The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
But is has put me in a funk – I am pissed – guess he accomplished that also.
Henry,
I am sorry you are in a funk. But maybe if he comes around again you won’t even get pissed the next time….
In some ways he “invaided” your space by coming to your place unannounced. Maybe deep down that is what pissed you off. By him being so arrogant to just show up…
Either way YOU did good by not opening the door and showing him that you dont give a rats a__ if he comes a knocking….
Hi Wit – Yep that was arrogant. I am sure he wanted a reaction of any kind. he did not get it. But I have been steaming mad all day. I have been reliving the whole crazy time with him. All the things I did to help him etc. The lies. I wish I had walked out and hammered him in the face with a shovel. But he is crazy – I would have to kill him if I did because he would come back when I was gone and burn my house down with my dogs in it. That is what is so frustrating, living out here all alone in the sticks with no body to help me. And people think I am bitter just because I got burnt. He is crazy in that dark way. I dont like the way I am feeling today. That hyper vigilance is back. He is up to something. I have left him alone. Why does he torment me? I am so sorry you have heard all this before but thanks for caring Wit…I just want to move but i cant – this is my sanctuary and he is imposing again again and again… nobodys knows that he is dangerous they all think I am nuts….maybe I am..
OMG, Henry, it must be National Players and Sociopaths week. I’m SO sorry that worthless piece of crap bothered you. Thank God you didn’t open the door. Contrary to it making you “weak”, it makes you smart. There is no conversation with that creep that would have a good outcome. I wish for you a speedy bounce-back from that little episode. God, they are just so selfish. I wonder what’s going on this week? I also got a phone call from a guy who played me for a few one-night stands several years ago and abandoned me. I am long over him, and then he called a few days ago out of the blue just say “hi”. I did the same as you, henry. I didn’t answer the phone. It went into voicemail. I listened and deleted. Not to mention the sociopath I just fell for briefly from my reptile site this past week. At least I got out of that pretty quickly. But JEEZ, what’s going on this week???? It’s the Week of the Living Morons.
hey Star – I am not doing good tonite. I thot it wouldnt bother me after so long, but just like before he was the first thing on my mind this morning and all day..and wonderin if he was here up to no good when I am at work. etc etc etc.. he is evil bastard son of a bitch – I am so sorry I blog so much here …sorry I am crazy.
This is a really great article about how to go about healing from your involvement with a whateveryoumaycallit. Henry you were not off topic at all as what you did is exactly what the article is proclaiming- beating the addiction. I am happily married, and have 2 wonderful kids yet I let this woman get me so worked up I couldn’t think straight. They bring you high, then go for the throat which obviously catches you off guard. How do normal people process this type of treatment, of abuse? It is hard to do. But thankfully there are other people in the world who don’t soul murder, and there are a million other ways to spend your time. I expect mine to come back in some manner as well, and I don’t know how I would react either. I would like to beat her about the face and head, but then I would like to think that I am above all that. I am doing pretty well in trying to live in the now, but the mere fact that I still think about her from time to time still sucks even though I see her more clearly for what she really is- self serving, arrogant, evil, treacherous and you name it…. She also proclaims how great and grand she is with her house that according to her is so high tech and her 200 hundred facebook friends. I should be glad though that she is unleashing her hell on them instead of on me…..I have better things to do like be with the people who really do love me, and have my best interests in mind. Period.
Henry,
You are feeling violated Henry that he just came to your house like that without warning. And that is VERY understandable.
Our homes should be the ONE place where we feel safe. And when we don’t feel safe in our homes it is a very uneasy feeling.
I totally understand this feeling violated in your own home, because several years ago in the middle of the night someone bashed in my bedroom window and I thought someone was breaking in my house. I awoke to the glass breaking (very loudly) I awoke in a PANIC as my bed was only a few feet from the window. I dialed 911 and it took WAY to long, for the cop to get here. Weeks later I found it was just a bunch of kids, they caught them… BUT it took me a LONG time to feel safe in my house. And I didn’t NEED to know how long it takes the cops to come because if someone did plan on coming in after they broke the window I would have been dead by the time they arrived. The 911 operator actually told me that the cop was on another call and that is why it took him awile to get there! I am like WTF….We have 2 cops directing traffic if there is an accident in town DURING the day but ONE on duty at 2:30 in the morning?
You are not “nuts” for feeling this way. Your home IS your sanctuary…..
Cut yourself some slack on this one…What he did was very arrogant. HOPEFULLY he didn’t get what he wanted (you to open the door) and he will not be back. I think the holiday season has the evil people in the world all coming out of the woodwork.
thanks Wit – I dont know if you were here back when I started blogging but he did break into my house three times and kicked holes in the wall and doors and trashed the place. He would go into these drunken rages and jump in his truck and drive like a maniac and litterally trashed the truck taking out trees as he left. I called the police and was told they did not get involved in homosexual disputes unless someone was injuredand then they would take us both to jail. That was along time ago. Your right I feel violated. Wit he broke into my house one nite and started cutting his wrist to prove how much he loved me. He has many scars from doing this in the past before I knew him. He overdosed on pain meds one nite and I loaded him up and took him to the emergency room and he ran off when we got there and called me a week later begging for forgiveness. I was determined to never let him back in. But he was homeless and he would lose his job if I hadnt, and the tears and sobs were so real. I felt so sorry for this fucked up little guy. But he would continue to lie and cheat and steal and I went crazy feeling sorry for him. He is a survivor that is what he does – so he needs to go – I am over him..
Star-
or in my case, week of the never did die morons 😉
wow henry,
I don’t like that you put yourself down…you are NOT nuts. Then you are sorry for blogging here so much and sorry for being crazy?
You are NOT crazy and as far as I am concerned you do not blog enough. I look for your posts when I check in and there just isn’t enough of them. Your kindness and intellect and humor and sincerity are the highlight for me especially on days that I am hurt, or angry, or lonely, or ‘crazy’, or scared. (I spend a lot of days scared, just waiting for the other shoe to drop, because I know with the P, it is going to.)
You are in my prayers for peace, love, and happiness.
By the way, you can’t blame him for wanting another opportunity to get in on you, your light and strength are great attractions to them. We are all like flying insects, the light mesmerizes us and we can’t help but go to it. The P will just keep beating against it until it blows the light though so…there you have it, expect that the p will always be lurking and make sure you have your ‘light cover’ on for extra protection! Oh and for those like me, that just want to fly around the light, please don’t pick a dark cover, a see through one is great! and you can watch the p beat himself to death trying to blow your light!!!
Keep yourself safe henry, but try not to obsess and know that you are not nuts or crazy. I have no doubt that this has been extremely toxic, upsetting, and caused so much to come flooding in, but it doesn’t make you crazy, even though you may feel like it. Lots of love and hugs to you, and God bless you, again you are in my prayers.