The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
In 2010 I will continue to value and delight in the essence and power of ME!!!
I learned this from losing it to a malignant Narcissist Sociopath.
In 2010 I will take care of my personal needs FIRST.
I learned this from giving EVERYTHING of myself to a Narcissitic Sociopath first.
In 2010 I will bring out the warrior on anyone that seeks
to use, undermine or destroy me in any way shape or form.
I learned some of this from a Narcissitic Sociopath. But, this was always in ME.
manifesto!
🙂 It’s good for the soul!
I wrote some thoughts today about my experience with the sociopath and what it felt like for me going through it and what it also means for me now.
These thoughts are really very rough, and I am not totally feeling like they form a whole picture for me yet. It’s like a bunch of pieces of a puzzle swimming around in me. Nevertheless, I still would like to share what I’ve written.
Quite a few things Kathleen has written in her posts about her own experience and how she has processed things started getting things kind of gelling together for me. I also read the myth of Narcissus and that triggered some feelings and thoughts as well.
I looked at a Narcissist, not knowing what I was looking at and fell in love.
I fell in love with a reflection, for that is all there ever was.
That reflection was MY DREAMS.
That reflection was ME.
There was NOTHING behind it but emptyness and ruin and an infinite darkness. This made the reflection so much stronger.
The reflection rippled and put me in a trance until I knew not reality from reflection.
And then the Darkness stole my soul.
LIke a meticulous embezzler he drained me.
My light replaced with his infinitely ugly horror.
The thieve’s work was done in seduction and stealth until “I” was dead.
And the reflection replaced by a teaming, swirling, stinking abyss of endless, timeless rage.
The rage that has only one purpose – to CONSUME.
It almost did.
Until I ran screaming in mortal fear and outrage for MY LIFE.
Now I love ME and not a reflection.
Imaginary dreams have been replaced with goals and plans that cannot be stolen.
And dreams, well they are for the night and belong to ME alone.
Lightsaber:
Thank you for sharing your writings…..very powerful…VERY powerful!
Writing is very healing…keep on keeping on!
Thank you so much EB 🙂
It’s really very empowering reading other stories so much like ours, yet each in our own pain and process and then sharing our own stories and getting validated.
Totally agreed!
I think since we never really experience closure in these types of relationships…it’s important to find validateion….and LF is a terrific place to share this.
Well for me closure would be fully learning the lesson that I had to learn and that would include healing from it and moving on to the next level of self actualization. To me, that would be about the most closure I could get.
Hi everyone!! It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been super busy with the holdiays, and I have started another semester at school. Let me tell you, 16 untis keeps me plenty busy!! Tonight is my 28th birthday!!!!!!! And it happens to be the 3 month anniversary sice I’ve seen or spoken to the ex S, which is the longest time in 4 years since I’ve stayed NC. Today is a HUGE victory for me. I was nervous all day that he was going to pop up, and he didn’t. I guess I kind of expected him to, but it’s been such a relief that he hasn’t. I FINALLY know that I’m going to be ok without him. It couldn’t come at a better time for me. My girlfriends took me out for an amazing dinner, and I’m completely content with spending the rest of my evening with MYSELF. I can’t tell you how huge this is for me. 2010 has been peaceful and happy for me so far, and I couldn’t ask for anything more. I now know that if I can get through these last 3 months, that the next 3 will be a piece of cake….and so will be the 3 after that……and the 3 after that….. Today has been HUGE for me. I feel so grateful and lucky that I haven’t let him have a negative influence on me today or for the last few months. I feel strong, empowered and healthy. I couldn’t ask for a better start to my year, even if it is ALONE. I am finally ok with alone. In being alone, I have learned to aprreciate the smaller things in life that enrich who I am. My friends are AMAMZING, school is such an accomplishment and I couldn’t ask for a more loving and supportive family. I finally feel like I’m looking at the world without the “fog” of him infiltrating how I see everything around me. Sometimes I wonder how I let someone like him into my seemingly normal and happy life. He may have given me an excitment and intensity that I thought i coudln’t live without, but tonight I finally know that I’m going to be ok without it. I couldn’t be more thankful for this realization and acceptance. Even though my 28th birthday wasn’t very exciting or grand, in a way it’s one of the most meaningful and happy birthdays I’ve ever had. I hope you all are well. Now that I’m settled into a schedule, I plan on reading and contributing more. Miss you all, your stories, how you make me laugh, etc…..etc….. Big hugs. XOXOXO 🙂
Congratulations, about EVERYTHING, Amber! Happy Birthday!