The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Sheep can teach us about love and it’s pretty scary!
Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths
Renewedhope
This is my first post. I just want everyone here to know how grateful I am for finding this website! I wrote Donna and told her of my horror story today. Like my chosen usename I have renewed hope for my future for 2010 and beyond! Shedding myself of that slimey socialpathic woman who slithered into my life 27 years ago is now gone. I will make sure she doesn’t come out of hibernation! Thanks to all on this website! Happy New Year! Knowledge is the best weapon a victim can have!
ErinBrock
Renewedhope:
Love the uplifting positive name AND your attitude.
You’ve found a wonderful resource for healing and learning.
Buckle up……and remain strong for your educational journey into finding out what you have been living.
Welcome and HAPPY NEW LIFE!!!!
Kathleen Hawk
one_step, here is a virtual gallon of spring water, a magnesium tablet (to alkalinize all that acid toxicity), an Omega-3 fish oil capsule to balance your brain chemistry, and an aspirin to shrink down those inflamed places that are keeping you from moving the toxins out.
Herx reactions are hell, but the good news is you’re getting all that stuff out of your system. You are going to be so much better when your liver and kidneys finally catch up with that overload of body junk.
Congratulations on your pop-up awareness of getting outside your comfort zone with boundaries issues. A couple of years ago, when negotiating one of the first contracts since I was getting better, and doing it with a man who took pleasure in haggling any contract down to the last possible point of advantage for him (including making up all kinds of things about the pressures he was under from his advisors and stakeholders), I found myself saying for the first time, “This is a non-negotiable item, if you want to do business with me.”
I thought I’d have a heart attack when I got off the phone. I called up three people, and said, “Do you know what I just said? I can’t believe it. I think I’m actually getting better.”
And it wasn’t that I didn’t need the money. I really, really did. And I liked the company and wanted the contract. And I also knew that it was a clause in my contracts that everyone fights me on. (The standard liability clause in PR contracts that makes the client responsible for any legal issues that may arise for me, in carrying out their directions. Which has never, by the way, been triggered, because I’m pretty good at advising my clients when they’re about to say something that’s going to get them into legal problems and refusing to participate, if they don’t listen.) I mean, I sympathized with his desire to get out of taking on that legal liability for me. But it was a hard boundary issue. I wasn’t going to work for someone who could throw me to the wolves, if his directions got me named in a lawsuit.
I watched him play the victim and bully-bluster and quote his attorney’s directions to him (and I frankly don’t believe this attorney even existed), and I finally sent him a letter to give to his attorney, explaining why it was in his best interest to keep that clause in the contract and why it was out of the question for me to work without it. And that was the end of it. My firmness trumped his anxiety.
I suppose if he’d had an equivalent option waiting in the wings to give him the same service as me, without the clause that it might have killed the deal. Or if he was so determined to win at all costs, it would have killed the deal. (But who’d want to work with someone like that?)
Later, I started evolving this strategy into a dozen nice ways of saying, “This doesn’t work for me.” or “Let’s figure out a way that gets both of us what we want.” But it comes down to the same thing. Done charmingly, or with a soft touch, or encouraging them to think out of the box, it’s still about my hard boundaries. We can find another solution that suits me, or you can start up your search all over again to find someone else who can help you.
Tough-mindedness, when it comes to self respect, has paid off for me. It did in the past too, but I didn’t really understand the principle. I used to think that I was fooling people into thinking they were lucky to work with me. (Imposter syndrome.) Now I don’t worry so much about what they think of me, because I’ve found that if I think enough of myself, it trains them on my ground rules. (And it also illuminates the situation pretty quickly, if mutual respect is not on the table.)
I love the way these things work.
Be well. Tomorrow will be better.
Kathy
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Kathleen…..ty
a little prezie i didn’t expect when i was coming here to say, one step is managing to focus today – better than she has since the didn’t exist boy died almost 3 months ago.
sigh. she is happy.
ubiquinol, DHEA, omega 3, rhodiola, B’s, dddddddd, 2x day. right, go drink more spring water with lime juice…pad pad pad to kitchen.
HOUSE is toxic. i love the house. but it is toxic. getting less so (renovation off gassing and bus stop outside door and stupid smoker in basement – not to worry ’bout him, one step has death ray!) but still.
i am much better today. more grounded. more focused, waaaay less pain. and evidently very very young.
🙂
best,
one step
back to work like a big girl now.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Ha ha ha ha ha ha……….one step has a job interview!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
AND, big pharma is going to cover one of her $100 a month medications…woo hoo!
ErinBrock
ONE:
GOOD JOB……!!!!!!
Keep on pluggin on girl….things will all turn out….your moving in the right direction.
YIPPPEEEEE!
one/joy_step_at_a_time
EB – thanks!
the Exec Director said that I was a strong candidate – nice thing to hearBEFORE an interview.
i really came her to say ty again for lily allen’s f.u. very much. 🙂
just listened to it again – nice morning song! didn’t catch the ‘hate your whole crew, so please don’t stay in touch’ lyrics – special meaning to me 🙂 like the disconnect between the lyric and the candy pop – good music for spaths as IT IS WONDERFULLY IN CONGRUENT. – and does this in congruency = emotional flat line for spaths? or would they read the two tones as separate?
i was on the bus last night and had my first real chat with my bully landlord’s son – FLAT EYES ALERT! whoa. i am chatting and thinking, don’t give anything, just ask questions and keep it superficial, and keep watching those eyes. do do do do……
i am really looking forward to having the time to post next week – things are cooking well though, percolating, lots of questons coming up about the spath’s behaviour. will bring the bits to the sage here for decoding. i only have my first level spath decoder badge, but hope to move to the second level very soon. I am already able to translate spath to english and read the heart murder in it. At some point I will need to get my fire making badge, too; burning lies in the salt of the ground of love.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
anniversary things – i am working on an annual campaign that i was working on when the spath came into my life. when he was still a sweet troubled boy, not the career spath i have come to know she is. sigh.
hopeful6596
I am having a difficult time breaking my addiction to my sociopath ex. This man was incredibly manipulative, cruel, and exploitive and was cheating on me the entire time. I feel like I don’t need to go into details, because when I read the stories here, it’s like reading my own. I was with him for 6 months and ended up foolishly getting back together with him for another 6, and he did the same exact thing. The extent with which he went to lie was astonishing. He was on a particular dating site which he used to meet women all the time. Now, shortly after we broke up the second time, he met someone with a rich family, whose father is a doctor. Now, my ex is highly educated, and at age 39, hasn’t been able to hold a job and likes to “borrow” money from people, but he’s very, very charming and intelligent and I think people are usually impressed with him at first. He is on unemployment now, having been fired from his last job. Anyway, I found out he spent the holidays with this woman’s family and now he is off the site that he was using to cheat on me. I am devastated. This seems to be common on this site–wondering if a man like this can change with someone else. It’s an awful feeling. I know I haven’t given much information about him, but when I read the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, he fits every criteria. Yet, I am devastated thinking that he is giving everything to this woman that he would never give me. Can someone offer words of advice?