The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
a purple cat – ox your my twisted sister i love ya~!
Can you just imagine what a cat covered in purple paint flung onto that truck would DO!?!!! ROTFLMAO Of course you need to use water based paint so the cat won’t get hurt or sick! LOL I laughed and still laugh about my X-FIL and the hot wire over his XKE, served him right! Poor kitties got their revenge on him! No tellign what it cost him to get the car repainted. LOL and he was such a skin flint too.
Yea, I AM a twisted sister, but you already knew that didn’t you!? Who else would ride a black jack ass with a pheasant feather hat? LOL Well, I’m going to bed you guys have a good evening. I just got a call from son D and he arrived at his destination safe and sound, and will be home 12/26!
((((Henry)))))
I haven’t been aorund LF much the last weeks – life has been non-stop busy – school conferences and my kids and I have been taking turns being sick since before Thanksgiving… it has been a rough couple weeks. Amidst that, I had a minor setback in my own recovery when a couple of conversations about, and two chance sightings of, the s-ex (Matt, I REALLY like that distinction of s- ex rather than ex-s!!!) (one in my very own school) that caused me to have a major PTSD flashback/anxiety episode. I worked through it – but like you was caught off gurad by the intensity of the emotions he still evokes. You, my friend did a wonderful job of keeping yourself safe. Knowing how my episode felt I can only imagine the spectrum of your emotions today when he came to your house. I was panicked for you just reading your words because I can’t ever seem to shake the feeling that my s-ex is not “gone” for good and like a bad penny will make an appearance when the need suits him. My IRL friend says I am crazy to think that because time has passed… but your experience of a “visit” two year after the fact reminds me that I am right and we can never underestimate them. I am so sorry you were so blindsided, but as I said you did a wonderful job and reached out for help and support to help you stay strong. Your shout out to Oxy was especially touching and spoke so much to the power of the love and support people get and give here… this place is truly a blessing. Many hugs and good thoughts to you, Henry… you faced the devil and won by not opening the door physically and symbolically.
xo Hecates Path
PS – Oxy and Erin B I caught your replies to me several weeks back and didn’t get to acknowledge them at the time. Just wanted you to know that I hadn’t forgotten and that you taking the time to reply to me was apppreciated. 🙂
(((Hecates)))) Your post is just what I needed to finish off this hectic day on a good note. It is great to see you here. Thank you for your kind words. I am not stressed or hyper-vigilant about it. Was just caught off gaurd. One year ago I would if been a basket case.. I am sorry you also had a bad encounter with the s-ex. xo henry
Before I go to bed I want to thank ‘everyone’ that helped me through a difficult day – thanks to Donna for this site.
hope you have a good sleep Henry! take care.
OxDrover
Thanks for your lovely kind words, I think we all need lots of warmth, kindness and love to combat the steely ice cold abuse of a P/S So I really appreciate it.
Brittany Murphy was a very whimsical, ditzy, talented very vulnerable actress. I loved her in the ‘dead girl’ and ‘Girl interrupted’ she was in great comedies with Ashton Kutcher
She married a guy 4 weeks into the relationship, history of cons and scams and filling her head with ‘dubious rubbish’
I liked her and I suppose was mildly watching her rise to fame and the relationships she had. Its a real unexpected death as she was only 32
Ox Cats are Egyptian Gods and Godesses remember that! they indeed have staff, and I have no problem with it! once they are given respect and okay a little more pampering than most animals…they are born luxurious and it’s their nature to be adored. Yes slightly psychopathic especially with the mouse! but those little faces and the blinky eyes!!!
Ah, Yes, Stayingsane, I can understand why the Egyptians thought that cats were gods, CATS THINK THEY ARE GODS! LOL But so do the Ps. LOL Yes, my little(she is VERY tiny only 5 pounds) cat thinks that she has found nirvana in the house and that the dog is her toy and we are her servants. The only rule she respects is to stay off the counters! At least that is ONE rule of the house she respects.
She does return lots of entertainment for us “worshipping” her though and keeps us in stitches with her kitten-like antics and seems smarter than most cats to get her way. She’s catching on that the coon tail on a string is a LURE to get her out of my bedroom in the evening without me having to chase her from under the bed with a broom! LOL So I’m having to come up with alternative ways to keep her out of the bedroom at bed time! I’m not sure I am smarter than she is, or as cunning! LOL
henry:
I just caught up with your Sunday situation. Another case of the exes come crawling out of the woodwork at the holidays. In the last two weeks I have heard from 3 ex-BFs and 2 cluster-B former friends that I chose to discontinue friendships with. I will not be surprised to hear from the S-ex. A friend saw him on the street looking dissolute and glassy-eyed. Obviously he’s using drugs again. But, not my problem.
Regarding the shiny truck, I would lay money on it that the truck isn’t his, but temorarily borrowed/liberated. My S-ex was notorious for swanning into a room full of people in some expensive piece of apparel that supposedly his employer (an ultra-expensive, ultra-exclusive clothing designer) “lent” to him. The fact of the matter is that his employer would “lend” clothes to celebrities who would get his clothes into the magazines, not to a back-room employee. No, this was just
S-ex feeling entitled and putting on a good show.
As for his sudden concern about the cat — 2 years? Like the cat would even remember him. Forgive my saying so, but both you and the cat are better off without him.
If he returns — and he will — do what a neighbor of mine back in New Orleans who was a cop once told me when somebody was trying to get in through my door. “Son, you gotta gun? Well use it! And if you shoot his sorry as on your sidewalk, drag his sorry ass inside and finish him off!”
Matt – I think killing them would be doing them a favor. He accomplished what he wanted by coming here, showing off the new truck. But I am sure it pissed him off that I didnt care to open the door. I dont know if he will be back or not, I dont know why he would. I wont speak to him, whats the point? I cant believe anything he says, nothing that comes out of his mouth is true. I wont give him the opportunity to lie to me. Thats what no contact is all about. In a way this episode has been good for me, not that I needed anymore confirmation to convince myself he is a physco, but any little doubts that I had are gone. Zilch Nada – he is what he is – so I wont ever imagine him as anything other than toxic dog vomit…..