The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
No, Eileen,
You don’t even qualify for getting in the contest for the prize. Henry didn’t guy the presents to make him feel guilty, Henry did it because he loved the guy, the GUY was the one who won the prize for being pithed off that Henry had really done something nice for him and made him look bad by comparison. LOL
I think we have all done little sarcastic things and done things like you did to clean the apartment to make him feel guilty, the thing is though, that it BACKFIRED ON US because they can’t feel guilt. LOL
There are times I have said nasty things to people in “revenge”or pretended to do nice things to make them feel “guilty’ for being nasty to me, I think that is human nature,
One time when I was trying desperately to conviince my egg donor that the Trojan Horse psychopath was out after her money adn that he was a pedophile (I had proof) and had been a criminal in prison with my P son she would not believe a word I said and looked at me like I was nuts and lying.
I got so frustrated after a half hour of literally begging her on my knees to believe me and I got up and went out the door of her house, slammed it, and on the way out said “You are a senile old bat!”
I got out on the porch and realized I had reacted badly, and I opened the door, went back in a step, and told her “I am sorry I said, that, I shouldn’t have done so, please forgive me.” and I MEANT THAT APOLOGY.
She never ever accepted that apology because “You didn’t sound sincere” yet she would expect me to accept any “I’m sorry” from her for the most hienous things in the world and then never mention them again, even when she repeated them over and over, each time an “I’m sorry” was all she had to say to be “forgiven” but any apology from me had to “sound sincere.” Talk about gaslighting! She was the master of it.
I think I must have hit a nerve with the “senile old bat” comment though, as she has told everyone who will stand still long enough to listen, “Guess what my daughter said to me!” LOL
But I think we all in our frustration and lack of control of the situations they put us in can respond inappropriately, but forgiving myself for those things is important too. I accept responsibility for those less than stellar things I have done and dont’ keep beating myself up over them.
In a normal situation we do normal things, in an abnormal situation, we do abnormal things. So I am trying to put that behind me and make better choices today.
Hey Oxdrover I was being sarcastic in my previous post!! I was in the same situation as Henry, doing nice things and beeing blamed for them.
Sorry I didn’t pick up on your sarcasam, rereading it I can see it. That is the down side of written communication, can’t always catch it. LOL (((hugs))))
I agree that there’s no reason to feel guilty for what was in effect, in the context, fighting back – and I had the same situation with my S with his various interpretations of “I’m sorry”. The bottomline is they make us feel that whatever we say or do is wrong, and they project their s**t on us.
But to be clear on this, I cleaned the flat because it was dirty, not to make him feel guilty! My previous post was an example of how my S interpreted the nice or meaningless things I did or say, and twisted them completely in order to hurt me.
No worries 🙂
Dear Eileen,
Yes, they expect US to clean the dirty house because they are too important to scrub toilets or floors! LOL We’re supposed to do all the mundane tasks to make their life soft, but funny thing is, we never seem to do it well enough to suit them. LOL
“A good job deserves minimal punishment” is abot the best we can expect. LOL
My (normal) sons tease me all the time and posted a sign in our work shop as a joke “the beatings will continue until morale improves” LOL I found out before all the big blow up with my P-son when I got on to his plots and plans that he refered to me behind my back in letters to his co-conspiritor as “OSAMA-MY-MAMA” and I actually think he really feels that way. Anyone who has a problem with his behavior is like some terrorist that has to be hunted down and killed.
I have no doubt that Osama himself really truly believes that killing Americans is a good thing, and I believe that though he knows it is “illegal” my son belives I deserve to die for thwarting his plots and plans. Just like the girl he killed in 1991 who had “ratted him out to the cops”—she had committed the ultimate crime, betrayal of him, so she deserved to die. some twisted logic, but it’s there. Not all of them are willing to murder, but some of them are. My son is one of them that has NO boundaries.
Great article Dr. Leedom. It does seem true if we wait for our fond memories to turn into revulsion, we may be waiting forever. Despite all I know about psychopathology, it hasn’t changed the memories of me loving who I believed he was, and having bonding experiences. I understand it intellectually. But emotionally the connection happened, and is not exactly undone by my new knowledge.
I read somewhere’s, I think in a book by an author named Richo, that when we enter into a relationship with someone, we enter into it forever. That the experiences/bondings that take place with our close others, stay with us. He pointed this out as a preface for using caution about who we let into our lives, as we will have to live with those memories and feelings, maybe forever.
And the connection between boredom and feelings of emptiness, with wanting to make contact with that sociopath, is exactly my experience. If I am content, doing activities that are engaging, I am not the least interested in contact.
When I am down, bored, feeling less-than, kinda wishing to be saved from myself…..that is when I have wanted contact. And it really is a choice at that point. Because my feelings and thoughts certainly can rekindle those memories and the potential I believed was available.
HENRY: You are officially a hero of mine! I don’t care why you think you didn’t answer that door. The fact is, you didn’t. Some of our greatest moments are simple acts of love. Nothing amazing, earthshaking, or tabloid worthy. And the act of you not opening that door, registers to me as a truly great moment!
Hi all,
Today is a good day for me. Today is 2 months NC. I know I’ve been MIA for the last couple weeks. Been busy finishing my semester at school. I got straight A’s, so I’m really proud of myself. It shows that I can do ANYTHING if I am determined enough. My therapist says that’s an incredible task considering the stress and turmoil I have endured over the last few months with the break up of my ex S. It makes me feel really good about myself and accomplished. If I didn’t have school to focus on right now, I don’t know what my mental health would be like right now.
I love this post because I am SOOOO ready for the new year. I’m so ready to move on. I’m tired of feeling weak and vunerable. I’m tired of him infiltrating my thoughts. I’m tired of caring about him. This time of year is full of painfull memories. In fact, a year ago today he called me to tell me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. Then he called on Christmas Eve to change his mind and tell me that it wasn’t what he really wanted, but he needed time to figure it out. What a mindf***. I know now, he just needed time to see if the 19 year old he was cheating on me with was going to stick around. So this week is bittersweet for me. Christmas used to be my favorite time of year and he really ruined it for me last year. I feel a little bit lonely, but the pain is becoming less. I’m coming to terms with being alone and it’s ok. I think it’s what I need to concentrate on myself.
My sister is leaving on the 28th and that makes me sad. But I’m very proud of her because she is off to England to start her master’s program and get back to her fiance. I’ll miss her, but I’m happy that she is doing so well. Seeing her with her fiance makes me realize that there are good guys out there.
So I’m ready to get over my addiction to the S for 2010. I know that it was an addiction, not love. I apparentely am way more copedpendant than I thought. Coming to terms with that has probably been the most important thing for me to realize, so I could start the healing process. The upcoming year is going to be very busy for me, which I’m actually looking forward to. I’ll be taking 16 units at school, which is the most I have ever taken. We’ll see if I can maintain the straight A’s next semester. HA! Then I’ll be transferring to a Cal State school next fall, which is kind of scary and exciting at 28! And my younger sister is going to be getting married, so there are lots of wedding plans being made. My best friend just got engaged too! So looks like I’ll be helping out with that wedding too! Weddings everywhere for me right now. So it’s weird knowing that I’m the ONLY one left without a ring on her finger. It’s weird to sit around and watch 7 of my closest friends and my sister compare rings while I just sit there. And even though I’m 28, it doesn’t bother me much. And I’m really thankful for that. I’m just glad that my happiness isn’t determined by the desire to be married. I think the rest of them think I’m lying when I say that it really doesn’t bother me. I think they want it to bother me. My time will come. And if it doesn’t, that’s ok too.
And I’m on a mission to lose the weight I gained over the last 2 years. I’m SOOOO not happy with my body right now. Looking back at pictures of me when I was skinny makes me soooo depressed. I worked really hard to look that good and I let myself go. My therapist thinks that I was really unhappy and self medicating with food. She’s right!!! I look back at how unhappy I really was with the situation and was just holding onto the hope that things would get better. Food made me feel better. So I’ve decided that I’m not even going to try and go out and date until I feel comfortable in my own skin again. I’m going to be selfish this year and only take care of me. I had to really be ok with the thought of being alone first. And now that I’m ok with it, I’m going to lose the weight, I’m going to kick ass in school and I’m going to enjoy my amazing friends. Oh and I can’t wait for the weather to warm up so I can take my puppy to the beach. Those are the things that I’m looking forward to in the new year. The rest will fall into place.
Thanks for the great article. Hope you all are having a happy holiday season! HUGS!!
Amber, Henry, Rosa, One-Step, Oxy and all the LF-Gang: next year will be the Chinese Year of the Metal Tiger! Sounds terrific to me!
Thanks Dr Leedom for the wonderful article.
“You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.” And now blend in the Metal Tiger!
2010, here we are!
Dear Amber,
TOWANDA FOR YOU!!! GREAT BIGGGGG TOWANDA!! STRAIGHT A’S how wonderfully cool for you!!! You knew you could do it and you went out and did it!
There will still be some down days, but baby don’t let them throw you into a depression! You have already accomplished such amazing things and I know that nothing in the future is going to knock you down either, because YOU CAN HANDLE IT!
As far as all your friends and your sisters getting married, there is at least a 50-50 chance they won’t last, so you know what, you are probably saving yourself some problems later on…like being a single parent….you take care of you and find a MAN WORTHY OF YOU, no matter how long it takes and you will be better for the process!!! I am so proud of you, and FOR you as well.
Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, whatever rings your chimes! Go out there and GETTEM!!!
ps. yes, our Henry is a HERO ISN’T HE!!!!!