
(and by moving on i mean – not staying in the headlights. and after out of this present contract – then i am free to out the spath if that’s what i decide to do. and as martha says, that’s a good thing. f*ck you sock puppet lady)
one step is siiiiick. 🙁
i had some body work last night – i have been feeling very tired and tox with chemicals, achey with arthirsits, etc.
the work done last night gave me a wicked migraine. have been in bed all day. couldn’t look at the computer screen, so couldn’t work. and have deadlines blah blah
it is hard to take care of myself. but i have done pretty well in the last 24 hours – i am still learning how to move out of the high anxiety experience of 2009. and just REST.
and i saw an issue come up with the guy i am doing the grant for around schedules and boundaries – and i saw what happened to my noise in my head when i ran over my own boundary. one put in place to meet my other obligations and reduce anxiety. err.
one step has soooo much to learn. sigh.
would you all come over and rub my back, stroke my hair and tell me funny jokes. some candy would be nice, too. not too much, but a bit. good, that would be very nice.