The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Morning….all =)
I think the new year is a great time for letting go of bad habits…to new beginnings….Let go…be free, choose happiness…choose people that matter to us , that do bring out the best in us not the worst…people that have our backs! not people that would throw us under the bus to take their falls for them… who needs that…not us… Not me… this year I am going to try something new…hot yoga .. I hear its really good for you… although I hate to sweat that much… sweating the toxins and toxic people out has got to be worth it!
We have the best gifts to appreciate the love we are capable of giving and receiving when the real loving people come around….its not easy but I can let go a little at a time day by day… I know that I loved someone that is truely not able to love me back the way I needed and its useless to think other wise… I am learning to move on without the bullshit… that follows toxic people around… it takes a while because the vodoo that they bring into our lives takes its toll on us and it makes us think we are “crazy” when we are not…. then again I love that seal song we all need to get a little crazy…. but we are not like them…I know I am not he took on my habits my goodness my honesty my truths …. like he was the truthful person not ME…, well it is ME and I am getting myself back… I was lost for a long time.I let him take the best parts of me for his selfish reasons… this bridge is burned to him… he can no longer cross it the troll will eat him alive!!!!! Yes to the new year ! and new challenges!
Thank you for the timely post. Its so correct that its like an addiction
Just a few months ago I moved again and finally got rid of all the photos and things that my p had made or given me. When we broke up he asked for a drawing he had done that he had me frame at $114. when he knew I hadn’t the funds. Anyway, I dropped it at his house and left it by the front door. But a part of me is upset that he never acknowledged that I gave it to him and it was on his birthday as well. That is addiction as I know that I’ll never get closure from him and I’m aware that I was in love with the illusion he presented and that the deliberate actions to ignore or put down my needs as a sickness, or something wrong with me would just begin again should I let him into my life, yet a part of me wishes I could see him one more time if only to show him I am doing fine without him.
HENRY,
Let the shame that he rattled loose from your soul just disintegrate. It’s like a purification – you will be even ‘cleaner and clearer’ for it.
YOU ARE SOOO WORTHY. (Grammatically incorrect, but accurate.)
I know he may come around again, and that he came at all is frightening and has been deeply unsettling – but I think you see a gift in it. keep building on that.
Vile is such a good antidote for nostalgia, no!?
Watching you walk through this has helped me enormously.
Keep walking.
🙂
all the best,
one step
Henry,
No I didn’t know that he had broken into your house before.
But that certainly explains why you are so upset….And why you need to cut yourself some slack. You have every right to be upset.
You had a double trigger the other day. The violation and him just coming around triggered you about him and now he is taking up some space in your head.
We really do NEED to feel safe in our homes.
I am sorry that you were treated that way by your local police department years ago. It is my understanding that of all the disputes police deal with on a daily basis domestic abuse disputes are the ones they dread the most. More and more the way they handle these cases is to arrest both parties.
I think you should try and come up with a plan of what you might do if he shows up again. Sometimes just having a “plan” can give us some comfort in knowing we won’t be taken “off guard” again.
And no, Henry do not get your gun and shoot him. You are way to nice of a man to go to jail for a scum bag like him.
Maybe tell your neighbor that you saw a STRANGER on their property the other day. And your neighbor should be on the “lookout”. Maybe they will call the police if it happened again.
think i will put this here. i am a bit shocked that it is December 22nd. Three days before Christmas. Where did these last months go? seems like yesterday it was June.
And I know that time has slid away, because I have been in such trauma and drama this year. I am tired. I walked away from no less tha 6 highly toxic situations this year. Some of the toxins are people, some are are chemicals. And it is not over yet, especially on the chemical toxin front. I am tired. My physical/mental/ emotional wellbeing is still challenged daily by all of this. I am getting to the point that I just can’t do some of this. Tired out and beaten down. When I say I just can’t do this, it isn’t defeatist (at least, not in this moment ;)) it is that when we get to the point that we REFUSE to do something so obviously horrid, our creativity opens again. But I am tired in a way that I will have to let my intelelgence open on its own – I can’t steer right now, nor can I go back to sleep.
I tend to be impulsive when my anxiety gets too high. I’ll act on something, JUST because I don’t want to hold the energy of it any longer; not because I have necessarily thought something through. I learned this about myself in the last 2 weeks. It is awesome to hold this knowledge. It makes me feel anxious to hold my anxiety 😉 BUT it also makes me feel more rounded, more whole that I can have that control.
I did the POST TRAUMATIC STRESS INDEX worksheet in the BETRAYAL BOND. My trauma reactions and trauma splitting were relatively low (compared to other area scores. nothing was below a 6), which I knew. My trauma abstinence and trauma blocking were high. This is also not news, but I have watched my trauma abstinence evolve over the past few years- it wasn’t high/ or i didn’t recognize it when I was younger.
The big pay off of the test – and the most shocking and revealing, was my TRAUMA BONDS SCORE. VERY high – like 14 out of 17, if I am counting accurately. Now, this is not surprising given what I have gone through in the last couple of years. And it also speaks to why I got sucked in, in the first place. It will be interesting to see what happens over time with this number in particular.
I know EXACTLY why I got sucked in this last time. – besides not knowing what I was dealing with – it’s my F**KING EMPATHY AND THE FACT THAT IT HAS BEEN CORRALLED BY THE TRAUMA BOND….
AND THAT SH*T HAS BEEN GOING ON SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR THE SAKE OF ANOTHER. It was quite IN PLACE by the time I was 8 YEARS OLD.
Let the wisdom begin! And the cool water of divinity was over me.
I just choked up in repsonse to my benediction for myself….and the choke was, ‘she (the psath) CHOSE CHOSE! TO DO THIS TO ME.
Yes, harm done.
one step.
Dear Henry,
SCANTUARY TRAUMA and VIOLATION! That is what he accomplished by coming to your place so suddenly and walking around like he OWNED THE JOINT! ARROGANCE of the worst sort!
I can think of several instances where I felt “scntuary trauma” once when I was robbed while I was gone from home, I felt almost “raped” because my scantuary had been viiolated by others coming there uninvited and going through my things and robbing me.
I felt it again when the Trojan Horse came to my house and repeatedly came over here and did minor vandalism after I had left and moved into the RV.
Even when Crhistmas two years ago with the Trojan Horse and my X-DIL in jail and I moved the RV to the farm, and parked it close to my house, I still felt so violated that I didn’t move back into the house, but instead lived in theR RV for antoher six months because it felt “safe” and my house no longer felt “safe”—I know it was an EMOTIONAL thing, but I could not make myself feel safe enough in the house to sleep in here. Even with my son D moving back into the house, I couldn’t do it. Logical? Nope! Emotional? Yep!
About that time I read somewhere (can’t remember where–CRS!) about “sanctuary trauma” when our “personal safe place” is violated and it went CLICK in my head. I realized I couldn’t move back into the house because of that violation of my “safe place.” I guess it is like a cave man finding a bear in his cave!
I realized too that my farm has ALWAYS been my safe place in the world, even when I lived other places or when I traveled to other continents, I kept visualizing this farm as my “real home”—now it too has been “violated” and I have realized that even this farm is not 100% “Safe” from violating. NO PLACE is 100% safe from violation. But at the same time, too, I realized as much as I love it here, I won’t live in terror, but I will pick up and go somewhere else with very little looking back.
I remember the story of Lot when God told him to leave the evil town of Sodom and to move out into the desert, and told him NOT TO LOOK BACK, and then Lot’s wife looked back—I don’t think it was JUST the turning of her head to see what was going on that was the problem, it was she DESIRED the ease of the town life, the DESIRE to go oback there, the reluctance she felt in leaving that life that was the problem.
When I left here before in mortal fear (but with lots of doubts too) I LOOKED BACK desiring the happy and safe feeling times I had had here on this farm, the sanctaty of my “nest” but now I realize that I can NOW, if I must leave, leave without LOOKING BACK.
NO PLACE outside myself is my “sanctuary” but I AM MY SANCTUARY, and like a turtle takes his house and sanctuary and safety with him wherever he goes, I can too.
Henry, your safety from Mike is INSIDE YOURSELF, not on your property! And though you have worked to make it nice, just like my sons and I have worked to makekthis a nice place to live, convenient, pretty even, it is JUST A PLACE. It is REPLACEABLE but our safety, our internal safety from these people is what is important.
Sure, we’re gonna have some adrenaline rushes from an unexpected encounter with them, but Mike can’t destroy you any more because YOU KNOW WHAT HE IS!
You are NOT nuts, and I will BOINK you for saying that! So don’t make me get the BIG skillet out!!!! ((((hugs))))
I have calmed down today. I dont think he would do anything stupid now. Before when he did all that he had my address. But now 2 years later I could file charges and he doesnt want that. So he was just here to show off and strut. And he doesnt know it upset me. I dont care if he drives a Hummer and eats off gold plate’s and wipes his butt with hundred dollar bills. I have more than he ever will. So I am ok ya’ll….hugs..
dear One step,
Yes, initially it is such a shock to realize that people tried (and succeeded) in hurting you ON PURPOSE, no matter what they may claim. It was a choice. And they chose to hurt you. SOme do it on purpose, because they are also sadistic, and some hurt you just because you are in the way.
Justabouthealed: I agree, it is such a shock. Especially if your S has turned you into a willing slave committed to his happiness and well-being. My S was constantly conspiring to hurt me and he knew exactly what he was doing. It was brilliantly organised and calculated (well not that brilliantly because he was so smug and arrognat that he was found out in the end). He managed to keep 3 committed, long-term relationships going at the same time. That takes great skill. And indeed, he did try to make it sound like he made a small mistake (“ooops”?!) and that he was sorry. I think it is sadism because he had a particularly devious and cruel way to keep his multiple relationships going. Emailing woman A from woman B’s computer is more fun than from his own computer. Texting woman B from woman C’s bed is more fun than texting her when he’s on his own. Emails and texts with double meanings, boasting indirectly about his latest conquests, etc. And of course the emotional abuse that many of you describe on this blog and that I am also familiar with. Are there sociopaths who are not sadists? Actually, is there a chance my sociopath is really a psychopath?
Dear eileen,
Psychopath=sociopath=antidocial personality disorder=Jerk=saddist=arsehole=creep
Yea, they are ALL the same, just different words for the same thing, and all Ps are narcissists, though all Ns are not complete Ps, but all are TOXIC and that is all you need to know.\
Some of them deliberately hurt you (saddists) and some just hurt you and don’t care that they hurt you, but bottom line, is ALL ARE TOXIC.
Don’t worry so much about what the “right” name is, he is TOXIC and that is all that matters, learning how to spot the red flags that give them away is what becomes important once you are away from them, learning how to NOT trust anyone completely until you have seen that they are trust WORTHY, and not to fall for flattery when you first meet someone (BIG RED FLAG) make yourself P-PROOF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
Glad you are here KNOWLEDGE=POWER