The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Ok, I just thought I’d check, so that I can’t be accused of exaggerating when I use these terms when talking to people about him. As far as I’m concerned I will never have the required vocabulary to express all the contempt and disgust I feel for him!!
justabouthealed:
‘…hurt you because you get in the way’
that’s pretty f**king sobering.
don’t know the truth of the spath i tangled with. but i do think she got some of that ‘evil joy’ in duping me.
erg.
Great post. I am no contact for 2 months today. It is so difficult during the holidays but this post helps so much. I would love to hear from him but I know nothing has changed. I have tried to let the thoughts of him pass through and out as soon as possible. No room for him in my head. Staying busy trying to heal.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone here.
Be good to yourself in 2010 and stay away from triggers. Hope I do and continue to move forward.
Dear eileen,
Welllll, I’m not so sure…..the problem is that the general public, even some judges, cops, and other professionals THINK A PSYCHOPATH, SOCIOPATH ETC. is only a SERIAL KILLER, they don’t recognize the “love fraud” or the “con man” as a psychopath even though they are really the same thing as the serial killer, WITHOUT CONSCIENCE.
It is unfortunate but in our society in order to rise high in a professional capacikty at Big Corporation, Inc. you have to be RUTHLESS as well as smart, not care whose back you climb up on or who you stomp into the mud, or whose life and career you ruin!
Your friends are more likely to tell you “just move on honey, it was a bad relationship” and if you can’t immediately put it out of yiour mind and “move on” then they will quickly get tired of hearing you talk about him, some of them may even think YOU ARE THE CRAZY ONE. And, ifyou have mutual friends whith this jerk, he will make sure they think YOU are the crazy bitch.
Believe me, no matter what he did to you, no matter how much proof you have, you are likely to NOT FIND ANYONE WHO WILL UNDERSTAND IN YOUR LIFE AND FRIENDS, your family may even turn their backs on you. That is one of the worst parts about this is that NO ONE (OR ALMOST) BELIEVES US.
Keep on reading, KNOWLEDGE is POWER, but you will only most likely find validation and BELIEF HERE on Love Fraud, becqause WE DO GET IT, and we KNOW you are not crazy, because we have BEEN THERE. Some of us are still raw after years, some of us have lost family, friends, home, sanity, our businesses, etc etc. it is a tough road, but all we can do is to support each other and learn about them, and learn about ourselves so that we can LEARN TO SPOT THEM.
READ READ READ, get the books on the site, if you can’t afford to buy them get on used at amazon, or library and READ them all. Also, it is important that you go back through the old archived articles here and read every EVERY one, there will be things in each one that will help you with healing yourself and recovering.
The biggest thing is NO CONTACT, and that means no e mails, no letters, no texts, don’t read them, block them if you can, and don’t even talk to anyone that knows him, or let anyone talk TO you about him. VERY IMPORTANT because if you do have contact, it will only pull the scab off the wounds.
Good luck sweetie, you arein a good and a safe place here to learn and to heal. (((hugs))) and God bless you.
Dear So tired,
I think we posted at the same time, Good for you!!! Congratulations on your NC for two months!!! Great start and keep on reading and learning, and Happy P-FREE Holidays to you too! (((Hugs)))) Oxy
Thanks Oxdrover – but I beg to disagree on one point you’re making – maybe I am one of the luckier ones among sociopath victims, but everyone in my circle of friends and family believed me. And people who knew us both believe me, not him. I had a lot of written evidence, witnesses, the support of another of his victims; and many people had sensed there was something not quite right about him long before I did. But yeah, maybe my friends are more sensible than the average cop or judge-I could well believe that 😉
It’s one thing to be vigilant and aware of the sociopath’s power but it’s important not to let that affect our own self-confidence – we should feel entitled to say “I’m normal, I’m telling the truth, this is what happened to me” and to say it confidently. They are convincing liars, why couldn’t we be convincing truth-tellers?
Henry, if he does it again, could you get a restraining order? Seriously, he has a history of abuse and violence. It really peeved me about the cop that said he didn’t get involved in “homosexual” disputes. WTF? Would have been great if you had some police reports on him as evidence for a restraining order. That way you won’t have to worry about him showing up again. I don’t know if you need his current address for him to be served with it though. Let’s just hope it was a cameo appearance.
No you’re not nuts. I’m sitting here longing for the guy I only talked to twice on the phone who started this whole internet drama to get my attention. I’m the one who’s nuts. I think my general loneliness doesn’t help.
nooooo Star, noooo snakes with legs!!!!
Star LOL You silly girl – 2 phone calls? I am gonna boink ya… No I dont have his address but I have his social security number should I post it here? He was just here to remind he he is alive I guess..but like I said- it completely distinguished any itty bitty spark of what ever it was that had it’s hold on me…so he gave me a good xmas present after all…lol – I should of opened the door and said ” Did you drive all this way to bring me a christmas card?’ reminds me about the xmas 3 years ago – I bought him several nice things wrapped all pretty and all, gave them to him on xmas morn and he looked at me so pissed and said ‘do u know how small you just made me feel? I didnt get you anything..’ O h sheesh jingle bells – shot gun shells…Merry Christmas Star..
Dear eileen,
I’m with you, but unfortunately, the “concensus” here seems to be that too many people have trouble finding anyone to believe them. It seems to be a pattern with the Ps.
I am SO GLAD that you have your family and friends to validate your truth–too many times it is not the case, and that is the DOUBLE whammy, not only are we victimized, but then revictimized by our “friends” family and/or community.
…sort of like the rape victim worked over by the defense attorney. The lack of validation from others is almost like that poor rape victim being “re-raped” on the witness stand.