The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Sheep can teach us about love and it’s pretty scary!
Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths
hopeful6596
Thanks One Step!! I so appreciate your support. I am feeling better already.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
you are welcome hopeful.
me too.
i gotta go to bed now.
one step
ErinBrock
Hopeful:
You’ll have lot’s of those ‘moments’ if you keep reading articles and comments here….
We can get off on many tangents on different topics that trigger thoughts/memories we may have forgotten in the ‘storm’.
I like this part of the ‘journey’ as it helps me put together peices of the puzzle of my life…..I feel this necessary.
There are a lot of ‘aha’ moments to be had here, so stick around girl!
The S#2 and 3 (business relationship) recently…..he sent emails that contained signitures of quotes about honor and integrity etc….
In his belongings he wrote and cut and pasted the same things about honor in raising children….YET….he’s not seen his kids in 2 plus years and is 1000’s behind in child support….
WTF…….helllllooooooo Integrity????
this is what they do!
Hence….actions over words!
hopeful6596
Erin Brock,
I guess the action over words thing is a bit confusing to me right about now. He DID get off his dating site with this new woman. So, that’s why I am feeling such anxiety. Although, I know they have the capacity to do absolutely do anything to feed the illusion, the illusion of normalcy. But I’m still stressed about it, thinking he’s made a spontaneous recovery
hopeful6596
What the hell are we doing up at this hour? 😀
ErinBrock
Have a nice day! DELETE>…..
Cat
Hi hopeful,
“I am devastated. This seems to be common on this site”“wondering if a man like this can change with someone else.”
I read your post and the above jumped out at me in a big way. I used to worry about this a lot. I thought, OK, I’ve put up with all the crap and now he’ll move on and be all grown up and not treat anyone else the way he treated me. It’s all an illusion. My EX pulled the same thing, on several dating sites with women (and men), all the while professing this great love for me, which I came to realize only happened when his wallet was empty. What this woman has coming is what you’ve already gone through. It’s hard to believe that people like this exist, but they do. I think that was one of the biggest humps for me to get over, hon. I simply couldn’t grasp the concept that evil lingers in certain people and they embrace it. I look at where I am now, and while I’m having a tough time financially(he took almost everything), I am SO blessed that I have my sanity back(most days 🙂 ) and that chaos doesn’t rule my life. I took my life back. Keep coming to LF. It has been a life saver for me. Hugs
Cat
hopeful, have to add this. My ex would suddenly go into “busy mode”, as I’ve come to call it. All of the sudden he was fixing things around the house, cleaning the house, cooking, making my coffee in the morning, giving me love notes, etc… It was all part of a pattern. It was all about wooing me to get what he wanted. It could be that new TV he had to have or money needed to pay one of his personal bills, or tickets to a game, whatever. It was NEVER about doing something for me that came from his heart because he truly loved. It was a well planned scheme to get what he wanted. The funny part is that in the end, I used to sit there and laugh inside, which sounds rather sick in and of itself, but we DO go a bit crazy when we’ve been with one of them for awhile. I would stop him and ask him how much money he wanted. He HATED that I had figured this out. THIS is how they operate. Every single move mine made was not for me, it was for him and what he could get out of the situation. This is how they are and I don’t think they change because they are incapable of that. Mine TALKED about change, but that’s all it was, talk.
Rosa
I have found that even empath men (and women) are resistant to changing their ways once they reach a certain age, not to mention the Cluster B’s.
“Psychopaths don’t feel they have psychological or emotional problems, and they see no reason to change their behavior to conform to societal standards with which they do not agree. To elaborate, psychopaths are generally well satisfied with their inner landscape, bleak as it may seem to outside observers. They see nothing wrong with themselves, experience little personal distress, and find their behavior rational, rewarding, and satisfying; they never look back with regret or forward with concern.” page 195 of “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare.
So, I would just say don’t waste too much time wondering if your parter has changed, or might change, or is going to change. It’s not really worth it.
Instead, spend the time looking within yourself, know who YOU are, and find what it is that you really want from a partner, and go from there.
one/joy_step_at_a_time
Okay, just got the call. Someone else got the position I interviewed for yesterday.
My first response: that’s okay. I have a bit of money from this grant writing gig I just finished. The director was very positive about my qualifications and I asked for the reason the other person was chosen and it was a closer fit in one key aspect of the job. The interview was very positive and I’ll keep looking.
Then it has gone like this: okay, so I don’t get out of this contract right away, Then the SPATH’S FACE ROSE UP IN TO MY CONSCIOUSNESS ”“ FUUUUUUUUK. IT WAS LIKE THIS PIECE OF EVIL, TELLING ME I AM TRAPPED.
Hoo-boy. This is intense.
(One of the happinesses when contemplating this job was that it would start very soon, I could leave this contract i presently have and that would set the stage for outing the spath ”“ ’cause she wouldn’t have any leverage over me in the real world.)
Okay, this has to be a gift too. I need to out her. I need to be safe. Because I am focusing on being safe, I am really questioning my motivations ”“ and trying to analyze them. And maybe this is part of that knowledge ”“ if I don’t out her I will feel forever trapped by (her) threats and intimidation.
Or, maybe I just need to keep ignoring this picture of her, and acting the way I want to live. Like the way ignoring them diminishes their ability to draw energy from us. Punch the shark in the nose, or see its true non existent nature (as a voice and image inside me). Dharma rising.
This is the 2nd time an image of her has risen – the first time as the boy – and i understood it at the time as more of a purification. This one probably is, too. But it felt like a coming in, not a going out.
i had so many people behind me helping me to get this job. and it has been a hugely positive experience.
(this area sucks for jobs. oh, my i don’t want to go there right now.)
Would really like some feedback on this – lots actually. I know i am posting in the middle of the day and that’s not the heavy traffic time of day 🙂 so may just repost this tonight.
wow.