By Ox Drover
I recently read A Mind of Its Own—How Your Brain Distorts and Deceives, by Cordelia Fine, Ph.D. Dr. Fine was awarded a degree in experimental psychology from Oxford University, an M.Phil. in criminology from Cambridge University, and a Ph.D. in psychology from University College in London. She is currently a research associate at the Centre for Applied Philosophy and Public Ethics at the University of Melbourne in Australia.
This book is very entertaining and as the book jacket says,
In recent years, we’ve heard a lot about the extraordinary workings of our hundred-billion-celled brain: its amazing capacities to regulate sensation, perception, thinking, and feeling, its ability to shape all experience and define our identity. But there is a brain we don’t generally hear about, a brain we might not want to hear about, a brain with a mind of its own.
Exposing the mind’s deceptions and exploring how the mind defends and glorifies the ego, Dr. Cordelia Fine illustrates the brain’s tendency toward self delusion. Unbeknownst to us, our brain—vain, emotional, immoral, deluded, pigheaded, secretive, weak-willed, and bigoted—pushes, pulls, twists, and warps our perceptions. Each of us has a slew of prejudices that prevent us from seeing the truth about the world, the people around us, and ourselves. With fascinating studies to support her arguments, Dr. Fine takes us on an insightful, rip-roaringly funny tour through the brain you never knew you had.
While we all, I think, want to “know the truth,” the biggest hazard to our knowledge of the truth of what is around us and of ourselves, according to Dr. Fine, is our own brain, protecting our ego’s perceptions.
“Memory is often the overzealous secretary who assists ”¦ by hiding or destroying files that harbor unwanted information,” she says. “It is like a smart lawyer searching for evidence to bolster his client’s case, rather than a jury searching for truth.”
With a psychopath trying to con us, we tend to believe more than disbelieve because “belief” seems to be the default judgment of the brain. Since more often than not, belief is true, it is easier for us to believe something than to disbelieve.
Also, Dr. Fine says, “If your brain is distracted or under pressure, you will tend to believe statements that you would normally find rather dubious. In fact, you may even find yourself believing things you were explicitly told were untrue.”
When we are involved with someone who is deliberately conniving, deliberately misleading and false, such as a psychopath, we need every element of our logical, truth-seeking brain to function at maximum capacity.
This book is an excellent guide to how we can watch for our false beliefs and prejudices to surface, and how we can rethink our opinions and prejudices.
Dr. Fine says, “It’s our irresistible urge to play amateur psychologist that makes us so vulnerable to our initial beliefs, no matter how bluntly the facts they were based on may be discredited. It’s human nature to try to explain everything that happens around us, perhaps as a way to make life seem less capricious.
“We are credulous creatures who find it easy to believe, but difficult to doubt. The problem is that we believe things to be true as a matter of course.”
Psychopaths understand this about us and use the “love bomb” approach when they first encounter us, to overcome our natural caution in interacting with new individuals. Once they have “conned” us into believing that we can trust them, our own brains distort and deceive us into continuing with that opinion.
This is a great book for opening our eyes to how our own brains deceive us.
A Mind of Its Own is available on Amazon.com.
Oxy,
Thanks for this book review. I am always amazed at the power of our minds. We can really delude ourselves. But the good news is, we can also use our minds for healing. I’m reading a fascinating book now about how this works, and I’ll be doing a review of it when I’m done.
God is Great. Beer is Good. People are Crazy.
Oxy,
I read this book too. Loved it. Thanks for doing that review.
The psychopath takes our gullibility to new levels by telling lies so audacious that no one would doubt their veracity, because you think, “who would lie like that?”. And the truth is so unbelievable that you can’t bring yourself to believe it. The problem is we think we know the world, and truth is, we don’t know the half of it.
Someone posted a link earlier on another thread, that is so full of information:
here’s a quote from it:
“At some point, a local reporter suddenly had the idea to check up on the guy – to see if his credentials were real. What the reporter found out was that the only thing that was true about this up and coming politician’s “faked bio” was the place and date of birth. Everything else was fictitious. Not only was the man a complete impostor, he had a long history of antisocial behavior, fraud, impersonation, and imprisonment. His only contact with a university was a series of extension courses by mail that he took while in Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary. What is even more amazing is the fact that before he was a con-man, he was a “con-boy.” For two decades he had dodged his way across America one step ahead of those he had hoodwinked. Along the way he had married three women and had four children, and he didn’t even know what had happened to them. And now, he was on a roll! But darn that pesky reporter!
When he was exposed, he was completely unconcerned. “These trusting people will stand behind me. A good liar is a good judge of people,” he said. Amazingly, he was right. Far from being outraged at the fact that they had all been completely deceived and lied to from top to bottom, the local community he had conned so completely to accrue benefits and honors to himself that he had not earned, rushed to his support!”
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm
I am actually RE-reading this book, there is just so much information in it that there is no way to rush through it or to get it all even if you read it slowly and carefully. It is one of those books that you must read a while and then ponder a while.
I am still also rereading the 48 laws of power, which I think could be a 2 year college study in itse.f there is so much information in there.
2 bcopo, get you a copy of that book “the 48 laws of power” and the n ext time you have a situation come up like this you will be prepared in advance!
Taking in all the information that is available, even just the good stuff and not the nut job stuff, and putting it all to work is a big job, and hard work, but you don’t have to get through it all before it starts to benefit you and how you feel.
Well, I’m going to bed, I think I will go outside and play in the snow tomorrow! sleep tight everyone! Love Oxy
The “love bomb” approach is common with many religions.
It’s a clever way to get the new comer to “feel at home”.
I sat across from an Asian girl in the subway who
was wearing a short dress and kept opening and
closing her legs while looking at my crotch
and pretending to read her prayer book.
I, of course, fell for it. She invited me to her
church service the name of which I hadn’t heard
of before. I asked if she followed Rev Moon.
She acted frightened and said she was afraid of him.
She was, of course, doing a con. Her come-on was
something she had been taught to do probably
from an early age, her church was probably a
Moon spin-off, Moon was not after her, he probably
already was in control of her and I didn’t go to that
service.
In many parts of the world, including the US, this is
considered the upright and moral thing as long as it brings
$ into the collection plate (and glory to God, of course).
Some ppl will say yes to any manipulation w/o question.
I was very much into what she was doing and was
surprised to see my other half not cooperating.
It must have seen the unstated contradiction between
the prayer book and her open display of affection.-)
Hello great book and review. My situation is very unique. I am an aunt to a 5 year old girl, my brother’s daughter. My sister-in-law is emotionally abusing the child. She will not allow the child to bond freely with family members. She never leaves the child alone with family. She gets extremely enraged if the child has a good time with a family member. She is always observing the child even when doing other chores. If she tells the child not to eat, the child obeys her and goes hungry. If she says she cant go to grandma’s room, the child will not step into grandma’s room. If the child likes a vanilla shake she gives her chocolate shakes and makes her say it is her favorite. She controls the child’s tastebuds, bladder/bowel habits, emotions, forming relationships etc. My niece is very intelligent and is in 1st grade, but her mother has enrolled her in 5 activities. The mother always keeps the child away from home, comes home to sleep or in the master bedroom with the child. She is teaching the child to act, lie, hurt people and not be compassionate. I asked to take the child out for 2 hrs she said no problem, but the child refused to get in the car. She looked very scared and her mother must have threatened her. But my Sister-in-law asked her colleagues at work about the child’s beahvior and souded very puzzled when in fact she had manipulated the child against getting in the car. She has the neighbors fooled, volunteers in school. She uses the neighbors kids to keep the child away from home & family.My sister in law is so toxic, such a good actress and nobody would even know who she really is. My brother is totally given up, still married to her, has no relationship with his own child. He allows her to do whatever she wants. She is ruining a beautiful intelligent child. Being the paternal aunt I wonder if there is something I can do. I am so worried about my niece’s well being. Any advice from Donna/ Ox or anybody?
Aunt,
Educate yourself on how narcissists act. Read, read, read as much as you can about narcissists and sociopaths. Read online, but also read books. You won’t be able to protect the child very much but you will be able to protect yourself and you will also be able to see opportunities to help the child, when they present themselves.
If you had hoped to contribute to the child’s college education, instead, start a therapy fund. Once she is 18 she may decide she needs therapy and hopefully you can help her then.
As bad as the mother is, there’s a chance that the daughter may NOT turn out to be a spath due to temperment and genetics. If that’s the case, she may be damaged but not beyond repair. The right therapist may be able to help after she is an adult.
Dear CariingAunt,
That is part of the problem with disordered people is that they are so CONTROLLING and OPPOSITIONAL.
Getting the other parent to see and act is very difficult. If they were to admit that there is a problem, they would be compelled to ACT and they don’t want to confront the disordered person, they have “given up.”
A very good friend of mine raised her own granddaughter for the first 8 years of the child’s life, then the P-father of the child remarried and would not let his daughter even see the person who had been her primary caregiver for the first 8 years of her life. My friend was pretty well powerless, she actually had to go volunteer at her granddaughter’s school to even see the child for several years. As the girl got to be into her teens SHE insisted on seeing her grandmother and the rest of the family, even her non-custodial mother (who has “problems” of her own) would let the girl’s grandmother see her on her own every-other weekend visits.
The girl has turned out very well, and now sees her grandmother regularly, but has no real relationship with her father or with her step-mother either.
When you have no “legal right” to see the child, all you can do is to “be there” for the child as much as possible and hope that the child will come to you later. It is very difficult. We have several grandmothers and aunts on this site who have posted about some of the same things you are talking about. It is heartbreaking to be so “powerless” but just be with the child as much as you can be and keep from irritating the controlling mother as much as you can.
That and pray are about all I can suggest. I wish I had more positive feed back for you or better suggestions.
Maintaining a relationship with the mother as much as possible even if it sets your teeth on edge may be the best way for now. God bless. Oh, and learning as much as you can about how Psychopaths operate, so that you are armed. Knowledge is power. Hopefully your brother will see the light and reengage with the child even if he has to cross swords with the mother.
Such great advice from Ox & Skylar!!! Great to know someone understands my situation and had such insight into it. Thank You for your time and intelligent advice.
My sister in law also has told my niece that she should die for her mother. So one day recently my niece asked me if she is going to die and she is scared. She told me in front of my sister in law one time that mommy yells at me all the time. Next time I saw her she said mommy is the best and I asked her about the yelling. She told me she never yells, she cannot talk about it anymore. So my niece now has become very protective of her mother. Her mom made her run 7 laps in the park the other day and she was just watching her in really hot weather. I asked the child if she had fun doing it, she said she DID NOT like it but had fun. The child is confused. Sometimes she makes her sit outside the house while she is doing chores just to keep her away from daddy & grandma in the living room. I am really shocked at how obedient my niece is and is learning to tolerate torture silently. My niece is not a pyschopath in any way, she is very loving, tells me she loves me, misses me, but lately her mommy has told her not to show any emotion. She is afraid to feel joy with us, is tolerating physcial hardships, acting numb and indifferent. When I tell her I loved her she used to feel so happy, now she is not responsive and acts indifferent. Her mom has taught her not to feel happy. I saw a neighborhood kid run over her foot with his bicycle, I made him apologize, and she complained to her mom & dad. Her dad told her dont play with him if he is mean. My sister in law pushes her to play with him and she cannot complain anymore and my niece even now acts like she is happy to play with him and if this kid ignores her she is constantly running after him and talking to him please her mommy. My niece at age 5 (will be 6 in NOV) has become the biggest mommy pleaser. It seems to me like my sister in law wants to destroy all her inhibitions, her fear and make her into a machine. Seems like an identity theft, and I worry my niece may hurt herself to please her mom and go to extremes. I am afraid one day my Sister in law out of some rage may ask her to do something dangerous to her life. I am so stressed, I do pray, talk to my husband & my best friend but it really is not helping my niece. My sister in law is most comfortable leaving my niece with someone who would not get too close to her, or know her true colors. So any family member who loves my niece is totally off limits. I talked to my Sister in law a few months ago asking if she was ok with my niece having aloving relationship with me. She told me that she is very insecure, that if her kid got close to other family members that she will not come back to her. So she asked me to give her more time. But she uses the time to think of more tricks, turn my own brother against me and she does not want me visiting them. But she would always tell me you are welcome anytime and have my brother lash out at me have him do the dirty job for her and stand an watch as an innocent bystander!!! I have known her for 8 years and very convinced she is sociopath. I am thinking of having a talk with her again, offering her help for her anxiety(when the kid has a good time with family) and suggest parenting classes, in a cordial helpful way and tell her maybe she does not realize what she is doing. (This is not true she is completely aware and plans everything to perfection but I dont want to anger her and lose my visits with my niece). Is this a good idea to talk to her directly and offer help or seek help and act like she is unaware of the harm she is inflicting on this child? I am sorry for my brother too, tolerating abuse from her is like second nature for him now, but atleast he is an adult and made this choice, but the child is what concerns me the most. Again thanks for reading and your valuable input.I will educate myself as you suggested, and also try to maintain a friendship with my Sister in law for as long as I can without losing my own sanity!!! Do you think I should seek counseling, I never really thought about it. But maybe someone professional documenting this may help if she decides to blame me for anything? My Sister In Law already hates me because she knows I am suspicious and ask questions and I care about my niece very much, she cannot fool me. Thank You again!!!
Dear Caring aunt,
Your sister in law (SIL) is not going to be receptive to your suggestion for a “parenting class”—because it would unmask her.
The things you are adding to this story make me think your SIL let her “mask slip” for a minute when she told you that she was afraid if the child bonded with other family members she would not “come back” to her. Your SIL sounds more like a Borderline Personality Disorder to me than a psychopath. The manipulations are the same but the BPD is a person who is very insecure and must have ONE best friend that their entire world depends on. If that ONE person pulls away it sends the BPD into a tail spin. There is some evidence that BPD is the “female version” of psychopathic PD. The BPD will have a push/pull relationship with the victim of their “love” and if that person tries to pull away will be severely punished. It is most difficult when that object of their control/affection is a child.
She is using the child and the child’s affection in the most cruel way possible. She is trying to make the child RESPONSIBLE for her happiness, and of course she is NEVER going to be happy, because she must constantly be on the alert that the child might be having an “affiar” with another family member and she must prevent that at all costs.
This is a VERY VERY sick and dangerous situation with EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN SPADES. Your take on the situation I think is very astute and clear, but it is the kind of thing that is ALMOST impossible to prove until DISASTER strikes. Sitting by and watching this kind of abuse must be horrible.
Especially since your brother doesn’t see/believe or take action, and looks like he will not take action. YOu, even though you love the child are in fact powerless because at any time your SIL can “disown” you and keep you away from the child COMPLETELY if you pith her off.
You are walking a delicate line….and I think from past experience that you SIL will absolutely NOT receive “help” becaqse the very idea that she is not the IDEAL parent would throw her into a tail spin and she would be angry at you for suggesting she is not perfect.
Go to Dr. Liane Leedom’s website “parenting the at risk child” your niece obviously has the genetic inheritance from her mother, whether her mother is PPD or BPD doesn’t matter it is somewhat genetic, as well as your niece is being raised by an emotionally abusive woman. Possibly dr. Leedom’s insight may help you some on how to proceed as the child gets older. God bless you and I pray that God keeps your niece safe from her mother.