The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
hopeful: he isn’t giving it to her either.
that’s the truth of it. it’s just a game. we think they are having a *wonderful* time, and we have been left.
but it isn’t ture. they are just ‘having a time’ – no wonder no awe. same crap different dupe. that’s all.
it isn’t anything – just lies and smoke and mirrors.
he will never give ‘it’ to anyone. he has no ‘it’ to give.
make it tiny and small, not big and shiny in your head – cause it isn’t anything at all – just some dust that we mistake for gold.
best,
one step
Hopeful:
Heres the gig……Be THANKFUL it’s her now!
Trust me….he’s only playing the act he did with you to ‘land’ you….he’s not turned into this mystical prince charming and she’s NOT getting anything better than you got……and it’ll end once he uses her and family up……soon enough….
Really…..they are an act, a facade a fake an illusion a fantasy of our own sorts…..what they are NOT is real…..
They will never be happy, because they don’t feel and always want more…nothing is ever enough.
DO NOT take any of his actions personal…..
Step back and look it with out the ‘rose colored’ glasses…..
He cheated on you the whole time?????
Are you not worth more than that?
You never had a real relationshit….YOU had a fantasy….of which he was not capable of playing the prince for long.
ACTIONS SPEAK WAY LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!
Be thankful your NOT her now…..you are free to heal and be in control of your own life…..
She’s just supply~!
Welcome to LF….you’ll find a lot of good info here….the more you read, the further ‘away’ from him you’ll feel!
Good luck!
ONE:
Any word on the J O B???
hey EB – interviewed this am. went well. will know by this friday. it’s a GOOD job. half time and the amount i am making now at the job that is about to expire.
I did finish the grant i was writing – it got in on time. they are paying me (did i say this before?) $75.00 hr to write grants. cough spit? reeeeallly?! wow.
and 4 hours after the last one was submitted, they asked me to write another. 🙂
mama’s paying her rent next month!
…it was an $800,000. grant.
…which is going to look damn swanky on my writing c.v. if the company gets it.
Thank you One Step and Erin Brock!
Geez, I got replies so quickly and was touched by your answers. I know that I am completely obsessed right now with what the hell he is doing. You two are probably used to this with us newbies. 😀 The thing is that I was an easy target for him. He didn’t get off the “networking” site because he said it was just for dating and had other fun features, like blogs and stuff. So, even though it bothered me I trusted him. I keep thinking that his relationship with her is a way to “prove” that he isn’t the monster he was with me. Normal people just do not do what he did to me and others. But now, he is off that dating site, and he had never gotten off with me, ever. I also never met any friends of his and this girl has met his friends and he has met hers. From the outside looking in, it looks perfect. Yet, he met her shortly after we broke up. We broke up in mid-June. He started dating her in early to mid July for sure, (I didn’t know at the time) and he was still calling me wanting to hang out, and was angry because I wouldn’t. In fact, in Sept. he called and said that a friend of his went away and that he was apartment-sitting and wanted to know if I wanted to come over, hang out and watch movies. Well, I didn’t know it, but he was well into his relationship with her! He was angry because I wouldn’t come over and he said that he should just stop calling me because every time he talked to me he would just want to see me more. Again, he was seeing her at this time, for sure. Once he knew I wouldn’t see him, he started to allude to the fact that maybe there was someone else in his life becasue he said that the only thing he could do was “learn from his mistakes and not make the same mistakes with the new people in his life.” Of course I freaked out, like he wanted, and he said, “I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth.” I asked him if he was still in therapy (it turned out he never was), he cryptically said, “that isn’t the only way to make changes.” So now he has me believing that he has made these changes for her, just like he wants me to believe, because he KNOWS it would crush me.
Hopeful……
GIRL….he aint changed……he’s just analyzing her boundaries to STOMP all over them. He’s playing her the way he needs to play her, for whatever it is his motive is….family money….networking….whatever…..
They size us up….’romantically’, then exploit what they can….as soon as he ‘got’ you to trust him…..he felt he had you in his palm……
Honest to god….THEY DON”T CHANGE!!!!
And if they learn about Cluster B’s…..it’s only knowledge they use to tighten up their game…..
If he knew you always made dinner by 6….bet he was home by 6…..for the benefit….
If he knows she doesn’t cook and expects to be taken out at 7 each night….bet he’s there to ‘comply’ and appear to be the greatest boyfriend…..
Read this link…..i’ts about the ‘next woman’.
An article called So you think you so special…..
It was very telling to me……in a lighthearted way. But VERY TRUE!
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml
hopeful : ‘because he KNOWS it would crush me. ‘ you nailed it.
and we could run numbers here on exactly when he started to see her – as in how long BEFORE you broke up. this is what they are like. evil little misanthropes.
I can guarantee you – it isn’t perfect. it’s a lie. and you don’t have to see it as something that you are missing. more like, thank god you are missing it.
you have given some nice examples about his ability to twist things, shame you, lie, gaslight, allude to and be vague, cheat and make things your fault.
read the blogs here. nice list down the left hand side. after a while you’ll see how transparent his behavior is, and this will give you power.
take care,
one step
Erin Brock—-OMG! Something you said just made me remember something an it gave me the chills! You said, “it’s only knowledge they use to tighten up their game.” Flippin’ brilliant. Wanna know why? When I found out about all of his nasty lying and cheating, I “outed” him to a few people who I thought should know. One was a very good male friend of his who my ex had been emotionally conning. He told me that every week he and this friend would ask one another 10 questions pertaining to accountability and integrity, in order to improve their lives. Keep in mind, for the entire year we dated, my ex was doing this “accountability and integrity” stuff, all the while being a liar and cheat. His friend definitely had no clue. Anyway, I’m getting to the “brilliantness” of your comment. So, he was pissed that I outed him to some people, but he looked at me and he said, “You just made it easier.” You are right, Erin Brock, he used it to tighten his game! Hell, I remember giving him a book to read that I had read as well. Throughout, the author stresses the importance of partners “feeling safe” with one another. Two days after he read the book, he said he wanted me to “feel safe” with him. That was the night that I found out he had programmed into his cell phone one of his other women as “dad” to make me believe it was his father he was calling and receiving calls from. So much for feeling safe, eh? I am going to read that article. Thanks for sending. I like you guys here. 🙂